I can't handle this.
I can't move away from Reckless.
I can't move away from aura and kenny and lauren and everybody.
I can't do this.
I swear I'll die before you can ruin my life like this.

Nononono, please, I don't want to move.
Not to Maine.
Please no.
All I wanted was to talk to you about transfering schools.
Not transfering states.
I can't handle this. I can barely handle going to school, which is why I haven't been going.
and don't plan on returning anytime soon.


everythings seemed to finally be falling into place.
Please don't do this to me now

It's done.

Why am I so incapable of motivating myself to do anything?
I might as well just stop going to school, there's no point anymore.
I know that it's a stupid idea, but I can't handle it anymore.
I'm gonna go absolutely insane.
I need to be somewhere else.
I'm not going anymore.
And I don't care how hard my mom tries to get me to go. I'm not doing it anymore.
I don't care how bad of an idea this is, I just don't care.
Everything will be fine.
I'll be fine.
I just know, I'm not going back.
I've been too depressed lately, and I don't wanna be driven back to where I was last year.
Anything but that.
I'm not going.



"would you still love me if I was covered in piercings?"
"I would always love you, I just... might never touch you."

bahaha.
I'm glad we hung out today.
We never actually talked though, you know...

Isn't the moon pretty?

"I was just calling to let you know that I haven't forgotten about you, and that I do miss you."

You are possibly the sweetest boy I have ever met in my life.


So, I've never cried during a movie. I watched the new harry potter movie tonight, and was practically sobbing when Dumbledore died.
haha, I am so lame.

I don't have much to say...
My stomach flu is gone!
I feel fatter than usual!
and I can't wait till Miranda's party thanggg tomorrow!


BYE!

turkeyday.

Oh man, oh man.
Here goes a list of things I'm thankful for?
yeah, guess so.

1. RECKLESS! It's not even just so I can stay on track with God, it's just always the highlight of my week. No matter what.

2. Chris Hughes is coming back soon?! YES YES YES. I am so thankful for that. Babes I missed you so much. You mean the world to me. I wish you could stay longer than a month, but I understand that you have to go back. I love you to death, and you will always be my best friend.

3. Aura Wood you are absolutely amazing. And I am so sorry that I haven't been there for you as much as I should have been. I love you to death, you are my best friend. I love actually having a girl bestfriend. Someone I can talk to about anything. The fact that we can act completely stupid together, but think its the funniest thing. "I'm drunk off of Jesus!" I love you girly :)

4. Taylor Calabro? Yes. Absolutely. No matter what. I love you, so much. And I miss you terribly. Not a day goes by when I don't regret what happened between us. If I could take it all back, I would. Nothing means more to me than your advice, and your constant willingness to be there for me.

5. Kenny Hollingsworth :D You're special. In a good way :) "Give me your AIDS!" I love you so much. You are always there(except for when you're grounded, WHICH IS ALWAYS:P), haha, but really, you try to be there for me as much as you can be. You're the only person I've ever met, who when they don't know what to say, just gives me a hug instead. You don't try to sugar coat anything with your words. You're the only one who understands, that sometimes words don't need to be spoken.

6. So I see you in the hallway, and I've realized how strong you've made me. You always did the best you could to help me, to be there for me. You amaze me, but I worry about you so much.
I miss you, but that's okay, because it just reminds me how I need to stay strong.

7. Ian Burbank, you are amazing. In every essence of the word. We don't even have to talk about everything, and sometimes we get so far off topic. You get annoyed with me though. "so... nevermind." "NO, what?" "nevermind." "no! Meg I wanna know!" "I forgot.."
You make me smile, and just at the right moments too. I may not trust you completely, but I should, because you deserve it.

8. I'm thankful for my family. Because no matter how bad things get, they could always be worse.

Psalm 69:30: I will praise God's name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.

My mom's boyfriend is here.
Perfect start to a terrible weekend.

he said good morning with a bright smile on his face.

"you're better than the best. I'm lucky to just linger in your light."- smile by uncle kracker.

I am not ruining this for myself. Nonononono.
I messed up last night.
I'm not gonna tell you about it though...
You don't wanna know.
I don't want you to know.
haha, now you're gonna ask about this...


I STILL NEED TO TALK TO YOU :D
and I'm not gonna do it tonight.
just so you know :)


But last night was extremely stupid.
And I knew it while I was doing it. I kept thinking about how I should stop. But I didn't.
I'm just stupid, that's all.


I remember waking up and seeing a man out my window working on the telephone line.
He smiled at me and said good morning. I smiled and said thank you, and told him to have a good one, too. Then I remembered it was the morning of the yardsale.
I bounced out of bed, and got dressed, and hurriedly ran out the door.
The tent was already set up. The exercise machines were on the front lawn, and there were already people parked up and down our street.
Both my parents were wearing silly fanny packs to keep the money in.
There were people from church everywhere, saying hello, and that they were happy to see me. It was a really sunny day, so I took off my favorite red sox jacket, and put it on our stone wall in the backyard.(Later on I found out someone bought it, and was extremely upset :D)
I remember going through my piggy bank trying to find all my "shiny money" so I could buy little trinkets and stuffed animals. I'd go up to someone working and ask them how much something was. They always said, hmmm welll, I'd say its about ten cents. And I'd always exclaim about how good of a deal that was. I'd give them ten cents, and continue on my merry way.
I was only about eight years old, and I don't know why I remember this day so clearly.
I remember my parents being really happy at the end of the day for raising so much money for the church. And when it was all over my mom made soup and biscuits and we all watched a movie together. It was such a good day.
I try not to think about these things. The good ol' days when my family was together and happy. Well, for the most part.
Things were never perfect or anywhere close, but they were better than they are now.

I only forget, because its less painful than remembering.

maybe it is more than just a word...

You make me happy whether you know it or not
We should be happy that's what I said from the start
I am so happy knowing you are the one
That I want for the rest of my days
For the rest of my days
For all of my days

You're lookin' so cool you're lookin' so fly,
I can't deny that when I'm staring
You down right dead in the eye
I wanna try to be the person you want
The person you need
It's hard to conceive
That somebody like you could be with
Someone like me

I'm happy knowing that you are mine
The grass is greener on the other side
The more I think the more I wish
That we could lay here for hours and just reminisce

You're lookin so fresh
It's catching my eye
Why oh why did I not see this before
The guy* I adore was right in front of me
And now I'll take a step back and look in your eye
And ask why it took so long to see
We're meant to be

I'm happy knowing that you are mine
The grass is greener on the other side
The more I think the more I wish
That we could lay here for hours and just reminisce
On the good, the bad, the ugly
The smiles, the laughs, the funny,
Or all the things we put each other through
It's for you for you for you

You make me happy whether you know it or not
We should be happy that's what I said from the start
I am so happy knowing you are the one
That I want for the rest of my days
For the rest of my day

I'm happy knowing that you are mine
The grass is greener on the other side
The more I think the more I wish
That we could lay here for hours and just reminisce

*changed from girl to guy, for obvious reasons :P

nine times he uses the word happy in this song, and I still don't think its enough to express how happy you make me.
:D

You take me as I am. No critiques, no comments, nothing but sweetness and compassion.


It's kind of hard though, yanno?
I've been trying to be in control of my emotions like I used to be, but then when I'm around you, they explode everywhere all over again :)
It's safe to say I've never felt this way about anyone before.
I feel no need to do anything more than what we've done now.
And that's pretty much nothing XD
I wish I saw you more.

I've never felt these feelings before. and I want them to stay.
I want you to stay. always.

Sure, it may be a little far fetched in some people's eyes.
Okay, so he's only sixteen, and I'm only fifteen, but I'm almost positive that this will work.
But who knows, it's all God's plan, not mine.
I can definitely say that God is pointing me in this direction though. And with the instructions of "be careful, don't give into temptation, and don't be so forceful" in mind, I'll continue with this in a Holy manner.

hahahahahha, people are so gonna read this, and say Meg's crazy :)
And then you'll read it, and it'll make sense to you, but I may just be crazy.

Is there SLT this week?
oh man, I hope so.

P.S. I still need to talk to you :)
But I'm making you wait a week, or at least until you call.
I wonder if this was just an evil scheme to get you to actually call me during the week :P
I can be quite devious you know.

I am running on no sleep still, and I kind of think I'm going pyscho.

Have you seen this girl?

It was kind of silly for me to write that comment on your blog...
You'll probably never see it, and even if you do, you'll delete it.
You don't know the person who wrote it, not anymore.

I think this was better than calling you though. You could have hung up, or never listened to the voicemail. But people tend to feel the need to finish reading something. Well, at least I do.
Everything I said in that comment though, was true. And it always will be.

I have Reckless tonight. So pumped :D As always.
But maybe more, because you're teaching.

It's two o'clock, and I haven't showered yet.
I am the definition of disgusting.
And you are the definition of a liar.

I'll always find it weird, that I believed you. The lies that you said frequently and the ones not so frequently. "I love you." "I'll never leave you." "How could I ever forget you? I promise I never will." "I'll never hurt you again."

I could just be silly, for believing that anyone could do any of these things.
Somewhere deep down, I knew he would hurt me, that he'd leave me.
But I wanted with all my heart, for him to be telling the truth.
And I've always wondered, that if you believe something so strongly, that to you it isn't a lie.
So you didn't know you were lying. But you always were.

"don't you forget about me."

My mom and I have been getting along.
My dad doesn't drive me insane.
My sister and I talked about what she's been doing.
Taylor and I talked, and I think we both realized something.
Ian and I talked, and I realized something.
Everything is just fine.
I've learned to face my fears without needing someone beside me.
Maybe because there wasn't anyone left to be there...
I thank you for that.
Maybe after all, this was just another lesson.

I hope your nightmares go away. I hope I never cause them.

INFLUENZA.

So, I have the flu.
I haven't gone to school at all this week.
I feel absolutely terrible.
But I NEED to go to Reckless on Saturday.
I don't even know if I can, my mom might not let me.

Oh, and Austin Reddington, you are officially my hero.
Thank you so much for helping me out with the English project.
I was worried you guys would be in trouble since I haven't been there.
But you pulled through, thank you so much :)

Its so stupid, the fact that its the beginning of the semester, and I will already have FIVE absences.
I have skill, obviously.

ugh.
I miss seeing people.
Andrew called me today so we could hang out.
I really wanted to hang out with him, but I felt so miserable.
I miss him :/
I haven't seen him in like, a month and a half, and its not okay.


Not much has happened all week.
I've been sitting here.every.day.

Except, I hung out with Peter and Ben yesterday.
Kenny was supposed to be there supposedly? But he had youthgroup.
Me and Ben went to Tacobell and only took like twenty minutes to find it XD
Then we picked up Peter, and then I went home.
Its kind of awkward being around Peter lately, and I'd rather not explain why.


yeah, well, I feel like I'm gonna be sick.
So I am going to go throw up the brocolli and cheese my father was oh so kind to bring me.
Graphic? sorry :P
bye.

TWLOHA

When my friends do it, it hurts wicked bad. Seeing the cuts on their wrists, the scars. And when you ask them about it "It helps me feel better."



When I see the cuts on my baby sisters wrists, and I ask her about them, she says, "I've only done it once."

But once always turns into more. And more turns into a regular habit. A regular habit turns into a severe problem.



It scares me when my friends do it, but this is my baby sister. The only person in the world I would do ANYTHING for. And now all I wanna do is take the pain away. I want her to have more friends, for my mom to not yell at her, for her to feel beautiful.
I want to protect her from everything, but I know I can't. And this is evidence enough.

There have been times when I have wanted to cut myself. When I have wanted to throw up.
But I never can. Theres always something inside me that says I need to stop, that I'm stronger than this.
But am I strong, or am I just a coward?

I am not going to school tomorrow either. I am staying home with my baby sister, and spending time with her.
I am sorry about my group project that is due tomorrow. Maybe you guys will think of something. I'll pray about it.
I just know, that I can't make it through the school day tomorrow.
Not now.

get down with the sickness.

I feel like I'm completely disconnected from that group now.
I don't really talk to anyone in it anymore.

And as for the awesome squad, the same thing applies. Excluding Chris.

School is stressful, friends are stressful, my family is stressful.
The only thing that doesn't stress me out, is talking to you, and it seems like we'll be doing less and less of that from now on.

Yes, I'll wait, but I cannot say I'm not disappointed.
December 13 was so exciting, but now to think that I might have to wait years, is almost torture.
So I guess we'll go on dates, and technically be together, but we won't be allowed to call it "boyfriend/girlfriend". That is going to get annoying. Explaining to people that I'm dating someone, but not really?

ugh, whatever.

yeah bye.

"don't think this is a clean slate...I'm destroying your slate, there is no second time around"

*giggles*
I think you may be the stupidest person ever.
But I think its finally sunk in that we aren't friends anymore.
A complete meltdown the other night, and no one to call.
Is this what it feels like to be left alone?
I guess so.
But I'm glad that you can maybe be happy without me in your life.
I wanted to apologize for every time I've hurt you, or made you upset, or needed you too much.
I still love you a lot. But I no longer have any feelings for you.
I would never try to forget you, because thats just a little bit worse than hating you.
To be honest, I'd rather have you never talk to me again, but still have our memories, than to forget it all.

I wanna see you tonight. You make me extremely happy.


I do not like being told what to do, and I don't like being told what I should be feeling.
I don't care if you think my reasons justify my emotions or not. Because they are MINE, and not yours.
I don't care how you think I should handle these situations. I have my own ideas about them, and they will be carried out how I see fit.
I thank you for your input. But I do not thank you for analyzing me, and my choices.

Walking at a slow pace through the parking lot.
The sun was glistening off the blonde of her hair.
She could feel the heat through her sweatshirt.
She started to fall behind her friends more and more.
As she walked and thought.
How is it possible to feel so much guilt for something you haven't done?
For something one of your friends has done, but yet you're guilt ridden instead of them.

She looked up to the clear blue sky and wondered how things would be different if she could change whatever she pleased.
The way that boy knew the right things to say at the right time.
Parents who won't take responsibility.
A girl who seems to have changed, but it can't be taken for sure.
Just anything.

So she walked, and when she got in the car, she stared out her window.
She saw the people walking down the street, and she felt calm.
She saw the river running, and wished she could be as free, but as reserved as the river is.

She knows shes a disappointment, she knows shes an inspiration.
And still she doesn't understand.
There's always been a difference between knowing, and understanding.
She knows theres a difference, but she doesn't understand it.

She got out of the car, and felt the sharp pain pierce throughout her body. So unlike the electric feeling she had felt a few hours before when he held her hand.
Everything changes. Different feelings always have the same base root.
Love and hate can be the same thing.

And so now she sits. She sits, and thinks about all of these things, and wonders if any of them make sense. Or if she's just trying to be a river. She knows how, but she doesn't understand.
She prays someday, she'll be free, but have complete control.
That she won't be able to change anything. And that everything will just be as clear as the bright blue sky.

People never look at both sides of the story.
They see that one person did something wrong, and there's absolutely nothing that can be done to justify it.
Even if there's a perfectly good reason for the actions that were taken.

I think I'll go into this more later.
Now i have SLT.

bye.

paranormal activity.

I spending thanksgiving alone this year. WOOO.
My mom is going to Maine, my sister is going with my dad.
and me? I'm sitting in my room all weekend.


Filming all day was fun.
"LIKE A SHEEP?!"
" I AM THE LORD OF HARVEST!"

I love my friends. Sooo much.


yeah okay, goodnight.