just pull the covers over your head

2011-12-31T11:23:00.001-08:00

It's been so long since I've scrawled my thoughts across a page... I sit here wondering how I used to do it with such ease. What did it take for me to be able to thread words together? To make a beautiful quilt of thoughts? Was it my sadness? And now that I am no longer sad, is my ability to express myself gone, too?

Someday
I’ll sway to the quiet rhythm of your
Beat and know
What your feet have been shuffling to
Since the day we met.

Someday I’ll understand the difference
Between the breath of yours that catches,
And the one that releases,
Like a broken lock.

Someday, the dust
That has been kicked up
Will settle, and I will see you clearly
For what you are.

But not today,
Not today.

Starting tomorrow, January 1st, 2012, I will be writing a short passage every day in my journal. I'm sure some of these little blurbs will end up here as well. So, keep your eyes out.
These blurbs are gonna be more than just the usual leakage of words that come out of my head every now and again. Instead of me writing things that often have nothing to do with me or my life, I'm for once going to actually write about what goes through my mind on a day to day basis. Ooo, Dramatic.

Macaroni Art?

2011-10-31T02:16:00.000-07:00

The breaking we feel is all to make us a beautiful mosaic. God takes our broken pieces and He doesn't glue them together, but He molds them. He makes us this incredible masterpiece that only He could create.

I find myself picking up the shattered pieces of my life from behind me, and instead of handing them to my Creator... I take my little bottle of Elmer's glue, and with an unstable hand, I try to mash my pieces back to the form they were before.

But that's the thing: I don't have the ability to do that. Only God does!
And when we break... it isn't to go back to the way we were before... It's to make us even better than before! Maybe it makes us stronger, or wiser, more inspired, or anything else, but every time... it draws us closer to God. If we let it.

The past few months, I've just about used up eight bottles of glue. In the past week, God has taken my sloppy arts and crafts, and turned it into a mosaic. He's got control, and my feeble attempts at art work will never compare to the masterpieces of my God.

oh no you never let go through the calm and through the storm

2011-10-25T18:39:00.000-07:00

"He'll never let go of you, Meg."

Whenever I want someone to speak to me, when I crave it(whether it be just the attention seeking part of me or not), it never happens. God waits until I need it, usually right before I'm about to break.

Why is it that I never seek Him out just because I want to be closer to Him?

For the past few months I've been leading the prayer group at my school. I absolutely love doing it, and adore all the kids who continuously show up. And somehow, God always gives me a topic to speak about every Tuesday and Thursday, even though I spend literally no time praying about it before hand, and often find the verse minutes before prayer group starts.
That's the problem.
God is still blessing me with the ability to lead this group every other day, even though I don't take it seriously at all. And if we can come out of that group feeling full of the Spirit and rejuvenated when I've done nothing in preparation, it makes me wonder how much movement would occur if not only me, but everyone in the group prepared their hearts.

While writing this, I've realized a few other things in my life that just aren't right. I stepped off of the Student Leadership Team for my youth group a few months ago. At the time I thought I had a very good reason for it, though looking back, it really wasn't at all.
But now, I see what God's real reasoning for it was. My heart is in an awful place. I am not in a good place with God at all right now. I've become so comfortable with my faith. I think that I'm making enough difference in His kingdom as it is, so I don't really need to grow closer to Him. And though, writing it out like that makes it seem so feeble minded and naive, that's honestly what I've been dealing with lately.

I have so many people telling me how great I am every day. And no, this isn't me being full of myself, or taking a moment to talk about how awesome of a person I am. This is me, realizing that people have such a high expectation of me, that people really do look up to me, and that I am a leader. But mostly, that I am failing at being a role model. I haven't taken time out of my day to spend it with God in three weeks. No wonder I've been feeling so empty and broken. It's my own fault. God could be taking this season in my life and using it to glorify His kingdom, but I've been avoiding it.

It ends here.
God never lets go of me, even though I'm often trying to loosen the grip. He's with me always.
It isn't enough for me to fast secular music, or fast from food once a week, or fast from facebook. If I'm just filling that space with other things that have NOTHING to do with God, there's no point! I can claim as much as I want that it's for God, but He knows my heart, and fortunately enough, I'm starting to as well.

I'm sorry.

You Are Not Alone.

2011-07-24T13:25:00.001-07:00

I had never understood the feeling of being alone. Or just sitting and thinking that you weren't good enough. I thought it was silly, saying to myself "The God of the universe loves me, I AM good enough!" But in the past few months I have felt nothing but disappointment in myself. I would sit around thinking that I was simply not good enough. The guy I had fallen in love with and given so much of my life to, had left. And I was alone, wondering why I had stopped being what he wanted. It completely destroyed my self esteem, so when he came back, I welcomed him with open arms, hoping my self esteem would go back to where it had always been. But it didn't. Instead, it steadily dropped more and more every day. I felt like I had to prove to him that he had made a good decision in coming back to me. So I started working out manically. Weighing myself on the scale every day hoping that I was becoming pretty. And now I can't stop. I check every day, and it hasn't changed. I work out every night, even though he's gone again, and my efforts to be good enough for him never worked. And even though I know that I'm good enough and that God loves me just as I am, I get scared that the next guy, even though it'll be years from now, will do the same thing. So, I work out every night, and I weigh myself every morning, and step off the scale disappointed, wondering how I'll ever be good enough for someone else, if I'm not good enough for myself.

I'm so sick of hoping that someone will tell me that I'm beautiful. There's no point, because I can't believe them until I believe myself. I feel so hypocritical telling all these girls how beautiful they are, and how they're loved, when I feel the same way they do.

It's not even just looking in the mirror and not feeling good enough. It's everything I've done that's strapped to my back. God's taken it all away, my shame and my guilt, but I always go back to it. I'm afraid everyone else has judged me on what I've done, only because I judge myself on it.

I want to believe that God loves me, and that He thinks I'm beautiful and incredible, and everything else that I hear all the time, but I can't when I judge myself so harshly.

In the Bible it says to love God, and to love people, and then love yourself. In that order.
I like to think I've got the first two down, but the third is the hardest.
I know all of the truths of God, I know that He is Lord, and He is good. I know it all, but I don't feel it most of the time. And that makes me feel like I don't know God at all. I'm blocking out God's truths with my own lies. These lies that I have produced and concocted on my own. Taking other people's remarks of me and opinions, and turning them into my own.

I want to be happy with myself again.

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. " - Genesis 1:27

2011-07-07T19:53:00.000-07:00

I don't like the sound of my name in other people's mouths.
But it feels safe in yours.

I haven't written anything on here for a very long time. There has been so much change, and much more boredom.
I'll write more when I'm not half asleep, and don't have to get up for work in the morning.

2011-06-21T23:08:00.000-07:00

Usually I start these with a lot of random garbage that no one really wants to read. So, I'm just gonna skip all of that.

TOP TEN MOST INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE THIS YEAR:
1. Jesus. Predictable? Probably, but I learn more and more from Him every day.
2. Melody. She's my best friend, hands down, no matter what. I don't care if we're living in the same house or living 5845934953 miles away. She's my best friend, and nothing changes that.
3. Kenny. Hey there mister, you're awfully high up on my list once again... I love him... Still...
4. Corey! He's great. He makes me laugh, he makes me think, he makes me smile, and sometimes he makes me frown. But basically, I adore him XD
5. Josh. I met him this year, and he quickly became pretty close to me.
6. Alex. He always seems to pop up when I need him.
7. Lauren. The best.
8. JULIE! I love her, she is so stinking funny and she's just great.
9. Cam. Sometimes I think our friendship causes more drama than it's worth. But I love him, and we seem to get through it.
10. Mrs. Fulford. She always listens to me. Even when I have nothing to say.

TOP TEN BEST FRIENDS THIS YEAR:
1. Kenny.
2. Lauren.
3. Melly.
4. Julie.
5. Corey.
6. Josh.
7. Nastassja XD
8. Timmy!
9. Bri.
10. Cam.

TOP TEN MOST LISTENED TO SONGS:
1. ugh... teenage dream... I was obsessed for like two weeks o.O
2. Forget you by Cee Lo Green
3. Beautiful things by Gungor
4. Saeglopur by Sigur Ros
5. Anything by Minus the Bear
6. This is the thing by Fink
7. Collide by Howie Day
8. The song by The boy ;)
9. Little Lion Man by Mumford & Sons
10. Wrapped in Your Arms by Fireflight

GOALS FOR THIS SUMMER:
1.Reckless camp <3
2. Buffalo?
3. Maine with Julie!
4. Get a tan... for real.
5. Actually accomplish the things on this list since I only did one from last year...
6. Fix things.
7. Get a job
8. Plan a get together with my whole class.
9. I wanna learn how to swim without holding my nose...bahahha.
10. uphold the welling.

Jeez how much things change in a year. I can't even handle it. New school, new friends, old school, old friends, living with a different parent. It didn't even seem that different going in...

Lisa Mitchell - Incomplete Lullaby

2011-05-23T14:21:00.000-07:00

Mere words cannot express...

I don't want you to know that I miss you, but it's so hard to stop myself from shouting it at you. To stop myself from jumping around, with flailing arms, screaming "please just come back!". To stop myself from looking into your eyes, and gently whispering "I miss you." To stop myself from absently stating it in the middle of conversation. It's so hard to stop myself from feeling it.

2011-05-23T14:08:00.000-07:00

Oh, won't you dance with me once more?

Bring it back to that day in my study. We'll dance to Alexi Murdoch, and pretend the past five months didn't exist.

Forget that our lips have met any one elses besides each others. We'll dance like we'll be together forever, and always have been. I'll erase the cruel words from my memory, and remove the malice from my heart. I'll burn the images embedded in my brain of you and her.

I'll keep that shoe box, and your guitar pick in my pocket. We'll smile at each other again in passing. We'll work our way up.

But I just have one request, won't you dance with me once more?

2011-05-02T18:49:00.001-07:00

Ellipses and question marks have become the punctuation of our conversations, when it used to be commas and exclamation points.

Choices.

2011-04-29T18:59:00.000-07:00

If I could go back through all of the fights, all of the walks to the park, and the day at the aquarium. Back before our first kiss, and our first hug, the first hello. Before I decided you were the funniest person I had ever met, and before you became the only person I’d willingly cry in front of. Back to before we could finish each others sentences and we could press each others buttons because we knew exactly where they were. Before the welling of love, and before the heartbreak and pain. Back when we were still learning and living, before we shared our hopes and dreams, our secrets and fears. Before you met my family, and before we fell in love, I can’t decide if I still would have told you the words that changed everything: “I like you too”

2011-04-22T17:10:00.001-07:00

God, this is a lot to deal with... But if You know I can handle it, I have faith in You.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Please, help me to remember this with every thing God. Not just with my dad, but everything. God, I desire to be completely and totally in love with You.

2011-04-13T10:19:00.000-07:00

"Every single beat of my heart, I’m the one with big mistakes, big regrets and bigger breaks than I ever care to confess. Oh but, You’re the one who looks at me, and sees what I was meant to be. More than just a beautiful mess"

God, You are everything I want. My heart is beating for You and for You only, God.
I thank You for the verse you gave me today- John 15:5.
I want to bear the fruit of You, God I want people to see You through me.
This is my greatest desire.

"I want more, I want more, I want more of You Jesus"
That five minute worship time after math class today, was incredible.
I love going to Mount Zion, even with all the drama that is constantly flying around us all.
I honestly, can't picture myself ever returning to Central.
The opportunities here are incredible. I actually learn here, and try here. I've actually thought about college, and where I want to go.
I don't think I'd have nearly as much direction if I was still at CHS.

2011-04-10T09:03:00.000-07:00

I didn't write this, but it's incredibly encouraging.

My precious daughter,

First of all, I love you so much. The thought of spending eternity away from you drove me to the cross. I willingly shed my blood so that you could spend forever with me in my kingdom. You know what that makes you? A princess. I look at you and see complete wholeness, innocence, purity, and beauty. There is no flaw in you. Like a princess, you always look beautiful. I know you don't think so all the time...but you DO! And I take great delight in you. Also like a princess, you deserve the best and you deserve to be fought for. I put that desire in you, so don't let the world take that away! You long for someone to think you're beautiful, and to take someone's breath away. I know baby, I know the waiting is hard, and you sometimes don't think there is a man who will come. but you are a lady in waiting, a princess in waiting. Trust in me sweetie. Trust. in. me. There is a great difference between the desire I put in you, to the obsession the world turns it into. Find your joy in me! Your peace, happiness, delight... Find it in me! Let me complete you. Love me with everything you have. I know sometimes you don't see it, but the plans I have for you are so much better than the ones you have for yourself. You are worth being fought for, beloved. I put the desire in each man to want to be courageous and for others to think he is courageous. I put it in him to want to fight VALIANTLY...For you. Sweetheart don't you ever settle. you are worth the wait, and worth the fight, and until you meet a man who loves ME more than he loves you, until you meet a man who crucifies his flesh in order to live in the spirit, a man who encourages you, supports, believes in, and leads you, a man who is willing to give up everything for you, a man who is after MY heart...not yours...until you meet a man like THAT...loved one, let ME hold your heart. You are a princess! You hear me? You have royal blood! Start acting and living like you do! I love you desperately! Find yourself in me and I promise...PROMISE.. Every desire you've ever had will be fulfilled. I am the giver of good gifts so trust me on this one baby girl. Trust me. I'll never leave you lonely. I know you've been hurt, and your faith in love may have faded. I know love has failed you in the past, but let me ask you this. if love had never failed you before, how would you know the value of UNFAILING love? Unfailing love is what I have for you. Stronger than mountains, deeper than oceans. I know you've been rejected sweetheart, and I know those wounds run so deep, but I have CHOSEN you! How would you know the value of being chosen if you hadn't been rejected? Because rejection on one hand, can lead to reconciliation in another hand. You are so precious to me. My love never fails, and I am always with you. Never forget who I've made you to be. You are a princess, of my heavenly kingdom. chosen, royal, and set apart. I'm calling you to live like that. I'm calling you to set your eyes on me and the things of heaven. I love you, and I cant wait for you to be here with me. soon, my darling.

love always,

Your Heavenly Father ♥

2011-04-09T19:40:00.001-07:00

While there's still hurt sitting there, it's nice to know that with God there is complete healing.

Satan is trying pretty hard to knock me down.
It's kind of sad really, because I'm standing on God's shoulders... Good luck.

2011-04-09T18:54:00.000-07:00

It's weird how sometimes the only way to go back to God, is to be completely and totally hurt.
God is holding me up, and I am not going to let any of this get to me.
Nothing will separate me from Him.

All night He gave me scriptures to look up, and they all hit the nail right on the head. I don't want this to stop, I haven't been this close to God in a long time.
I can't lean on myself anymore, I have to lean on Him.
There is literally no way I could do this on my own.
And that's the great thing about God, He can do it.
I need Him so incredibly.

caught up in just this way I know that you can be more than this

2011-04-08T17:01:00.000-07:00

I had forgotten how nice it is to just sit and pray for an extended period of time.
I missed it so incredibly. I don't even want to stop.
As I sit here writing this, I'm thinking about how I wish I was still spending time with God.
This is a weird feeling, that I am really enjoying.
It was so nice to just sit in my closet talking about everything that's happened in the past few months. About how hard headed I am. How it takes so many tries before God is able to reach me.
I talked about every sin recently. Every mess up, every mistake. I talked about how stupid I feel for chasing after something I thought would make me happy, that distracted me from God, and in the end really only caused pain.

Usually, I probably would have cried over him.
Today, I cried over my broken relationship with God.
It wasn't about anything but that.
It was all about how much I missed my God, and how I didn't understand why I've wasted so much time on so many things that will never be as fulfilling as God, especially when I know that to be true.

This is a fantastic feeling.

2011-04-08T13:18:00.000-07:00

mm, Kate Nash. She's just fantastic.

Pink - Perfect (Boyce Avenue acoustic cover) on iTunes (Donate to Victim...

2011-03-29T05:17:00.000-07:00

I love this, beyond words.

2011-03-13T11:14:00.000-07:00

He listed reasons, hoping it'd convince me he knows who I am.
I grew more scared, as I realized he knows me better than anyone else.
but I've tried so hard to make myself detached from everyone...

2011-03-05T18:36:00.000-08:00

How strange it is to think that you are not invincible.

Almost dying tonight made me realize that.
If it had been five minutes later...

"Oh, that happens to her all the time, no big deal."
Yes, I get allergic reactions a lot, but no, I have never had one that literally constricted my throat to the point where there was a high shrill sound coming out because I could no longer get any air into my body.
They said it's called "strider", and it just means that my throat was becoming smaller and smaller, and the sound that came out was my body gasping for air.
So, no, this doesn't happen all the time, and yes it is actually a big deal.
Good to know though that if I had died, you probably wouldn't have cared.

2011-02-26T22:24:00.000-08:00

I let you mess with me, and you let me mess with you. Is that what we were both told love is?

2011-02-23T15:00:00.000-08:00

"I swear my intentions were gold."

I wonder if it kills you as much as it kills me to know I was right all along.

2011-02-21T07:36:00.000-08:00

Why is it, that when our hearts are broken, and I mean truly broken, it doesn't help us move on?
Instead we linger on the pain.
If our hearts break, do we just have all the pieces in our chest, trying oh so hard to beat together in rhythm again?
Or is is because we lost a piece of our hearts?
It wasn't a shatter, but a clean cut.
We want to prove to ourselves that it wasn't for nothing.
That our heart wasn't sliced and diced for no reason.

2011-02-20T15:01:00.001-08:00

"I love you."
"Okay."

Dejectedly followed by a pained face, attempted to be masked by a laugh that wasn't much better.

2011-02-13T10:44:00.001-08:00

This is a good thing.

2011-02-09T19:48:00.000-08:00

I see him through terrified eyes, while I study the anger on his face.
My eyes may be filled with fright, but his are filled with frustration and hate.
I hope that his facial expressions are the only thing he'll do to show his discontentment.
I don't want to go down that road again.

2011-02-03T14:53:00.000-08:00

Hey Meg,
you've been punk'd,
love God.

2011-01-27T19:33:00.000-08:00

I don't really like saying amen at the end of prayers.
It feels too blunt and short.
Who am I to just cut off a conversation with God?
I try to say I love you right before I say amen, too.
Though even the combination of the two still feels too sudden.
It's like a phone call... Where you do all the talking, and then just say bye and hang up. You don't wait for a response, you just hang up when you're done confessing your sins, or saying how great our God is. I say I want to hear Him, and then I hang up on Him.

I haven't heard God in so long, because I haven't been listening.
I cut Him off, with everything I think I need to say.

It's been a long time, since I've just sat down and talked with God.
Maybe that's why not much is going very well right now. But to be honest, I already feel better.
Like He lifted a huge burden off my shoulders.
A burden I shouldn't have been trying to carry alone anyway.

"You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Hebrews 10:36
And I thought God wasn't speaking to me anymore ;)

It's gonna be okay, you know? God is proud when I do the right thing, and get through all the crap thrown at me.
I feel much better.

I just wanna break you down so badly.

2011-01-19T21:54:00.000-08:00

Reminiscing of yesterdays and yester years, yester months, and yester fears.

And he knows just what to say to make me feel priceless. But you're the one who always makes me feel worthless.

And we'll pretend
we don't feel alone
when feeling alone
is the closet we've ever felt
to home.

I fell in love with chance and fate. How they aligned so perfectly at exactly the right moment to have everything fall into place.

I try not to listen long enough to hear you list your demons

2011-01-09T17:41:00.000-08:00

There are only so many times we can say I love you before it rolls off your tongue like saying hello when greeting someone.

And something in her broke.

I never wanted to tell you this before
But you're everything I wanted and more
You're everything I'd hoped you'd be
without all the love and memories.

Hold my hand and take me out of here.

I don't want to be left here when it's all said and done,
Wondering what could have been.

Do you ever feel so far alone, that you don't even notice you are?

This song just makes me feel happy

2011-01-09T17:40:00.000-08:00

I opened the door to find you standing there.
You'd been there for a while, fighting with yourself.
Wanting to knock on the door.
Not wanting consequences.
You came to reveal your heart to me.
Wanting to share the secrets you could never speak.
We stared at each other, searching for the words to say.
No one found them, as you turned and walked away.

2011-01-08T14:26:00.001-08:00

Abby Desharnais is an inspiration :D
I blog stalk her...
She makes me think.
So now, I wonder, if I was surrounded by people I had never met before, from a completely different state, would I be the same old person?
I'd like to say yes, but I think I'd be a lot more open with people, than I am here.

2010-12-19T15:28:00.001-08:00

"Then he slowly saw their nightmares were his dreams."

2010-12-19T14:30:00.000-08:00

And every night she throws herself a pity party.
But she's the only one who ever shows up.

2010-12-16T14:11:00.000-08:00

"I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on"

2010-12-13T15:55:00.000-08:00

So, the moment things go wrong, we'll whip out all the things we've done for each other.
As though there's a price to be put on friendship.
I guess I just can't pay my debts.

Family is supposed to be there for you, right?
I guess I wouldn't really know.

It's okay that this is all my fault.
It usually is.
I just don't think I can handle it anymore.

I need to start shaping up apparently.

I thought life was getting better.
God is blessing my life so greatly.
So, please help me understand why I'm spiraling down into this hole I dug for myself a long time ago.

God, help me with this temptation please.

"Your Kingdom come, Your will be done, Jesus reign over me."

While I'm Waiting - John Waller

2010-12-12T17:17:00.000-08:00

"While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting"

Dang flabbit.
Jesus, I need You.
I'm so ready to listen to You again.
I'm beyond ready to follow Your will, Your plan, Your way.
Mine never works out, and it leaves me heart broken, and alone.
I don't want that anymore.
But more than that, I want You. I want to be able to say I'm after Your heart God.
No one else's.
You possess my heart God. My mind, my soul.
It's all Yours.
And I'm so sorry.

2010-12-12T17:14:00.001-08:00

There are some things you just don't say.
I wish you knew that.

Feeling a bit more pathetic than usual right now.

2010-12-08T15:33:00.000-08:00

I'm not depressed.
But I'd sure like to talk to you.
I like people who are honest with me.
Completely and totally.
In order to have my trust, you have to be honest.
Explains why I don't talk to many people.
God? He definitely has my full trust.
The boy? With him it was instant. There was no question.
Stitches? He did. I don't know where it stands anymore.
And you? I do. But I'd never have the courage to call you.

Please, don't treat me like a little girl. I'm not the one messing up my life completely, and then trying to shove my truths on everyone else. I can handle myself. I always have.
Grow up.

I don't open up to people, because of people like you.

2010-12-06T17:57:00.000-08:00

"If there is anything I can help with please don't hesitate... Been down that road before, and almost fell off the edge. I can relate."

Thank you, but I don't know if I can take you up on that offer.
The reason I don't talk to people, isn't because I'm afraid of what they'll think, or that I prefer to be alone. It's because I don't know how, and if I let people in too far, they'll leave.
It's been shown, many many times before.

2010-11-28T13:44:00.001-08:00

people listen better when no words are said.

2010-11-28T09:05:00.000-08:00

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

So why is it now?

The last thing on her mind was growing up

2010-11-27T20:27:00.000-08:00

I can't live with myself. So stay with me tonight.

I thought, maybe things would change.
In not one situation, but many.
I guess it's true when they say, people don't change.
It's true, they don't change... They just get better at hiding their flaws.
Not for long though.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.
I'm about ready to give up the one thing I want more than anything(Besides my Jesus), because of you.

For that, I don't know if I could forgive you.

I hate that I'm an otter lion personality.
I hate that I'm so unorganized, conceited, loud.
But mostly, I hate that I have the desire to be a leader.
I mean, I suck.
In so many ways it'd take forever to list them all.
(that's usually a joke I say to Kenny when he asks what's wrong with me, but right now, it's not really a joke).
I have to be the stupid strong one all the time, and all these people look up to me, and I hate it.
If you really knew me.

He and I react to things in very much the same way.
We feel hurt, and worthless, but we will still make sure everyone around us is happy first.
Though, we will show you that you hurt us.
Only, if we want you to know.
If you really knew me.

It was nice, you know, having someone love you. Someone who showed it, someone who really cared.
Someone, who wasn't so caught up in themselves, they stopped to help others.
I don't think I know anyone as caring, and giving as he.
He'd give you the world to make you smile, just once, even it's for just a second.
I wish, I was good enough.

2010-11-27T15:29:00.001-08:00

walls are gonna have holes tonight.

2010-11-20T20:19:00.001-08:00

I'm sorry.

I feel kind of, full of failures at the moment.
It's okay, I'll fix it.

2010-11-16T14:54:00.000-08:00

If I could save everyone around me, don't doubt for a second that I would.

why
is it
that
girls have such negative self images
why
is everyone
depressed
and a cutter

5:49pm
why are you talking that way

5:50pm
or bulimic
or anorexic
self critical
druggies
I
don't
get it
and I'm
talking like this
because
I
want to

5:51pm
I think people get down
because they don't know how to move on
or they don't want to
if something bad happened in their life

5:51pm
yeah
but its not even that
its
how we treat each other
everyone is so mean
to everyone else
with back handed comments
and they don't understand the constant sting

It's comments like "you're eating again?"
"Are you sure you want seconds?"
"Could you just listen for once?"

When there's nowhere else to turn
All your bridges have been burned
Feels like you've hit rock bottom
Don't give up it's not the end
Open up your heart again
When you feel like no one
Understands where you are

Someone loves you even when you don't think so don't you know you got
Me and Jesus by your side through the fight you will never be alone on your own you got me and Jesus

After all that we've been through
Be now you know I've doubted too
But every time my head was in my
Hands you said to me
Hold on to what we got
This is worth any cost so
Make the most of life
That's borrowed
Love like there's no tomorrow

I
want
God
to
help
me
save
people

I can crash and burn, I don't care.
If I'm helping people around me, that's all that matters.

2010-11-15T17:03:00.001-08:00

This wouldn't be so hard if you could stop thinking about yourself for two seconds.
I can't stand how you've always needed all the attention.
That stupid paper in English makes me feel like crap.
But I don't know how to write anything happy.

2010-11-12T20:33:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I might have set that up.
But only because you scare me.

I made a tumblr.
I'm keeping it to myself.

2010-11-11T19:00:00.000-08:00

"There's gonna be some changes."
Does one of those include you not being a tool anymore?

2010-11-11T15:07:00.000-08:00

Would it be alright, if we pretended to be in love for a night?

I very well might punch someone in the face.

2010-11-09T18:58:00.001-08:00

I'm not even pissed right now.
I'm broken hearted.
I do everything to protect you.
I tell you everything, and trust you with even more than that.
But then you turn it around and throw it in my face.
I don't even know what to do.

2010-11-09T17:21:00.001-08:00

"A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell."

This is by far my favorite C.S. Lewis quote.
In a world where we're surrounded by atheists who claim we as Christians, shove our beliefs on everyone around us.
I won't deny, that when I care for someone, I will try to express God to them. But there is no shoving it down their throats.
How many times have I been called a closed off bigot?
I couldn't count the amount on my hands and toes combined.
It's funny because as they're calling me this, they're sitting there, explaining to me why my beliefs are wrong, and how they are most certainly correct.
With no word in edge wise, I listen. The moment I try to say why I think differently, it's back to how I'm shoving the Bible in their face.

These are the same people who shun you for not liking the same video games as they do.
Or maybe, for disliking their favorite band.
We live in a world full of people who stand ready to tell us why we're wrong in a matter of seconds.
A world where if we think differently, we're considered weird, and bigotedly only interested in our own beliefs.

The next blog I post, will be number 300.
I think that's why I've been putting off posting as much as possible.
I don't especially like the idea that I'll have been writing this for three years on new year's eve.
How can you write three hundred blogs, but see a dramatic decrease in the value of your writing?

I'm really not feeling up to par lately.
It's not even just being sick.
I just feel very... indifferent
Very... melancholy?
ha.
I'd go into it more, but I don't think anyone really cares.

2010-11-06T11:16:00.000-07:00

This story is kind of stupid.
Here's your heads up.

The day I was supposed to go talk to that lady of the state, I was terrified.
I went for a walk, praying that I'd get hit with a car or something.
Anything that would make it so I wouldn't have to go to that meeting.
I walked to derryfield, and ran into Joe and Alec.
We talked and hung out in the field for a while, climbing trees and made fun of each other.
Then, Joe got really excited, he found a toy car on the ground.
And then, he threw it at me.
I got hit by a car.
Can I just say that God's sense of humor sometimes, is really really lame? :P
See... He answers prayers.
I still had to go to the meeting, but I laughed for a very long time, which made me feel better.
I don't know why, but I thought I'd share that story.

2010-11-05T17:50:00.000-07:00

I thought maybe things would change.
But I'm back in the place, where no one believes a thing I say, and I do everything wrong.
Maybe my mom was right in saying I can't be trusted, that I'm not worth the time, and that I lie about everything.

I wouldn't be surprised if everything I blame myself for is actually true.

I'd just like to say though, that I love Senora Laura Therrien.

Finally someone who listens, and is actually taking the steps to help.

I can't thank God enough for people like you.

Do you believe in magic?

2010-11-02T13:36:00.000-07:00

In a young girl's heart.
How the music can free her whenever it starts.

I like having Senora Therrien's respect.

This wasn't God's timing.
Our original plan was to wait a few years, and then we messed up, and decided to date.
Now God is showing us, that we didn't do a very good job listening to Him.
So now, we wait.

It's a fun little game, the waiting game.
It's certainly not my favorite, but when you win, it's the best of all :P

2010-11-01T18:37:00.000-07:00

And you don't wanna keep me waiting, staring at my fingers, feeling like a fool.

I've been writing so much lately.

It's not even stuff about me.

It doesn't describe how I feel, or me.

I think they're gonna become songs.

Maybe Kenny will sing 'em, since he always wanted me to write songs for him to sing.

I was in a rut then, though.

I guess there's a bright side.

Today was better than the past two.

Things are gonna be okay.

With the words "You're above anything thrown my way", I'm moving on and feeling better than ever.

Spending more time with God than usual, and just feeling more confident overall.

It's gonna be okay :)

2010-10-31T13:36:00.001-07:00

This is God's will.
Who am I to be upset about it?

2010-10-31T09:19:00.000-07:00

The words well up in my stomach, only to be stopped by the catch in my throat.
They just stopped.
So a squeak came out, every time I tried to say what I felt.
I could've tried to scream, and all that would come out, is that tiny squeak.
It's like the sound of defeat.

If God was really number one, would this still hurt as much?
There's that promise that it will someday work out, so why do I almost start crying every five minutes?

I feel so incredibly pathetic right now.

2010-10-29T21:35:00.001-07:00

I feel so sick.
And I am such a bad example to these girls...

2010-10-28T17:14:00.001-07:00

Dear God, please don't let history repeat its self.
The more days that go by, the more scared I get...

2010-10-28T15:57:00.000-07:00

"Meg, you're a fighter. You clearly have the Holy Spirit in you, and want to follow God's plan. I'm impressed with you."

"She's putting a lot of the kids who go here to shame. She's always on time, and has this big smile on her face, and she's always very respectful."

GAHHHHHHHHH.

2010-10-26T14:39:00.001-07:00

"My heart stopped. It just stopped beating. And for the first time in my life, I had that feeling. You know, like the world is moving all around you, all beneath you, all inside you, and you're floating. Floating in midair. And the only thing keeping you from drifting away is the other person's eyes."

2010-10-25T17:17:00.000-07:00

I'm sure the things that go bump in the night, couldn't hurt me as much as you do.

soundtrack of my life. right now.

2010-10-24T20:47:00.000-07:00


What would it take
For things to be quiet
Quiet like the snow
I know, this isn't much
But I know I could, I could be better

I don't think I deserve it,
Selflessness
Find your way into my heart
All stars could be brighter
All hearts could be warmer

What would it take
For things to be quiet
Quiet like the snow
Are we meant to be empty handed
I know I could, I could be better

I dont think I deserve it
Selflessness
Find your way into my heart
All stars could be brighter
All hearts could be warmer


Mm, let's pretend for one minute that this isn't bothering me.
But you know, I never had much of an imagination.

2010-10-24T11:26:00.001-07:00

They came to tell your faults to me,
They named them over one by one;
I laughed aloud when they were done,
I knew them all so well before,—
Oh, they were blind, too blind to see
Your faults had made me love you more.

2010-10-21T15:50:00.000-07:00

I really need to learn not to get my hopes up so high. Watching them crash isn't worth my time.

And it hurts when you promise, and them someone else breaks it for you.
I'm sick of not having any say in this.
It's ours, not yours. It's God's plan, not yours.

Stop being a control freak. It's really not cute.

Mrs. Stuart wanted me to move up to a level three.
Seeing as how I got a 97 on an SAT essay, a one hundred on a beowulf packet, and a 92 on our book reviews. I honestly don't understand.
She doesn't grade me harshly enough.
I can't do a level three... I'm way too lazy.
But oddly enough, I said yes.

Oh, I missed conversations with Athena...
She just... gets it.
I know how others feel when they talk to me now, because of her.
I don't know how to react to someone who has been though horrible things.
I'm sure people don't know how to react to me.

The one person who seemed to, doesn't talk to me much anymore.
What a coincidence.

It's okay, I don't really need someone to talk to besides God anyway...

2010-10-15T14:23:00.000-07:00

Can I just say how much I love this chick's hair?
Oh my, seeing people with beautiful red hair isn't helping me not dye mine. I'd love to do this color, it's like purpley red. Complete happy making.

So guess what I'm doing tonight? Dying my hair... Just not this color unfortunately...

Guess I really couldn't cut cold turkey haha.

Also, my hips have been hurting like crazy lately. Ugh.

2010-10-11T03:36:00.001-07:00

I'm very sleepy...
But this weekend changed everything, and so the lack of sleep is a small price to pay.

2010-10-09T00:54:00.001-07:00

It's four in the morning, and I don't really know why I'm still up.
I've been praying all night, that something will change.
I can't sleep when my mind is uneasy.
It's a wonder I sleep at all.

I went through pictures from a couple years ago.
Some were happy, and some were not.
I suppose pictures are wonderful, because they freeze a single moment in time, when you were happy. You can't be sad looking at a picture when everyone's smiling. Even if everyone in that picture is long gone.
Even if that picture was taken before the biggest mistake of your life with that person.
So many pictures with them... It helps you realize why you did what you've done.

I'm listening to explosions in the sky.
There was something about that song... I'll never really understand it.

I can't be thinking about this now. Not when everything's falling apart.
It just tears my seams wide open.

So I'm not... anymore.
Because now I went through my old messages, and I found a few from you.
We were really good then, and almost every single one of our messages was about God.
We should... be like that again.

I know you're just a ragdoll now, sewn together by the memories we might have had.

2010-10-08T05:39:00.001-07:00

What a silly investment I had in you.

My heart beats for Him. I live to glorify Him.
Anyone who distracts me from that... isn't supposed to walk hand in hand with me on this journey.
It should always be a building up experience. Where they're on the same page as you. You help them run after God harder, and they do the same for you.

But let me ask you this, are we supposed to have water breaks on this run?

This isn't about my relationship.
(Corey Farr!)
Unless by relationship, you mean friendships.

2010-10-06T18:03:00.001-07:00

I need to not snoop...

2010-10-06T13:28:00.000-07:00

So I'll stand here and try to figure out the where and the how.
And what it really means to live.
Because we all know there's more than this.
But some of us choose the wrong way, just because we love to be proven wrong.

2010-09-30T13:35:00.001-07:00

This doesn't even feel real anymore.
It's like a dream gone terribly wrong. We took a wrong turn somewhere...

"Look into your heart pretty baby,
is it aching with some nameless need?
Is there something wrong and you can't put your finger on it?"

When the other was upset, would we still just give them a half smile and a hug?

2010-09-25T20:27:00.000-07:00

So, I wrote a blog asking people to give me their definitions of love.
I got a few people with feedback, and their ideas were all similar in some ways, but also very opposite.

I guess, in order to truly define it, you need to know which way the word is being used.
Like, if you're in love with someone, or your love for your sibling.
I was talking about the context of being in love.

Abby Desharnais(whom I love very much) said, "I feel like love is a deep care for another person. Love isn't an emotion you can really express in words. It's just something you can feel. It's the most intense emotion, and people throw it around like it's nothing. "

And Corey dearest says "Gosh. How do you describe a feeling? Love is accompanied by a bunch of emotions that I don't know if they've even been named. But love itself is a thing. And an action. Separate from and not constantly accompanied by those. But I guess, in the words of my great grandfather Russel-'you just know corey. You just know.' And I'd say his marriage was a pretty dang good example. So... I guess he's right. Also, look to God. He gave us marriage that we might have a small glimpse of His love for us and His self love. That we may be one as the trinity is one, in a never ending circle of giving and receiving perfect love and oneness. I can't really describe it."

One of the definitions in the dictionary is : sexual passion or desire.
Honestly, just because you have desire, doesn't mean your in love. This bothers me.

The greatest love story I've ever heard, is John three sixteen.
The gospels in their entirety.
I cannot think of a superior way to explain what love is.

It's simply indescribable.
There is a moment, where you just feel it. You can't explain it. You can only feel it. In the very center of your heart, it's this odd glowy feeling. It'll make you happy, and scared, eager, but cautious. You'll go crazy waiting to tell the person, you'll spend what seems like eternity wondering what their response will be, and the butterflies in your stomach will grow thousands of times worse, when they say they feel the same. The curiosity of the future will inhibit your mind. And the frightening thought of losing them will become more frequent.
You'll wonder why they love you, when you can't name every reason why you love them.
You won't even be able to describe what your love for them feels like.
Because,
it's simply indescribable.

I don't know what the point of this was.

It's simple reminders like the one tonight that help me remember we're gonna be okay.
I just need them every now and then...

"He says, son can you play me a memory? I'm not really sure how it goes. But it's sad and it's sweet, and I knew it complete, when I wore a younger man's clothes."

Let's go back to last year, in October.
Where we played horse(I won), and we told each other stories.
I talked about my dad, and how it made me the way I am.
You talked about your mom, and how it made you the way you are.
I didn't cry, and it was probably the only time I haven't when talking about that.
You gave me that half smile, stood up, and gave me a hug.
We were so simple then.
We knew each other barely. But I loved you even still.
I didn't need to know every little thing about you, or your reasoning behind everything.
I just loved you, what you said, your hugs, how you made me feel, and most importantly, your love for God.
We were so simple then.
But now, it's almost been a year. And half way through that, we had our first kiss, we "learned how to hold hands", we told each other everything, we talked about God's plan for our lives, both separately and together, we noticed each others habits, and our downfalls.
It's almost like we know each other too well.
I could probably point out a detail about you, no matter how random.
The slight space between your two front teeth.
The way you try to hide when you're upset, but if left alone, you'll come to me about it.
How you get sleepy if I play with your hair.
Random, tiny things that you only notice when you're around someone a lot.
When you really get to know them.
I still love you, even with your little flaws, and your sometimes major ones.
But I sometimes wonder what would have happened if we hadn't progressed as much as we have.
When the other was upset, would we still just give them a half smile and a hug?
Instead of a frown, and a hand squeeze. A "you'll make it through this".

I've never needed to hear those words, because I've always known them to be true.
All I want is that adorable half smile, and a comforting hug.
Honey, we've almost made it a year, let's not lose sight now.

Listen to Autumn

2010-09-24T12:08:00.001-07:00

2010-09-21T16:28:00.002-07:00

"When do
the steps
stop?
In this
midnight
staircase
of closed
eyes and
empty hands.
I feel
like I
have been
here for
ages"

I always thought heartbreak was a metaphor.

2010-09-16T15:17:00.000-07:00

Well, I suppose there are worse things that could happen.
And I've probably gone through most of them before.
With God, I can conquer anything.
Everything.

Things aren't working right now.
And unless there's a change, it's not gonna get better.
We have to stop ignoring everything, and shoving it behind us.
That's not how this works.

And that night was just deja vu. And I'm praying that this won't fail the same way we thought it wouldn't before.
I've seen this attempted before. I've seen it fall apart.
I don't want that to happen this time.
We need to be careful, because I don't want this to be added to my list of "used to be's".

Also, I'm not a fan of Mrs. Stuart's newest English assignment.
"When I was five..."
It's not fun remembering back then.
I know I need to, in order to do this project.

We had to do a quick write.
When I was five; a list.
Now that I'm sixteen; another list.

Here, I'll show you.

When I was five:

My mom used to make me wear ugly dresses to church.
My favorite color was pink.
I went to a small, lovely church.
All of my siblings lived with me
I had a family

Now that I'm sixteen:

My mom doesn't even talk to me
I hate pink, and my favorite color is orange
I still go to a decently small church, but it's not the same as back then
Only Mel and Josh live here now
I still have family, but not a family

It was really hard to come up with things that weren't really depressing.
And even the stuff I came up with wasn't that uplifting.
How am I supposed to write about this stuff...?

The teachers know about my life, it's a small school, they know what I've gone through.
But they know through my dad's eyes.
Which is probably the worst perspective to go by, besides my mother's.

You know, I'm just kind of blabbing.
I haven't blogged in a while. I felt incomplete.

Also, I don't have anyone to talk to anymore.
Kenny and I aren't supposed to text as much.
Which is really hard to deal with, considering everything going on right now.
And I practically got rid of the person I talk to about everything.
Well, not got rid of, but I'm sure you know what I mean...
So, in the end, I'm left alone. Just like always.

And do not tell me I shut myself off, because the only reason I do, is because everyone leaves when I open up.
No one can handle my problems, which makes me wonder how I do.

2010-09-11T09:26:00.000-07:00

He asks to come over for the day.
But I say honey, you don't wanna stay in this broken castle tonight.

2010-09-09T15:21:00.001-07:00

My hip hurts.

Vent.

2010-09-06T17:37:00.001-07:00

There are a few things I've noticed lately.
One of which being, my past few ex boyfriends have dated girls, who also have dyed their hair obnoxiously red, after me.
Weird.
Secondly, too many people, when finding out that I am no longer going to central, and in turn are going to a private CHRISTIAN school, start swearing at me.
You guys are doing a fabulous job of making me wanna go back to central.
Awesome job.

I got new cleats, which made me really happy at first.
But then I realized I have to break them in, which probably means, more blisters.
YES.

God has blessed Mel and me incredibly.
Some people from my old church are paying our tuition to go to Mount Zion.
That's over 14,000 dollars.
Unbelievable.
Considering we had absolutely no idea how long we'd be able to go there, or how we'd pay for it.
God is AMAZING.

And for all of you who think I'm dumb for wanting to go to this school, listen for a second, okay?
God wants me there(I don't care if you don't believe in Him). If He didn't, none of this stuff would be happening. It's all so amazing.
Second, I'd much rather be in a Christian environment.
Surrounded by people who encourage me in my faith, and understand what I'm talking about when I bring up something God's doing.
Thirdly, I LOVE the people there.
And of course, I love my friends at central, too. But, I don't have very many close friends there.
Fourthly, there are five other kids in my grade besides me. I love that, being in such a small class is amazing. Andddd, I now have a reason to actually work hard and succeed in school.
Basically, because I have to. People are paying A LOT of money for me to go there.
And how horrible would it be, if I didn't do my very best?
I would suck.
haha.

:D

2010-09-04T10:02:00.000-07:00

Perfection cannot be achieved. Unless of course, you're Jesus.
Those seeking to reach perfection, wouldn't even know if they got there.
Everyone has a different idea of perfection.
So if we reached perfection in our own eyes, we could still be far off in others.
I don't even see the point haha.

Mount Zion is amazing.
So much more than I had even imagined.
It's true that soccer has destroyed my feet. But that'll go away eventually.
But, I actually do homework now?
Whoa.

I had a lot to say a few seconds ago. But I'm too exhausted to function.

I'm not really nervous anymore.

2010-08-29T13:48:00.001-07:00

It's a conversation you're very hesitant to have.
The feelings of the person towards you, seem kind of bleak. They seem to have a somewhat bad view of you.
Are not a fan.
A burst of courage, that comes out of nowhere, just to initiate it.
You awkwardly talk at first, still slightly worried about their feelings towards you.
You're careful about wording, and work hard at not sounding like a loser.
And you realize how absolutely nice the other person is.
Friendly, and sweet.
The more you talk, the more you find you have in common.
Bad things, good things
You tell some of your story, and try to make it seem like its not as bad as it was.
You end the sentence with "haha", just to lighten it, so they don't give you pity.
Because that's not what you want.
She asked about your family situation, and that isn't easy to talk about without sounding pathetic.

You find things you have in common with her, that you would never want to have in common with anyone. Its a pain you've endured, that you don't want anyone else to.
But they have.

After the conversation, you feel a lot better.
And you start to feel more and more excited about what the school year holds.
You can tell, you'll be close friends with this chica.
I am a fan :D

And dude, I never hit it off with chicks right away.
God is doing something really awesome. As usual ;)

He took my broken life and made it into something so
much more incredible than I could even imagine.

SO excited for school tomorrow.
I need new shoes.
And a laptop.
God will provide.

It was worth a shot. right?

2010-08-27T15:05:00.000-07:00

And my heart may have just broken in two.
And I might be wondering just why God's plans are NEVER the same as mine.
Why, when something starts to look up, and everything is going my way, its thrown completely off.

Maybe because it's my way, and not God's...
But still... I really wanted this.
I'm trying so hard to not break down right now. All I wanna do is scream. Just for a second.

But I'm not going to.
Because God's timing is perfect.
And I'll just cry quietly to myself while reading Proverbs 16:3&4 over and over again.

Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music

2010-08-20T12:13:00.000-07:00

This whole thing just scares me.
And its incredibly uncomfortable. There's gotta be a way to figure out if this is all just in my head.
But is there a way without anyone getting hurt?... Doubtful.

"I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up too "
I'm really kinda mad at myself for relating to this lyric in a Kelly Clarkson song(especially since you forced me to listen to it before school once in your car, you said "it describes us").
But I don't think that's true. I think its just that one line.

I don't really know where I am right now.
I feel like I'm in the middle of being who I was, and who I'm about to become.
It's sort of like the limbo of transition.
I couldn't tell you my favorite type of music as of now, mostly because I don't know what to call it. Corey calls it 'alternative rock'. Although I don't really think that's it.
Mostly I've been listening to worship music, and random weird bands I find.
The music that you could use to define a certain moment in life.
Like the song We Own the Sky by M83.
I wouldn't be able to tell you why, but it feels like summer to me.

I've been mocked a lot lately by how often I relate music to life.
But hey, its a big part of who I am. And I know most people say that.
I won't say that its different than other people, but I have a friendship with music.
I think it's wonderful when people can take how they feel and translate it into song.
Which is why I've been practicing piano a lot more lately.
I want to be able to do that.
And no offense to my band kid friends, but saxophone just doesn't cut it for me.
Its just so easy to write music for piano to me.

Alright, I'll stop going on about my love for music now.

I'd like to say that car accidents really are quite a wake up call.
Even if its a minor dent and paint swap accident.
To think that if we hadn't stopped as soon as we did, multiple people's lives would have been at risk, is terrifying.
All I can do is thank God was watching over us and them.

"When people hear good music, it makes them homesick for something they never had, and never will have."- Edgar Watson Howe

2010-08-17T20:54:00.001-07:00

p.s. You are the perfect lullaby.
And so cute too.

2010-08-16T14:10:00.000-07:00

If I know you at all anymore, you still read these.
Not really sure why you do, but I've realized that you are kinda...different.
So I guess nothing you do really makes sense.

But just so you know, I'm disgusted with who you are now. You're everything you always used to hate. It's sad. But I'm also glad I'm on the outside looking in, and not a part of your life anymore.
I hope you figure out what your purpose is.
You used to think it was helping people. But I hope you realized that you caused more downfalls than anything.
I really hate to see you wandering around like this. Because even though you have no significance in my life now, you used to. So its kinda lame to see you so messed up.

I have been physically drained the past few days.
Like to the point where I just wanna sleep and not get up. But I have too many responsibilities all of a sudden for that.

"you make beautiful things out of us."
Amen.

The thoughts of mine at five thirty in the morning when I still can't sleep

2010-08-05T21:57:00.000-07:00

Curtains are a very curious thing. We use them to block things out and to block them in. Currently mine are being used to block out the sky that is getting brighter by the minute. I wanna sleep, I mean, I do have work later. But I wanna see the sunrise. I have continuously been opening and closing my shades for fifteen minutes.
What if its an amazing sunrise and I miss it?
Meg, you're gonna be cranky all day if you don't go to sleep.
But the birds are chirping. They want me to enjoy the sunrise. I would be singing too if I saw something as beautiful as that every morning.
What if its one of those sunrises where the sky brightens, but thats about it?

I don't think my mom knew me well enough when she made these curtains.
Its a wonder they aren't broken with my constant struggle between loving God's beautiful wonders, and His other amazing creation; sleep.

My final decision? To watch the sunrise. I won't regret it, even if its one of those simple ones. It's still beautiful.

After that though, I'm closing the curtains.

The thoughts of mine at five in the morning.

2010-08-05T21:47:00.000-07:00

There's something very beautiful about the city at five in the morning. The sky is just starting to lighten with a mess of blue and purple horizons. The crickets are chirping more than they do late at night. Almost as though they're giving their farewells. They have their time of angst the same way we do when its getting dark outside. There are few cars that drive by this early. I wish I was one of the people driving somewhere right now. Maybe I could stay awake for the sunrise.

I like the soundtrack of the city. Every hour has its theme and every moment has its song. I don't take nearly enough time to stop and listen to it anymore. When I was younger I used to fall asleep to the sound of the cars going by. Now its too complicated. I listen to worship music before bed. But I wonder if God would rather I listen to the beauty of His creation and praise Him for it, instead of songs that overplay and lose their spiritual value.
This morning I will enjoy His creation; a city lullaby.

2010-08-02T16:49:00.000-07:00

And she wonders why we're all conceited enough to think that we're the one thing God created that wasn't beautiful.

I'm lost and undone without you.

2010-08-01T15:50:00.001-07:00

And I wouldn't tell you I'm not offended.
But then again, I wouldn't tell you much of anything.

So, there was always a reason for why I tried to move away from the then.
But it wasn't good enough until I was "pushed away".
Oh, but honey, didn't you know I hadn't planned on talking to you much more anyway?

People have the strangest ways of thinking.
And I've heard that no one understands it.
But shouldn't we all, since well, we're the subject of the most study?

When up is down, and wrong is right, and the blame is pushed all around.

I hope that nothing goes wrong for you ever again. And we might as well hope that if it does, you can make a valid excuse as to why it wasn't your fault.

You're awfully good at it.

I would've run out of people to blame by now.

Oh, okay, I see.

So I can get through anything.

But I didn't know that meant everything.

I'm not gonna sit around crying about this.

My life never falls apart, because it was never really together.

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.

I just wish He didn't trust me so much."

God has given you one face, and you make another.

Wearing a mask at all times.

So let me ask you this.

When are you gonna take it off?

Who's that?

2010-07-29T21:22:00.000-07:00

There are always gonna be those people who you hope will somehow intersect in your life again. Even if that means willingly enduring pain. But sometimes... the pain is worth it.

And sometimes its not, but I try to fool myself into thinking it is. To call you and catch up with you. Catch up... Seemingly always turning into the same road over again. Let's take this time to go the road less travelled. Yes, I'm that creative that I am going to steal Robert Frost lines and act like it's okay.

I'm also gonna continue acting like my extreme lack of sleep the past few days is not effecting my writing. I always get a little too philosophical when sleep deprived. So... as my thoughts continue to all jumble together and make no sense(especially since I haven't really talked to anyone about anything lately[maybe I'm a little people deprived, too]), I'll just leave this here.

Sometimes, I guess my thoughts just don't make sense.

2010-07-28T17:15:00.000-07:00

Cuz, well you know, it was never easy to say goodbye.

And we all try to act like we don't hold onto the past.

We don't want anyone to know how much it still hurts, so we sit and we pretend.

And it's so easy to play that game.

I wanna see someone: different.

Someone who doesn't let life push them around.

And will always give you a run for your money.

Well, its been said that's me.

But honey, if that's what you think, I dun think you know me at all.

I'll always give you a piece of my mind, and no I don't like to be pushed around.

But we all have those moments when its easier to just say yes.

No one wants to hear the word no.

Not when they're convinced it's their biggest desire of the minute.

So, go ahead and sit, and pretend.

But don't hope they're impressed.

Oh, so I guess you've heard I'm not perfect.

I hope it didn't break your heart too much.

On your marks, get set, GO.

Because no minute is ever like any other.

I get so sick of hearing of how everything's the same. How nothing's gonna change. You know sweetie, you could never look in my eyes and say that. Months ago I could've said the same thing. Looking back now, I'm sure glad you weren't right.

And my Jesus is the one thing I couldn't survive without.

You say I could.

Doesn't mean I would.

I have set the Lord always before me, because He is at my right hand; I will not be shaken. Psalm 16:8

2010-07-28T14:58:00.000-07:00

"If I didn't know who you used to be, I'd probably like you now."
haha, okay.

Prednisone

2010-07-28T12:16:00.000-07:00

Okay, so a few days ago I had an allergic reaction... we're not really sure what it was to yet. But, oh well.
My lips and hands were swollen, as well as my throat, and I had hives on my neck, chest, and behind my ears. Awesome right?
So I went to the doctor on Monday, and he gave me... STEROIDS.
Even more awesome.
Soon after taking them, I've become really moody, and its been extremely hard to sleep... Even with taking benadryl every six hours.
So I called my doctor and he told me that this is due to the steroids I've been taking.
WOOOHOOO.
I love being really irritable. Especially when I'm trying really hard not to hurt people, who would not normally be as annoying as they have been the past few days.

This whole experience is way too much to even think about... Did I mention the memory loss? ha yeahhhh. Don't try to have a conversation with me, if you want me to remember it, for the next few days. Because... I really don't remember anything other than what I've read, and reread in my text messages.

Okay, so thanks to everyone who prayed about it, and who were concerned about. If you guys could pray about the side effects that'd be spectacular.

Do you ever sit in the rain pretending that its washing all your problems away?

2010-07-22T11:35:00.000-07:00

Do you ever drive past the houses of people you used to know, just to see if they still live there? Or maybe hoping they're outside, and will say hello?
Do your dreams ever have themes? A reoccuring event?
When was the last time you saw a rainbow?

I want you to tell me what you think love is.
^^If you have read this blog, take the time to leave a comment(or since thats apparently impossible, tell me on facebook) answering at least that question.

2010-07-21T19:25:00.000-07:00

"But I need you to love me.

I won't keep my heart from you this time.

And I'll stop this pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have.

I need you to love me"- I need you to love me by Barlowgirl.

Ugh, these past two days have just not been worth it.

Bring my anger to God... I don't know how to do that without directing it at Him. And that's not something I want to do.

Today blew up in my face, really badly. And there was absolutely no way to fix it so everyone was happy.

Well, they ended up okay, but you know, I have feelings too.

If they could stop being trampled all over and then blatantly ignored, that would be awesome.

I'm not dealing with this anymore.

I am not dealing with people taking advantage of the way I am.

It's not fair to me.

And you know, all I can really do right now is repent.

I just haven't been myself lately.

It's dumb. I don't know who I am right now.

So when you ask me to hang out, I'll just put on a sign saying "be back soon".

Cause, I'm hoping for it as much as you are.

"And the night is so long when everything's wrong."

2010-07-20T21:01:00.000-07:00

"The day I see your father angry is... You know, I can't even imagine."
I didn't even know what to say to this lady. She and my dad love each other... that's the most obvious thing in the world. But neither of them will take a step towards the other.
My dad uses Mel and me as an excuse, one that she accepts. But I know, he loves her too much to scare her away with his problems.
I want my dad to be loved, to feel loved, but I don't know. This lady... I don't know if she could deal with all of his anger problems.

I really hate learning things that my mom has said or done.
For some reason I still try to hold her on a pedestal. As though the past few years never happened. Like we're okay now, and she's just on another one of her weekend trips... One that's lasting a bit longer than the rest.
Like she's gonna come back and try to win us over with a cheap gift all over again. Her attempts at trying to get us to respect her, when she gave the least amount of effort possible.
Kind of like when I know I could ace a test if I tried. But I don't study, and barely get by with a 65.
But you know, she wasn't even giving that much effort.

Everyone's anger issues around here is really starting to rub me the wrong way.
I don't know how much more of this I can take before I boil over.
Two years of holding it in...
This isn't gonna last much longer.

God, help?

I didn't even write about how frustrating this night has been.
Gah, I really don't know how to vent do I?

2010-07-14T19:52:00.000-07:00

And the taste of sin hung on his lips.

I found him!haha.

2010-07-14T15:06:00.000-07:00

Love, Love, Love this man haha. Thank you for the multiple people who texted me saying who he is. Rob Bell is the essence of amazing haha. They used to show these videos at MCC wayyyy back in the day.He is amazing. You can find the rest of this video on youtube, as well as many others. And there are plenty of sites that have him on it. So go!I've been listening to him all day.

2010-07-13T19:41:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to find these videos that this guy with blonde spikey hair did.
He was a christian, and the videos were wicked awesome.
If only I could remember the name... I think it begins with an N. The series I mean.