caught up in just this way I know that you can be more than this

I had forgotten how nice it is to just sit and pray for an extended period of time.
I missed it so incredibly. I don't even want to stop.
As I sit here writing this, I'm thinking about how I wish I was still spending time with God.
This is a weird feeling, that I am really enjoying.
It was so nice to just sit in my closet talking about everything that's happened in the past few months. About how hard headed I am. How it takes so many tries before God is able to reach me.
I talked about every sin recently. Every mess up, every mistake. I talked about how stupid I feel for chasing after something I thought would make me happy, that distracted me from God, and in the end really only caused pain.

Usually, I probably would have cried over him.
Today, I cried over my broken relationship with God.
It wasn't about anything but that.
It was all about how much I missed my God, and how I didn't understand why I've wasted so much time on so many things that will never be as fulfilling as God, especially when I know that to be true.

This is a fantastic feeling.

I don't really like saying amen at the end of prayers.
It feels too blunt and short.
Who am I to just cut off a conversation with God?
I try to say I love you right before I say amen, too.
Though even the combination of the two still feels too sudden.
It's like a phone call... Where you do all the talking, and then just say bye and hang up. You don't wait for a response, you just hang up when you're done confessing your sins, or saying how great our God is. I say I want to hear Him, and then I hang up on Him.

I haven't heard God in so long, because I haven't been listening.
I cut Him off, with everything I think I need to say.

It's been a long time, since I've just sat down and talked with God.
Maybe that's why not much is going very well right now. But to be honest, I already feel better.
Like He lifted a huge burden off my shoulders.
A burden I shouldn't have been trying to carry alone anyway.

"You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Hebrews 10:36
And I thought God wasn't speaking to me anymore ;)

It's gonna be okay, you know? God is proud when I do the right thing, and get through all the crap thrown at me.
I feel much better.

The last thing on her mind was growing up

I can't live with myself. So stay with me tonight.

I thought, maybe things would change.
In not one situation, but many.
I guess it's true when they say, people don't change.
It's true, they don't change... They just get better at hiding their flaws.
Not for long though.


I don't know how much more of this I can take.
I'm about ready to give up the one thing I want more than anything(Besides my Jesus), because of you.

For that, I don't know if I could forgive you.

I hate that I'm an otter lion personality.
I hate that I'm so unorganized, conceited, loud.
But mostly, I hate that I have the desire to be a leader.
I mean, I suck.
In so many ways it'd take forever to list them all.
(that's usually a joke I say to Kenny when he asks what's wrong with me, but right now, it's not really a joke).
I have to be the stupid strong one all the time, and all these people look up to me, and I hate it.
If you really knew me.


He and I react to things in very much the same way.
We feel hurt, and worthless, but we will still make sure everyone around us is happy first.
Though, we will show you that you hurt us.
Only, if we want you to know.
If you really knew me.

It was nice, you know, having someone love you. Someone who showed it, someone who really cared.
Someone, who wasn't so caught up in themselves, they stopped to help others.
I don't think I know anyone as caring, and giving as he.
He'd give you the world to make you smile, just once, even it's for just a second.
I wish, I was good enough.

"A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell."

This is by far my favorite C.S. Lewis quote.
In a world where we're surrounded by atheists who claim we as Christians, shove our beliefs on everyone around us.
I won't deny, that when I care for someone, I will try to express God to them. But there is no shoving it down their throats.
How many times have I been called a closed off bigot?
I couldn't count the amount on my hands and toes combined.
It's funny because as they're calling me this, they're sitting there, explaining to me why my beliefs are wrong, and how they are most certainly correct.
With no word in edge wise, I listen. The moment I try to say why I think differently, it's back to how I'm shoving the Bible in their face.

These are the same people who shun you for not liking the same video games as they do.
Or maybe, for disliking their favorite band.
We live in a world full of people who stand ready to tell us why we're wrong in a matter of seconds.
A world where if we think differently, we're considered weird, and bigotedly only interested in our own beliefs.

The next blog I post, will be number 300.
I think that's why I've been putting off posting as much as possible.
I don't especially like the idea that I'll have been writing this for three years on new year's eve.
How can you write three hundred blogs, but see a dramatic decrease in the value of your writing?

I'm really not feeling up to par lately.
It's not even just being sick.
I just feel very... indifferent
Very... melancholy?
ha.
I'd go into it more, but I don't think anyone really cares.

This story is kind of stupid.
Here's your heads up.

The day I was supposed to go talk to that lady of the state, I was terrified.
I went for a walk, praying that I'd get hit with a car or something.
Anything that would make it so I wouldn't have to go to that meeting.
I walked to derryfield, and ran into Joe and Alec.
We talked and hung out in the field for a while, climbing trees and made fun of each other.
Then, Joe got really excited, he found a toy car on the ground.
And then, he threw it at me.
I got hit by a car.
Can I just say that God's sense of humor sometimes, is really really lame? :P
See... He answers prayers.
I still had to go to the meeting, but I laughed for a very long time, which made me feel better.
I don't know why, but I thought I'd share that story.

Do you believe in magic?

In a young girl's heart.
How the music can free her whenever it starts.

I like having Senora Therrien's respect.

This wasn't God's timing.
Our original plan was to wait a few years, and then we messed up, and decided to date.
Now God is showing us, that we didn't do a very good job listening to Him.
So now, we wait.


It's a fun little game, the waiting game.
It's certainly not my favorite, but when you win, it's the best of all :P

This is God's will.
Who am I to be upset about it?