Prayers

Why is it that I don't get nervous at all when it comes to regular public speaking?
But the moment it comes to speaking on behalf of God, or praying out loud, I freeze up, I shake, and I forget what I was saying. Chris thinks its the enemy. And I sure hope so, otherwise there is something wrong with me.

My mom's boyfriend is here, and I'm trying to be as nice as possible.
But it's really hard, when he's one of the biggest tools I have ever met.
He wants me to talk to his son.
Great.

I've been having one stressed week after another.
More temptation, less resistance.
I hope this doesn't last long. I need to get in better in control of my actions.
I need to let God in control.


I talked to Xander yesterday, and I finally know what happened.
And it quite possibly be the stupidest reason I've ever heard.
But I am content, because it's no longer a mystery.

I'm gonna go get ready for Reckless.

short and not so sweet.

I'm in a hecka lot of pain.
it's fantastic.

Researching Marfen's syndrome and actually not procrastinating on something.
WOOOO.


also, I have stupid ideas.
Good thing I don't act out on them... most of the time.
Impulses need to stop controlling me.

Isaiah 40:29

Simply looking for a picture from when you were six.
Looking through the file cabinet, to find an envelope with the title "Melody."
The file is filled with old drawings and report cards, projects, pictures, reports, medical records.
The file is completely jam packed.
You find all the envelopes of your four other siblings. Also practically bursting.
Then, you find, you find your envelope.
So you open it, noticing how much smaller it is than all the rest.
And all you find in it, is your social security number, birth certificate, one old band report card, and a medical record. That's it. No memories. No pictures of you growing up, or old drawings. Nothing.
And it makes you wonder, why were you the child that didn't matter?
That never did, and never will.
The girl you make feel so small, and insignificant.
She thinks constantly about what she did to deserve it.
She knows there must have been something.
Some major screw up. There's gotta be something.
So she spends years trying to figure it out. But she can't.
So she runs. She pretends nothings wrong. That absolutely everything is great all the time.
She meets a boy who teaches her not to run anymore. But then one day, he runs away from her.
And she just doesn't understand. Why is she the one everyone walks all over?
The girl is constantly told of how strong and powerful she is. But does everyone just tell her that, to make her feel strong, so they can rip it out from under her?
She works hard to go on everyday. To face all of her problems. She just doesn't know how.

God is her main concern in life. Her world revolves around Him. But no one ever taught her how God can take away all of her pain. That He can help her heal. So she wanders around aimlessly.
She believes in God, and she tries to make Him her all, but with the expectations she's always had for herself, she slips, and falls, and just doesn't want to get up anymore.
She doesn't understand why when other people fall, they're left alone, but when she does, everyone forces her up again. What could her purpose possibly be that she was made the way she is? With all of her trials, and her baggage, what does God have for her life?
No one can answer that, but she knows, she knows that this isn't it.

So she gets up, every time she falls. She raises her head higher than before, and she keeps walking. She's questioned, and put down. Told that her God isn't real. But if He isn't real, she has no reason to get up anymore.



He gives power to the weak. He increases the strength of him who has no might.
Isaiah 40:29

And with a sigh of contempt she puts the envelope back in the file cabinet.

does this look like heaven to you?

Everyone needs to back off.
As though I'm not stressed enough.
I am taking a break from SLT, and devoting my weekend to studying for midterms.
I'm going to Reckless, yeah, but I guarantee you, I won't be as hyper and as all over the place as usual. I'm just not in the mood.
I'm not going to church tomorrow.
I am sleeping in, and then I am studying for world history and english all day.

I hate midterms.
I know I'll pass all of them, there's no doubt about that, but will I pass with a high enough grade is the question.

Last night was a relief.
And I feel horrible about it.
Four solid months, wrecked.
It's pretty fantastic.

This week has been the worst one I've had in probably three years.
I'm under too much pressure, and then every decides they're going to attack me, too.
I'm sorry I resorted to old habits, but I needed to.
Now I'm worried I'll fall back into them.

Honestly.
Do not confront me about how some of the things I do bother you.
I will not change myself for you.
I am working on all my flaws already. I am fully aware of what they are.
I'm pretty sure I don't need to be informed of them.
So thank you, but all of you need to grow up.

Also, this whole everyone exploding at me thing, is getting pretty old as well.
Go find someone else to be your punching bag.
I do not get angry, and everyone has apparently decided to take full advantage of that lately.
And then they tell me I'm pissed off. I do not get pissed off.
I will get annoyed, but I will not do anything about it.


Why am I struggling so much lately?
This is ridiculous.
I've lost complete track of where I was.
And as of right now, I don't think I have any desire to return.
Just another reason I need a break from SLT.

asjfhlskdghaj.
I'm gonna go get ready for Reckless now.

that was easy.

Frustration is gone.
But I'm still exhausted.
I had a red bull today? It helped me get through the excruciating pain that is known as Monday.

Honesty isn't always the best policy.
I can't tell everyone the whole truth.
Little white lies turn into big ones I know. But everyone knows that sometimes you're just better off.
Whether it's not mentioning someone by name to another person.
Or, telling someone part of something.
Or just overall trying to protect their feelings.
And they aren't even lies that people would be upset to find out about.
They're just and easy button.
Yes, that sounds just about right.
How many times do you use an easy button a day?
And I don't mean just little white lies.
I mean, anything that you shouldn't do, but it just seems to make things easier for you?
What's your easy button?


^^^I don't even know where that came from :0
Things like that keep coming out of my mouth with no known source.



I hate finding people who deal with things the same way I used to.
I like, want to help them, but can't impose on them the same way I was.


I want Artie Murphy to come see me!
:D

So, I am slightly frustrated.
That's okay.
I'm gonna go to bed.
It's seven thirty...
I have a sleeping problem.
bye guys.

Forever isn't in my future.

I'm sick again...
What else is new?



Remember how I said I'd put my resolutions up here?
I can't think of any...
hold on.
I'll try.

1. Do better in school.
2. Don't mess things up.
3. Stay on track with God.
4. Stop getting sick XD

Uh I can't think of anymore I wanna put here.

I have eleven absences.
cool.

I am so stupid.
Why do I always do this?
Someone light me on fire please.

Forever just won't do.

This is a new concept entirely.
Accepting my Mom's relationship?
I was on the verge of doing so... Until they started sleeping in the same room, until they took a shower together. What happened to teaching me about no sex before marriage? Shouldn't that apply to you as well? Just because you've been married twice, doesn't mean you get to have sex with whomever you please now. God intends for us to have sex with the person we are married to. Not someone who the "relationship isn't even serious" with.
I am disgusted. I am disappointed. And I have lost the remaining bit of respect I still had for you.



"I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending."

It's so hard to try to do the right thing, when all the people who used to encourage you, are the ones who are falling apart. But the worst part is, they don't care. Or even realize how much they affect everyone with their choices.

Drinking, smoking, swearing, sex, I'm surrounded by it all on a daily basis.
And it wasn't so hard, when I had friends who were against it, too.
But they've all fallen into society's expectations.

Do hard things? Amazing book.
Why are people's expectations of teenagers so low? Maybe if we raised our expectations, more teenagers would succeed.



Anyways... Three hour phone conversations are fun.
Especially when they're with someone who doesn't judge you, they just listen, and they understand. With someone who may not have gone through the same things, but as had to deal with the same emotions. With someone who is absolutely amazing, and understanding. With someone who you love and who you never want to end the conversation with. You wish you could stay awake forever just to talk about nothing.

I admitted things I've never told anyone about.
My fears.
My dreams.
My failures.
And he listened, and he made me feel better, without even trying.

We told stories. Some make believe, and some true.
But we just listened to each other.

People tend to avoid their fears.
Right?
We do whatever we can to run away or ignore them.
Why don't we confront them?

My biggest fear is failure... and sponges, but that's another story.
Failing at life, I'm terrified.
They say the things we fear, are just the things we think will happen, but we don't do anything to prevent. That sometimes they are things we think we can't change. So we don't bother trying.


From all the things we talked about last night, I could go on forever about them all.
To describe every detail, and remember every moment.
But instead, I'll stop here.


New year's resolutions? I'll do them when I have my computer back.

Sparkling Cider anyone?

This was the first new year, where I wasn't stuck at home, or at one of my parents parties.
It was fantastic.
It was also the only party that I've ever stayed at for more than four hours without feeling depressed.
I had fun.
What a concept.

Corey Farr thank you very much for making my night interesting.

I've always hated when I'm surrounded by a ton of people I used to be close to.
I tend to bounce around parties, mingling with everyone. But for the most part I stuck to Corey, Matt Jenkins, Lauren, Melly, and Emily. And I had FUN.
:D

This year has been full of quite a few things...
Some I used to want to take back, and some I wanted to go back to.
But, if it wasn't for all the up and downs, and in and outs, I wouldn't be where I am now.
And I love where I am now.

So, Happy New Year. And I hope that you guys all have a fantastic year.
Remember though, you are the one who decides to make your day good, no one else.
There may be a few obstacles, but you don't have to let them ruin you.
So in turn, you also can make your year a good one.
:D