I wish I am the way I was.

And maybe, I'm bi-polar.
Would not be surprising.
I mean well, my Dad is...

And maybe you expect too much of me.
To tell you everything that's going on.
When you barely tell me anything at all.
Go ahead and take advantage of the fact that I don't break promises.
"promise we'll stay best friends?"
"always."
I'm keeping my end, can't you at least pretend to care about yours?


And maybe you made me weak.
I never used to cry.
But you just have this, I don't even know.
The fact that I told you everything that happened on Thursday within five minutes of you asking.
I refused to let you have this power anymore.
Why do you take advantage of me, so?


And maybe I didn't think I'd feel this way about you.
You make me incredibly happy.
I stop, leave everything behind when I'm with you.
I'm so glad I have you.
so, so glad.


And maybe you shouldn't be jealous of me.
"I've always admired that about you, your self confidence. The fact that you can go and talk to people, and not feel uncomfortable."
It's not that I don't feel uncomfortable, it's that I ignore it. I ignore everything.
I don't let things bother me.
At least, I don't let people see it.
Sometimes I don't even let myself see it.


I'm weak.



I swear I never meant to let it die
I just don't care about you anymore
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't care about you anymore- let it die by three days grace

You know it's true.
Don't deny it.
I'll call you tonight.
We need to talk.

I feel so pregnant right now.

So I'm home.
Well, no, not currently.
Right now I'm in Kevin's living room, where I seem to spend most of my time, nowadays.

I just choked on noodles that were not ramen.
yup, things like that always seems to happen.
Sometimes I have really good luck, but sometimes everything just falls apart completely.
Right now things are good, even though all my privileges have been taken away.
Doesn't matter, I've already found loopholes.
I love when my family acts really serious about something, but forgets about it later on.
Brush it under the carpet, and act like its not there.
Definite family motto.


I plan on playing videos games with Kyle and Kevin for a while.

Oh, and if you'd like to know about my weekend, feel free to ask.
It's so boring there's no real reason and writing it here.
But then again, do I ever say anything interesting?

It's like Jackie's girlfriend. She thinks I'm so funny, and I honestly don't understand.
I don't ever say anything funny. At least I don't think it's funny.
Oh, well, I suppose it's just another mystery of living...

desperate for a way out.

"There's something about you that draws people towards you. Almost like those things from Harry Potter. It's like your eyes entrance people, and you top it all of with that smile. Your facial expressions are always so insightful. I'd like to be the one who knows how you tick."

Absolutely not. I let Tim figure out how I tick, and he still doesn't know me.
Besides, I don't trust you. at all. And I'd rather not, ever.

But I don't know if what you said was a compliment or and insult.


And you, I should have ran back to you after you dropped me off.
I miss you terribly.

I miss everyone.
I love the voicemail that I got that had Kevin Ian and Chris all telling me they love me.
That made me feel important.
I didn't expect Chris to say it though.


Oh, btw, that episode the other night? Just another breakdown, I'm fine.
You can ask questions, I guarantee no answers.



Kyle O'Dowd is actually making me a mix tape. The world is officially coming to an end.
He doesn't make people mix tapes of his own music. ever.
Until now(:


I'm in Maine. It sucks here.
It's beautiful, and I'm getting amazing pictures.
But it sucks.
It smells like cabbage and my mom hasn't acknowledged me this whole time.
The only thing keeping me sane is Kevin's ipod, and my camera.
The lake might have something to do with it too(:

stop... blood...stop...

I never realized what its like to be in so much pain before.
Pop in a few pain killers, pop in a few more. And when that's not enough, just a couple more.
I don't really know how many I've taken.
I don't know why this cut won't stop bleeding.
And why I can't stop vomiting.
I hardly ate today. That muffin.
I didn't even eat all of it.
What's going on?


YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO GIVE ME RULES NOW. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE PAST YEAR AND A HALF WHERE I'VE BEEN MY OWN PARENT? I've done everything for myself. And okay, I leave messes. But that's just to prove to you that I still exist.
Stupid child services, you don't help anything, you ruin it.
All my privileges, everything is gone.
How many more times is she gonna take away everything good in my life?
SHE TOOK AWAY MY MUSIC.
please, stop bleeding.

she told him to. she told him to.
for once in my life. she told him to.


I need you so bad right now.
But you won't answer. You shouldn't be there to listen anymore.
pick up your phone...

Do you realize you had almost the exact same meeting with Noelle years ago?
Ha, oh look, she became pregnant at the age of sixteen.
stop repeating yourself.
you have problems.
go to counseling.
do something.

I don't need you.
You haven't been here. you can't just act like you have control over me.
You don't.
You never will.


no more trusting.
no more talking.
I'm done.

Green means go.

That face hurts my soul.
Eyes that could kill.
Constant thoughts of you, you give me a look too, but not so much filled with hurt, more waiting.
Your song is the one my heart beats along to.
Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. pulses through my veins like the blood that runs there.
That face, make it go away.
Shut up, shut up, shut up. No point in listening to your lies. Same ones you told forever ago. SMACK "what are you sorry for?" "I'm sorry for every thing." Your voice like thunder. Bruises leave, scars stay forever. Thoughts of the past sneak in, quick to slam that door in the face. No need for that visitor.
Your arms... Would it be the only safe place I've ever known?
Eyes so thoughtful, smile filled with hope. Sir? Why describe me in that way, I wonder?
Your arms... The thought lingers.

I actually love this assignment for English. Go for a walk, and then write about all the things you thought about. Oh, the joys of the poetry unit. I could get into this. I'll have to stay strong though, if I show any sign of being good at poetry in that class, the kids won't shut up about it.
I need them to just let me be...

You gave me a look I've never seen before.
I don't know how to describe that. It was like you were apologizing to me through your eyes, while trying to share another message with me. I just need to find the other message. I wish you'd just tell me what it is you were talking about in the hallway. It's rather clear that it is important, otherwise you'd have told me by now.

You gave a look too. But it was the one that instead of apologizing, makes me feel guilty, like I need to say I'm sorry. Not sure for what though...
You did apologize. You didn't mean it as much as you'd like to think. You aren't sorry, you think it all makes sense in the head of yours.

I was gonna ask you to go to the concert tonight with me, I think instead I'll ask if you wanna go to the orchestra one with me tomorrow.

I sincerely have the need to fix that saxophone of yours. That thing looked like what would happen if a saxophone was sent to hell.
p.s. I'd like if you'd call.


I quite like the music you're into it. It makes me feel happy.


I'm in a rather techno mood all of a sudden.
(:


And I do no prefer him over you. Think about things before you say them. Before you think them. I'd love to not hurt you by liking him, but that's not possible. But I do not in any way wish you didn't exist.
You mean a lot to me, don't forget that, okay?


Look over the surface and into the distance
Constantly showering me with decision- define a transparent dream by the Olivia Tremor Control

Looks like we both have a decision to make, hmm?
Go through with it or no?
"Green means go."
But what if the light is red?

I'm sorry that the look I gave you today, "pierced your soul".
Maybe that's the only way I'll be able to get in your head.

I can't stand to see you sad, I can't stand to see you cry.

I'm pissed at you.
Why would you act all supportive towards it, and then make me feel guilty about it in the end?
Yes, I really like him. Yes, I stayed on the phone with him. Yes, he likes me.
and most importantly, yes, I did give him a birthday card.
Because its easier for me to give him one, than it is to give you that specific one.
I hate how you react to me. Not just to me, everything. And it's true I don't give people birthday cards, but its not like I gave him the real one.

I do really like him. I love how easy it is to talk to him. How I told him more about what my dad used to do, than I told the state. Instant trust, instant bond. It's not normal. I keep trusting people too easily, and one day, I'll trust the wrong person.


Stupid Senior banquet, it would have been better if you were there.
Stuart wouldn't have bothered me as much. I would have had a reason to ignore him.
But I know how he is, he's found eyecandy, and he doesn't want me messing that up for him.
I honestly hate him, but I love him too. I can't stand how mean he is to me around people. But when it's just us hanging out, I... I don't even know. I just miss us, okay. I miss when you didn't do the things you're doing now. I wish you weren't as messed up as you are. I tried to fix you, protect you almost. There's nothing left for me to do, you're breaking me down. And I can't keep up.



I don't know what to say.
I need to stop for a little while.
But this all seems so good.
No way to explain it really.



And I lied to you last night. I do like him. And I am over you. The fact that you got all disappointed when I said I was going to talk to him, amused me almost.
"We just haven't talked in a while."
Well, sorry, but that isn't exactly my fault. You don't pick up your phone, and you shut down every chance we have to talk. You need to figure this out for yourself. I've decided for myself.
I love you, I do. But I've given up on you completely.



You hung up the phone, not either of us. So really, we didn't kick you out, you did exactly what you said you were considering doing.

Ich weiß nicht, jetzt was zu denken

I just had a really amazing writing moment.
The words just flew from the pen.
and my mind.
The night I met you the words came out easily too.
Odd how that works, mm?

I would write what I wrote in my notebook.
But it just isn't something I need absolutely everyone reading.
People ask too many questions.



You have a weird effect on me.
I don't really know what it is exactly.
But I like it.




*being too forward.*