traum

I fainted today.
It's been a really long time since I've done that.
Quite a few months actually.

I was sitting there, thinking about everything that's happened in the past like eight months.
Just reviewing it all.
And I re read my blogs.
I read that one that talked about you were worried that I wouldn't ever feel the same about you as I would about Xander.
But I think I felt better with you, about you.
So I sat there.
I thought of how I ruin everything.
And then everything got dark.
There was a tunnel, and the light at the end, was blurry. I couldn't make out what was there.
and then a few minutes later, I woke up. And I felt like I woke up from a dream. Like the past eight months didn't happen. I couldn't remember if I had dated you, or if that was just a dream.
I woke up, and I thought of how someone like you would never date me. But then I saw the teddy bear you gave me. And it all came back, all at once. I could barely comprehend it all. Every single memory. Every feeling. And then, well, I passed out again.


I'm not gonna call you until you call me. I can't deal with you not picking up.
not again.

"he said that he had a connection with her, and that he wanted to see what was there. He never said anything about not dating her. But I do know, that if he was in the same situation as you, he would have kissed her"
I threw up for twenty minutes after you hung up the phone.
When you said that, all I could manage to say was "oh". I wouldn't let myself start crying.
I've been letting that happen too much lately.

"It wasn't a mistake. I think you did it just because it was impulse. You both needed someone then."
"oh"
Taylor, you're too insightful, and I don't like it(:



Good bye Tim.
You can call if you want. And I'll talk to you. I'll explain everything. And I'll apologize. But I will not call you. And I will not give into you.

"He was my anchor. I just always felt happy with him. The happiest I had in a long time."
"Why can't you just have your own anchor?"
I don't know. I dont know why I let him be my anchor. I never let people be my anchor. ever.
now I can see why.
Even the people who say they won't ever leave, do eventually. I just had really hoped you wouldn't. I miss you.