make belief.

"You're right, I don't care."
For as long as I've known those words to be true, I don't think I've wanted to hear them.
I'm glad to know my thoughts haven't been make belief.
That I wasn't worsening our situation. Making it sound worse than it is.
Nope, it's just as bad as I say it is. If not worse.

Desperation... not a good thing.

I'm like wandering around...
Not in life, but more in my faith.
Definite wake up call though?
Having a dream about doing a message at Reckless.
And then waking up to find a text from Miranda saying I should do a message.
Now it's definitely on my heart, even more than it was before.
Jill and I talked about it, and the message I wanna do kinda revolves around Easter...
So if I end up doing it, I have less than a week...
WOOO.
If this is what God wants, it'll all work out :)

Last night was a definite sign of who my mom is now.
Scoffing at my sister as she sits on the ground and prays. Giving her dirty looks.
Saying that I don't take enough responsibility for Mel.
I wasn't aware that it was my job.
But, I'm trying so hard to protect her, and lead her in the right direction.
Be a parent to her? Since she's kind of lacking that in her life.
God, please help us, everythings getting so much tougher, I know you're there.
Working in the background, that this all has its purpose.
I know not to worry, you have it under control, but please, please, help us. Or at least Melly.

Why am I so unwanted?

No, Meg, you aren't unwanted.
You just feel so inadequate when you don't get the attention you deserve.
You feel unimportant if people don't pay attention to you.
Sure you're fun for a while, but then people get bored of you.
Your repetitive jokes, your sarcasm, your obnoxiousness.
You're too much.
This is why you get bored at parties after a while, and end up going home feeling depressed.
You like people who pay attention to you.
And when you don't get what you want, you go into a corner hoping someone will notice, that someone will care enough to see whats wrong.
Then they come over and ask you, and you say that you're fine.
You hope and pray that they'll pry, but no one ever cares enough to.
No one has ever cared about you as much as you'd like.
No one's ever cared.

It's like that gosh darn muffin this morning.
Everyone always loves the top of those muffins, it's always their favorite part.
They eat that part, and then don't want the rest.
The top makes it look so appetizing, so appealing.
It makes the muffin look good.
Everyone loves the top, they don't love the muffin enough to dig deeper, to eat the whole thing.

People love the outside layer of me.
They love that I'm always happy, always cheerful. I don't want that label anymore.
I don't want to be happy anymore. I'm dealing with so much and no one takes the time to ask about it, except for Corey Farr.
The only person in a long time, who makes me feel like he cares.
He pries, but not in a rude manner.

Why hasn't anyone cared since my grandpa died? Since then, till now.
I help everyone else, but no one cares about me enough to ask me how I'm doing, and to actually listen.


Even my closest friends, aren't that close.

I'm so closed off. I convince everyone into thinking I'm fine all the time.
I just wanted to let you know, that I'm not.


Is this me just craving attention again?

The dim reflection of that old dusky mirror, is that what I'd look like as a ghost?


A single flower growing in a sea of grass.
Sometimes that's what life feels like.
A loner, a beauty, but all alone.

A prick on a thorn bush, a single sharp pain, there and then gone.
A single drop of blood, there, and then gone.


So many thoughts in my head. Why is my brain functioning in such an observing way?
Noticing detail, coming up with beautiful words in my own head.
I didn't know I was capable.
Make it stop. I can't get them all out, and then I forget. Maybe it'd be better if they weren't there at all.

I can see my reflection in his eyes.
A boy once said to me that it reflects innocence, having a mirroring gloss on your eyes.
Does that mean that boy still has some innocence left in him?

Do I just wear a sign that says everyone can blow up at me all the time?
I'm so sick of being here.
You know there's a mental problem with your family when the last person you'd ever expect hits you. When he's not the first. And definitely won't be the last.


Just the family scape goat.
Just the one everyone can take everything out on.
Completely in the background.


I don't want to be in the background anymore.

Uncomfortable by association.

So, today, just like every other day, my cat begs to go outside. I let him outside, and not even two minutes later, he's begging to come in. I let him in, and then he begs to go back out. And the cycle continues.

But today was different. Because today, I thought about how it's exactly like humans.
We want change, but when it happens, all we think about is how great things used to be. We beg for change, it happens, and we wish we could go back to our past.
Why do we do that? Why can't we just be happy in the present. Stop depending on the memories of the past, and the hopes of the future. Just live in the now. For the now.


Also, that was one of the most awkward situations I have ever been in.
Actually two in one day. Fantastic.

First one takes place with Stuart. Well of course.
It's been so long that I've hung out with him, I forgot how funny he is, loving and caring. We started talking about how his girlfriend is jealous of me. That she's jealous of how much Stu's Dad loves me. How Stuart and I used to hang out so much.
And I asked about this summer, and what exactly happened.
I said something that was probably mean. And he told me he loved me.
And that 'I always rag on him'.
Well, I'm sorry. What am I supposed to do when you tell me you love me, and you're dating someone? Someones who already dislikes me?
Someone who has to deal with so much because of you already?
Stuart, I'm the only one who ever tries to keep you in line.
Are you sure that's not why you love me?
Because I genuinely care about you, about your future, everything?
I swear Stuart, you mess up your whole life, because no ones there to stop you.


Awkward moment number two?
Dinner with my "family".
Brad doesn't talk the whole time. No one talks till I start.
Some frikken family this is.
Where was this "family" for the past three years?

the worst mistake you could make, is not learning from them.

"It doesn't feel like Friday. But I'm glad it is."


The signs of Spring surround me. Memories from past years come back. Some unfamiliar and distant, ones I wish I could remember better. And then the ones I wish I could just erase.

I'm going on a walk with Aura and TJ.
Fun stuff.



Also. I've still been listening to We Own the Sky by m83 over and over again.
I don't know why, but I absolutely love this song.
It makes me think of Spring.
Of good memories... but I don't know why.
I like sitting on my roof listening to it, while its blasting.
This is the way I wish I felt all the time.


Everything's falling apart. But that's normal nowadays.
Everything's falling apart. But I don't care anymore.
Everything's falling apart. But I'm not gonna be the one to hold it all together anymore.

I like this feeling.
Stay a while, won't you?

"I was listening to the rain. It's quite lyrical."

cross the bridge made of your soul.

I bought a guitar. A crappy one apparently. But I don't care.
I need to buy strings for it. And learn how to play it. This could be just what I've been waiting for.


We own the sky by M83 is amazing. I just discovered a band I'm in love with, all thanks to Zack Hanney :)

I'm so sick of feel horrible all the time.
It's great weather outside, I've been in better shape, but I can't do anything.
I just hurt. Everything hurts. Not extremely. But enough to hold me back.

I can't express my love for this song.
I have to go out with my dad.
I figured this blog would be good enough to hold you guys over for a little while.

Anyone have some duct tape to hold my life together?

Stupid stupid mistakes. Leading to worse and worse mistakes. All coming down to horrible consequences and regrets.
It was a stupid mistake.
I feel horrible. I feel guilty.
And now, I feel even worse.

When I feel bad, everyone feels the need to make it worse.
When I feel okay, it has to be taken down, too.


"If you ask God for forgiveness for it, it'll be okay Meg. You made a mistake. And you regret it. You're human, we all make mistakes"

It's just so frustrating that everyone can get away with stuff. MAJOR stuff.
And the moment I mess up once, everyone cracks down on me.
Makes me feel horrible.
I know its part of representing God.
I just want some slack sometimes.
We do all make mistakes.
I try harder not to.
But I still do.
I just want everyone to leave me alone once in a while.
I can feel guilty all by myself.
I don't need you to tell me to feel it.


I am so disappointed in myself.
What on earth was I doing? What on earth was I thinking?
I guess I'm just dealing with so much stuff, that I'm not. Or haven't.
I haven't been thinking.

I'm sorry. My life is falling to pieces.
I'll try to keep it all together for all of you.
Because apparently thats all that matters.
As long as I hold it all together for everyone else, it'll all be fine.
It doesn't matter what I'm struggling with. I have to keep it together for you guys.


I love Brian Tassey tremendously.
I love Michi Tassey a lot as well.
But mostly, I love Kenny. And I'm sorry I almost messed that up.