mcdoubles, order for life?

Not moving to Candia.
WOOOO!
I'm gonna be living with my dad, Mel, and josh.
Things are gonna be better now.


I've mentioned before that it takes a lot to make me angry.
But, I'm starting to get closer and closer to spilling over.

Misinterpretations. Obviously something I love.
But to be totally honest, I'm getting a little sick of them.
My intentions are good.
Why does everyone doubt that?


I miss everyone who is in Buffalo.
Corey and Kenny, two of the people I depend on the most have been gone for less than a week and I'm already stressing.
Pathetic.


Definitely sitting in McDonalds while writing this.
At least creepy flirt guy isn't working right now.
"I think you just missed your dad."
Awesome, you shouldn't know who my dad is...




Frustration, pointless emotion.
Lost in transition.
What a seemingly false fact of living.

opinionated emotions, false accusations.

Moving to Candia May first. With all the hicks and potheads.
Joy.
I was supposed to have a meeting with my family tomorrow, to discuss living with my dad.
There's no way my mom will let that happen.

I can feel my solid ground turning to quicksand.

God. Help us, please.

Questioning authority? Maybe because you have none.


I saw the Passion of the Christ in its entirety for the first time yesterday.
I couldn't watch after the whipping.

make belief.

"You're right, I don't care."
For as long as I've known those words to be true, I don't think I've wanted to hear them.
I'm glad to know my thoughts haven't been make belief.
That I wasn't worsening our situation. Making it sound worse than it is.
Nope, it's just as bad as I say it is. If not worse.

Desperation... not a good thing.

I'm like wandering around...
Not in life, but more in my faith.
Definite wake up call though?
Having a dream about doing a message at Reckless.
And then waking up to find a text from Miranda saying I should do a message.
Now it's definitely on my heart, even more than it was before.
Jill and I talked about it, and the message I wanna do kinda revolves around Easter...
So if I end up doing it, I have less than a week...
WOOO.
If this is what God wants, it'll all work out :)

Last night was a definite sign of who my mom is now.
Scoffing at my sister as she sits on the ground and prays. Giving her dirty looks.
Saying that I don't take enough responsibility for Mel.
I wasn't aware that it was my job.
But, I'm trying so hard to protect her, and lead her in the right direction.
Be a parent to her? Since she's kind of lacking that in her life.
God, please help us, everythings getting so much tougher, I know you're there.
Working in the background, that this all has its purpose.
I know not to worry, you have it under control, but please, please, help us. Or at least Melly.

Why am I so unwanted?

No, Meg, you aren't unwanted.
You just feel so inadequate when you don't get the attention you deserve.
You feel unimportant if people don't pay attention to you.
Sure you're fun for a while, but then people get bored of you.
Your repetitive jokes, your sarcasm, your obnoxiousness.
You're too much.
This is why you get bored at parties after a while, and end up going home feeling depressed.
You like people who pay attention to you.
And when you don't get what you want, you go into a corner hoping someone will notice, that someone will care enough to see whats wrong.
Then they come over and ask you, and you say that you're fine.
You hope and pray that they'll pry, but no one ever cares enough to.
No one has ever cared about you as much as you'd like.
No one's ever cared.

It's like that gosh darn muffin this morning.
Everyone always loves the top of those muffins, it's always their favorite part.
They eat that part, and then don't want the rest.
The top makes it look so appetizing, so appealing.
It makes the muffin look good.
Everyone loves the top, they don't love the muffin enough to dig deeper, to eat the whole thing.

People love the outside layer of me.
They love that I'm always happy, always cheerful. I don't want that label anymore.
I don't want to be happy anymore. I'm dealing with so much and no one takes the time to ask about it, except for Corey Farr.
The only person in a long time, who makes me feel like he cares.
He pries, but not in a rude manner.

Why hasn't anyone cared since my grandpa died? Since then, till now.
I help everyone else, but no one cares about me enough to ask me how I'm doing, and to actually listen.


Even my closest friends, aren't that close.

I'm so closed off. I convince everyone into thinking I'm fine all the time.
I just wanted to let you know, that I'm not.


Is this me just craving attention again?

The dim reflection of that old dusky mirror, is that what I'd look like as a ghost?


A single flower growing in a sea of grass.
Sometimes that's what life feels like.
A loner, a beauty, but all alone.

A prick on a thorn bush, a single sharp pain, there and then gone.
A single drop of blood, there, and then gone.


So many thoughts in my head. Why is my brain functioning in such an observing way?
Noticing detail, coming up with beautiful words in my own head.
I didn't know I was capable.
Make it stop. I can't get them all out, and then I forget. Maybe it'd be better if they weren't there at all.

I can see my reflection in his eyes.
A boy once said to me that it reflects innocence, having a mirroring gloss on your eyes.
Does that mean that boy still has some innocence left in him?