I found a photo of you today. I didn’t recognize you at first. It was like I vaguely remembered you from a dream. I had spent years learning your face, every freckle. The three on your arm that were shaped in a perfect triangle. I knew the way your arms tensed, how you clenched your jaw and shook your head rapidly when upset. I knew the face you made when you were lying, but only about small things. I knew your different laughs, and your overused jokes. I knew your family and your pets. I knew you so well. I wasn’t sure of what you were capable of then, but over time I learned.

I recognized your face in the photo, and realized it wasn’t a dream, but instead a nightmare; I don’t know you.

I'm doing this new thing where I write about someone from my past who has had some effect on me. Some of the people are current, who I think have the potential to change things, alter who I am.
Enjoy, or don't. Doesn't matter to me, really.

Isn't it weird to think that everyone has access to every emotion? Everyone can fall in love, be filled with rage, be hopelessly sad, and utterly happy. I get really worried thinking about the way I feel, and how there are other people who feel this way. I want to help them, make them happy. I guess that's all I've ever really wanted. I want everyone happy, and the harder I try, the more I fail, the further from happy I get. Will there ever be a day when someone looks at me and they feel nothing but warmth? But I guess the more unlikely, will there ever be a day when I look at someone and am just happy?

I know better than to base my happiness off of one person. I know better than to anxiously wait for a guy to fill the emptiness I feel. But sometimes I honestly wonder if there is someone out there who is perfect for me. And if there is, am I meant to be with him? Or will I be one of those people who has love and then loses it? Who knows to what, maybe death, maybe miscommunication, maybe they'll be perfect for me, but I'll come nowhere close to their standards. 

I'm sorry. I've been alone with my thoughts too much lately. I think it's about time I start writing in this regularly again.

These past four walls won't be the only thing that's keeping me from you

It's been a while, huh? It's been so long in fact, that I don't even know how to get around on blogger anymore.
So, about two months ago I moved to Milford, NH. It's a quaint little town, but I miss my home daily. I live with an incredible family that is teaching me what it's like to have a family. Something I never really learned growing up. It's a struggle, in a lot of ways. I've hated myself for so long, and haven't had any goals in my life for almost a year now,  besides just making it through every day. They push me in a lot of ways that I'm uncomfortable with, but deep down I know that's what I need to get out of this funk I've been in. The thing is, I've been so comfortable with my depression for so long, to the point where I didn't even know I was depressed, that I'm unsure if I really want to come out of it. Which is the saddest thing I've ever experienced, even though I can't feel it. Apathy is the only thing that has been consistent in my life for months now.
I find myself constantly craving human affection, but not in a healthy way. I want a relationship pretty desperately, but I know that wouldn't be good for where I am right now.

I've discovered that there are a lot of things that I know, but it doesn't change how I feel about any of it. If anything, it makes me want to flee from them even more so. I almost find myself wishing I didn't have people holding me accountable just so I can have a cigarette when I want one, hang out with whomever I please, whenever I so choose. I crave so many things that are utterly unhealthy.

I miss my Grampa every day. For some reason I feel like if he was still alive, everything in my life would make sense. I know it probably wouldn't, but at least I'd have one person in my life who actually understands me, listens when I want to talk, and doesn't force me to when I don't want to.

This is the first time I've really processed any of this, because I'm a writer. I don't talk to people, I write about everything, and if someone stumbles upon it, it's cool. I've taught myself how to depend on no one but myself, and the one thing I cling to will be the death of me. But isn't that the same for everyone?

I keep myself in my head so much that I literally analyze everything. I've discovered the flaws of everyone who is around me, and also figured out the reasons why they exist. The only person I can't figure out is myself, but that may be the safest thing in my life.

It's like my life is a game of musical chairs but I'm always the one who gets out.

Sometimes it takes us being broken before we see the real glory of our Creator.

Whether it be health, friendships, family or whatever else, we wait until we're at our lowest before we go to our God. Before we ask for His help, we try EVERYTHING but God. Why is that?

Look at the world we live in. We're taught all of these different vices; go to drugs, go to people, alcohol, sex, anything . Our world teaches that you have to try everything.

For me, I get very dependent on people. Usually only one person. When they leave I'm lost and broken. I become confused as to why they left, and instantly start wondering why I wasn't good enough for them. I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, or funny enough to make them stay.

I give parts of myself up for the person, and they constantly abuse it. They leave, eventually they come back, just to leave again not long after.

I guess I'm just waiting for the person who stops saying all the right words, and shows love through their actions instead. I'm tired of the people who are so good at pretending they fool even themselves for a little while.

I need someone who will make up their mind from the get go.

But you know, I'm also tired of waiting around for it. I am smart enough, I am pretty, and I'm hilarious, and I don't need some person to confirm that. I have God. And He loves me more than any person ever will.

He is all I need, and I'm tired of putting my faith and trust into people other than Him. He will never let me down. He is everything I've been searching for my entire life. He is so much more.

He is my Rock, Redeemer, Savior, my one true Love.
I'm done trying everything, I have the only thing I need.

It's been so long since I've scrawled my thoughts across a page... I sit here wondering how I used to do it with such ease. What did it take for me to be able to thread words together? To make a beautiful quilt of thoughts? Was it my sadness? And now that I am no longer sad, is my ability to express myself gone, too?

Someday
I’ll sway to the quiet rhythm of your
Beat and know
What your feet have been shuffling to
Since the day we met.

Someday I’ll understand the difference
Between the breath of yours that catches,
And the one that releases,
Like a broken lock.

Someday, the dust
That has been kicked up
Will settle, and I will see you clearly
For what you are.

But not today,
Not today.

Starting tomorrow, January 1st, 2012, I will be writing a short passage every day in my journal. I'm sure some of these little blurbs will end up here as well. So, keep your eyes out.
These blurbs are gonna be more than just the usual leakage of words that come out of my head every now and again. Instead of me writing things that often have nothing to do with me or my life, I'm for once going to actually write about what goes through my mind on a day to day basis. Ooo, Dramatic.