This is God's will.
Who am I to be upset about it?

The words well up in my stomach, only to be stopped by the catch in my throat.
They just stopped.
So a squeak came out, every time I tried to say what I felt.
I could've tried to scream, and all that would come out, is that tiny squeak.
It's like the sound of defeat.

If God was really number one, would this still hurt as much?
There's that promise that it will someday work out, so why do I almost start crying every five minutes?

I feel so incredibly pathetic right now.

I feel so sick.
And I am such a bad example to these girls...

Dear God, please don't let history repeat its self.
The more days that go by, the more scared I get...

"Meg, you're a fighter. You clearly have the Holy Spirit in you, and want to follow God's plan. I'm impressed with you."

"She's putting a lot of the kids who go here to shame. She's always on time, and has this big smile on her face, and she's always very respectful."

GAHHHHHHHHH.

"My heart stopped. It just stopped beating. And for the first time in my life, I had that feeling. You know, like the world is moving all around you, all beneath you, all inside you, and you're floating. Floating in midair. And the only thing keeping you from drifting away is the other person's eyes."

I'm sure the things that go bump in the night, couldn't hurt me as much as you do.

soundtrack of my life. right now.

What would it take
For things to be quiet
Quiet like the snow
I know, this isn't much
But I know I could, I could be better

I don't think I deserve it,
Selflessness
Find your way into my heart
All stars could be brighter
All hearts could be warmer

What would it take
For things to be quiet
Quiet like the snow
Are we meant to be empty handed
I know I could, I could be better

I dont think I deserve it
Selflessness
Find your way into my heart
All stars could be brighter
All hearts could be warmer


Mm, let's pretend for one minute that this isn't bothering me.
But you know, I never had much of an imagination.

They came to tell your faults to me,
They named them over one by one;
I laughed aloud when they were done,
I knew them all so well before,—
Oh, they were blind, too blind to see
Your faults had made me love you more.

I really need to learn not to get my hopes up so high. Watching them crash isn't worth my time.

And it hurts when you promise, and them someone else breaks it for you.
I'm sick of not having any say in this.
It's ours, not yours. It's God's plan, not yours.

Stop being a control freak. It's really not cute.

Mrs. Stuart wanted me to move up to a level three.
Seeing as how I got a 97 on an SAT essay, a one hundred on a beowulf packet, and a 92 on our book reviews. I honestly don't understand.
She doesn't grade me harshly enough.
I can't do a level three... I'm way too lazy.
But oddly enough, I said yes.

Oh, I missed conversations with Athena...
She just... gets it.
I know how others feel when they talk to me now, because of her.
I don't know how to react to someone who has been though horrible things.
I'm sure people don't know how to react to me.

The one person who seemed to, doesn't talk to me much anymore.
What a coincidence.

It's okay, I don't really need someone to talk to besides God anyway...

Can I just say how much I love this chick's hair?
Oh my, seeing people with beautiful red hair isn't helping me not dye mine. I'd love to do this color, it's like purpley red. Complete happy making.

So guess what I'm doing tonight? Dying my hair... Just not this color unfortunately...

Guess I really couldn't cut cold turkey haha.


Also, my hips have been hurting like crazy lately. Ugh.

I'm very sleepy...
But this weekend changed everything, and so the lack of sleep is a small price to pay.

It's four in the morning, and I don't really know why I'm still up.
I've been praying all night, that something will change.
I can't sleep when my mind is uneasy.
It's a wonder I sleep at all.

I went through pictures from a couple years ago.
Some were happy, and some were not.
I suppose pictures are wonderful, because they freeze a single moment in time, when you were happy. You can't be sad looking at a picture when everyone's smiling. Even if everyone in that picture is long gone.
Even if that picture was taken before the biggest mistake of your life with that person.
So many pictures with them... It helps you realize why you did what you've done.

I'm listening to explosions in the sky.
There was something about that song... I'll never really understand it.


I can't be thinking about this now. Not when everything's falling apart.
It just tears my seams wide open.


So I'm not... anymore.
Because now I went through my old messages, and I found a few from you.
We were really good then, and almost every single one of our messages was about God.
We should... be like that again.

I know you're just a ragdoll now, sewn together by the memories we might have had.

What a silly investment I had in you.

My heart beats for Him. I live to glorify Him.
Anyone who distracts me from that... isn't supposed to walk hand in hand with me on this journey.
It should always be a building up experience. Where they're on the same page as you. You help them run after God harder, and they do the same for you.

But let me ask you this, are we supposed to have water breaks on this run?


This isn't about my relationship.
(Corey Farr!)
Unless by relationship, you mean friendships.

I need to not snoop...

So I'll stand here and try to figure out the where and the how.
And what it really means to live.
Because we all know there's more than this.
But some of us choose the wrong way, just because we love to be proven wrong.