traum

I fainted today.
It's been a really long time since I've done that.
Quite a few months actually.

I was sitting there, thinking about everything that's happened in the past like eight months.
Just reviewing it all.
And I re read my blogs.
I read that one that talked about you were worried that I wouldn't ever feel the same about you as I would about Xander.
But I think I felt better with you, about you.
So I sat there.
I thought of how I ruin everything.
And then everything got dark.
There was a tunnel, and the light at the end, was blurry. I couldn't make out what was there.
and then a few minutes later, I woke up. And I felt like I woke up from a dream. Like the past eight months didn't happen. I couldn't remember if I had dated you, or if that was just a dream.
I woke up, and I thought of how someone like you would never date me. But then I saw the teddy bear you gave me. And it all came back, all at once. I could barely comprehend it all. Every single memory. Every feeling. And then, well, I passed out again.


I'm not gonna call you until you call me. I can't deal with you not picking up.
not again.

"he said that he had a connection with her, and that he wanted to see what was there. He never said anything about not dating her. But I do know, that if he was in the same situation as you, he would have kissed her"
I threw up for twenty minutes after you hung up the phone.
When you said that, all I could manage to say was "oh". I wouldn't let myself start crying.
I've been letting that happen too much lately.

"It wasn't a mistake. I think you did it just because it was impulse. You both needed someone then."
"oh"
Taylor, you're too insightful, and I don't like it(:



Good bye Tim.
You can call if you want. And I'll talk to you. I'll explain everything. And I'll apologize. But I will not call you. And I will not give into you.

"He was my anchor. I just always felt happy with him. The happiest I had in a long time."
"Why can't you just have your own anchor?"
I don't know. I dont know why I let him be my anchor. I never let people be my anchor. ever.
now I can see why.
Even the people who say they won't ever leave, do eventually. I just had really hoped you wouldn't. I miss you.

pieces of the puzzle.

when you have all the pieces, you control that person...

you wrote that in your blog weeks ago.
Did you have all my pieces? Did you put every last jigsaw piece together?
Did you know you could control me completely? Did you know that telling me I'm going crazy, would make me do just that? Did you know that everything I've done in the past two days, feels right, but nothing has ever felt so wrong at the same time?
The fact that when we were standing in the park, my thoughts consisted of his reaction, what he would do at that instant, the fights we've been having.
How horrible I feel about making you so angry.
How badly I need to talk to you.
How I need to say I still miss you.
That maybe you're the reason this happened.
That this is the reason you won't talk to me.
I know I messed up.

I got needy, and clingy, and you were sick of it.
I made it seem like it was all about me, and its not. Not at all.
And if I barely exist on your mind now, I think I'd understand.
But it still doesn't stop the fact that I need to talk to you.


"I have to go think about stuff."
"like how you don't want to get back together with me now."
I'm such a self absorbed bitch all the time.
You have so much to deal with, and I just couldn't get that through my head.
Please pick up your phone so I can talk to you. please.
I need it. More than anything right now. I need to apologize for everything.

I can't stand the idea of losing you.
I've already lost you as my boyfriend.
I don't wanna lose my best friend too.
That's just too much to deal with.
You're my support.
You're the only one who I've shared all my secrets with.
You're the only one I trust completely.
You're the only who put together my puzzle, and still stuck around.
But there's a piece missing now. You can't call a puzzle complete if theres a piece missing.
Won't you put the piece back?

It's just us against the world

Melody, why did you decide to be born on this dayy?
even without trying you annoy me(:

Actually I've decided my sister is my best friend.
She always listens, and even though we get into arguments, we have to get through them.
Of course, in some of my stories, I don't give all the details. I don't want her to be disappointed in me, and not look up to me anymore. I think I need her to. I need someone to look up to me, in order to see the point in going on.


Your blogs make me feel horrible. They make me think. They also make me worry that you aren't as okay as you say you are.

you should go listen to drop the girl by hit the lights.
yup, descibes me.
as bad as that sounds.


so how long are you gonna ignore me?
I didn't think I was capable of making you this mad, considering I hadn't made you mad before.
Maybe, we needed this.
But maybe you doing that, caused all thats going on with me now.
Doesn't it bother you that I have all this stuff going on, and you have no idea?
It bothers me.
Quite a bit.


I've come to the conclusion, that it will take me a very long time before I get over him.
And I am sincerely sorry for that.


all of the things that I want to say
just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping inwards
you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here- you and me by Lifehouse.

infinite

Bad idea? maybe.
Mistake? possible.
Regret? never.

I know I act on impulse, but that was much further than I normally take it.
I didn't expect you to either.
Maybe we shouldn't have.
But we did talk about how, thinking about things, just messes them up, and acting on impulse works out better.
Maybe this time, acting on impulse, was a horrible idea.

I feel so confused.
About you.
About him.
About my feelings.


Sure, I felt infinite then. But I feel done now.
I came home and slept until five.
I was ready to just sleep for days.
So I wouldn't have to think about it.
Think about how we're both way too emotional, how I promised myself, among others, that I wouldn't do this, that I'm not ready.

I still have such strong feelings for him.
I do like you.

I called him, Greg picked up.
I just told him to ask Tim to call me back.

I needed to talk to you, to see you. You're the only one who can help me straighten this out.
I know you're mad at me, and I understand why. But I need you. So, please call?


I probably won't talk to you for a while.
I need to figure this out.
I need to decide where I am. Where I want to be.

"meg, will you go out with me?"
uhhh. No. not now. I can't do that now.
Maybe I won't ever be able to.
We'll see.
So, please, don't call me.

yes, I feel a connection, that is just too overpowering. Maybe thats why this happened.
I felt drawn to you?
Or is that just a fake emotion? one I made up?
I dunno.
I'm gonna watch very happy movies now, over and over.
Already watched Wizard of Oz.
Next is Mary Poppins.
then Love&Basketball.



"I spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean"- play crack the sky, by brand new

promises.

I didn't mean to make you feel horrible.
This is me, over reacting.
This is me, over dramatizing.
This is me, trying to ruin things for myself.

I don't know why I do it, and I really wish I didn't.
I wish I hadn't made you angry.
You've never been angry with me before.
I wasn't ready for it. But just because I wasn't prepared, doesn't mean I didn't deserve it.
Because I did.
I also don't ever try to make you feel like shit.
ever.
That's the last thing I want for you. I want you to be happy, always.
Most of the time I'm kidding around.

I'm sorry I make everything into such a big deal.
It's just, I think too much, and my mind wanders, and then I get confused.
I never meant to make you feel bad sweetie. Because I know you aren't doing anything.
And you shouldn't feel bad about it, because you didn't do anything.


"I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here.
'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here."- thats what you get by paramore


please don't call me.
I don't want to talk to you.

you made me hiccup.
I don't want you to have that power anymore.
so good bye.
maybe not forever, but for a while.

I'm down to just one thing.

I want to throw up until my innards bleed.
I walked by, expecting to just find you.
But there were two sets of feet there.
It was a cute picture, like something I'd take a picture of, but then why, why did I want to go to the bathroom, and puke until my head hurt?
I can't explain it, and how can anyone expect me to?
Instead of puking, I walked in, like I had planned to, to get the folder Stuart asked me to.
And I talked to you, both of you. I'm so glad Justin walked in, because I felt awkward. So awkward. How could I feel awkward? I don't get embarrassed, so tell me why I am now?
This is irritating.
I can't talk to you about it, without sounding jealous. So maybe I am? Just the fact that you two stand in there playing piano, just like we used to.

"I would have cried."
ahhh, Jenna, I love talking with you about things, just talking about life(:
But still, she made me want to cry.
wtf is this? I don't cry, I hate this more than anything.

I hate this so much.

I just started to be happy.
Why did it all have to fall apart?

"I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine"



"And I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside"- mr brightside by the killers

Ever wonder why people throw up on command?
You know that feeling after you throw up? Where you just feel so much better?
I love that feeling more than anything. Having control over my body, making myself feel better, just by throwing up everything.
For me it's also the idea, of getting rid of everything, the food, the acid, my thoughts.
I know that doesn't make sense, but I guess it's more metaphorical than anything.

lies.lies.lies.
Why do people lie to me to protect me?
I know when you're lying, and it hurts more than the truth would.

Have you talked to her about everything we used to?
Because it sounds like it.

I need a road trip.
I think I'll ask Taylor about that one.
Maybe he'll drive for miles with me to the middle of nowhere.
That is, when he gets a car again...


I need to talk to you.
Why is it that Emily told me about what you're doing?
This is not okay, and you disgust me.

I tried to tan today, but now my face is burnt, and my skin is a yellowish color.
So now I have squinty japanese eyes, and yellow skin, I'm becoming more asian everyday(:


"I still recall the taste of your tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore.

You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I'm down to just one thing.
And I'm starting to scare myself.
You make this all go away.You make this all go away.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have"- something I can never have by Nine Inch Nails


"Maybe when I'm out of yellow, I'll date again."
"me?"
"hopefully."

You say that on the phone, but at school you barely talk to me, you'll look at me, but that's it.
What that's all about? Andy talks to me more at school than you do. Never expected that...
So much for staying friends. You're only my friend on the phone, when no one else is around.
stupid boy.

who I am hates who I've been.

" 'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life."

"Were you in love with me?"
"no. why would you ever think that?"
"Your blogs make you sound like you were."

No, dear child, I trusted you with everything, except my heart. I don't trust people with that.

"Stop right there.
That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line.
Well I never should have crossed it."

"I miss you."
"why do you miss me so much?"
"I dunno I just do. Why don't you miss me at all?"
"I do miss you, I don't know why you think I don't, and why you think I think you're annoying. Because I do miss you, and you aren't annoying."


"Why do you miss me?"

"Stop right there.
Well I never should have said that
it's the very moment that I wish that I could take back."

"Just because we aren't dating doesn't mean I don't miss you. I miss your personality, and your laugh, hanging out with you."


"I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change."

Maybe if I had changed sooner this wouldn't have happened?
Maybe if I had been happy the whole time.
No regrets.

"I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough."

Ugh, its horrible, I talk to people, but I don't want to, I just wanna go sleep. When did this happen again? No No No. I'm happy, I'm fine. This has nothing to do with you. I'm just in yellow too. And I go there a lot more than you do.


I love how the science notebooks drive everyone in my class insane, but they make me happy. They made me wanna organize all my binders, and clean my room, and my house.
Thats another thing I do when I'm like this, I clean and organize. I hate cleaning, and I hate being organized. what's going on with me.


I told you that I think you and her will date sometime, I told her, too.
Case agrees with me.
I think that if you did date, it would make me happy, but it would hurt so much more.




"Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me."