people listen better when no words are said.

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

So why is it now?

The last thing on her mind was growing up

I can't live with myself. So stay with me tonight.

I thought, maybe things would change.
In not one situation, but many.
I guess it's true when they say, people don't change.
It's true, they don't change... They just get better at hiding their flaws.
Not for long though.


I don't know how much more of this I can take.
I'm about ready to give up the one thing I want more than anything(Besides my Jesus), because of you.

For that, I don't know if I could forgive you.

I hate that I'm an otter lion personality.
I hate that I'm so unorganized, conceited, loud.
But mostly, I hate that I have the desire to be a leader.
I mean, I suck.
In so many ways it'd take forever to list them all.
(that's usually a joke I say to Kenny when he asks what's wrong with me, but right now, it's not really a joke).
I have to be the stupid strong one all the time, and all these people look up to me, and I hate it.
If you really knew me.


He and I react to things in very much the same way.
We feel hurt, and worthless, but we will still make sure everyone around us is happy first.
Though, we will show you that you hurt us.
Only, if we want you to know.
If you really knew me.

It was nice, you know, having someone love you. Someone who showed it, someone who really cared.
Someone, who wasn't so caught up in themselves, they stopped to help others.
I don't think I know anyone as caring, and giving as he.
He'd give you the world to make you smile, just once, even it's for just a second.
I wish, I was good enough.

walls are gonna have holes tonight.

I'm sorry.




I feel kind of, full of failures at the moment.
It's okay, I'll fix it.

If I could save everyone around me, don't doubt for a second that I would.

why
is it
that
girls have such negative self images
why
is everyone
depressed
and a cutter

5:49pm
why are you talking that way

5:50pm
or bulimic
or anorexic
self critical
druggies
I
don't
get it
and I'm
talking like this
because
I
want to

5:51pm
I think people get down
because they don't know how to move on
or they don't want to
if something bad happened in their life

5:51pm
yeah
but its not even that
its
how we treat each other
everyone is so mean
to everyone else
with back handed comments
and they don't understand the constant sting

It's comments like "you're eating again?"
"Are you sure you want seconds?"
"Could you just listen for once?"

When there's nowhere else to turn
All your bridges have been burned
Feels like you've hit rock bottom
Don't give up it's not the end
Open up your heart again
When you feel like no one
Understands where you are

Someone loves you even when you don't think so don't you know you got
Me and Jesus by your side through the fight you will never be alone on your own you got me and Jesus

After all that we've been through
Be now you know I've doubted too
But every time my head was in my
Hands you said to me
Hold on to what we got
This is worth any cost so
Make the most of life
That's borrowed
Love like there's no tomorrow

I
want
God
to
help
me
save
people


I can crash and burn, I don't care.
If I'm helping people around me, that's all that matters.

This wouldn't be so hard if you could stop thinking about yourself for two seconds.
I can't stand how you've always needed all the attention.
That stupid paper in English makes me feel like crap.
But I don't know how to write anything happy.

Okay, so I might have set that up.
But only because you scare me.

I made a tumblr.
I'm keeping it to myself.

"There's gonna be some changes."
Does one of those include you not being a tool anymore?

Would it be alright, if we pretended to be in love for a night?

I very well might punch someone in the face.

I'm not even pissed right now.
I'm broken hearted.
I do everything to protect you.
I tell you everything, and trust you with even more than that.
But then you turn it around and throw it in my face.
I don't even know what to do.

"A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell."

This is by far my favorite C.S. Lewis quote.
In a world where we're surrounded by atheists who claim we as Christians, shove our beliefs on everyone around us.
I won't deny, that when I care for someone, I will try to express God to them. But there is no shoving it down their throats.
How many times have I been called a closed off bigot?
I couldn't count the amount on my hands and toes combined.
It's funny because as they're calling me this, they're sitting there, explaining to me why my beliefs are wrong, and how they are most certainly correct.
With no word in edge wise, I listen. The moment I try to say why I think differently, it's back to how I'm shoving the Bible in their face.

These are the same people who shun you for not liking the same video games as they do.
Or maybe, for disliking their favorite band.
We live in a world full of people who stand ready to tell us why we're wrong in a matter of seconds.
A world where if we think differently, we're considered weird, and bigotedly only interested in our own beliefs.

The next blog I post, will be number 300.
I think that's why I've been putting off posting as much as possible.
I don't especially like the idea that I'll have been writing this for three years on new year's eve.
How can you write three hundred blogs, but see a dramatic decrease in the value of your writing?

I'm really not feeling up to par lately.
It's not even just being sick.
I just feel very... indifferent
Very... melancholy?
ha.
I'd go into it more, but I don't think anyone really cares.

This story is kind of stupid.
Here's your heads up.

The day I was supposed to go talk to that lady of the state, I was terrified.
I went for a walk, praying that I'd get hit with a car or something.
Anything that would make it so I wouldn't have to go to that meeting.
I walked to derryfield, and ran into Joe and Alec.
We talked and hung out in the field for a while, climbing trees and made fun of each other.
Then, Joe got really excited, he found a toy car on the ground.
And then, he threw it at me.
I got hit by a car.
Can I just say that God's sense of humor sometimes, is really really lame? :P
See... He answers prayers.
I still had to go to the meeting, but I laughed for a very long time, which made me feel better.
I don't know why, but I thought I'd share that story.

I thought maybe things would change.
But I'm back in the place, where no one believes a thing I say, and I do everything wrong.
Maybe my mom was right in saying I can't be trusted, that I'm not worth the time, and that I lie about everything.

I wouldn't be surprised if everything I blame myself for is actually true.

I'd just like to say though, that I love Senora Laura Therrien.

Finally someone who listens, and is actually taking the steps to help.

I can't thank God enough for people like you.

Do you believe in magic?

In a young girl's heart.
How the music can free her whenever it starts.

I like having Senora Therrien's respect.

This wasn't God's timing.
Our original plan was to wait a few years, and then we messed up, and decided to date.
Now God is showing us, that we didn't do a very good job listening to Him.
So now, we wait.


It's a fun little game, the waiting game.
It's certainly not my favorite, but when you win, it's the best of all :P

And you don't wanna keep me waiting, staring at my fingers, feeling like a fool.

I've been writing so much lately.

It's not even stuff about me.

It doesn't describe how I feel, or me.

I think they're gonna become songs.

Maybe Kenny will sing 'em, since he always wanted me to write songs for him to sing.

I was in a rut then, though.

I guess there's a bright side.

Today was better than the past two.

Things are gonna be okay.

With the words "You're above anything thrown my way", I'm moving on and feeling better than ever.

Spending more time with God than usual, and just feeling more confident overall.

It's gonna be okay :)