I had never understood the feeling of being alone. Or just sitting and thinking that you weren't good enough. I thought it was silly, saying to myself "The God of the universe loves me, I AM good enough!" But in the past few months I have felt nothing but disappointment in myself. I would sit around thinking that I was simply not good enough. The guy I had fallen in love with and given so much of my life to, had left. And I was alone, wondering why I had stopped being what he wanted. It completely destroyed my self esteem, so when he came back, I welcomed him with open arms, hoping my self esteem would go back to where it had always been. But it didn't. Instead, it steadily dropped more and more every day. I felt like I had to prove to him that he had made a good decision in coming back to me. So I started working out manically. Weighing myself on the scale every day hoping that I was becoming pretty. And now I can't stop. I check every day, and it hasn't changed. I work out every night, even though he's gone again, and my efforts to be good enough for him never worked. And even though I know that I'm good enough and that God loves me just as I am, I get scared that the next guy, even though it'll be years from now, will do the same thing. So, I work out every night, and I weigh myself every morning, and step off the scale disappointed, wondering how I'll ever be good enough for someone else, if I'm not good enough for myself.
I'm so sick of hoping that someone will tell me that I'm beautiful. There's no point, because I can't believe them until I believe myself. I feel so hypocritical telling all these girls how beautiful they are, and how they're loved, when I feel the same way they do.
It's not even just looking in the mirror and not feeling good enough. It's everything I've done that's strapped to my back. God's taken it all away, my shame and my guilt, but I always go back to it. I'm afraid everyone else has judged me on what I've done, only because I judge myself on it.
I want to believe that God loves me, and that He thinks I'm beautiful and incredible, and everything else that I hear all the time, but I can't when I judge myself so harshly.
In the Bible it says to love God, and to love people, and then love yourself. In that order.
I like to think I've got the first two down, but the third is the hardest.
I know all of the truths of God, I know that He is Lord, and He is good. I know it all, but I don't feel it most of the time. And that makes me feel like I don't know God at all. I'm blocking out God's truths with my own lies. These lies that I have produced and concocted on my own. Taking other people's remarks of me and opinions, and turning them into my own.
I want to be happy with myself again.
"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. " - Genesis 1:27
1 comment:
Forgive the Buddhist passage, but it applies very well to what you are describing. In your Christian terms, this Sutta explains the connection between loving God, loving others, and loving one’s self. You should already understand most of it, since I know you love god and others so well. loving others is unconditional and is unaided or faltered by others.
Now apply this to yourself. This is also true for you. When trying to love one's self, you can't hold yourself to a higher standard than you hold others, and you can't listen to other people speaking, belittling or insulting you in your own mind. They are not you, and love comes from within, not from others acceptance. In fact acceptance is not part of the vocab of love, as it implies a standard one must meet before love is allowed. Love is unconditional and all accepting.
Samadhi Sutta: (Immeasurable) Concentration
"wise & mindful, you should develop immeasurable concentration. [ie, concentration based on immeasurable good will, compassion, appreciation, or equanimity] When, wise & mindful, one has developed immeasurable concentration, five realizations arise right within oneself. Which five?
"The realization arises right within oneself that 'this concentration is blissful in the present and will result in bliss in the future.'
"The realization arises right within oneself that 'this concentration is not obtained by base people.'
"The realization arises right within oneself that 'this concentration is peaceful, exquisite, the acquiring of serenity, the attainment of unity, not kept in place by the fabrications of forceful restraint.'
"The realization arises right within oneself that 'I enter into this concentration mindfully, and mindfully I emerge from it.'
"Wise & mindful, you should develop immeasurable concentration. When, wise & mindful, one has developed immeasurable concentration, these five realizations arise right within oneself."
You can try to love others before you love yourself, but love is a personal thing. It comes from within. The thoughts of imperfection in your mind are not from within; they are the noise of other people. Learn to listen to yourself, not the other people in your mind, and you will love yourself
Loving yourself will also fix all of the extra baggage of regret and shame. It worked for me. I wish you luck in reaching the same goal through your christian roots and I hope this Buddhist point of view is helpful in some way.
NJC
ps.
Just a bet:
Buddhism has it "backwards" in terms of loving yourself before loving others and since I am Buddhist I think that when you learn to love yourself you will learn to love others much more than you ever imagined before.
Also:
The Suttas tell me what everything is, and Buddhism is simply discovering it all to be true from within. This logic, though derived from my Buddhist beliefs, may be applicable to your situation.You love others based on what He says you should.
God is right, but you must understand why; that comes from within. Your love of Him could possibly be filling in the gap for your love for yourself and you may be forgetting to let yourself understand the word of God, rather than living by the word of God. Faith is the fact that you can take all of your life trying to understand the word of God, while living by it and teaching others it. Therefore I am not suggesting that your love of others is not true.
also, a lot of this is based on a couple of your writings, so if I'm completely off you will be having quite the laugh you usually do when I try to help you.
:P
But somehow whenever I try to help you I grow spiritually, as is definitely the case tonight, so I don't mind giving you something to laugh at
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