If I was any better, God would be jealous.

A sense of exploitation that shouldn't exist.
Not here.
It's the only place I feel safe anymore.
Far away enough from home, close enough to civilization.
People I trust...
But do I really trust them?
Forcing me to get up when I fall. Telling me everything will be okay. Being there.
Being there for me, through all the lies I tell. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm just here to draw attention to myself. Attention I don't deserve. Lies I shouldn't tell. People who shouldn't care.

I just wanted to curl up and die in that chair.
I didnt want you to pay attention to me.
Not now.
Self examining myself. Again.
When do I ever stop?
Beat myself up for every thing I do.
And trust me, when I say I deserve it.
You can argue with me as much as you'd like, but that doesn't mean it's not true.
No one knows who I really am. Not the people closest to me. Or the ones who have always been around. You know who I am, when I'm around you. Not when I'm by myself.
When I want to hide in my closet from everything.
This world that I've created, imagined, it to be.
The one I can't change now. I've merged with it. I am it.
There's nothing here, that I have not caused.
I deserve hatred. The one thing I want, the one thing no one will give me.

I can't stop shaking.
My fingers beat faster than my heart ever will.
ever can.

I don't belong here.
This world is too good for me.
you may think it's pretty messed up, but you have no idea. Look through my eyes. Try to see what I see. Horrors you can't even begin to imagine. Things you wouldn't want to imagine. Lucky are the ones who live care free lives.

I should have a care free life. So why do I force all these terrors here?

People always say its not your fault, that the parent is pyschotic. Mad if you will.
But he never did anything for something stupid.
If I forgot a chore, let my room become a mess, talk back to my mother, that's when he'd strike.
It was always my fault. He was trying to teach me right from wrong. I was just so stubborn, I never learned it.

I wish I wasn't so lazy. That I could do schoolwork. Be in level fours, like I always dreamed I'd be. But now I concern myself with whether or not I'll be able to graduate with the few credits I recieved this year. My stomach churns at the thought of staying back.
It churns at the idea of people knowing how far down I've fallen.
This hole I've dug, if only there was a way out.
It didn't take me long to dig it. It'll take years before I can climb out.

"Come down
And waste away with me
Down with me " everlong by the foo fighters.

Save me. Please come back. And save me.
All I need now, is your support here with me.
You know I can't ask you, when will you come back, help me find my way out of this cage?

"Coming out of my cage,
and I've been doing just fine.
Gotta, gotta be down,
because I want it all."- mr. brightside by the killers.

A year goes by And I can't talk about it

MICHAEL JACKSON. BREATHE! COME ON BREATHE.
Ahhhh! this is not a good way to start the summer.

I didn't really say good bye to anyone when I left school today?
Mostly because it doesn't feel like the years over, and because anyone I care about seeing, I'll see this summer. Or, I'll try to.

Why do people think that's okay to continue what they're doing, even when told to stop?
You piss me off, because I don't like being touched by you. I don't like you always comparing me to you. I don't like that you think we're so similar, so you can do whatever you want with me. Because it's not true. I may have power over you, but not because I want it. You take way too much advantage over your physical power over me.
STOP.

I got a 92 on my English final. Was there ever any doubt?
I'd like to think that I didn't fail any of my finals, but that's doubtful.

I'm still grounded. But that's okay, because I don't wanna go to the river anymore.
I don't want to see either of you really.
I feel so bad about you. We should probably stop hanging out as much. I don't really see us dating again...
And you have just been pissing me off to no end lately.

"Why can't anyone stay mad at Meg? She's irresistible."
Um, well thank you Ian. But I'd like to know the actual reason.
Kyle said it's because his anger leaves when he's with me. But why?
A lot of the time, I can do something absolutely terrible, but everyone will still forgive me.
I don't get it. And I don't like this weird power I have. Maybe I will be the next Hitler... But I'd like to use my powers for good...

Maybe that's why I liked you so much. Because you're basically immune to my "powers".
You don't take my crap. You doubt me, you argue with me. You were the perfect match. Someone who likes me, but won't do whatever I tell them to. We're both strong headed. It was good for us. Thanks for the ride today by the way(: But next time let me choose what radio station we listen to, haha.
you made my day.

My stomach hurts. Like it actually hurts, its the first time in a very long time that it has actually hurt. Not because I was disgusted with something, or because I forced it to hurt, but because it just hurts.

I have a lot of plans this summer. But all of a sudden, I don't feel like doing any of them.
Obviously I will. I have to, in order to survive.


Budget cuts. Whatever. I can't afford band next year. Okay, cool, one of the only things I love anymore. Thank you fxcked up school system. Oh. no. wait.
Thank you Obama.
^^^Taylor will be pissed at that statement.

It's over:D

My top ten lists of this year?
Haha yessir.
lists... lets see if I finish any of them.


TOP TEN MOST INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE THIS YEAR.
1. Tim Wood. Through absolutely everything, you've been there for me. You don't always understand my motives, but you stand behind me anyways. I've messed up so many times, but you still forgive me. More than anything, I look up to you. Always.
2. Taylor Calabro. I instantly trusted you, maybe because Tim trusted you, and any one who has Tim's trust, must me trustworthy(: You actually listen to me, and never think I'm being stupid. I love listening to your voicemails, they give me a reason to get up in the morning:D You influence me in the best way(:
3. Aura Wood. We just became best friends this year. It made me so happy when you invited me to go to Reckless. You have helped me so much with finding my faith and sticking with it. And for that I owe you everything.<3>Joy Beachy. Whether she knows it or not, she always says something amazing. Especially in small group. She finds insights most people would completely overlook. She helps me so much(:
5. Xander Howard. He and I have gone through a lot of crap this year. We were best friends for a long time, and even he can't deny that forever. yeah, I liked him, but that was my mistake. He hurt me so much, but if he apologized, I'd forgive him for everything. He may have hurt me, but he has influenced me. I never said people who influenced me positively.
6.Morgan Coffey. So I had to go a while without her support, but thats because I messed up. I love her to death. When she comes running up rubbing her stomach, it makes me smile(it means she has good news :D) I'm so glad I have this friendship back.
7. Olivia Gunther. AHHH, we became so close over the merrow vista thing, especially since we both hated it. Or pretended to hate it(: We lost some of that closeness of the year though. Maybe due to lack of classes together, or not knowing what to talk about. But she always says the right thing at the right time, whether she knows it or not(:
8. Hugo Lin. He understands this world more than anyone else I know. Sure he might hate the world because of it, but he has the knowledge no one else has. I love talking to him, because he's so insightful. I love you(:
9. Kevin Kelley. Although sometimes it may not seem like it, I don't hate you. You just annoy me sometimes, because of the feelings you have, the ones I can't change. It's the fact that in the end I don't have control over the one thing I wish I did. I'm sorry for everything.
10. Nihco Gallo. I don't really care what Heidi thinks of me. She cannot just take away one of my best friends. Talking to Nihco was always amazing. Staying after school with him for hours just talking about stuff, meant the world to me. And then one day, I tried to help, and my whole world fell apart.


TOP TEN BEST FRIENDS THIS YEAR.
1. Tim wood.
2. Christopher Hughes.
3. Stuart Castillo.
4. Aura Wood.
5. Taylor Calabro.
6. Hugo Lin.
7. Olivia Gunther.
8.Kevin Kelley.
9. Kyle O'Dowd.
1o. Jane Apple

TEN MOST LISTENED TO SONGS THIS YEAR.
1. Everlong- The Foo-Fighters.
2. Your call- Secondhand Serenade.
3. Wonderwall- Oasis.
4. I Miss You- Blink 182.
5. Eighteenth floor balcony- Blue October.
6.Let it Die- Three Days Grace.
7. 99 Red Balloons- Goldfinger.
8. Cut me, Mick- Yellowcard.
9. Three Cheers for Five Years- Mayday Parade.
10. Runaway- Thriving Ivory.

GOALS FOR THIS SUMMER.
1. Go on the Reckless trip.
2. Walk to livingston and actually swim there:D
3. Get a job.
4. Go on a road trip.
5. Do something completely unexpected.
6. Find out the Indian cornerstore boy's name:D
7. Clean out that mini fridge, and use it.
8. Practice Saxophone at least three times a week.
9. Go somewhere amazing to see the stars.
10. Go to a lake with friends for the fourth of July.

TEN NEW FOUND FRIENDS.
1. kevin kelley.
2. kyle o'dowd.
3. nihco gallo.
4. toby fox.
5. emily eastman.
6. phil russano.
7. brendan langton.
8. stuart castillo.
9. taylor calabro.
10. tim wood.

TEN FRIENDS I RECENTLY REDISCOVERED.
1. olivia gunther.
2. jane apple.
3. ian burbank.
4. brandon christen.
5. hugo lin.
6. zane mcdaniel.
7. mike lazos.
8. nate cunha.
9. aura wood.
10.patrick tobin.



BLAH.
I'll finish this later when I think of more lists.
promise.


This year has been full of ups and downs.
First somewhat long lasting relationship.
First bad break up.
Bad rumors.
Best friends.
I'd tell you all about my year.
but I can't. So instead. Here are some highlights:
Band camp! it was amazing. I suddenly felt so at home(: It was a good way to start off the school year.
Merrow Vista. I found one of my best friends during those three days. Grew to know people I never would have met otherwise. I learned how to be a better leader(:
New Years. day after tim and I started dating. got drunk accidentally, spent the whole night by myself, while talking to tim on the phone. minus the drunk part, it was pretty good.
Music dept. semi. twas the day tim and I finally started ot tell people we were dating. after keeping it a secret for almost a month, I was ready to explode:D Besides my friends ODing on pills, it was a good time.
Amnesty trip. WOOO, yay for um human um rights with um abbey uhhh curtin(:
The day I realized Xander Howard is stupid. bahaha, this one explains itself.
The first time in almost five years. I'd really rather not explain this one. It involves my dad. And the people who need to know, do.
September 26th. the day I told about what my dad used to do. the day my whole world fell apart.
December 5th. doesn't matter why this day is important. it just, is.

I had my ups, I had my very low downs. I had firsts, I had lasts.
But in the end, I am no longer, a FRESHMAN.
That's all that matters, right?

I found old friends, I found new friends.
I discovered amazing music.
I found new hate for new teachers, I found new love for new teachers.
Mr. Tagalakis<3
Terrible things happened, I got over it with help from amazing friends.
Although bad stuff happened, in the end, I'll remember the good, view the bad as stuff that made me stronger, and live this summer up.
Not holding back next year. What ever happens, happens. I'll get over it.
This year has made me stronger, I've lived, loved, and learned.
And as of now, no regrets.

Rock on Summer of '09.
rock on.

secrets exist for a reason.

Jane baby I love you.
And I may not know the feeling, but I completely understand.
You deserve so much better.
You can talk to me, whenever you need me.

I'm currently eating goldfish and drinking arizona raspberry iced tea.
Why? because my friends are lame.
:D

I'm grounded. Chris and everyone were supposed to hang out with me today. Looks like I messed that up. Not gonna lie, though, I didn't really wanna go if Abby was gonna be there.


I was baptized on Saturday, and I do feel better. But I've also already messed up terribly. It's safe to say that I've mostly blocked out that night.

I didn't have finals today. But my stupid brother woke me up anyways. "Don't you have school today?" No I freaking don't, so leave me alone.
I hate him.

Thank you guys for bringing in my book today(:
I just didn't feel up to getting up for like ten minutes.

I'd tell you everything.
But sometimes its better to keep things to yourself.
I wish everyone would learn that.

Giving.

Just got back from graduation.
Nick gave me a ride home(:
Matt gave me twenty thousand hugs.
You gave me twelve thousand glances.
And Chris, well Chris didn't show up.

The actual graduation wasn't bad.
I didn't fall asleep, or think when it'd be over.
I was just cold the whole time. My only complaint.

I'm getting baptized tonight.
I'm so pumped.
Chris was so happy with me.
Oh, Chris Tapia, you and Aura are perfect together.

I'd like to go to Emily's party, but that would require missing curfew, and I've already been doing that too often.
I'll figure it out.

I'm lost without you.

I'm tired.
And no. I don't mean sick of everything tired.
I mean, physically, I'm just tired.
I promised Tim I wouldn't fall asleep when I got home. But I was just so tired.

I fell asleep in German, during the final, and wrote something along the lines of "The skirt on that elephant looks pretty." Only it was in German. Explain to me how you write things while you're asleep?

It's been raining all day, and now, I just want to sit on my roof, until tomorrow morning.
I'd love to talk with you on the phone all night.

Hey, you. You bailed on me tonight. I kinda figured you would, you have been known to do that.
Sometimes I don't know if its because you actually can't, or you just don't want to.
But hey now, I won't think like that.
Today's supposed to be stress free right?


I love hanging out with Taylor.
I bought him T-bell(:
We just talked about stuff.
:D



Oh, and I still care. It was extremely hard to not talk to you today. I told you, I have a hard time holding grudges, and even though you did something bad, I've already forgiven you.
I'll always be here.
And that, I promise.
I already know you've broken ours.
And that could be, the worst thing you've ever done to me.

I lied to you, to help you continue with the process.

I'm trying.
Trying to find that little girl that I lost forever and a day ago.
Not the little girl exactly, I need to find the woman she was supposed to become.
Because I know that this is not who she was supposed to be.

Jesua, you helped me so much last night.
Just talking to you for two hours.
We're so alike in so many ways. But people deny it.

Oh, and you. I am not anything like you. I became like you.
I adapt to whomever I'm around the most, and lately that's been you and Kyle.
So shove it. Don't tell me who I am.
No one knows, not even me.

Around Jesua, I feel like I can be myself completely. I can talk to him about anything, and he'll listen. Give a few words of wisdom, and then relate my story to something that's been happening to him in Texas.

I feel so terrible for him. He has only a few friends there. I don't understand. He's absolutely amazing. Full of knowledge, entertaining, open, religious. Best friend always. I promise.

Talking to you the other night helped too.
No serious conversation, not for the most part anyways. Until you decided we needed to ask each other questions. You know I have those questions I cannot under any circumstance ask you...

"scale of one to ten?"
"maybe a seven or eight."

To be honest, when you said that, I felt so happy. I shouldn't have. Because there's not really anything good that can come out of this.
And I'm sorry I was being so stupid. I just feel like I don't know you anymore. And I don't like that. Please just let me in again?


I need to find that girl, and who she was supposed to be when she grew older.
You said you'd help me.
Was that a promise?




I realized lately that I have a control over people, that I do not want.
I don't like it, and I honestly don't understand how I got it.
Can you teach me how to get rid of that control I have, too?
I'll teach you how to have it, if you teach me how to get rid of it.
You wouldn't have to use force or stubborn-ness to trick people into doing what you want anymore.
You'll be able to make them do whatever you want, and I know you of all people would not take advantage of it. But I, I do.
And I, I need to get rid of it.