its the way you say my name.

"and with that, she slammed the door in my face. But I wonder if it was in more ways than one."

This house is not a home. And the ways of it say it never will be.

It's almost like we all live in the jungle. Eating each other alive, to survive. Only, we feed off of happiness. Taking it away from each other, supplying ourselves with it instead. I just sit and watch. A bystander at most. Sit in my room and do nothing, until I'm disturbed. Until someone decides to suck away my happiness too.

I think I'll die the day I find how to ignore it all. A secret too great to be known for too long.

I think my heart missed a beat. Your words made my stomach flutter. Soon to be followed by a tightening feeling. Am I falling out, just as I fell in?

you're too far gone.

"I looked away, then I looked back at you. You tried to say the things that you can't undo, If I had my way I'd never get over you."

You were my everything. You went to just being something. I'm debating on whether you should be anything. You could be nothing. You could always be something. You'll never be everything again.

Your deep chocolate eyes are always there to confuse me. Lack of emotion it seems, over emotional all the same. Your eyes are what scare me the most about you. And always have. The fact that I can't tell what you're thinking through them. You're a mystery, one that I no longer have a desire to solve.

So, this might end up okay. Or could take a turn for the worst. I'll just have to wait and see. But will I have the patience...?

up, down, left, right.

It was a sense of control that probably shouldn't be given to me. I would never trust someone like me with any responsibility.

"you are strong. I can't say much else about you."
No. I'm a liar, and that's all I'll ever be. I've dug so far down, there's no way out anymore. Except for that one, but I couldn't do it. I'd fall so far. Farther than I've ever been. And to be honest, I don't know what would pull me out anymore.

"And I love that about you."
What do I say to you now? I haven't felt that way in ages. And now, you do? I don't know if I can retrieve the feelings from a year ago. I don't know if I want to.

But then, then there's you. The answer to my possible prayers. The ones I pray for, but don't expect to recieve. Does that make any sense? You're just, everything. There's no other way to describe you, really.

He's here. He sits on my couch like its his. Goes through the fridge like its his food. Talks to me like I should respect him. And I don't. I hope I never do. He tries to start conversation, but doesn't listen. He started to date my mom before they were divorced. And he expects me to respect him. I promise, that is the one thing I will never do.

scuffling through the leaves.

its that moment when you first walk outside. When you no longer smell the after time of a downpour, but instead your senses are filled with the signs of autumn.

I couldn't tell what it is about you. Just seeing you makes me smile. It's like every thing stops the moment I see you. Even in the crowded hallways, there's only you.


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I wish I could say that everything happens for a reason. And maybe it does. But they never say it's a satisfying reason.



My mood always fades in autumn. A complete sadness, but utter happiness as well.

____________________________________________________________________

I wanna know what it is. What it is that keeps us all going. And what makes some of us stop.
How friendships end over honesty instead of lies.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I suppose you could say I've grown in the past few months. The only way I could say that would make some sense. But in the end I did more than grow, I became more of who I want to be.

Put your feet in the sand.

I stood on the shore line, watching all the waves blend in together. Hearing the swish swoosh of the waves breaking. The drip drop of the rain falling all around me. Seeing only the outline of my friends a few yards away. The darkness closing in all around me. I stood on the shore line, and I remembered. I remembered all the things you did to help me, immediately followed by all the things you did to hurt me. You've always been okay with hurting me, as long as I learned something from it. But I've decided that I'm through with this. I am one of those people who has a lot to deal with on a daily basis. I do not need you adding to that. Sure, you were always the person I could turn to when I was hurt, but who am I supposed to turn to when you cause the pain? You tell me I should like who I am, but then you're standing there, telling me all the things I need to fix. You shouldn't care what people think, you aren't the same anymore, and etc.
The last thing I need is someone telling me who I need to be. I like who I am now. And I think I'll like myself even better, when there's no one standing there telling me who I should be.
You can call, or whatever, I guarantee nothing. I'm gonna learn to be dependent on myself only. Because when you depend on someone else, no matter how many times they promise they won't, they always leave.

"They always end up leaving, always."
"I will never leave you, I promise."
As much as I wanted to believe you, I couldn't. And now I can see why.

So this is where I say goodbye. This is the part where I walk away from the shore line, and never look back.

never lose sight.

I've come to the conclusion, that way too many people assume.
Find some facts first, then make your assumptions. There really is no point in going off on a limb.

My whole body is peeling, and its really gross. So is the fact that I have a massive amount of new freckles.

I love band camp. Well, to an extent anyways. I like playing and marching. But I hate sunburns and I hate being overworked.

Summer is almost over. But in a way, I am so completely happy about this. Maybe no more drama, no more dependency, and maybe I can make this my year.
I have a list of goals. But I'm not putting them on here. Some of them are kind of stupid.
And besides, I already have them hanging up in my room.
They're mostly basic, like doing well in school, making good friends, not losing sight, and things like that.

Bego keeps yelling at me for not blogging :D
So here.
This is a blog.
And now its over.