everything is okay.

You're only doing this, because you're upset I don't need you anymore.

I am so happy. Today was a good weekend.
And its not even over yet :)
I got to see you yesterday for a while. We were completely honest about everything. And you trust me that much more now. This is so worth it.
December 13 here we come :D
Alsoooo, your sister doesn't hate me anymore. I am so relieved.

That song you wrote, was amazing p.s.


I am so terrified now. I do this whole thing where I think I'm making a mistake and then ruin stuff for myself.
I pray to God everyday that it won't happen this time.


"all it takes is all we have"

"I think its time I should leave"

You have to tear down what was there to begin with, to buid something even better.
Its like when you clean your room. You have to like take everything apart, and then you have all this stuff everywhere, but then you clean it, and its so much better.


I love how that relates to everything. Its my ultimate pick me up with I'm down.


I think for the first time, you actually made me happy.
Telling me you knew everything about me. That I put on a fake smile every day.
I literally had a smile on my face when you said that, and there was nothing fake about it.
You spend all your time saying you don't care about people. But what about all those times when you forced me to open up. You cracked my shell, supposedly.
I think instead you cracked my spine.
I am so glad I only have my own expectations to live up to now. I don't have to worry about yours, and your constant criticizing.


I fell apart because of you. Not because of all the stress and everything I had to deal with.
You making me think I had to face all of this stuff. Even this lame stuff that doesn't matter to me at all.
Like this, for instance.
I can't say I haven't been this happy in a while. Because I have.
You just made my day so much better.

I've changed, yeah.
But for the better. I love where I am right now.
With God, with school, with everything.


you're stupid.
Erase me from your memory, and pretend everything that happened between us didn't.
I feel like you run away from things so much more than I do.


I am so pumped for Saturday.
I wonder if he sits around all day and during school wishing the week was over so we could see each other again.
:)





Please don't call me tonight. I won't answer. I'm not talking to people.

The bear and the rabbit.

I don't remember what that conversation was about. But I feel like it was something along the lines of me being a bear, and you'd be the rabbit.
And it's oh so true.
You're calm and innocent, and I'm loud and obnoxious.
A hint of innocence, but most of it was taken away.

My over touchiness? you became used to it a while ago. You just don't know why I am like that.
I wanna tell you everything that makes me, well me.
But I'm scared. You think I'm amazing, but what happens when you find all my demons? Will I still seem that way to you?
I'm terrified of losing you.
It's true that I don't exactly have you.
But I feel in my heart, that this is supposed to happen. And if God intends for it, it will.

Yeah, I think dating is lame nowadays. There's no point really. But there would be with you.

I've always believed that the point of dating was to find someone to marry.
So, yeahhh.
I dunno.

Too many thoughts are running through my head.
I can't keep track of them all.
God, you, school, God, Webster Kiddies, you, homework, you, praying, obstacles, God, you.
Oy, I need to take a step back and breathe a little bit. Decemberrrr.
Not October, not November, but December.
So stop for a minute. We don't even know how this will go. I don't know if I'm setting myself up for hurt again. But I know deep down you would never do anything like that.
You are the sweetest person I have ever met.

"And when I look in your eyes, I see a piece of me I was missing."

scary yes. But comforting as well.

One thing left to say, I can't wait till Saturday.

Is it creepy if...?

"Did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?"- drops of jupiter by train.

People are odd. Don't know what you got till its gone? Possibly. I never meant to hurt you. Ever. But I didn't know you liked me either. I'm kind of disappointed.


"you're just the girl that everyone wants, you don't try to impress people, you're just yourself."

awww. I don't even know how to react to you.
You make me smile.
How nervous you get around me. You make me feel amazing.
You have a confidence that most guys don't. And innocence none have.


Ian Burbank, I still think you're amazing, and you are one of my best friends. Alwayssss!


"Itll still be two days till we say we're sorry" one week by barenaked ladies.

I miss you.

:D

"its like when the grinch's heart grows at the end of the movie, thats what happens whenever I see you"

awww. I don't even know what to say to that. I'll wait till December for you, of course.
And no doubt you'll be reading this since I gave you the link.


Do you like me, I can't tell?
Am I the direction you're going in, because I feel like the roads been closed off.
Maybe even a dead end?
I like you a lot, I do. But I've found that you really don't know what you want right now. And you really aren't ready for a relationship. I am. And if that means waiting for someone until December I don't mind. Because he is an amazing guy. And he's a Christian, double win!
I dunno, I told you I wouldn't wait, and so, I'm not. asdfghjkl; I sound like a terrible person right now. But I've realized that I need to stop spending all my time waiting for people. It just ends in wasted time. And maybe this wouldn't have, but I guess we'll never really know...
I'll call you tonight. We need to talk. oh, and thanks for the voicemail, it made me smile.

God is amazing.
people are good.
waiting is a waste.

I think I've learned something today.

By waiting for you, I found someone who had been there all along.

"It starts in my toes, and crinkles my nose."

"And after all, you're my wonder wall."

I still wanna be best friends for you. Always :)

Smile and the whole world smiles with you.

Because thats all you need to do to feel better sometimes.
Just smile.

Its not pretending nothings wrong. Or even covering it up. Its creating your own happiness.

I did that all at the football game, I just smiled.
When he looked at me I smiled. When I was practically frozen, I smiled. And when Garrett gave me a bruise, I smiled XD
But then you got there, and sat annoyingly close to the band. I frowned. A lot.
I cannot stand seeing you. I didn't know it could hurt to miss someone this much.
Or at least, not again.

Reckless tonight, I've waited long for you.


And I'm sorry we couldn't hang out today. I wanted to. I did.
:)
Oh well, just smile.


"And I'd die to win, Cause I'm born to lose"

cold hands. warm heart. warm hands, cold heart. maybe we can even each other out.

Did I really just consider that.
I think you're cute.
I know everything you've done.
But still, I don't think I'd mind getting to know you better.
GAGS.
NOOOOOO.
thats bad.


I wanna write more stuff here.
But I can't, because someone reads my blogs.
And if I say anything about how I feel, he'll see it.
I don't think he should know everything going through my head right now.
How amazing I think he is. How my heart speeds up when I see he's calling.
Even how I automatically feel better. I can't help but smile at the sound of his name.

Whoops, did I just write that?
Doesn't matter, thats not most of it.

footprints in the sand.

"My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

Mmm that poem is uplifting. So inspirational.
And then "everything" by lifehouse always makes me cry.

Fights with my mom are always awful.
We hadn't fought in a while. But this was definitely one of the worst.

"you taught me how to lie"

If there was anything I ever learned from you. It was that.

Leila thinks I'm a good writer, I couldn't tell you why, but that made my day.

You built up a world of magic.

Sometimes I say things, only for sympathy.


I used to pretend to be hurt, because I loved it when you cared.
Does that make me a horrible person. Or does it mean, I just wanted love?
Because that's all I've ever wanted from you, nothing more.


You said I became so emotional. But thats because it was the only way to get you to show me love. When we'd hang out you'd hurt me. Constantly. Even when I asked you to stop. And that scared me so much.

I say I love you too much. To everyone. I don't think I know the meaning of the word. I certainly haven't been shown t that often. Thats why I love it so much when you say it to me. And I'd say it back. But, I don't think I know how to love.

I also say I'm sorry too much. I overused it so much I forgot what it meant.
But when I apologized to you. I meant it with all of my heart. And maybe more.


Ian Burbank. You are amazing. And I know that I love you. In a best friend kind of way :)
Thank you so much for always being there. Especially lately, with everything thats been going on, I need someone as great as you :)
And I hope I can help you out too.
I believe you when you say you'll never leave.


When you say I'm amazing, I just might believe you.

Remembering.

"I have the upmost faith that you will always make me proud. You're one of a kind Meg, don't lose that."

Even when I was eight years old, him saying that to me made me fly. The only person back then who seemed to care about me. I miss him so much. But in all honesty I think I miss the memory of him more. I don't remember much about him anymore. Other than he was always smiling.

Its crazy. I remember everything. People always remark on my memory. It's because of the fact that I over think, everything. But the one thing I want to remember. I can't.

Maybe that's the monster.
Not remembering everything I should. The things I should think about, I avoid.
Run away from.
Well, I'm done.

MY DEMONS.

I have nightmares about you now.
I haven't had a nightmare in a long time, not one like that.
I'm terrified of you.
I don't consider us friends.
Even though you said we were.
You're the one person who has the full ability to hurt me. And it seems like you've decided to take advantage of it now.
And the worst part is, you don't even know it.

Every detail drawn out. Everything so specific.
The demons I thought I got rid of long ago.
The monster. The monsters back.
You never knew about the monster.
But you drove him away for almost a year.
But there's nothing protecting me from him anymore.
I couldn't tell you what it is.
Or why I have it.
Or even why you were the one who made it go away.
But its back.
And its bite is sharper than ever.
Its claws ready to grab ahold of me.
Ready set go, I'm gone.
And I guarantee you, this time when I go under, its gonna take someone like who you used to be, to pull me up.

I think my heart just smiled.

Was this really neccessary?
You're stupid, I'm not wasting my time on you anymore.

I have nothing left to say to you.

Alsoooo, please ignore the first part of my blog yesterday. I didn't mean it.



I see you, and then I see your shadow. Shadows never change, not by much. To me, they're a reminder that we can never completely change who we are. For better, or for worse. I would know, trying to do complete changes in my life. But there's always the one part that stays.
Your shadow, is still exactly the same as the day I met you. So maybe, when I decide to talk to you again, everything will be the same. I can guarantee you, that in the past week, I've changed, almost drastically. This was the first football game I went to, where I didn't come home and have a breakdown.
I stopped feeling like I needed to call you.
I heard people call me names, and I smiled.
Nothing matters anymore.
There's only one thing I care about anymore.
And I am so, happy for this.
You would be too, if you cared anymore.


I just know now, everythings gonna be okay.
"Are you living?"
"yeah?"
"Then you'll be okay."
you're logic doesn't always make sense, but maybe for once you were right.
And I am okay, with or without you.

I'm mr brightside.

Aggravated, yes.
I am so done with this.
Waiting and hoping I'll "win".
It's stupid.
Lemme know if you actually like me, not because you had to choose between two chicks.

And you can go fuck yourself. I don't need your shit, nor do I want it. All you are is a liar. Someone who did the exact same thing as that other jerk. But I can say, I finally know why he did all of that stuff. You have no reason, other than you're a dick.

So whatever, I'm not going out of my way to talk to anyone anymore.

its the way you say my name.

"and with that, she slammed the door in my face. But I wonder if it was in more ways than one."

This house is not a home. And the ways of it say it never will be.

It's almost like we all live in the jungle. Eating each other alive, to survive. Only, we feed off of happiness. Taking it away from each other, supplying ourselves with it instead. I just sit and watch. A bystander at most. Sit in my room and do nothing, until I'm disturbed. Until someone decides to suck away my happiness too.

I think I'll die the day I find how to ignore it all. A secret too great to be known for too long.

I think my heart missed a beat. Your words made my stomach flutter. Soon to be followed by a tightening feeling. Am I falling out, just as I fell in?

you're too far gone.

"I looked away, then I looked back at you. You tried to say the things that you can't undo, If I had my way I'd never get over you."

You were my everything. You went to just being something. I'm debating on whether you should be anything. You could be nothing. You could always be something. You'll never be everything again.

Your deep chocolate eyes are always there to confuse me. Lack of emotion it seems, over emotional all the same. Your eyes are what scare me the most about you. And always have. The fact that I can't tell what you're thinking through them. You're a mystery, one that I no longer have a desire to solve.

So, this might end up okay. Or could take a turn for the worst. I'll just have to wait and see. But will I have the patience...?

up, down, left, right.

It was a sense of control that probably shouldn't be given to me. I would never trust someone like me with any responsibility.

"you are strong. I can't say much else about you."
No. I'm a liar, and that's all I'll ever be. I've dug so far down, there's no way out anymore. Except for that one, but I couldn't do it. I'd fall so far. Farther than I've ever been. And to be honest, I don't know what would pull me out anymore.

"And I love that about you."
What do I say to you now? I haven't felt that way in ages. And now, you do? I don't know if I can retrieve the feelings from a year ago. I don't know if I want to.

But then, then there's you. The answer to my possible prayers. The ones I pray for, but don't expect to recieve. Does that make any sense? You're just, everything. There's no other way to describe you, really.

He's here. He sits on my couch like its his. Goes through the fridge like its his food. Talks to me like I should respect him. And I don't. I hope I never do. He tries to start conversation, but doesn't listen. He started to date my mom before they were divorced. And he expects me to respect him. I promise, that is the one thing I will never do.

scuffling through the leaves.

its that moment when you first walk outside. When you no longer smell the after time of a downpour, but instead your senses are filled with the signs of autumn.

I couldn't tell what it is about you. Just seeing you makes me smile. It's like every thing stops the moment I see you. Even in the crowded hallways, there's only you.


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I wish I could say that everything happens for a reason. And maybe it does. But they never say it's a satisfying reason.



My mood always fades in autumn. A complete sadness, but utter happiness as well.

____________________________________________________________________

I wanna know what it is. What it is that keeps us all going. And what makes some of us stop.
How friendships end over honesty instead of lies.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I suppose you could say I've grown in the past few months. The only way I could say that would make some sense. But in the end I did more than grow, I became more of who I want to be.