It's been a while, huh? It's been so long in fact, that I don't even know how to get around on blogger anymore.
So, about two months ago I moved to Milford, NH. It's a quaint little town, but I miss my home daily. I live with an incredible family that is teaching me what it's like to have a family. Something I never really learned growing up. It's a struggle, in a lot of ways. I've hated myself for so long, and haven't had any goals in my life for almost a year now, besides just making it through every day. They push me in a lot of ways that I'm uncomfortable with, but deep down I know that's what I need to get out of this funk I've been in. The thing is, I've been so comfortable with my depression for so long, to the point where I didn't even know I was depressed, that I'm unsure if I really want to come out of it. Which is the saddest thing I've ever experienced, even though I can't feel it. Apathy is the only thing that has been consistent in my life for months now.
I find myself constantly craving human affection, but not in a healthy way. I want a relationship pretty desperately, but I know that wouldn't be good for where I am right now.
I've discovered that there are a lot of things that I know, but it doesn't change how I feel about any of it. If anything, it makes me want to flee from them even more so. I almost find myself wishing I didn't have people holding me accountable just so I can have a cigarette when I want one, hang out with whomever I please, whenever I so choose. I crave so many things that are utterly unhealthy.
I miss my Grampa every day. For some reason I feel like if he was still alive, everything in my life would make sense. I know it probably wouldn't, but at least I'd have one person in my life who actually understands me, listens when I want to talk, and doesn't force me to when I don't want to.
This is the first time I've really processed any of this, because I'm a writer. I don't talk to people, I write about everything, and if someone stumbles upon it, it's cool. I've taught myself how to depend on no one but myself, and the one thing I cling to will be the death of me. But isn't that the same for everyone?
I keep myself in my head so much that I literally analyze everything. I've discovered the flaws of everyone who is around me, and also figured out the reasons why they exist. The only person I can't figure out is myself, but that may be the safest thing in my life.
