Macaroni Art?

The breaking we feel is all to make us a beautiful mosaic. God takes our broken pieces and He doesn't glue them together, but He molds them. He makes us this incredible masterpiece that only He could create.

I find myself picking up the shattered pieces of my life from behind me, and instead of handing them to my Creator... I take my little bottle of Elmer's glue, and with an unstable hand, I try to mash my pieces back to the form they were before.

But that's the thing: I don't have the ability to do that. Only God does!
And when we break... it isn't to go back to the way we were before... It's to make us even better than before! Maybe it makes us stronger, or wiser, more inspired, or anything else, but every time... it draws us closer to God. If we let it.

The past few months, I've just about used up eight bottles of glue. In the past week, God has taken my sloppy arts and crafts, and turned it into a mosaic. He's got control, and my feeble attempts at art work will never compare to the masterpieces of my God.

You Are Not Alone.

I had never understood the feeling of being alone. Or just sitting and thinking that you weren't good enough. I thought it was silly, saying to myself "The God of the universe loves me, I AM good enough!" But in the past few months I have felt nothing but disappointment in myself. I would sit around thinking that I was simply not good enough. The guy I had fallen in love with and given so much of my life to, had left. And I was alone, wondering why I had stopped being what he wanted. It completely destroyed my self esteem, so when he came back, I welcomed him with open arms, hoping my self esteem would go back to where it had always been. But it didn't. Instead, it steadily dropped more and more every day. I felt like I had to prove to him that he had made a good decision in coming back to me. So I started working out manically. Weighing myself on the scale every day hoping that I was becoming pretty. And now I can't stop. I check every day, and it hasn't changed. I work out every night, even though he's gone again, and my efforts to be good enough for him never worked. And even though I know that I'm good enough and that God loves me just as I am, I get scared that the next guy, even though it'll be years from now, will do the same thing. So, I work out every night, and I weigh myself every morning, and step off the scale disappointed, wondering how I'll ever be good enough for someone else, if I'm not good enough for myself.

I'm so sick of hoping that someone will tell me that I'm beautiful. There's no point, because I can't believe them until I believe myself. I feel so hypocritical telling all these girls how beautiful they are, and how they're loved, when I feel the same way they do.

It's not even just looking in the mirror and not feeling good enough. It's everything I've done that's strapped to my back. God's taken it all away, my shame and my guilt, but I always go back to it. I'm afraid everyone else has judged me on what I've done, only because I judge myself on it.

I want to believe that God loves me, and that He thinks I'm beautiful and incredible, and everything else that I hear all the time, but I can't when I judge myself so harshly.

In the Bible it says to love God, and to love people, and then love yourself. In that order.
I like to think I've got the first two down, but the third is the hardest.
I know all of the truths of God, I know that He is Lord, and He is good. I know it all, but I don't feel it most of the time. And that makes me feel like I don't know God at all. I'm blocking out God's truths with my own lies. These lies that I have produced and concocted on my own. Taking other people's remarks of me and opinions, and turning them into my own.

I want to be happy with myself again.

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. " - Genesis 1:27

I don't like the sound of my name in other people's mouths.
But it feels safe in yours.

I haven't written anything on here for a very long time. There has been so much change, and much more boredom.
I'll write more when I'm not half asleep, and don't have to get up for work in the morning.

Usually I start these with a lot of random garbage that no one really wants to read. So, I'm just gonna skip all of that.

TOP TEN MOST INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE THIS YEAR:
1. Jesus. Predictable? Probably, but I learn more and more from Him every day.
2. Melody. She's my best friend, hands down, no matter what. I don't care if we're living in the same house or living 5845934953 miles away. She's my best friend, and nothing changes that.
3. Kenny. Hey there mister, you're awfully high up on my list once again... I love him... Still...
4. Corey! He's great. He makes me laugh, he makes me think, he makes me smile, and sometimes he makes me frown. But basically, I adore him XD
5. Josh. I met him this year, and he quickly became pretty close to me.
6. Alex. He always seems to pop up when I need him.
7. Lauren. The best.
8. JULIE! I love her, she is so stinking funny and she's just great.
9. Cam. Sometimes I think our friendship causes more drama than it's worth. But I love him, and we seem to get through it.
10. Mrs. Fulford. She always listens to me. Even when I have nothing to say.

TOP TEN BEST FRIENDS THIS YEAR:
1. Kenny.
2. Lauren.
3. Melly.
4. Julie.
5. Corey.
6. Josh.
7. Nastassja XD
8. Timmy!
9. Bri.
10. Cam.

TOP TEN MOST LISTENED TO SONGS:
1. ugh... teenage dream... I was obsessed for like two weeks o.O
2. Forget you by Cee Lo Green
3. Beautiful things by Gungor
4. Saeglopur by Sigur Ros
5. Anything by Minus the Bear
6. This is the thing by Fink
7. Collide by Howie Day
8. The song by The boy ;)
9. Little Lion Man by Mumford & Sons
10. Wrapped in Your Arms by Fireflight

GOALS FOR THIS SUMMER:
1.Reckless camp <3
2. Buffalo?
3. Maine with Julie!
4. Get a tan... for real.
5. Actually accomplish the things on this list since I only did one from last year...
6. Fix things.
7. Get a job
8. Plan a get together with my whole class.
9. I wanna learn how to swim without holding my nose...bahahha.
10. uphold the welling.

Jeez how much things change in a year. I can't even handle it. New school, new friends, old school, old friends, living with a different parent. It didn't even seem that different going in...

Lisa Mitchell - Incomplete Lullaby

Mere words cannot express...


I don't want you to know that I miss you, but it's so hard to stop myself from shouting it at you. To stop myself from jumping around, with flailing arms, screaming "please just come back!". To stop myself from looking into your eyes, and gently whispering "I miss you." To stop myself from absently stating it in the middle of conversation. It's so hard to stop myself from feeling it.

Oh, won't you dance with me once more?

Bring it back to that day in my study. We'll dance to Alexi Murdoch, and pretend the past five months didn't exist.

Forget that our lips have met any one elses besides each others. We'll dance like we'll be together forever, and always have been. I'll erase the cruel words from my memory, and remove the malice from my heart. I'll burn the images embedded in my brain of you and her.

I'll keep that shoe box, and your guitar pick in my pocket. We'll smile at each other again in passing. We'll work our way up.

But I just have one request, won't you dance with me once more?

Ellipses and question marks have become the punctuation of our conversations, when it used to be commas and exclamation points.