just so I can put my thoughts somewhere.

I've been chasing these dreams all over the place.

People see God every day, they just don't recognize him.

People only wanna get to know you, to find your secrets. The darkest thing you hide is the ultimate prize.


I've never been good at showing emotions, but when I'm around you, all of that changes.


I have your guitar pick in my pocket. And that's where it will always stay.


"Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is... Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever."



It's the curiosity you feel when you see someone new. Or when you know someone wants to tell you something, but refuses. Or even a mystery you just want to solve.


God understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them.



"I've got a feeling if I say this loud enough. You will sing it back to me."



Everything has a reason.
Every door that closes, or one that opens, has a purpose.
Whether we go through the open door, or if we try to open the closed ones, well that, that is our decision. Some doors close, to never be opened again. To lock it and never look back. Some close, just so we can try to open it again, to remember all the things that the door leads to. And some open, just to tempt us, to test us, even. It's our decision to decide what doors we go through, and which ones we lock forever.
Just remember though, never, ever, lose your keys.

pretending.

Sometimes I don't realize how I affect other people.
How strongly, how often.
I like to pretend I live in my own little bubble, where nothing I do, hurts anyone else, and nothing can hurt me.

It's like when a child is young and thinks that if they can't see you, you can't see them.
So they proceed to put their hands over their eyes when getting yelled at, or even in a game of hide and seek.

If I cover my eyes, maybe no one will see me.

But that's not the way it works.
I don't have a bubble around me, and people will still see me. They'll just think I'm being silly.
The things we do, do affect other people.
Positively, and negatively.


I learned yesterday not to follow my heart, but instead to lead it.
People say they were just following their hearts when they do something wrong.
But if your heart is leading you to sin, or do something that will greatly hurt other people, then you shouldn't follow it.
Following your heart off a cliff is the same as sinning.
If your heart was telling you to jump off a 12 story building, you wouldn't do it.
So why do we follow our hearts to cheat, or lie, or deceive people?
Don't follow your heart. You're in control of it, so instead of following it, lead it.

This is something I'll need to work on.


Sometimes I like to pretend that the mistakes, and the failures early in my life won't affect my life later on. That all the failed classes and laziness will just disappear by the time I'm an adult.
But that's not the way it works either.
Our mistakes follow us, but that doesn't mean we have to let them control everything we do.
And most of the habits I've gotten myself into don't disappear in a click of my heels.
They take time and effort to end.
Time and effort I'm finally willing to give.


So I've decided that I'm going to get the love dare book. Not for a boy. But for my mom.
She's been so sweet lately. I'm not gonna say it's because Brad's around. But that could very well be why.
All I know is, Melody and I are terrible to her. If there's anything awkward in the love dare book, I'll skip it. But I'm pretty sure that most everything in there will help earn her trust in me back.

Okay. I've been rambling.
Time for church!
:D

rawr.

People should comment this blog.
Because comments make me happy.


I am currently wicked sick... again.
Sore throat, runny nose.
So it's not as bad as previous illness. But I hate sore throats.

I am watching Wayne's World 2.
Because I'm a winner.

Christmas... I didn't end up working at the soup kitchen. I was wicked disappointed.
But I went to the Hughes for breakfast, and then spent the rest of the day with my dad.
Giftcards? yes. Awesome.
To all my favorite places? yes. Even more awesome.

Still have to celebrate Christmas with my mom and all my siblings.
Fantastic.

I'm extremely excited.
For no apparent reason... :D

Ugh.
My throat hurts really bad.
This was supposed to be a good blog.
Like with poetry and stuff.
Oh well.

Merry Christmas.

The smell of evergreen fills the house.

frustrated.
disappointed.
annoyed.
confused.
happy.
thoughtful.
excited.
anxious.
sad.
chipper.

all these emotions at once can be hard to handle.

frustrated- school isn't going the way it should be for me.
disappointed- the fact that you have fallen so far down. and I can't do anything about it.
annoyed- The Christmas spirit just isn't in my house anymore. Any spirit at all, for that matter.
confused- I thought you forgot about me?
happy- we've come so far along, so easily. It only gets hard from here on.
thoughtful- the joys of Christmas are everywhere, it just takes a keen eye sometimes.
excited-for tomorrow. and the next day, and the next.
anxious- to see what you'll do next.
sad- watching my dad in the holidays in the saddest thing, ever.
chipper- because I am finally content with everything.

you are deceitful. Dishonest. Forever assuming. And the worst part is, you don't know it.
and I surely won't be the one to tell you.

grrrr. my internet turns off in six minutes.
I really hate having a limit... not to mention I haven't finished the homework I needed to do for health...

So, we had to do this survey thing for health, to determine the cost of a baby for a year.
$15,872.
If there was ever any doubt, I am definitely not having kids now.


Christmas party for SLT tomorrow.
These are the things that make me happy.


Time to go make Christmas cards. Goodnight

Have you given a piece of your heart away?

I haven't blogged in five days... what?
The last time that happened was because of summer.
Everything was so good, or not worth mentioning.
So I only wrote about ten blogs.
People always yell at me when I don't blog.
So here it goes.


Miscommunication is fun.
But that's over now.
And I like it a lot better the way it is now :)

I finished Kenny's present. And he liked it.
It was a scrapbook/notebook thing.
It took me FOREVER.
Now I just need to finish my other seven hundred presents before Christmas.

It's a good thing my mom is making us wait a week before we celebrate Christmas.
There is no way I could pull everything together before Friday.
So all I need to do now, is pull everything together for my Dad and friends.

Aura.
Lauren.
Miranda.
Cam.
Josiah.
Chris.
Bego.
Mutt(:D)
Nick.
and Andrew.
I don't know about the last three though...
I don't even really know them anymore.
And as for Bego, he always seems mad at me when we hang out now.


My sarcasm has gotten kind of out of control.
I didn't even realize how bad it was.
It's driving me insane.


Reckless yesterday was absolutely amazing.
I was in a really bad mood for most of it.
But during worship, I broke down.
Everything I've been holding inside lately.
Everything that Corey and Nate have talked about at Reckless hit me.
Not because I've had my heartbroken, or given pieces away.
But because of more than that...

My mom bought a tree... its my height.
We normally get like, seven foot trees.
This is weird.


Christmas Party on Tuesday. Wicked excited.
White Elephant anyone?

The definition of love, please?

Did you know I love you?
This is real love, this isn't what I say when someone does something for me, or is being nice, or just themselves. This is the real deal.
I was always scared to actually love someone, but I realized that's never what I've been afraid of.
It's falling out of love that terrifies me.
Thinking you found the right person, the person who fits you, and then one day, they don't match you anymore.

Scary to think about, isn't it?
You spend all your time thinking about how you wanna spend forever with them, and you daydream, and you hope and pray. And then something happens, and you don't want to spend forever with them, and you hope and pray that they won't take it too hard.
Why does it happen?
Maybe because we're teenagers. Most teens change on a weekly basis.
If you're constantly changing, you can't find your match, because your match changes as frequently as you do.


I understand this, and I'm not letting it get in my way.
I have something on my side that most people don't.

It's weird to think about.
I am definitely not in a position to be in a relationship right now.
I have a lot of repair work to do first.
But, why on earth do I think I'm ready to be in love with someone?
I do love him, there is no doubt about that.
He is my match, and I am determined to make sure it stays that way.


I'm too much of a flirt.
I'm still working on that.
I'm still working on quite a few things.
Tearing down everything, to build it to be better than ever before.
Piece by piece, day by day.
One day, it'll all work out.

It's all about perspective.
Some people may think I'm unhappy, some will think I have a great life.
Like I've said before, I never fake happiness.
If I'm smiling, its because I feel happy.
Not because I'm covering something up.

I don't have a perfect life, I don't have a life anywhere near perfect.
But I do in fact, have a great life.


All I have is yours.

When yesterday seems longer ago than it was, and the weekend never comes.

For the days when the world is beautiful and all white.
When everything seems calm, even if only for a second.
The moment you walk outside, and you're greeted by the sounds of winter.
For the days when the good times don't last, and the bad ones never end.
There's a lullaby that comes along with winter.
Listen closely.
The creaking of the trees, the whistle of the wind, the crunch of walking through the thick hardened snow.
Listen closely, and your dreams will be sure to follow.


You express your emotions through singing.
I express them through words.
Most of the time, the important ones never reach my blog.
Someday, I'll write something that will hopefully show how I feel about you.
I don't think I can pull the right words out of my vocabulary and put them in the right order.
But who knows, maybe I will. And maybe, that will be your Christmas present.

you randomly calling just to sing me a song, is what makes me love you.

old decaying tree.

Ignore my post from yesterday.
I wasn't mad at you, I had a good day.
Until I got home.
But isn't that the way it always goes?

My mom went away for the weekend.
Apparently Lauren's sleeping over tomorrow?
RECKLESS.
Maybe I'll actually get to talk to you about what I need to.
church Sunday.
oh, and of course, homework.


Just smile.
Even if it starts out as a fake smile, you can make it real.
I don't fake smiles, ever.
Smiling shows that you're happy, but, you can smile to make yourself happy.

Mr.Sterling wanted to know why I didn't stop smiling during band today.
I told him that I finally understood.
Which he didn't understand.
But it doesn't matter.

"According to you I’m stupid, I’m useless, I can’t do anything right. According to you I’m difficult, hard to please, forever changing my mind."

"But according to him I’m beautiful, incredible, he can’t get me out of his head. According to him I’m funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted."

It's such a change.
The future doesn't scare me anymore.
My past is free, and I don't care anymore.
I had a another dream about xander.
But get this, it was me saying goodbye.
cool huh?
:D



"Like branches on a tree, we may grow in different directions, yet our roots remain as one. Each of our lives will always be a special part of the other..."

HA.
I know I wasn't gonna write anything about you.
But I had a dream about you, too.
I saw you for the first time in like five years.
I was married, and you weren't.
You had a part time job.
A small dirty apartment.
And nothing you wanted for your life was happening.
It was extremely sad.
I felt horrible.

That quote on your profile.
I hope to God that isn't about me.
When you chop down a tree, the roots eventually shrivel up and die.
You chopped down our tree, it isn't still growing.
I planted a new one, and your roots are no where to be found.
And I have feeling that this tree, will be bigger and more beautiful than that tree could have ever been.


So, I can't promise I won't think about you, and that you don't still affect me.
Because I do, and you will.
But that doesn't mean anything.
You were a big part of my life.
Bigger than anyone else.
But you left like everyone else does.
This time though, I expected it.
I don't cry myself to sleep, I don't think about trying to get you back.
You'll always mean a great deal to me, but in the past tense.


I get to see you tonight.
And I am so excited to be able to actually talk to you :)
No interruptions.
:D

In the middle of a breakdown watching you scream.


I saw you tonight.
cool.
bye.

snowgiant!

Gooooood day.
I have a ton of homework to do tonight.
Another all nighter?
you bet.


I GET TO SEE YOU TOMORROW.
so.excited.


I can't wait till the city is covered in snow, and everyone has their christmas lights out.
Best thing about winter.
Besides the obvious answer of Christmas.
But this year isn't gonna be that great.
My mom will be gone, and I have to spend the day with my dad.
We'll go to a homeless shelter like last year and work all day.
I don't mind much, I love being there helping.
I wish I had time to volunteer there more often than just Christmas day.
It's no big deal though :)
When I have time, I'll try.

Love is like a shooting star.

Why am I so jealous of you?
Maybe because all my best friends that I lost, are now yours.
It's frustrating watching you, because you annoy me so much, but I barely know you.
But, I look up to you too.
I have no reason to dislike you, you seem pretty cool.
I think I just hate how I lost everyone, and it seems like they replaced me.
Oh well, this honestly has nothing to do with you, yourself.
It's just my own stupid emotions once again.


I had a good day taking pictures with two of my favorite people.
I need to learn not to sink so low after I get home from a good day...

I was really looking forward to seeing you today.
You weren't there...
I wrote a note to myself reminding me that I'm lucky to see you as much as I do.
Who knows, maybe I'll see you Thursday :)

perfect hot cocoa.

I manipulate everyone around me.
wayyy too much.


baking cookies, watching the notebook, getting hot cocoa and chinese food with laurennn! and andy.
I'm starting to get those signs.
I don't want them.


I miss you :)
And I can't wait to see you tomorrow.



DID I FORGET TO MENTION CHRIS CAME OVER TODAY?!
Ilovethatboy<3

We were always meant to say Goodbye

I had a weird dream that I could make three wishes a day.
And instead of wishing for things I really wanted, I wished to fix everything with you and me.

I sat there thinking about how if I tried to fix other situations, it'd make them worse too.
How if I tried to fix my relationships with people, they wouldn't be as strong as they could be.

So instead I wished that you would call, and talk to me, and just tell me everything thats been going on. That we could be friends again.

It was stupid.
And I will promise that as of today, I will never blog about you again.
That I won't spend time thinking about you, and what's wrong with you.
It's a waste of time.
You will from now on, always be a waste of time.
I'm done.

Just another perfect day in a year of imperfection.

I don't know what it is about this song, It makes me so happy, for no apparent reason.

"Its the feeling I get, my arms would sweat, like some kind of daydream I'd never forget. I'm stuck in this spin, where does it begin? By touching the edge of her skin." It could just be the singers voice. He always captivates me.


Pastor Dave said to me that if you feel guilty after you do something, it means you're more conscious. That if I was guilt free, it'd be much worse. I asked if it was awful that I knew when I was doing something wrong, but I didn't stop. He said that if I do it often, it's a problem, and that I should pray about it. I have a problem.

It's just another huge lie I tell that everyone believes. I wish someone would call me out on it, so maybe, just maybe, it would bring me down to earth. Maybe it will help me stop.

Why has everyone been talking about cheating lately? I wish I could drown out things I don't wanna hear. Not my flaws, I appreciate when people point them out, it helps me fix them. I wish I could drown out sex jokes, swearing, gossip, just the things that aren't helping me with my journey. Who knows, maybe I can drown it out.

"Could you be the one whose not afraid to look me in the eye?" This song has played at least twenty times now.

I made a mistake last night. I knew I would regret it right after I did it. I did it anyways. It wasn't a sin, just something I'd have been better off not doing.
I needed to tell you... I didn't. I rambled on, but I never said it. And now, it'll never be said.

I went to the hairdressers today. She cut my hair wayyyy too short. And I am not pleased.
I just wanted a trim :(

But anyways, I was walking home, and it was mostly dark outside. Except, there was still some traces of the sunset in the distance. On the cities horizon, with the bright orange surrounded by the dark night sky, with the buildings all lit up, and the city ablaze, it was beautiful.

"I have to tell you that I cant stop thinking about you"

So many things in my life are amazing, absolutely beautiful.
Someday, I'll learn how to love the good things, and let them outweigh the bad.

"Meg, you need to get up. You need to think about how hard I'm trying for you. How hard this will be, but without your cooperation, nothing can happen."

I'm sorry. I'll try harder now. I promise.

"If you do this for me, I will do anything you want me to. NO listen, ANYTHING you want me to."

Thanks. I'm not interested. Not in the least.


p.s. that song is called you make me smile by Blue October.

"He only wrote it, so you would react. And because you did react, he got what he wanted."

It's been a month or so. I'm calling you.

Do hard things.

My posts have been short lately.
I've been happier.
But that doesn't change the fact that I might move.
That hopefully I won't, and I'll just transfer.
That'd be good.
That's what I'm waiting for. When my dad calls me and says, "everythings all set, you'll be able to go there in a few days."
That, would possibly be the best thing I've ever heard in my life.
I shouldn't expect it though, its not very likely.
I'm allowed to have dreams, right?
:)

forty pages of homework. How come everyone actually starts assigning it when I'm out of school?
This is gonna be a longgg week.

I'm waiting, waiting to see your reaction.
If you'll have one at all.
You might not, you might not for a while, but in the meantime... I'll be waiting.

Family meetings are always stupid.

I hate irony.



I might not be moving.
There's gonna be an intense family meeting tonight.
I'm gonna break down, no doubt.
Hopefully it'll be done in time for SLT, if we have it...