Isn't it weird to think that everyone has access to every emotion? Everyone can fall in love, be filled with rage, be hopelessly sad, and utterly happy. I get really worried thinking about the way I feel, and how there are other people who feel this way. I want to help them, make them happy. I guess that's all I've ever really wanted. I want everyone happy, and the harder I try, the more I fail, the further from happy I get. Will there ever be a day when someone looks at me and they feel nothing but warmth? But I guess the more unlikely, will there ever be a day when I look at someone and am just happy?

I know better than to base my happiness off of one person. I know better than to anxiously wait for a guy to fill the emptiness I feel. But sometimes I honestly wonder if there is someone out there who is perfect for me. And if there is, am I meant to be with him? Or will I be one of those people who has love and then loses it? Who knows to what, maybe death, maybe miscommunication, maybe they'll be perfect for me, but I'll come nowhere close to their standards. 

I'm sorry. I've been alone with my thoughts too much lately. I think it's about time I start writing in this regularly again.

These past four walls won't be the only thing that's keeping me from you

It's been a while, huh? It's been so long in fact, that I don't even know how to get around on blogger anymore.
So, about two months ago I moved to Milford, NH. It's a quaint little town, but I miss my home daily. I live with an incredible family that is teaching me what it's like to have a family. Something I never really learned growing up. It's a struggle, in a lot of ways. I've hated myself for so long, and haven't had any goals in my life for almost a year now,  besides just making it through every day. They push me in a lot of ways that I'm uncomfortable with, but deep down I know that's what I need to get out of this funk I've been in. The thing is, I've been so comfortable with my depression for so long, to the point where I didn't even know I was depressed, that I'm unsure if I really want to come out of it. Which is the saddest thing I've ever experienced, even though I can't feel it. Apathy is the only thing that has been consistent in my life for months now.
I find myself constantly craving human affection, but not in a healthy way. I want a relationship pretty desperately, but I know that wouldn't be good for where I am right now.

I've discovered that there are a lot of things that I know, but it doesn't change how I feel about any of it. If anything, it makes me want to flee from them even more so. I almost find myself wishing I didn't have people holding me accountable just so I can have a cigarette when I want one, hang out with whomever I please, whenever I so choose. I crave so many things that are utterly unhealthy.

I miss my Grampa every day. For some reason I feel like if he was still alive, everything in my life would make sense. I know it probably wouldn't, but at least I'd have one person in my life who actually understands me, listens when I want to talk, and doesn't force me to when I don't want to.

This is the first time I've really processed any of this, because I'm a writer. I don't talk to people, I write about everything, and if someone stumbles upon it, it's cool. I've taught myself how to depend on no one but myself, and the one thing I cling to will be the death of me. But isn't that the same for everyone?

I keep myself in my head so much that I literally analyze everything. I've discovered the flaws of everyone who is around me, and also figured out the reasons why they exist. The only person I can't figure out is myself, but that may be the safest thing in my life.

It's like my life is a game of musical chairs but I'm always the one who gets out.

Sometimes it takes us being broken before we see the real glory of our Creator.

Whether it be health, friendships, family or whatever else, we wait until we're at our lowest before we go to our God. Before we ask for His help, we try EVERYTHING but God. Why is that?

Look at the world we live in. We're taught all of these different vices; go to drugs, go to people, alcohol, sex, anything . Our world teaches that you have to try everything.

For me, I get very dependent on people. Usually only one person. When they leave I'm lost and broken. I become confused as to why they left, and instantly start wondering why I wasn't good enough for them. I wasn't pretty enough, smart enough, or funny enough to make them stay.

I give parts of myself up for the person, and they constantly abuse it. They leave, eventually they come back, just to leave again not long after.

I guess I'm just waiting for the person who stops saying all the right words, and shows love through their actions instead. I'm tired of the people who are so good at pretending they fool even themselves for a little while.

I need someone who will make up their mind from the get go.

But you know, I'm also tired of waiting around for it. I am smart enough, I am pretty, and I'm hilarious, and I don't need some person to confirm that. I have God. And He loves me more than any person ever will.

He is all I need, and I'm tired of putting my faith and trust into people other than Him. He will never let me down. He is everything I've been searching for my entire life. He is so much more.

He is my Rock, Redeemer, Savior, my one true Love.
I'm done trying everything, I have the only thing I need.

It's been so long since I've scrawled my thoughts across a page... I sit here wondering how I used to do it with such ease. What did it take for me to be able to thread words together? To make a beautiful quilt of thoughts? Was it my sadness? And now that I am no longer sad, is my ability to express myself gone, too?

Someday
I’ll sway to the quiet rhythm of your
Beat and know
What your feet have been shuffling to
Since the day we met.

Someday I’ll understand the difference
Between the breath of yours that catches,
And the one that releases,
Like a broken lock.

Someday, the dust
That has been kicked up
Will settle, and I will see you clearly
For what you are.

But not today,
Not today.

Starting tomorrow, January 1st, 2012, I will be writing a short passage every day in my journal. I'm sure some of these little blurbs will end up here as well. So, keep your eyes out.
These blurbs are gonna be more than just the usual leakage of words that come out of my head every now and again. Instead of me writing things that often have nothing to do with me or my life, I'm for once going to actually write about what goes through my mind on a day to day basis. Ooo, Dramatic.

Macaroni Art?

The breaking we feel is all to make us a beautiful mosaic. God takes our broken pieces and He doesn't glue them together, but He molds them. He makes us this incredible masterpiece that only He could create.

I find myself picking up the shattered pieces of my life from behind me, and instead of handing them to my Creator... I take my little bottle of Elmer's glue, and with an unstable hand, I try to mash my pieces back to the form they were before.

But that's the thing: I don't have the ability to do that. Only God does!
And when we break... it isn't to go back to the way we were before... It's to make us even better than before! Maybe it makes us stronger, or wiser, more inspired, or anything else, but every time... it draws us closer to God. If we let it.

The past few months, I've just about used up eight bottles of glue. In the past week, God has taken my sloppy arts and crafts, and turned it into a mosaic. He's got control, and my feeble attempts at art work will never compare to the masterpieces of my God.

You Are Not Alone.

I had never understood the feeling of being alone. Or just sitting and thinking that you weren't good enough. I thought it was silly, saying to myself "The God of the universe loves me, I AM good enough!" But in the past few months I have felt nothing but disappointment in myself. I would sit around thinking that I was simply not good enough. The guy I had fallen in love with and given so much of my life to, had left. And I was alone, wondering why I had stopped being what he wanted. It completely destroyed my self esteem, so when he came back, I welcomed him with open arms, hoping my self esteem would go back to where it had always been. But it didn't. Instead, it steadily dropped more and more every day. I felt like I had to prove to him that he had made a good decision in coming back to me. So I started working out manically. Weighing myself on the scale every day hoping that I was becoming pretty. And now I can't stop. I check every day, and it hasn't changed. I work out every night, even though he's gone again, and my efforts to be good enough for him never worked. And even though I know that I'm good enough and that God loves me just as I am, I get scared that the next guy, even though it'll be years from now, will do the same thing. So, I work out every night, and I weigh myself every morning, and step off the scale disappointed, wondering how I'll ever be good enough for someone else, if I'm not good enough for myself.

I'm so sick of hoping that someone will tell me that I'm beautiful. There's no point, because I can't believe them until I believe myself. I feel so hypocritical telling all these girls how beautiful they are, and how they're loved, when I feel the same way they do.

It's not even just looking in the mirror and not feeling good enough. It's everything I've done that's strapped to my back. God's taken it all away, my shame and my guilt, but I always go back to it. I'm afraid everyone else has judged me on what I've done, only because I judge myself on it.

I want to believe that God loves me, and that He thinks I'm beautiful and incredible, and everything else that I hear all the time, but I can't when I judge myself so harshly.

In the Bible it says to love God, and to love people, and then love yourself. In that order.
I like to think I've got the first two down, but the third is the hardest.
I know all of the truths of God, I know that He is Lord, and He is good. I know it all, but I don't feel it most of the time. And that makes me feel like I don't know God at all. I'm blocking out God's truths with my own lies. These lies that I have produced and concocted on my own. Taking other people's remarks of me and opinions, and turning them into my own.

I want to be happy with myself again.

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. " - Genesis 1:27