You Are Not Alone.

I had never understood the feeling of being alone. Or just sitting and thinking that you weren't good enough. I thought it was silly, saying to myself "The God of the universe loves me, I AM good enough!" But in the past few months I have felt nothing but disappointment in myself. I would sit around thinking that I was simply not good enough. The guy I had fallen in love with and given so much of my life to, had left. And I was alone, wondering why I had stopped being what he wanted. It completely destroyed my self esteem, so when he came back, I welcomed him with open arms, hoping my self esteem would go back to where it had always been. But it didn't. Instead, it steadily dropped more and more every day. I felt like I had to prove to him that he had made a good decision in coming back to me. So I started working out manically. Weighing myself on the scale every day hoping that I was becoming pretty. And now I can't stop. I check every day, and it hasn't changed. I work out every night, even though he's gone again, and my efforts to be good enough for him never worked. And even though I know that I'm good enough and that God loves me just as I am, I get scared that the next guy, even though it'll be years from now, will do the same thing. So, I work out every night, and I weigh myself every morning, and step off the scale disappointed, wondering how I'll ever be good enough for someone else, if I'm not good enough for myself.

I'm so sick of hoping that someone will tell me that I'm beautiful. There's no point, because I can't believe them until I believe myself. I feel so hypocritical telling all these girls how beautiful they are, and how they're loved, when I feel the same way they do.

It's not even just looking in the mirror and not feeling good enough. It's everything I've done that's strapped to my back. God's taken it all away, my shame and my guilt, but I always go back to it. I'm afraid everyone else has judged me on what I've done, only because I judge myself on it.

I want to believe that God loves me, and that He thinks I'm beautiful and incredible, and everything else that I hear all the time, but I can't when I judge myself so harshly.

In the Bible it says to love God, and to love people, and then love yourself. In that order.
I like to think I've got the first two down, but the third is the hardest.
I know all of the truths of God, I know that He is Lord, and He is good. I know it all, but I don't feel it most of the time. And that makes me feel like I don't know God at all. I'm blocking out God's truths with my own lies. These lies that I have produced and concocted on my own. Taking other people's remarks of me and opinions, and turning them into my own.

I want to be happy with myself again.

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. " - Genesis 1:27

Beauty is inner, not to be thinner.

It is so so sad to see so many girls struggling with anorexia, or bulimia, or even just binge eating, because they're unhappy with their bodies, or themselves in general.
To look in the mirror, and say "I am so ugly." "No one would ever want me" "Maybe if I lose a few more pounds." But how many pounds lost is enough? If you have never been happy with yourself, how will you ever know when you are?

Sure, I don't always look in the mirror and say "Gee, you're a ten."
It's normal to not be completely content with yourself. To pick out little things you wish you could change. But, being content with yourself overall, is such a far fetched idea nowadays.

So many girls rely on people telling them that they're beautiful. They just wanna hear " you are so pretty." "That outfit looks amazing on you." " You are the most gorgeous girl I have ever met." And yes, we all love flattery, but when you need to hear those things so often just to feel better, and you don't believe them, then that's when the problem arises.

The media. I know, I know, it's been talked about before. Many times in fact. But if it's been talked about so many times, why hasn't it changed? You hear all the time about actresses needing to lose weight to be in a movie. Why? Why do they need to lose weight? If they can play the role to a tee, why does dropping fifteen pounds matter?
Why do we need to edit girls in magazines to look skinnier, bustier, blonder?
They were chosen for the shoot, because they were thought to be beautiful. Not because they could be made to look beautiful. That's not fair.

Why is it okay to have other people judge what's beautiful?
Beauty wasn't supposed to be someone's outer appearance.
Inner beauty is, what beauty was.
The definition of beauty changes, almost constantly.
It used to be the more curves the better, being plump, being flat chested, and now it's being skinny.
And look what it's driven us to?
Eating disorders.
Something that is a daily task, became something deadly.
Young girls(and boys) are subjected to being told that they ARE NOT beautiful.
Teenage years are the most awkward, yes we know.
But did you also know that these are the years when most eating disorders begin?

We're in our awkward stages of growing up and finding ourselves.
Zits, weird body growth, etc. We start going through changes, and we're no longer who we used to be, who we were accustomed to.
These are also the harshest years. When taunting, and teasing becomes the worst.
You get picked on for the changes you're going through, that you have NO control over.
And then, of course, there's the media, making you feel worse and worse about yourself.

There are so many definitions of beauty right now.
And I can certainly tell you that I don't fit most of them.
Tall, bleach blonde? Nope, not me.
Not most people.

God created everyone differently. With all different shapes and sizes.
He created us all with different characteristics of HIM.
Not different features. No one has the eyes of God, or the height.
But we have the different personality traits.
Such as, being outgoing, or caring, considerate.
He created us in His image.
And he believes we're all beautiful.
We're all unique. Why would you want to look like everyone else, when you can look like you?
God, the king of the universe, the one who sent his son to die for us, thinks I'm beautiful.
ME. But not only me, you, and everyone.
When Jesus died on the cross, he saw everyone's face.
He saw mine, He was dying for me. He was dying for you.
He thought of, and loves, everyone.

These are the things I like to think about when I have a new zit on my face, or I can't fit into my favorite pair of skinny jeans anymore. That God thinks I'm beautiful. And if He thinks so, why should I care what other people think?

You are beautiful. And even if you don't stand up to everyone's definition of beautiful, don't let it get you down. Outer beauty doesn't stay forever. But inner beauty sure will :)






If you know someone with an eating disorder, or you yourself are struggling with one, please check out the links at the bottom of the page.


http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

http://www.something-fishy.org/

http://www.anad.org/

Or please call an eating disorder helpline. The one below is for New Hampshire residents.
If you do not live in NH, you can look up the number online, or contact me.

1-800-941-5313




Beauty comes in all different shapes and sizes.