oh boyss(:

There's something about you kid.
I don't know what it is, but it's definitely there.
I went to your play only because I promised I would.
And the play was good, but your acting skills are definitely what made it the most enjoyable.
You're the funniest person I've ever met.
(:

And then there's you. I just met you recently, but we have a connection. Although I don't think we think the same of that connection. And I really wish you would keep the promise you made me. I know somewhere deep down that I'm supposed to help you. I don't know why, but I know I'm supposed to.

Oh man. You drive me up the wall. But you mean the absolute world to me. I love spending time with you more than anything. And I always think you're mad at me because I care so much about you. And I hate the concept of making you upset. You're the only one I want a future with.

We have such an odd past. Best friends, liking each other, not talking, me being ignored, having a complete fall out. But for some reason, I know that there is supposed to be more to us than this. That we're supposed to be friends again in the future. I couldn't tell you why. But I know that we will be friends again. Maybe more than that. But I don't know if I really like that idea.


basically, these are just a few of the boys who've made a huge impact on my life.

curiosity is a thing of the past.

"Thanks for the car today babe. It made my day. You have come so far form when I met you and i am ooo sooo proud of you you'll never know. I know it's difficult going through all this crap on a regular basis, but you're strong I know it, so just hang in there and everything will be fine.

I've come so far? But what destination have I reached? Because where I am right now, is no place to be proud of.

Embarrassed. Rejected. Silent. Emotional. Ignored. Desperate.

How do you feel so many emotions at once? Isn't there such a thing as emotional over load?
Or is that called a breakdown?
I'm done with those now, though.
I let too many things get to me.
So now, when I see you look at me in the hallways I ignore you. And when I hear people talking about me when I walk by, I ignore them. And when someone talks to me, I ignore everyone.
Crazy, if you will, but it's working for me right now.

But then there is still Jordan and Ian, who make me laugh everyday in Math(:

What was up with you sweetie? You guys normally don't mind when I go to band practice and watch. Give a few pointers here and there. No one else minded, I wonder if you wanted me to leave, just so you could talk about me. I didn't think you were someone who would sink down to everyone else's level.

So in the end, who can you trust? Most people would say themselves. But I think I trust myself the least of all.

I wished I could rewind.

Is this why you're so angry with me?
Because I want you to come to church with me, just to see?
I know you have your beliefs. I just want to show you what makes me, well, me.
I'm sorry.

I hate school.
And I hate people.
I wish everyone would just leave me alone, and let me get through the day on my own.
So yes, I was sick today. Sick with my own thoughts.
I didn't go to school, because I felt sick to my stomach. And because I was worried I would just break down and not be able to do anything.

I don't understand why people think I'm such a whore. What is their definition? Because, I've never done more than make out with someone. But somehow, someway, there are rumors going around that I'm pregnant, and that I have an STD. How do you get an STD without having sex? I suppose if its hereditary, but I'm pretty positive I'm clean. And unless I'm the virgin Mary, I'm not pregnant. Who would I be pregnant by? I'm not dating anyone, and I don't plan on having sex until I'm married. So sorry for the people who like to talk about me, but your lies don't make any sense, whatsoever. But then, if its not true, why does it bother me so much? Maybe because I don't want people thinking things like that of me. Or that I lose friends because of it. Maybe that some people who have never even met me, already have a false idea of who and what I am.

p.s. I love how you went up to one of my best friends saying shit about me. And that he pointed it out to you. I hope you felt stupid and immature.

HA, you know what makes me laugh the hardest though? The fact that you've had sex with multiple people, but yet, me being the virgin, is labeled the slut.



on another note. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry that things I say to you bother you. If something I say bothers you, tell me, please? Because then I'll know not to say it to you ever again. I just want us to be okay. More than anything actually. I don't know how we have any hard feelings between us. Because somewhere deep inside, I know we both still have hope that everything will be okay. That maybe somehow, we're supposed to be together. But I don't like to think about that too much. I don't want it to be something else that bothers you. I don't want to be that annoying ex girlfriend, who always says she wants you back. You already have one of those. So maybe, I can remain your friend, and maybe someday, it'll be more than that.
But I do need to call you, and talk to you. I need to apologize to you.
Why do I always feel the need to apologize to you? Because when I do, you normally just say it doesn't matter anyways. Maybe because I know it does bother you, you just don't want to make me feel bad.

A world without hope causes pain.

Me, I'm used to being tired and bloody.
But you believed that I could be somebody- for the nights I can't remember by Hedley.

I never understood that about you. You thought I was someone. That I was worth your time. Your effort. I love that about you. You always encourage me. And you still haven't given up on me. Even with my low self esteem, and always assuming ways, you were always patient. And still are.

"And did you really look my way?
Cause no one could've seen this coming"

It makes me so happy that you were interested in me, out of all the girls you could have. You picked me. What made me so worth it?

"And what if I never told you I'm afraid to cry.
I wanna cry."

You always told me it was okay to cry. Even though I think it makes me weaker. You told me it would make me stronger.

"I'm so tired of running"

You knew that too. You knew I shouldn't run anymore. That I needed to stop and look around for a while. Did I ever tell you you're pretty much the most influential person in my life? Because you are. In a way, it's very bad. But for the most part its good.


When you smile at me in the hallways it makes my heart smile.
oh. uh. I suppose that's good. But it makes me feel absolutely horrible...


I need reckless. So badly. If we had it every night, I'd probably be the happiest person in the world.

The March
Thousands counted in estimation.
All with one common destination.
All made one mistake.
This is the price they pay.
One by one, two by two.
Rows and rows, all march to a wild beat.
Every one different. Consciouses the same.
Thought they had control.
Who's in control now?
Who watches them march guiltily?
They could have been saved.
Just needed to ask for help.
Just one person, anyone, to just be there.
But now, they march along.
Thousands counted in estimation.
All with one common destination.
One mistake they made.
This is the price they pay.

I don't have the greatest hold on reality.

I don't mean to sound angry in my blogs?
Especially not about you, but I always do?
I've never been thoroughly angry with you. I just get annoyed.

" All relationships go through that, when one person gets angry, and then their patience is much lower. But once you get through that patch, you'll both be happy."

But the thing is, we aren't dating? So, explain that? How will our relationship improve if there isn't one? haha, *confused*.

I'm so glad we talk every night again. My week felt slightly off without it.

I need to stop staying up so late. 'Tis messing me up(:

so, I know I'm a really touchy person, and a lot of people don't like it, but I'd much rather have people tell me, than have a mob of what I thought were my friends, come up and say I'm annoying, and too touchy. So basically, that made me really quiet today. I only really talked to Sam. And, I acknowledged Ian and Jordan, just because they make me smile(:
Okay, so if I'm so annoying why does anyone talk to me? Because a lot of the time I mind my own business at lunch unless someone talks to me.

SPEAKING OF LUNCH. I bought a wrap today right? Well I took a bite out of it, and there was something hard in it. And guess what? there was a twisty tie in my wrap. I almost ate a twisty tie. Nothing in my wrap comes in something that requires a twisty tie! buying pizza from now on.



"you say you gotta go and find yourself
you say that you're becoming someone else
don't recognize the face in the mirror
looking back at you
you say you're leaving
as you look away
i know theres really nothin left to say
just know i'm here
whenever you need me
i'll wait for you"- come back to me by David Cook.



*sigh* this came on the radio while we were talking about how you want to date me again when you're ready. It's things like this that make me think that we are supposed to get back together. So many things just click. And then there are other things, that are just so wrong. But not very many. You make me happy. When my phone starts ringing, and its your ringtone, I don't pick up immediately, because it explains everything so perfectly.
"waiting for your, call I'm sick, call I'm angry, call I'm desperate for your voice."- your call by secondhand serenade.

Where love never ends.

"I don't need you."
"why not?"

Because, I've decided not to wait for you anymore. Sure I'd still date you, but I'm not waiting for you. Also, I've come to the conclusion, that you are the example as to why I don't let people in. I let you in too far, and then I didn't know how to let you out.

I wasn't expecting you to call. I had gotten used to the idea of not talking to you for a while. I didn't mind talking to you, but I definitely wasn't about to open myself up to you again. You're gonna have to earn that right again.

ughhh, reckless. I love it. But I feel as though inviting you was a mistake. I love the fact that you got so into it though. But I didn't like how you seemed to get jealous when I was talking to Cam. Yes, it's true that kid has a crush on me, but we were just talking.

Mother, sometimes I wish you tried to understand me, rather than attacking me for no reason.

I wouldn't mind if you called again tonight. I wanna get you to open up. I don't know how though. You don't really let people in, and you have let me in pretty far. I just wanna understand you.

"I hung out with Jade today."

Oh, that's nice? I don't really care in the least sweetie, who you hang out with anymore. I'm not letting you effect me anymore. I think you expected me to react differently.

"you sound sad."

nope, not at all. Not in the least actually.

I think that if you and Jade ended up happy together, I'd be completely okay with that. Because you know what? She makes you happy. You said it yourself.

"I was the happiest I've been in a really long time."

Okay, cool. Good to know that I have never made you happy.

I wish she liked you. Because then maybe you'd shut up about her.

crap.

ooops.
you called me.
I'm stupid.
My badddd...