I'm not really nervous anymore.

It's a conversation you're very hesitant to have.
The feelings of the person towards you, seem kind of bleak. They seem to have a somewhat bad view of you.
Are not a fan.
A burst of courage, that comes out of nowhere, just to initiate it.
You awkwardly talk at first, still slightly worried about their feelings towards you.
You're careful about wording, and work hard at not sounding like a loser.
And you realize how absolutely nice the other person is.
Friendly, and sweet.
The more you talk, the more you find you have in common.
Bad things, good things
You tell some of your story, and try to make it seem like its not as bad as it was.
You end the sentence with "haha", just to lighten it, so they don't give you pity.
Because that's not what you want.
She asked about your family situation, and that isn't easy to talk about without sounding pathetic.

You find things you have in common with her, that you would never want to have in common with anyone. Its a pain you've endured, that you don't want anyone else to.
But they have.

After the conversation, you feel a lot better.
And you start to feel more and more excited about what the school year holds.
You can tell, you'll be close friends with this chica.
I am a fan :D




And dude, I never hit it off with chicks right away.
God is doing something really awesome. As usual ;)

He took my broken life and made it into something so
much more incredible than I could even imagine.

SO excited for school tomorrow.
I need new shoes.
And a laptop.
God will provide.

It was worth a shot. right?

And my heart may have just broken in two.
And I might be wondering just why God's plans are NEVER the same as mine.
Why, when something starts to look up, and everything is going my way, its thrown completely off.

Maybe because it's my way, and not God's...
But still... I really wanted this.
I'm trying so hard to not break down right now. All I wanna do is scream. Just for a second.

But I'm not going to.
Because God's timing is perfect.
And I'll just cry quietly to myself while reading Proverbs 16:3&4 over and over again.

Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music

This whole thing just scares me.
And its incredibly uncomfortable. There's gotta be a way to figure out if this is all just in my head.
But is there a way without anyone getting hurt?... Doubtful.


"I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up too "
I'm really kinda mad at myself for relating to this lyric in a Kelly Clarkson song(especially since you forced me to listen to it before school once in your car, you said "it describes us").
But I don't think that's true. I think its just that one line.

I don't really know where I am right now.
I feel like I'm in the middle of being who I was, and who I'm about to become.
It's sort of like the limbo of transition.
I couldn't tell you my favorite type of music as of now, mostly because I don't know what to call it. Corey calls it 'alternative rock'. Although I don't really think that's it.
Mostly I've been listening to worship music, and random weird bands I find.
The music that you could use to define a certain moment in life.
Like the song We Own the Sky by M83.
I wouldn't be able to tell you why, but it feels like summer to me.

I've been mocked a lot lately by how often I relate music to life.
But hey, its a big part of who I am. And I know most people say that.
I won't say that its different than other people, but I have a friendship with music.
I think it's wonderful when people can take how they feel and translate it into song.
Which is why I've been practicing piano a lot more lately.
I want to be able to do that.
And no offense to my band kid friends, but saxophone just doesn't cut it for me.
Its just so easy to write music for piano to me.

Alright, I'll stop going on about my love for music now.

I'd like to say that car accidents really are quite a wake up call.
Even if its a minor dent and paint swap accident.
To think that if we hadn't stopped as soon as we did, multiple people's lives would have been at risk, is terrifying.
All I can do is thank God was watching over us and them.


"When people hear good music, it makes them homesick for something they never had, and never will have."- Edgar Watson Howe

p.s. You are the perfect lullaby.
And so cute too.

If I know you at all anymore, you still read these.
Not really sure why you do, but I've realized that you are kinda...different.
So I guess nothing you do really makes sense.

But just so you know, I'm disgusted with who you are now. You're everything you always used to hate. It's sad. But I'm also glad I'm on the outside looking in, and not a part of your life anymore.
I hope you figure out what your purpose is.
You used to think it was helping people. But I hope you realized that you caused more downfalls than anything.
I really hate to see you wandering around like this. Because even though you have no significance in my life now, you used to. So its kinda lame to see you so messed up.


I have been physically drained the past few days.
Like to the point where I just wanna sleep and not get up. But I have too many responsibilities all of a sudden for that.


"you make beautiful things out of us."
Amen.

The thoughts of mine at five thirty in the morning when I still can't sleep

Curtains are a very curious thing. We use them to block things out and to block them in. Currently mine are being used to block out the sky that is getting brighter by the minute. I wanna sleep, I mean, I do have work later. But I wanna see the sunrise. I have continuously been opening and closing my shades for fifteen minutes.
What if its an amazing sunrise and I miss it?
Meg, you're gonna be cranky all day if you don't go to sleep.
But the birds are chirping. They want me to enjoy the sunrise. I would be singing too if I saw something as beautiful as that every morning.
What if its one of those sunrises where the sky brightens, but thats about it?

I don't think my mom knew me well enough when she made these curtains.
Its a wonder they aren't broken with my constant struggle between loving God's beautiful wonders, and His other amazing creation; sleep.

My final decision? To watch the sunrise. I won't regret it, even if its one of those simple ones. It's still beautiful.

After that though, I'm closing the curtains.

The thoughts of mine at five in the morning.

There's something very beautiful about the city at five in the morning. The sky is just starting to lighten with a mess of blue and purple horizons. The crickets are chirping more than they do late at night. Almost as though they're giving their farewells. They have their time of angst the same way we do when its getting dark outside. There are few cars that drive by this early. I wish I was one of the people driving somewhere right now. Maybe I could stay awake for the sunrise.

I like the soundtrack of the city. Every hour has its theme and every moment has its song. I don't take nearly enough time to stop and listen to it anymore. When I was younger I used to fall asleep to the sound of the cars going by. Now its too complicated. I listen to worship music before bed. But I wonder if God would rather I listen to the beauty of His creation and praise Him for it, instead of songs that overplay and lose their spiritual value.
This morning I will enjoy His creation; a city lullaby.

And she wonders why we're all conceited enough to think that we're the one thing God created that wasn't beautiful.

I'm lost and undone without you.

And I wouldn't tell you I'm not offended.
But then again, I wouldn't tell you much of anything.

So, there was always a reason for why I tried to move away from the then.
But it wasn't good enough until I was "pushed away".
Oh, but honey, didn't you know I hadn't planned on talking to you much more anyway?

People have the strangest ways of thinking.
And I've heard that no one understands it.
But shouldn't we all, since well, we're the subject of the most study?

When up is down, and wrong is right, and the blame is pushed all around.

I hope that nothing goes wrong for you ever again. And we might as well hope that if it does, you can make a valid excuse as to why it wasn't your fault.

You're awfully good at it.

I would've run out of people to blame by now.

Oh, okay, I see.

So I can get through anything.

But I didn't know that meant everything.

I'm not gonna sit around crying about this.

My life never falls apart, because it was never really together.

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.

I just wish He didn't trust me so much."

God has given you one face, and you make another.

Wearing a mask at all times.

So let me ask you this.

When are you gonna take it off?