It's been so long since I've scrawled my thoughts across a page... I sit here wondering how I used to do it with such ease. What did it take for me to be able to thread words together? To make a beautiful quilt of thoughts? Was it my sadness? And now that I am no longer sad, is my ability to express myself gone, too?

Someday
I’ll sway to the quiet rhythm of your
Beat and know
What your feet have been shuffling to
Since the day we met.

Someday I’ll understand the difference
Between the breath of yours that catches,
And the one that releases,
Like a broken lock.

Someday, the dust
That has been kicked up
Will settle, and I will see you clearly
For what you are.

But not today,
Not today.

Starting tomorrow, January 1st, 2012, I will be writing a short passage every day in my journal. I'm sure some of these little blurbs will end up here as well. So, keep your eyes out.
These blurbs are gonna be more than just the usual leakage of words that come out of my head every now and again. Instead of me writing things that often have nothing to do with me or my life, I'm for once going to actually write about what goes through my mind on a day to day basis. Ooo, Dramatic.

Macaroni Art?

The breaking we feel is all to make us a beautiful mosaic. God takes our broken pieces and He doesn't glue them together, but He molds them. He makes us this incredible masterpiece that only He could create.

I find myself picking up the shattered pieces of my life from behind me, and instead of handing them to my Creator... I take my little bottle of Elmer's glue, and with an unstable hand, I try to mash my pieces back to the form they were before.

But that's the thing: I don't have the ability to do that. Only God does!
And when we break... it isn't to go back to the way we were before... It's to make us even better than before! Maybe it makes us stronger, or wiser, more inspired, or anything else, but every time... it draws us closer to God. If we let it.

The past few months, I've just about used up eight bottles of glue. In the past week, God has taken my sloppy arts and crafts, and turned it into a mosaic. He's got control, and my feeble attempts at art work will never compare to the masterpieces of my God.

You Are Not Alone.

I had never understood the feeling of being alone. Or just sitting and thinking that you weren't good enough. I thought it was silly, saying to myself "The God of the universe loves me, I AM good enough!" But in the past few months I have felt nothing but disappointment in myself. I would sit around thinking that I was simply not good enough. The guy I had fallen in love with and given so much of my life to, had left. And I was alone, wondering why I had stopped being what he wanted. It completely destroyed my self esteem, so when he came back, I welcomed him with open arms, hoping my self esteem would go back to where it had always been. But it didn't. Instead, it steadily dropped more and more every day. I felt like I had to prove to him that he had made a good decision in coming back to me. So I started working out manically. Weighing myself on the scale every day hoping that I was becoming pretty. And now I can't stop. I check every day, and it hasn't changed. I work out every night, even though he's gone again, and my efforts to be good enough for him never worked. And even though I know that I'm good enough and that God loves me just as I am, I get scared that the next guy, even though it'll be years from now, will do the same thing. So, I work out every night, and I weigh myself every morning, and step off the scale disappointed, wondering how I'll ever be good enough for someone else, if I'm not good enough for myself.

I'm so sick of hoping that someone will tell me that I'm beautiful. There's no point, because I can't believe them until I believe myself. I feel so hypocritical telling all these girls how beautiful they are, and how they're loved, when I feel the same way they do.

It's not even just looking in the mirror and not feeling good enough. It's everything I've done that's strapped to my back. God's taken it all away, my shame and my guilt, but I always go back to it. I'm afraid everyone else has judged me on what I've done, only because I judge myself on it.

I want to believe that God loves me, and that He thinks I'm beautiful and incredible, and everything else that I hear all the time, but I can't when I judge myself so harshly.

In the Bible it says to love God, and to love people, and then love yourself. In that order.
I like to think I've got the first two down, but the third is the hardest.
I know all of the truths of God, I know that He is Lord, and He is good. I know it all, but I don't feel it most of the time. And that makes me feel like I don't know God at all. I'm blocking out God's truths with my own lies. These lies that I have produced and concocted on my own. Taking other people's remarks of me and opinions, and turning them into my own.

I want to be happy with myself again.

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. " - Genesis 1:27

I don't like the sound of my name in other people's mouths.
But it feels safe in yours.

I haven't written anything on here for a very long time. There has been so much change, and much more boredom.
I'll write more when I'm not half asleep, and don't have to get up for work in the morning.

Usually I start these with a lot of random garbage that no one really wants to read. So, I'm just gonna skip all of that.

TOP TEN MOST INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE THIS YEAR:
1. Jesus. Predictable? Probably, but I learn more and more from Him every day.
2. Melody. She's my best friend, hands down, no matter what. I don't care if we're living in the same house or living 5845934953 miles away. She's my best friend, and nothing changes that.
3. Kenny. Hey there mister, you're awfully high up on my list once again... I love him... Still...
4. Corey! He's great. He makes me laugh, he makes me think, he makes me smile, and sometimes he makes me frown. But basically, I adore him XD
5. Josh. I met him this year, and he quickly became pretty close to me.
6. Alex. He always seems to pop up when I need him.
7. Lauren. The best.
8. JULIE! I love her, she is so stinking funny and she's just great.
9. Cam. Sometimes I think our friendship causes more drama than it's worth. But I love him, and we seem to get through it.
10. Mrs. Fulford. She always listens to me. Even when I have nothing to say.

TOP TEN BEST FRIENDS THIS YEAR:
1. Kenny.
2. Lauren.
3. Melly.
4. Julie.
5. Corey.
6. Josh.
7. Nastassja XD
8. Timmy!
9. Bri.
10. Cam.

TOP TEN MOST LISTENED TO SONGS:
1. ugh... teenage dream... I was obsessed for like two weeks o.O
2. Forget you by Cee Lo Green
3. Beautiful things by Gungor
4. Saeglopur by Sigur Ros
5. Anything by Minus the Bear
6. This is the thing by Fink
7. Collide by Howie Day
8. The song by The boy ;)
9. Little Lion Man by Mumford & Sons
10. Wrapped in Your Arms by Fireflight

GOALS FOR THIS SUMMER:
1.Reckless camp <3
2. Buffalo?
3. Maine with Julie!
4. Get a tan... for real.
5. Actually accomplish the things on this list since I only did one from last year...
6. Fix things.
7. Get a job
8. Plan a get together with my whole class.
9. I wanna learn how to swim without holding my nose...bahahha.
10. uphold the welling.

Jeez how much things change in a year. I can't even handle it. New school, new friends, old school, old friends, living with a different parent. It didn't even seem that different going in...

Lisa Mitchell - Incomplete Lullaby

Mere words cannot express...


I don't want you to know that I miss you, but it's so hard to stop myself from shouting it at you. To stop myself from jumping around, with flailing arms, screaming "please just come back!". To stop myself from looking into your eyes, and gently whispering "I miss you." To stop myself from absently stating it in the middle of conversation. It's so hard to stop myself from feeling it.

Oh, won't you dance with me once more?

Bring it back to that day in my study. We'll dance to Alexi Murdoch, and pretend the past five months didn't exist.

Forget that our lips have met any one elses besides each others. We'll dance like we'll be together forever, and always have been. I'll erase the cruel words from my memory, and remove the malice from my heart. I'll burn the images embedded in my brain of you and her.

I'll keep that shoe box, and your guitar pick in my pocket. We'll smile at each other again in passing. We'll work our way up.

But I just have one request, won't you dance with me once more?

Ellipses and question marks have become the punctuation of our conversations, when it used to be commas and exclamation points.

Choices.

If I could go back through all of the fights, all of the walks to the park, and the day at the aquarium. Back before our first kiss, and our first hug, the first hello. Before I decided you were the funniest person I had ever met, and before you became the only person I’d willingly cry in front of. Back to before we could finish each others sentences and we could press each others buttons because we knew exactly where they were. Before the welling of love, and before the heartbreak and pain. Back when we were still learning and living, before we shared our hopes and dreams, our secrets and fears. Before you met my family, and before we fell in love, I can’t decide if I still would have told you the words that changed everything: “I like you too”

caught up in just this way I know that you can be more than this

I had forgotten how nice it is to just sit and pray for an extended period of time.
I missed it so incredibly. I don't even want to stop.
As I sit here writing this, I'm thinking about how I wish I was still spending time with God.
This is a weird feeling, that I am really enjoying.
It was so nice to just sit in my closet talking about everything that's happened in the past few months. About how hard headed I am. How it takes so many tries before God is able to reach me.
I talked about every sin recently. Every mess up, every mistake. I talked about how stupid I feel for chasing after something I thought would make me happy, that distracted me from God, and in the end really only caused pain.

Usually, I probably would have cried over him.
Today, I cried over my broken relationship with God.
It wasn't about anything but that.
It was all about how much I missed my God, and how I didn't understand why I've wasted so much time on so many things that will never be as fulfilling as God, especially when I know that to be true.

This is a fantastic feeling.

mm, Kate Nash. She's just fantastic.

Pink - Perfect (Boyce Avenue acoustic cover) on iTunes (Donate to Victim...

I love this, beyond words.

He listed reasons, hoping it'd convince me he knows who I am.
I grew more scared, as I realized he knows me better than anyone else.
but I've tried so hard to make myself detached from everyone...

How strange it is to think that you are not invincible.

Almost dying tonight made me realize that.
If it had been five minutes later...

"Oh, that happens to her all the time, no big deal."
Yes, I get allergic reactions a lot, but no, I have never had one that literally constricted my throat to the point where there was a high shrill sound coming out because I could no longer get any air into my body.
They said it's called "strider", and it just means that my throat was becoming smaller and smaller, and the sound that came out was my body gasping for air.
So, no, this doesn't happen all the time, and yes it is actually a big deal.
Good to know though that if I had died, you probably wouldn't have cared.

I let you mess with me, and you let me mess with you. Is that what we were both told love is?

"I swear my intentions were gold."

I wonder if it kills you as much as it kills me to know I was right all along.

Why is it, that when our hearts are broken, and I mean truly broken, it doesn't help us move on?
Instead we linger on the pain.
If our hearts break, do we just have all the pieces in our chest, trying oh so hard to beat together in rhythm again?
Or is is because we lost a piece of our hearts?
It wasn't a shatter, but a clean cut.
We want to prove to ourselves that it wasn't for nothing.
That our heart wasn't sliced and diced for no reason.

"I love you."
"Okay."

Dejectedly followed by a pained face, attempted to be masked by a laugh that wasn't much better.

This is a good thing.

I see him through terrified eyes, while I study the anger on his face.
My eyes may be filled with fright, but his are filled with frustration and hate.
I hope that his facial expressions are the only thing he'll do to show his discontentment.
I don't want to go down that road again.

Hey Meg,
you've been punk'd,
love God.

I don't really like saying amen at the end of prayers.
It feels too blunt and short.
Who am I to just cut off a conversation with God?
I try to say I love you right before I say amen, too.
Though even the combination of the two still feels too sudden.
It's like a phone call... Where you do all the talking, and then just say bye and hang up. You don't wait for a response, you just hang up when you're done confessing your sins, or saying how great our God is. I say I want to hear Him, and then I hang up on Him.

I haven't heard God in so long, because I haven't been listening.
I cut Him off, with everything I think I need to say.

It's been a long time, since I've just sat down and talked with God.
Maybe that's why not much is going very well right now. But to be honest, I already feel better.
Like He lifted a huge burden off my shoulders.
A burden I shouldn't have been trying to carry alone anyway.

"You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Hebrews 10:36
And I thought God wasn't speaking to me anymore ;)

It's gonna be okay, you know? God is proud when I do the right thing, and get through all the crap thrown at me.
I feel much better.

I just wanna break you down so badly.

Reminiscing of yesterdays and yester years, yester months, and yester fears.

And he knows just what to say to make me feel priceless. But you're the one who always makes me feel worthless.

And we'll pretend
we don't feel alone
when feeling alone
is the closet we've ever felt
to home.

I fell in love with chance and fate. How they aligned so perfectly at exactly the right moment to have everything fall into place.

I try not to listen long enough to hear you list your demons

There are only so many times we can say I love you before it rolls off your tongue like saying hello when greeting someone.

And something in her broke.

I never wanted to tell you this before
But you're everything I wanted and more
You're everything I'd hoped you'd be
without all the love and memories.

Hold my hand and take me out of here.

I don't want to be left here when it's all said and done,
Wondering what could have been.

Do you ever feel so far alone, that you don't even notice you are?

This song just makes me feel happy

I opened the door to find you standing there.
You'd been there for a while, fighting with yourself.
Wanting to knock on the door.
Not wanting consequences.
You came to reveal your heart to me.
Wanting to share the secrets you could never speak.
We stared at each other, searching for the words to say.
No one found them, as you turned and walked away.

Abby Desharnais is an inspiration :D
I blog stalk her...
She makes me think.
So now, I wonder, if I was surrounded by people I had never met before, from a completely different state, would I be the same old person?
I'd like to say yes, but I think I'd be a lot more open with people, than I am here.