Who's that?

There are always gonna be those people who you hope will somehow intersect in your life again. Even if that means willingly enduring pain. But sometimes... the pain is worth it.

And sometimes its not, but I try to fool myself into thinking it is. To call you and catch up with you. Catch up... Seemingly always turning into the same road over again. Let's take this time to go the road less travelled. Yes, I'm that creative that I am going to steal Robert Frost lines and act like it's okay.

I'm also gonna continue acting like my extreme lack of sleep the past few days is not effecting my writing. I always get a little too philosophical when sleep deprived. So... as my thoughts continue to all jumble together and make no sense(especially since I haven't really talked to anyone about anything lately[maybe I'm a little people deprived, too]), I'll just leave this here.

Sometimes, I guess my thoughts just don't make sense.

Cuz, well you know, it was never easy to say goodbye.

And we all try to act like we don't hold onto the past.

We don't want anyone to know how much it still hurts, so we sit and we pretend.

And it's so easy to play that game.

I wanna see someone: different.

Someone who doesn't let life push them around.

And will always give you a run for your money.

Well, its been said that's me.

But honey, if that's what you think, I dun think you know me at all.

I'll always give you a piece of my mind, and no I don't like to be pushed around.

But we all have those moments when its easier to just say yes.

No one wants to hear the word no.

Not when they're convinced it's their biggest desire of the minute.

So, go ahead and sit, and pretend.

But don't hope they're impressed.

Oh, so I guess you've heard I'm not perfect.

I hope it didn't break your heart too much.

On your marks, get set, GO.

Because no minute is ever like any other.

I get so sick of hearing of how everything's the same. How nothing's gonna change. You know sweetie, you could never look in my eyes and say that. Months ago I could've said the same thing. Looking back now, I'm sure glad you weren't right.

And my Jesus is the one thing I couldn't survive without.

You say I could.

Doesn't mean I would.

I have set the Lord always before me, because He is at my right hand; I will not be shaken. Psalm 16:8

"If I didn't know who you used to be, I'd probably like you now."
haha, okay.

Prednisone

Okay, so a few days ago I had an allergic reaction... we're not really sure what it was to yet. But, oh well.
My lips and hands were swollen, as well as my throat, and I had hives on my neck, chest, and behind my ears. Awesome right?
So I went to the doctor on Monday, and he gave me... STEROIDS.
Even more awesome.
Soon after taking them, I've become really moody, and its been extremely hard to sleep... Even with taking benadryl every six hours.
So I called my doctor and he told me that this is due to the steroids I've been taking.
WOOOHOOO.
I love being really irritable. Especially when I'm trying really hard not to hurt people, who would not normally be as annoying as they have been the past few days.


This whole experience is way too much to even think about... Did I mention the memory loss? ha yeahhhh. Don't try to have a conversation with me, if you want me to remember it, for the next few days. Because... I really don't remember anything other than what I've read, and reread in my text messages.

Okay, so thanks to everyone who prayed about it, and who were concerned about. If you guys could pray about the side effects that'd be spectacular.

Do you ever sit in the rain pretending that its washing all your problems away?

Do you ever drive past the houses of people you used to know, just to see if they still live there? Or maybe hoping they're outside, and will say hello?
Do your dreams ever have themes? A reoccuring event?
When was the last time you saw a rainbow?


I want you to tell me what you think love is.
^^If you have read this blog, take the time to leave a comment(or since thats apparently impossible, tell me on facebook) answering at least that question.

"But I need you to love me.

I won't keep my heart from you this time.

And I'll stop this pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have.

I need you to love me"- I need you to love me by Barlowgirl.

Ugh, these past two days have just not been worth it.

Bring my anger to God... I don't know how to do that without directing it at Him. And that's not something I want to do.

Today blew up in my face, really badly. And there was absolutely no way to fix it so everyone was happy.

Well, they ended up okay, but you know, I have feelings too.

If they could stop being trampled all over and then blatantly ignored, that would be awesome.

I'm not dealing with this anymore.

I am not dealing with people taking advantage of the way I am.

It's not fair to me.

And you know, all I can really do right now is repent.

I just haven't been myself lately.

It's dumb. I don't know who I am right now.

So when you ask me to hang out, I'll just put on a sign saying "be back soon".

Cause, I'm hoping for it as much as you are.

"And the night is so long when everything's wrong."

"The day I see your father angry is... You know, I can't even imagine."
I didn't even know what to say to this lady. She and my dad love each other... that's the most obvious thing in the world. But neither of them will take a step towards the other.
My dad uses Mel and me as an excuse, one that she accepts. But I know, he loves her too much to scare her away with his problems.
I want my dad to be loved, to feel loved, but I don't know. This lady... I don't know if she could deal with all of his anger problems.

I really hate learning things that my mom has said or done.
For some reason I still try to hold her on a pedestal. As though the past few years never happened. Like we're okay now, and she's just on another one of her weekend trips... One that's lasting a bit longer than the rest.
Like she's gonna come back and try to win us over with a cheap gift all over again. Her attempts at trying to get us to respect her, when she gave the least amount of effort possible.
Kind of like when I know I could ace a test if I tried. But I don't study, and barely get by with a 65.
But you know, she wasn't even giving that much effort.

Everyone's anger issues around here is really starting to rub me the wrong way.
I don't know how much more of this I can take before I boil over.
Two years of holding it in...
This isn't gonna last much longer.

God, help?

I didn't even write about how frustrating this night has been.
Gah, I really don't know how to vent do I?

And the taste of sin hung on his lips.

I found him!haha.

Love, Love, Love this man haha. Thank you for the multiple people who texted me saying who he is. Rob Bell is the essence of amazing haha. They used to show these videos at MCC wayyyy back in the day.He is amazing. You can find the rest of this video on youtube, as well as many others. And there are plenty of sites that have him on it. So go!I've been listening to him all day.

I'm trying to find these videos that this guy with blonde spikey hair did.
He was a christian, and the videos were wicked awesome.
If only I could remember the name... I think it begins with an N. The series I mean.

family is forever, minus a few years or so.

It's the story of history, and how it'll always repeat.
The tale of the most beautiful person you know.
A novel of the life of a simple person, that somehow makes a difference.

Spending time with family that you haven't talked to in six months, and haven't really talked to in years is rather interesting. It involves a lot of stories. Figuring out the important, and leaving behind the seemingly uninteresting.

I only got to see Justin for a little bit, we didn't talk very much.
He's such a good father. And he still has the same old sense of humor. The kind I take after. Jess, Mel and I talked about how different I am from everyone else in the family. How the only person I really look like is my dad and Melly. Personality wise I'm kind of the same as Justin. But I've always been the odd one out. But really, I'm okay with that.

I miss when I was younger. When I saw everything through rose colored glasses. When you still knew how to block out the bad, because when you're a kid, the worst that can happen is your mom doesn't let you have candy(Obviously there are some exceptions). When all you see, is all you know. The bad is orchestrated into normal. You don't know anything else, and you accept things as they are.
Don't get me wrong, I don't wanna go back, because I'd rather know the truth. To actually know the people you're living with. To know that they aren't faking it for you anymore. That you aren't even worth trying to fool.

I guess I never really talked about how bad things really were. I didn't see the need to. I don't want people's pity(Whether Bego agrees or not doesn't matter:P). And I never really have. When I do, its for small, meaningless things.
But I don't want people feeling sorry for me, which often happens when I tell my story. I don't want that. I want them to know that I made it through, and they can, too. That from my story, they can help other people. Understand a little bit better what it means to honestly not have a family. To see how difficult it is to try and sew everything back together.

"Family is forever"
But if it was never really a family, does it mean family is never?
Or does it mean, that sometimes you just have to get rid of the bad, and start over? That you can make it through anything with your family if you work hard enough? Because some of this family, is the reason we aren't one.


I know, I know. You wanna grow up, and then when you are, all you wanna do is go back to being young again.
Yeah, that happens to most people, but when your childhood was like mine, I would do anything to leave it behind. To move forward and feel no need to look behind me.

I want: to be a missionary
Junior year, here I come.
Cause yanno, I'm so sick of not being good enough.
and yanno, this is gonna be the year that changes it all.
Baby, there's nothing holding me back this year.

So, she said, "baby you know you're beautiful, inside and out"
And I say, "thanks Mom, they say I take after my dad."

Matt & Kim - Daylight

This song makes me so incredibly happy. Among others that I've randomly been finding.

I really need to stop blog stalking people, it's becoming an issue. And wayyy too much to keep up with.

I woke up at five in the morning today. It was just so hot, my body wanted me to do something about it. So I went upstairs and passed out in Mel's bed. Good thing she wasn't home :D

I woke up to find a voicemail from kenny that he left at one thirty in the morning. Literally ten minutes after I passed out. Our timing isn't so good sometimes. But guysss! He's back! And I'm ao excited. Maybe my summer will actually begin now.

You know what other song I love?

Number one Gun by The Victory. My choice in music as changed drastically lately. I'm finding I'm really into a lot of music that Mr. Kyle O'Dowd tried to get me to listen to a year ago. Oops.

So now my zune goes from african tribal music to Of Montreal to Metallica to Rap to who knows what else. I'd say that's pretty impressive.

I'm starving. But I've been too lazy to actually get up and get food lately. And then when I get up I pig out from lack of eating all day. This probably isn't the healthiest thing to be doing.

"All I want is to reach out For all of you, all of you.

It's the simple things that make me and take me, all the way."

I like songs that make me think of summer. Of certain feelings and memories. Those are the songs, to me at least, that are of real talent. Not the stupid catchy ones that everyone always has stuck in their heads, that stay on the top charts for MONTHS. So everytime you turn on the radio, its the same music every hour. And you can dance to them and sing along(all the while making yourself look like an idiot in the car next to you). But twenty years from now, they aren't the songs I'll remember.

I have to go to work today, which is okay by me, they have air conditioning! But I seriously need to eat and shower and stop acting like a hermit. I've barely been out of my house all summer. Nothing at all like last year. But I had a serious wake up call yesterday. One that I was okay with. If I'm going to be rejected because of who I've become, I'm okay with that. I don't mind. I like who I am, and I like who I'm around. I just wish there were more people that were home.

But like I said, Kenny's home! So that gives me one person I can spend some time with.

My sister-in-law Jess called me yesterday. Heyyy, I haven't talked to you since Christmas. I'm not sure whether to be happy she cared enough to call now, or to be upset she didn't care enough to call sooner. She and Justin had no idea what had been going on here for two years. And now, Justin wants to talk to me and ask me questions. Which usually turns into him scolding me for something... But I'm trusting God with this. His timing is perfect.

Time to live today.

"I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity"