This doesn't even feel real anymore.
It's like a dream gone terribly wrong. We took a wrong turn somewhere...


"Look into your heart pretty baby,
is it aching with some nameless need?
Is there something wrong and you can't put your finger on it?"

When the other was upset, would we still just give them a half smile and a hug?

So, I wrote a blog asking people to give me their definitions of love.
I got a few people with feedback, and their ideas were all similar in some ways, but also very opposite.

I guess, in order to truly define it, you need to know which way the word is being used.
Like, if you're in love with someone, or your love for your sibling.
I was talking about the context of being in love.

Abby Desharnais(whom I love very much) said, "I feel like love is a deep care for another person. Love isn't an emotion you can really express in words. It's just something you can feel. It's the most intense emotion, and people throw it around like it's nothing. "

And Corey dearest says "Gosh. How do you describe a feeling? Love is accompanied by a bunch of emotions that I don't know if they've even been named. But love itself is a thing. And an action. Separate from and not constantly accompanied by those. But I guess, in the words of my great grandfather Russel-'you just know corey. You just know.' And I'd say his marriage was a pretty dang good example. So... I guess he's right. Also, look to God. He gave us marriage that we might have a small glimpse of His love for us and His self love. That we may be one as the trinity is one, in a never ending circle of giving and receiving perfect love and oneness. I can't really describe it."

One of the definitions in the dictionary is : sexual passion or desire.
Honestly, just because you have desire, doesn't mean your in love. This bothers me.

The greatest love story I've ever heard, is John three sixteen.
The gospels in their entirety.
I cannot think of a superior way to explain what love is.


It's simply indescribable.
There is a moment, where you just feel it. You can't explain it. You can only feel it. In the very center of your heart, it's this odd glowy feeling. It'll make you happy, and scared, eager, but cautious. You'll go crazy waiting to tell the person, you'll spend what seems like eternity wondering what their response will be, and the butterflies in your stomach will grow thousands of times worse, when they say they feel the same. The curiosity of the future will inhibit your mind. And the frightening thought of losing them will become more frequent.
You'll wonder why they love you, when you can't name every reason why you love them.
You won't even be able to describe what your love for them feels like.
Because,
it's simply indescribable.


I don't know what the point of this was.

It's simple reminders like the one tonight that help me remember we're gonna be okay.
I just need them every now and then...

"He says, son can you play me a memory? I'm not really sure how it goes. But it's sad and it's sweet, and I knew it complete, when I wore a younger man's clothes."

Let's go back to last year, in October.
Where we played horse(I won), and we told each other stories.
I talked about my dad, and how it made me the way I am.
You talked about your mom, and how it made you the way you are.
I didn't cry, and it was probably the only time I haven't when talking about that.
You gave me that half smile, stood up, and gave me a hug.
We were so simple then.
We knew each other barely. But I loved you even still.
I didn't need to know every little thing about you, or your reasoning behind everything.
I just loved you, what you said, your hugs, how you made me feel, and most importantly, your love for God.
We were so simple then.
But now, it's almost been a year. And half way through that, we had our first kiss, we "learned how to hold hands", we told each other everything, we talked about God's plan for our lives, both separately and together, we noticed each others habits, and our downfalls.
It's almost like we know each other too well.
I could probably point out a detail about you, no matter how random.
The slight space between your two front teeth.
The way you try to hide when you're upset, but if left alone, you'll come to me about it.
How you get sleepy if I play with your hair.
Random, tiny things that you only notice when you're around someone a lot.
When you really get to know them.
I still love you, even with your little flaws, and your sometimes major ones.
But I sometimes wonder what would have happened if we hadn't progressed as much as we have.
When the other was upset, would we still just give them a half smile and a hug?
Instead of a frown, and a hand squeeze. A "you'll make it through this".

I've never needed to hear those words, because I've always known them to be true.
All I want is that adorable half smile, and a comforting hug.
Honey, we've almost made it a year, let's not lose sight now.

Listen to Autumn

"When do
the steps
stop?
In this
midnight
staircase
of closed
eyes and
empty hands.
I feel
like I
have been
here for
ages"

I always thought heartbreak was a metaphor.

Well, I suppose there are worse things that could happen.
And I've probably gone through most of them before.
With God, I can conquer anything.
Everything.

Things aren't working right now.
And unless there's a change, it's not gonna get better.
We have to stop ignoring everything, and shoving it behind us.
That's not how this works.

And that night was just deja vu. And I'm praying that this won't fail the same way we thought it wouldn't before.
I've seen this attempted before. I've seen it fall apart.
I don't want that to happen this time.
We need to be careful, because I don't want this to be added to my list of "used to be's".


Also, I'm not a fan of Mrs. Stuart's newest English assignment.
"When I was five..."
It's not fun remembering back then.
I know I need to, in order to do this project.

We had to do a quick write.
When I was five; a list.
Now that I'm sixteen; another list.

Here, I'll show you.

When I was five:

• My mom used to make me wear ugly dresses to church.
• My favorite color was pink.
• I went to a small, lovely church.
• All of my siblings lived with me
• I had a family

Now that I'm sixteen:

• My mom doesn't even talk to me
• I hate pink, and my favorite color is orange
• I still go to a decently small church, but it's not the same as back then
• Only Mel and Josh live here now
• I still have family, but not a family

It was really hard to come up with things that weren't really depressing.
And even the stuff I came up with wasn't that uplifting.
How am I supposed to write about this stuff...?

The teachers know about my life, it's a small school, they know what I've gone through.
But they know through my dad's eyes.
Which is probably the worst perspective to go by, besides my mother's.

You know, I'm just kind of blabbing.
I haven't blogged in a while. I felt incomplete.

Also, I don't have anyone to talk to anymore.
Kenny and I aren't supposed to text as much.
Which is really hard to deal with, considering everything going on right now.
And I practically got rid of the person I talk to about everything.
Well, not got rid of, but I'm sure you know what I mean...
So, in the end, I'm left alone. Just like always.

And do not tell me I shut myself off, because the only reason I do, is because everyone leaves when I open up.
No one can handle my problems, which makes me wonder how I do.

He asks to come over for the day.
But I say honey, you don't wanna stay in this broken castle tonight.

My hip hurts.

Vent.

There are a few things I've noticed lately.
One of which being, my past few ex boyfriends have dated girls, who also have dyed their hair obnoxiously red, after me.
Weird.
Secondly, too many people, when finding out that I am no longer going to central, and in turn are going to a private CHRISTIAN school, start swearing at me.
You guys are doing a fabulous job of making me wanna go back to central.
Awesome job.

I got new cleats, which made me really happy at first.
But then I realized I have to break them in, which probably means, more blisters.
YES.

God has blessed Mel and me incredibly.
Some people from my old church are paying our tuition to go to Mount Zion.
That's over 14,000 dollars.
Unbelievable.
Considering we had absolutely no idea how long we'd be able to go there, or how we'd pay for it.
God is AMAZING.


And for all of you who think I'm dumb for wanting to go to this school, listen for a second, okay?
God wants me there(I don't care if you don't believe in Him). If He didn't, none of this stuff would be happening. It's all so amazing.
Second, I'd much rather be in a Christian environment.
Surrounded by people who encourage me in my faith, and understand what I'm talking about when I bring up something God's doing.
Thirdly, I LOVE the people there.
And of course, I love my friends at central, too. But, I don't have very many close friends there.
Fourthly, there are five other kids in my grade besides me. I love that, being in such a small class is amazing. Andddd, I now have a reason to actually work hard and succeed in school.
Basically, because I have to. People are paying A LOT of money for me to go there.
And how horrible would it be, if I didn't do my very best?
I would suck.
haha.

:D

Perfection cannot be achieved. Unless of course, you're Jesus.
Those seeking to reach perfection, wouldn't even know if they got there.
Everyone has a different idea of perfection.
So if we reached perfection in our own eyes, we could still be far off in others.
I don't even see the point haha.


Mount Zion is amazing.
So much more than I had even imagined.
It's true that soccer has destroyed my feet. But that'll go away eventually.
But, I actually do homework now?
Whoa.

I had a lot to say a few seconds ago. But I'm too exhausted to function.