caught up in just this way I know that you can be more than this

I had forgotten how nice it is to just sit and pray for an extended period of time.
I missed it so incredibly. I don't even want to stop.
As I sit here writing this, I'm thinking about how I wish I was still spending time with God.
This is a weird feeling, that I am really enjoying.
It was so nice to just sit in my closet talking about everything that's happened in the past few months. About how hard headed I am. How it takes so many tries before God is able to reach me.
I talked about every sin recently. Every mess up, every mistake. I talked about how stupid I feel for chasing after something I thought would make me happy, that distracted me from God, and in the end really only caused pain.

Usually, I probably would have cried over him.
Today, I cried over my broken relationship with God.
It wasn't about anything but that.
It was all about how much I missed my God, and how I didn't understand why I've wasted so much time on so many things that will never be as fulfilling as God, especially when I know that to be true.

This is a fantastic feeling.

I don't really like saying amen at the end of prayers.
It feels too blunt and short.
Who am I to just cut off a conversation with God?
I try to say I love you right before I say amen, too.
Though even the combination of the two still feels too sudden.
It's like a phone call... Where you do all the talking, and then just say bye and hang up. You don't wait for a response, you just hang up when you're done confessing your sins, or saying how great our God is. I say I want to hear Him, and then I hang up on Him.

I haven't heard God in so long, because I haven't been listening.
I cut Him off, with everything I think I need to say.

It's been a long time, since I've just sat down and talked with God.
Maybe that's why not much is going very well right now. But to be honest, I already feel better.
Like He lifted a huge burden off my shoulders.
A burden I shouldn't have been trying to carry alone anyway.

"You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Hebrews 10:36
And I thought God wasn't speaking to me anymore ;)

It's gonna be okay, you know? God is proud when I do the right thing, and get through all the crap thrown at me.
I feel much better.