the silence never changes

Everything in my life is just a pattern now.
everyday:
get a ride to school from tim, but dont really talk.
band, and then walk to science with joe bianchi
science, and then I walk to homeroom with Jenna, or Sam and Abbey.
homeroom, I sit there talking to Erika, and Megan, but I know she doesn't want me talking.
go to school store, and then go to study hall.
talk to sam, cam, and avery the whole time.
walk to lunch with cam, avoid you.
start lunch by talking to aura and giving alex a hug. ask james for money, if he says no, ask hugo.
unless of course I have my own money,then I go and buy a wrap. Get called over by Andy, everyday. I don't know why he does that.
walk to German with Kris. Unless he decided to walk with that girl.
sit in German, laugh with Hannah, get yelled at. copy the homework as Frau Moreau
reads off the answers.
talk to Taylor with Kris after German. Walk with Kris to math. Get there late.
Walk with Sam to English. Get Mr. Howe, completely off topic the whole class.
Watch Brady try to flirt with that girl, she thinks hes stupid.
Walk with Sam to civics, the only class I feel like I get anything out of.
Look for Tim to give me a ride, he's been ditching me lately though, so I've been walking home.
get home, eat food, fall asleep, ocassionally get woken up by Chris to hang out.
Wake up at about six, think about doing homework, but then don't do it. practice saxophone, wait for Tim to call. He doesn't anymore, and I feel weird calling him. So I try not to. Every few nights, talk to Taylor till like one in the morning.
Wonder what I'm supposed to fall asleep thinking about.
Because no matter what I do, I think about you, and I know I'm not supposed to, but I do.
And I wonder if you still like me at all, or if you just say that. If you think about me, and wonder the same things.

"Are you out of yellow yet?"
"no. not even close."
"can you sing to me?"
"no, you don't want me to."
"yes I do. I really do."
"Wonderwall or Chapagne Supernova?"
"both."


" I suck at singing now, I'm not gonna do it anymore."
I almost started screaming at you, but I didn't, because I was on a bus with people.
And I didn't want to disturb Abbey and that boy she was flirting with for four hours straight.
You, not sing anymore? I don't think the world would be as beautiful without your voice.
I thought it was weird too, because all you do is sing in the car, and everywhere.
I don't think you'd just be able to stop.
At least, I wouldn't want you to.
hahah, remember that time you made me sing silent night with you? Not the whole song, just what we remember. "Hold my hand and sing with me, pretend you're holding my hand, until you actually can."
That was when I decided you liked me, because it sure as hell sounded like it.
haha.

"I'm going to McDonalds to grab something for mel, do you want anything?"
"A burger."
"OH! shhhh."
"no mom, I stopped."
"AWWW MEG! I love you, this is the best gift you could have ever gotten for me."
first of all, I didn't stop being a vegetarian for you. I did it because it messed my body up.
second of all, that was the first time in a year you gave me a hug. Please don't tell me you've acted like you hate me for the past year because I didn't eat meat.
fuck you.

"You grow up fast and lonely
With the lines to mark your face
Bet you never felt so empty
Have you wasted all your days?"- light up mississippi by thriving ivory

you know how I thought I felt empty before? Well, now it's so much worse. The one part of my day that was always different, is disappearing.

Does anyone else think its weird that when I fell asleep on the bus, I had a dream that I asked Andrew Lavoy if I could cuddle with him? He said yeah, and we cuddled the rest of the bus ride.
And yes, it was a dream, thank God it didn't actually happen.