"But I need you to love me.

I won't keep my heart from you this time.

And I'll stop this pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have.

I need you to love me"- I need you to love me by Barlowgirl.

Ugh, these past two days have just not been worth it.

Bring my anger to God... I don't know how to do that without directing it at Him. And that's not something I want to do.

Today blew up in my face, really badly. And there was absolutely no way to fix it so everyone was happy.

Well, they ended up okay, but you know, I have feelings too.

If they could stop being trampled all over and then blatantly ignored, that would be awesome.

I'm not dealing with this anymore.

I am not dealing with people taking advantage of the way I am.

It's not fair to me.

And you know, all I can really do right now is repent.

I just haven't been myself lately.

It's dumb. I don't know who I am right now.

So when you ask me to hang out, I'll just put on a sign saying "be back soon".

Cause, I'm hoping for it as much as you are.

"And the night is so long when everything's wrong."

"The day I see your father angry is... You know, I can't even imagine."
I didn't even know what to say to this lady. She and my dad love each other... that's the most obvious thing in the world. But neither of them will take a step towards the other.
My dad uses Mel and me as an excuse, one that she accepts. But I know, he loves her too much to scare her away with his problems.
I want my dad to be loved, to feel loved, but I don't know. This lady... I don't know if she could deal with all of his anger problems.

I really hate learning things that my mom has said or done.
For some reason I still try to hold her on a pedestal. As though the past few years never happened. Like we're okay now, and she's just on another one of her weekend trips... One that's lasting a bit longer than the rest.
Like she's gonna come back and try to win us over with a cheap gift all over again. Her attempts at trying to get us to respect her, when she gave the least amount of effort possible.
Kind of like when I know I could ace a test if I tried. But I don't study, and barely get by with a 65.
But you know, she wasn't even giving that much effort.

Everyone's anger issues around here is really starting to rub me the wrong way.
I don't know how much more of this I can take before I boil over.
Two years of holding it in...
This isn't gonna last much longer.

God, help?

I didn't even write about how frustrating this night has been.
Gah, I really don't know how to vent do I?

And the taste of sin hung on his lips.

I found him!haha.

Love, Love, Love this man haha. Thank you for the multiple people who texted me saying who he is. Rob Bell is the essence of amazing haha. They used to show these videos at MCC wayyyy back in the day.He is amazing. You can find the rest of this video on youtube, as well as many others. And there are plenty of sites that have him on it. So go!I've been listening to him all day.

I'm trying to find these videos that this guy with blonde spikey hair did.
He was a christian, and the videos were wicked awesome.
If only I could remember the name... I think it begins with an N. The series I mean.

family is forever, minus a few years or so.

It's the story of history, and how it'll always repeat.
The tale of the most beautiful person you know.
A novel of the life of a simple person, that somehow makes a difference.

Spending time with family that you haven't talked to in six months, and haven't really talked to in years is rather interesting. It involves a lot of stories. Figuring out the important, and leaving behind the seemingly uninteresting.

I only got to see Justin for a little bit, we didn't talk very much.
He's such a good father. And he still has the same old sense of humor. The kind I take after. Jess, Mel and I talked about how different I am from everyone else in the family. How the only person I really look like is my dad and Melly. Personality wise I'm kind of the same as Justin. But I've always been the odd one out. But really, I'm okay with that.

I miss when I was younger. When I saw everything through rose colored glasses. When you still knew how to block out the bad, because when you're a kid, the worst that can happen is your mom doesn't let you have candy(Obviously there are some exceptions). When all you see, is all you know. The bad is orchestrated into normal. You don't know anything else, and you accept things as they are.
Don't get me wrong, I don't wanna go back, because I'd rather know the truth. To actually know the people you're living with. To know that they aren't faking it for you anymore. That you aren't even worth trying to fool.

I guess I never really talked about how bad things really were. I didn't see the need to. I don't want people's pity(Whether Bego agrees or not doesn't matter:P). And I never really have. When I do, its for small, meaningless things.
But I don't want people feeling sorry for me, which often happens when I tell my story. I don't want that. I want them to know that I made it through, and they can, too. That from my story, they can help other people. Understand a little bit better what it means to honestly not have a family. To see how difficult it is to try and sew everything back together.

"Family is forever"
But if it was never really a family, does it mean family is never?
Or does it mean, that sometimes you just have to get rid of the bad, and start over? That you can make it through anything with your family if you work hard enough? Because some of this family, is the reason we aren't one.


I know, I know. You wanna grow up, and then when you are, all you wanna do is go back to being young again.
Yeah, that happens to most people, but when your childhood was like mine, I would do anything to leave it behind. To move forward and feel no need to look behind me.

I want: to be a missionary
Junior year, here I come.
Cause yanno, I'm so sick of not being good enough.
and yanno, this is gonna be the year that changes it all.
Baby, there's nothing holding me back this year.

So, she said, "baby you know you're beautiful, inside and out"
And I say, "thanks Mom, they say I take after my dad."