traum

I fainted today.
It's been a really long time since I've done that.
Quite a few months actually.

I was sitting there, thinking about everything that's happened in the past like eight months.
Just reviewing it all.
And I re read my blogs.
I read that one that talked about you were worried that I wouldn't ever feel the same about you as I would about Xander.
But I think I felt better with you, about you.
So I sat there.
I thought of how I ruin everything.
And then everything got dark.
There was a tunnel, and the light at the end, was blurry. I couldn't make out what was there.
and then a few minutes later, I woke up. And I felt like I woke up from a dream. Like the past eight months didn't happen. I couldn't remember if I had dated you, or if that was just a dream.
I woke up, and I thought of how someone like you would never date me. But then I saw the teddy bear you gave me. And it all came back, all at once. I could barely comprehend it all. Every single memory. Every feeling. And then, well, I passed out again.


I'm not gonna call you until you call me. I can't deal with you not picking up.
not again.

"he said that he had a connection with her, and that he wanted to see what was there. He never said anything about not dating her. But I do know, that if he was in the same situation as you, he would have kissed her"
I threw up for twenty minutes after you hung up the phone.
When you said that, all I could manage to say was "oh". I wouldn't let myself start crying.
I've been letting that happen too much lately.

"It wasn't a mistake. I think you did it just because it was impulse. You both needed someone then."
"oh"
Taylor, you're too insightful, and I don't like it(:



Good bye Tim.
You can call if you want. And I'll talk to you. I'll explain everything. And I'll apologize. But I will not call you. And I will not give into you.

"He was my anchor. I just always felt happy with him. The happiest I had in a long time."
"Why can't you just have your own anchor?"
I don't know. I dont know why I let him be my anchor. I never let people be my anchor. ever.
now I can see why.
Even the people who say they won't ever leave, do eventually. I just had really hoped you wouldn't. I miss you.

pieces of the puzzle.

when you have all the pieces, you control that person...

you wrote that in your blog weeks ago.
Did you have all my pieces? Did you put every last jigsaw piece together?
Did you know you could control me completely? Did you know that telling me I'm going crazy, would make me do just that? Did you know that everything I've done in the past two days, feels right, but nothing has ever felt so wrong at the same time?
The fact that when we were standing in the park, my thoughts consisted of his reaction, what he would do at that instant, the fights we've been having.
How horrible I feel about making you so angry.
How badly I need to talk to you.
How I need to say I still miss you.
That maybe you're the reason this happened.
That this is the reason you won't talk to me.
I know I messed up.

I got needy, and clingy, and you were sick of it.
I made it seem like it was all about me, and its not. Not at all.
And if I barely exist on your mind now, I think I'd understand.
But it still doesn't stop the fact that I need to talk to you.


"I have to go think about stuff."
"like how you don't want to get back together with me now."
I'm such a self absorbed bitch all the time.
You have so much to deal with, and I just couldn't get that through my head.
Please pick up your phone so I can talk to you. please.
I need it. More than anything right now. I need to apologize for everything.

I can't stand the idea of losing you.
I've already lost you as my boyfriend.
I don't wanna lose my best friend too.
That's just too much to deal with.
You're my support.
You're the only one who I've shared all my secrets with.
You're the only one I trust completely.
You're the only who put together my puzzle, and still stuck around.
But there's a piece missing now. You can't call a puzzle complete if theres a piece missing.
Won't you put the piece back?

It's just us against the world

Melody, why did you decide to be born on this dayy?
even without trying you annoy me(:

Actually I've decided my sister is my best friend.
She always listens, and even though we get into arguments, we have to get through them.
Of course, in some of my stories, I don't give all the details. I don't want her to be disappointed in me, and not look up to me anymore. I think I need her to. I need someone to look up to me, in order to see the point in going on.


Your blogs make me feel horrible. They make me think. They also make me worry that you aren't as okay as you say you are.

you should go listen to drop the girl by hit the lights.
yup, descibes me.
as bad as that sounds.


so how long are you gonna ignore me?
I didn't think I was capable of making you this mad, considering I hadn't made you mad before.
Maybe, we needed this.
But maybe you doing that, caused all thats going on with me now.
Doesn't it bother you that I have all this stuff going on, and you have no idea?
It bothers me.
Quite a bit.


I've come to the conclusion, that it will take me a very long time before I get over him.
And I am sincerely sorry for that.


all of the things that I want to say
just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping inwards
you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here- you and me by Lifehouse.

infinite

Bad idea? maybe.
Mistake? possible.
Regret? never.

I know I act on impulse, but that was much further than I normally take it.
I didn't expect you to either.
Maybe we shouldn't have.
But we did talk about how, thinking about things, just messes them up, and acting on impulse works out better.
Maybe this time, acting on impulse, was a horrible idea.

I feel so confused.
About you.
About him.
About my feelings.


Sure, I felt infinite then. But I feel done now.
I came home and slept until five.
I was ready to just sleep for days.
So I wouldn't have to think about it.
Think about how we're both way too emotional, how I promised myself, among others, that I wouldn't do this, that I'm not ready.

I still have such strong feelings for him.
I do like you.

I called him, Greg picked up.
I just told him to ask Tim to call me back.

I needed to talk to you, to see you. You're the only one who can help me straighten this out.
I know you're mad at me, and I understand why. But I need you. So, please call?


I probably won't talk to you for a while.
I need to figure this out.
I need to decide where I am. Where I want to be.

"meg, will you go out with me?"
uhhh. No. not now. I can't do that now.
Maybe I won't ever be able to.
We'll see.
So, please, don't call me.

yes, I feel a connection, that is just too overpowering. Maybe thats why this happened.
I felt drawn to you?
Or is that just a fake emotion? one I made up?
I dunno.
I'm gonna watch very happy movies now, over and over.
Already watched Wizard of Oz.
Next is Mary Poppins.
then Love&Basketball.



"I spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean"- play crack the sky, by brand new

promises.

I didn't mean to make you feel horrible.
This is me, over reacting.
This is me, over dramatizing.
This is me, trying to ruin things for myself.

I don't know why I do it, and I really wish I didn't.
I wish I hadn't made you angry.
You've never been angry with me before.
I wasn't ready for it. But just because I wasn't prepared, doesn't mean I didn't deserve it.
Because I did.
I also don't ever try to make you feel like shit.
ever.
That's the last thing I want for you. I want you to be happy, always.
Most of the time I'm kidding around.

I'm sorry I make everything into such a big deal.
It's just, I think too much, and my mind wanders, and then I get confused.
I never meant to make you feel bad sweetie. Because I know you aren't doing anything.
And you shouldn't feel bad about it, because you didn't do anything.


"I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here.
'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here."- thats what you get by paramore


please don't call me.
I don't want to talk to you.

you made me hiccup.
I don't want you to have that power anymore.
so good bye.
maybe not forever, but for a while.

I'm down to just one thing.

I want to throw up until my innards bleed.
I walked by, expecting to just find you.
But there were two sets of feet there.
It was a cute picture, like something I'd take a picture of, but then why, why did I want to go to the bathroom, and puke until my head hurt?
I can't explain it, and how can anyone expect me to?
Instead of puking, I walked in, like I had planned to, to get the folder Stuart asked me to.
And I talked to you, both of you. I'm so glad Justin walked in, because I felt awkward. So awkward. How could I feel awkward? I don't get embarrassed, so tell me why I am now?
This is irritating.
I can't talk to you about it, without sounding jealous. So maybe I am? Just the fact that you two stand in there playing piano, just like we used to.

"I would have cried."
ahhh, Jenna, I love talking with you about things, just talking about life(:
But still, she made me want to cry.
wtf is this? I don't cry, I hate this more than anything.

I hate this so much.

I just started to be happy.
Why did it all have to fall apart?

"I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine"



"And I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside"- mr brightside by the killers

Ever wonder why people throw up on command?
You know that feeling after you throw up? Where you just feel so much better?
I love that feeling more than anything. Having control over my body, making myself feel better, just by throwing up everything.
For me it's also the idea, of getting rid of everything, the food, the acid, my thoughts.
I know that doesn't make sense, but I guess it's more metaphorical than anything.

lies.lies.lies.
Why do people lie to me to protect me?
I know when you're lying, and it hurts more than the truth would.

Have you talked to her about everything we used to?
Because it sounds like it.

I need a road trip.
I think I'll ask Taylor about that one.
Maybe he'll drive for miles with me to the middle of nowhere.
That is, when he gets a car again...


I need to talk to you.
Why is it that Emily told me about what you're doing?
This is not okay, and you disgust me.

I tried to tan today, but now my face is burnt, and my skin is a yellowish color.
So now I have squinty japanese eyes, and yellow skin, I'm becoming more asian everyday(:


"I still recall the taste of your tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore.

You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I'm down to just one thing.
And I'm starting to scare myself.
You make this all go away.You make this all go away.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have"- something I can never have by Nine Inch Nails


"Maybe when I'm out of yellow, I'll date again."
"me?"
"hopefully."

You say that on the phone, but at school you barely talk to me, you'll look at me, but that's it.
What that's all about? Andy talks to me more at school than you do. Never expected that...
So much for staying friends. You're only my friend on the phone, when no one else is around.
stupid boy.

who I am hates who I've been.

" 'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life."

"Were you in love with me?"
"no. why would you ever think that?"
"Your blogs make you sound like you were."

No, dear child, I trusted you with everything, except my heart. I don't trust people with that.

"Stop right there.
That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line.
Well I never should have crossed it."

"I miss you."
"why do you miss me so much?"
"I dunno I just do. Why don't you miss me at all?"
"I do miss you, I don't know why you think I don't, and why you think I think you're annoying. Because I do miss you, and you aren't annoying."


"Why do you miss me?"

"Stop right there.
Well I never should have said that
it's the very moment that I wish that I could take back."

"Just because we aren't dating doesn't mean I don't miss you. I miss your personality, and your laugh, hanging out with you."


"I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change."

Maybe if I had changed sooner this wouldn't have happened?
Maybe if I had been happy the whole time.
No regrets.

"I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough."

Ugh, its horrible, I talk to people, but I don't want to, I just wanna go sleep. When did this happen again? No No No. I'm happy, I'm fine. This has nothing to do with you. I'm just in yellow too. And I go there a lot more than you do.


I love how the science notebooks drive everyone in my class insane, but they make me happy. They made me wanna organize all my binders, and clean my room, and my house.
Thats another thing I do when I'm like this, I clean and organize. I hate cleaning, and I hate being organized. what's going on with me.


I told you that I think you and her will date sometime, I told her, too.
Case agrees with me.
I think that if you did date, it would make me happy, but it would hurt so much more.




"Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me."

Maybe.

Was it just me, or were we both really touchy?
You kept grabbing my hands, and my legs.
Maybe you were just doing it because I kept punching you, but even when I wasn't, and I was just playing with your hair, it seemed like you came up with any excuse to touch me.
I didn't mind, I wanted to hold your hand. When we were looking at each other with a few inches between our faces, I wanted to kiss you, just to assure myself that we'd be okay.
But we aren't now are we?
You say you still like me, you don't act like it.
You look at me like you miss me, but you don't seem like it.

I want to say I miss you, I want to hug you, I want you to know I'm still here.
Taylor thinks we need to ween off of each other, but I don't think that'd help me very much.
Maybe it'd be better for you, who knows.
But then again, you called me to hang out today, not the other way around.
I feel like you needed to talk to me about something, but couldn't bring yourself to do it.
Were you gonna say you didn't want to talk to me anymore?
Or maybe you just wanted to hang out.

"you move around too much."
"I needed to run."
"okayyy?"

Of course you didn't understand, I didn't expect you to.
I needed to run and organize all my thoughts for a minute.
you're the most confusing person I've ever met.
You kept analyzing my legs.
I know that's one of your favorite things about girls, haha, their legs.
But why were you analyzing mine?
It was kind of awkward the whole time, because I could feel you watching me. Maybe you weren't, but I felt like you were. Who knows what you were thinking when you grabbed my hands. Maybe you thought it was awkward, maybe you didn't wanna let go.
I didn't want you to let go, but at the same time, I did.

When Case called, I wanted to lean into your body. I wanted to feel safe in your arms.

"And I will rise on wings of eagles
Soaring high above all my fears
I rest in your open arms."

So maybe I'm clingy? Or just maybe I know that this was too good to let go of.
But all in the same, I'm afraid you'll get annoyed with me, and not like me anymore.
Because when I say I don't know if I'd take you back, I'm lying.
I know I would. Without hardly any hesitation.
Maybe we will go back out, maybe we won't.
Maybe you want to, maybe you don't.

"I remember when we used to laugh about nothing at all
It was better than going mad
From trying to solve all the problems we're going through
Forget 'em all
Cause on those nights we would stand and never fall
Together we faced it all"- those nights by skillet

I wish we still talked till one in the morning. I wish we could talk about stuff, instead of avoiding it. I wish we were still happy. I wish I could still make you smile. I wish we could just go back to the way we were.

I'm taking this one day way out of proportion.
I can practically guarantee you aren't thinking about any of this.
You have way too much other stuff on your mind.


"Stay up late and we'd talk all night
In the dark room lit by the TV light
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive" -those nights by skillet

hit rewind, just so I can live through our memories one more time.

the silence never changes

Everything in my life is just a pattern now.
everyday:
get a ride to school from tim, but dont really talk.
band, and then walk to science with joe bianchi
science, and then I walk to homeroom with Jenna, or Sam and Abbey.
homeroom, I sit there talking to Erika, and Megan, but I know she doesn't want me talking.
go to school store, and then go to study hall.
talk to sam, cam, and avery the whole time.
walk to lunch with cam, avoid you.
start lunch by talking to aura and giving alex a hug. ask james for money, if he says no, ask hugo.
unless of course I have my own money,then I go and buy a wrap. Get called over by Andy, everyday. I don't know why he does that.
walk to German with Kris. Unless he decided to walk with that girl.
sit in German, laugh with Hannah, get yelled at. copy the homework as Frau Moreau
reads off the answers.
talk to Taylor with Kris after German. Walk with Kris to math. Get there late.
Walk with Sam to English. Get Mr. Howe, completely off topic the whole class.
Watch Brady try to flirt with that girl, she thinks hes stupid.
Walk with Sam to civics, the only class I feel like I get anything out of.
Look for Tim to give me a ride, he's been ditching me lately though, so I've been walking home.
get home, eat food, fall asleep, ocassionally get woken up by Chris to hang out.
Wake up at about six, think about doing homework, but then don't do it. practice saxophone, wait for Tim to call. He doesn't anymore, and I feel weird calling him. So I try not to. Every few nights, talk to Taylor till like one in the morning.
Wonder what I'm supposed to fall asleep thinking about.
Because no matter what I do, I think about you, and I know I'm not supposed to, but I do.
And I wonder if you still like me at all, or if you just say that. If you think about me, and wonder the same things.

"Are you out of yellow yet?"
"no. not even close."
"can you sing to me?"
"no, you don't want me to."
"yes I do. I really do."
"Wonderwall or Chapagne Supernova?"
"both."


" I suck at singing now, I'm not gonna do it anymore."
I almost started screaming at you, but I didn't, because I was on a bus with people.
And I didn't want to disturb Abbey and that boy she was flirting with for four hours straight.
You, not sing anymore? I don't think the world would be as beautiful without your voice.
I thought it was weird too, because all you do is sing in the car, and everywhere.
I don't think you'd just be able to stop.
At least, I wouldn't want you to.
hahah, remember that time you made me sing silent night with you? Not the whole song, just what we remember. "Hold my hand and sing with me, pretend you're holding my hand, until you actually can."
That was when I decided you liked me, because it sure as hell sounded like it.
haha.

"I'm going to McDonalds to grab something for mel, do you want anything?"
"A burger."
"OH! shhhh."
"no mom, I stopped."
"AWWW MEG! I love you, this is the best gift you could have ever gotten for me."
first of all, I didn't stop being a vegetarian for you. I did it because it messed my body up.
second of all, that was the first time in a year you gave me a hug. Please don't tell me you've acted like you hate me for the past year because I didn't eat meat.
fuck you.

"You grow up fast and lonely
With the lines to mark your face
Bet you never felt so empty
Have you wasted all your days?"- light up mississippi by thriving ivory

you know how I thought I felt empty before? Well, now it's so much worse. The one part of my day that was always different, is disappearing.

Does anyone else think its weird that when I fell asleep on the bus, I had a dream that I asked Andrew Lavoy if I could cuddle with him? He said yeah, and we cuddled the rest of the bus ride.
And yes, it was a dream, thank God it didn't actually happen.

free minded

"Remembering. You know in movies, well, my life is playing like that, I'm just remembering everything."
"It makes me think of what I'm looking for."



Why did I ask you to hang out with me today? How can someone who used to make you so happy, make you want to cry with everything they say?
The things you said today, are the things that made me like you so much, but now they just hurt.
"I've only had one crush this year, but I don't know who they are yet."
That was the cutest thing you ever said.
Remember when we used to tell each other pick up lines?
You're favorite was always "ever wonder why you have spaces between your fingers? It's so my fingers can fit there."
Remember that day that you said our hands fit perfectly together? yeah, well it's a shame that our lives didn't.

"you're making me sad, you can stop now."
"Trees make me think of people, every tree is different, so is every person."


"And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again" - everlong by the foo fighters

"what does this song make you think of? Look at the words"
"It makes me think of a man who is completely happy with whoever he's with. What does it make you think of? Listen to the words."
"It makes me think of what I'm looking for"

What happened to being happy with me? What happened to you being able to see me as your high school sweet heart. I've reverted, because I want you back, I want you to help me again. Even if I don't need your help anymore. I want you back. And I don't know what's wrong with me, I almost had a breakdown when I was with you. What is going on with me? I can't stop crying when I think of you. The fact that I'm not the one you're looking for anymore. That I never was. The fact that you'll be happier with whoever you date next, than you were with me.

I lied, you know? When I said I wouldn't wait for you. I'll always wait for you. Because when I sang along with you, I was happy. Fully and completely. Why couldn't you feel it, too?

I had to get out of the car when you said that, I couldn't let you see me cry. I couldn't let you see me lost again. It was almost like you made me complete. And I know you so well. I knew you were gonna take me to livingston. I don't know how, but I knew.

We stood there, looking out at the pond. The stormy grey sky overhead. We stood there, and we just watched. I don't know if we thought the same thing, but I do know that we felt the same way. You wanted to leave because it made you sad, I wanted to stay because it made me sad. You don't like that feeling, I love it. While I stood there by myself, while you were on the bench, I could feel you watching me. No idea what you were thinking, but I know you were watching. My hair was blowing in the wind, and for some reason, I just wanted to take a dive into the pond. I wanted to feel the cold all around me, as much on the outside as I feel on the inside. I thought of what you'd do if you saw me jump, would you join me? would you shout at me? or would you dive in after me, just to save me. Just like you used to do. Just like old times.

"What does this whole thing make you realize?"
"It made me realize that being friends with you, will take a lot more effort than I'm willing to give."

I lied again. I want to be friends with you, I do, but just the thought of you makes me want to go back to everything I gave up. Being without you, just makes me sad.


"you're free minded, that's something no one else has."
"And that was enough to balance out everything else?"
"yeah, yeah it was."

Why isn't it anymore?

oh boy. oh religious boy.

As I sat in the nursery with those woman of all ages, I kept thinking how amazing it was, to witness all these different aged women in christ. We all talked about our faith in christ and how proud we are to be part of his family.
Except me, I didn't say anything. What was I supposed to say? My faith is very weak right now, and God isn't the most important thing in my life? Saying that would have made me look pathetic, like a fake believer. Especially since the woman who baptized me was in that very room with us.
I've decided since there isn't really anything else to distract me anymore, I will read my bible more, and pray, and think about God, instead of guys. Who needs guys anyways? Sure, we all want a boyfriend, but we don't need one. I've pretty much given up on the dating scene for a while. If some great guy, who believes in God comes my way, then yeah, I'll go for it. But I've definitely added that to my standards. No more none religious guys. I want someone who can help me stay on track with my faith, and someone I can do the same for. But like I said, I'm staying away from dating for a while. Not looking, just waiting.

It's also the idea that someone who believes in God, will also believe in the whole no sex before marriage thing, no cheating, or anything like that. Someone with morals. Someone who will be faithful. I want someone who believes in God, and everything He stands for.
Please, God, when I'm ready, send me someone like that.

You know, someone I can bring to Reckless with me. Someone who will willingly come to church and Ignite with me.

You know, someone like the one guy who's completely off limits.
I mean I'm not interested, I was just thinking how great that guy would be, for whoever ends up with him. He's too old for me, and one of my best friends has always had a thing for him, no matter how hard she tries to get rid of it. I cannot have him. Nor can I want him.
NO NO NO.

I don't want anyone right now anyways.

roflcoptor

I feel like I've been detached from my life for the past six months.
Did anyone think the same?
I still hung out with people, yeah, and I started working harder in school recently.
But I was never really there?
Maybe I'm going back to seventh grade, always had a 3.50 grade point average, my family was together, and I was happy.
So I can't get my family back together, but I can be happy, and get my grades up.
We have five people living in my house now? It's so weird, thinking that originally we had eight.
and then we went down to three. And now, now there's five. I like it. I mean, its not like I talk to any of them, but it makes me feel like this is finally home.

You didn't call me last night, which is good, I wouldn't have picked up.
I find it funny how in your little group, the only person I'm friends with and can talk to his Taylor, while you and Xander just watch. You do know that you can talk to me? You don't have to ignore me.

Going to New York next Friday?! And then adopt a block the next day(:

I absolutely love my lunch table. All the people I've grown up with. And although we've all changed, we can still get along, and talk about the same things.
I love it.

take a plunge.

I just wanna scream my lungs out.
I want everyone to hear how hurt I am right now.
Everyone keeps asking what happened, but they don't really care.
The only person who seems to care, is the one person I'd never expect.
(8:32:59 PM) ricky: hes just a stupid guy like me
(8:33:06 PM) ricky: he doesnt realize what he is missing

don't you dare say things like this to me. I know you're trying to make me feel better. But Tim is NOT a stupid guy. He made me happy, he brought me back. He made me confident again, he helped me face my fears. All my thoughts contained him, and when I was with him, I felt like I could do anything. Don't you dare say this was just a stupid relationship I'll get over in a few days. Who are you to tell me how much this relationship meant to me?
Yeah, I know I'll get over it, because it's not so much losing the boy friend, its losing the best friend. Not having three hour conversations with you just about life, politics, religion, everything. I don't know how I'm supposed to stop doing that. How I'm supposed to just give up my best friend.

"We can't be close friends."
"You and me?"
"Yes, I can't do it, I just can't."

Why did I say that to you. I didn't mean it. Not in any way. Not at all.
I want you to be my best friend. I want it to stay like that. I wanna talk to you every night still. And I wanna still support you.

"He helped me face everything. He's the first person to ever make me face everything I'm afraid of. He's my best friend. He's my world. I don't know how to do it without him. I don't know how to keep going without his support behind me."
"what happened then?"

I supported his decision. I told him it'd be okay if he broke up with me as long as he was happy.
And I want him to be happy, I do. I just want him to be happy, with me. I want us to be happy.
I'm the most selfish person I've ever met.

"No, Taylor, you don't understand, I don't cry. I was always taught not to."
"Meg, you have to cry. Everyone has to."
I still didn't cry.
But now, all of a sudden I am. How did you effect me this much? I don't know why I let you in.
I wanna call you, and I wanna apologize. I want to talk to you for hours. I want to tell you how bad I'm hurting. But I can't, because for once, you're the one causing the pain.

I guess this is where we part ways.

Did that really just happen?
"I thought a lot yesterday, and I've been thinking about it a lot today, and I think I need some time by myself"
Last time we broke up, there was at least some promise that it was temporary. This time, I just don't know what to do now.
I said I can't picture me without you anymore. And it's true. What do I do now?
I'm just gonna go sleep for a while.
or forever.

Just remember, love is always betrayed for you.

Um really boy?
What did I do to you?
Besides not be your partner in English?
I don't know why you're getting all worked up about this.
I didn't do anything.

I didn't go to school today.
So much pain.

I read a book for the first time since I got it over a year ago. I don't know what prompted me to do it, but I did. And I feel like there was a reason for it.

You need to make a choice. You're not trying anymore.
"It started out as a huge bonfire, and then eventually went down to a campfire, and now, well now it's just like a candle."
I don't know why you think that's what it is now, because I'm happier than ever with you. I trust you completely, and can't see myself without you. The thought of losing you makes my head hurt, and makes me think of those months without you. When I was completely alone and depressed. And I hate to put such a pressure on you. If you aren't happy anymore, do what will make you happy again. If that includes getting rid of me, then I guess that's what you'll have to do. I don't know why, but you've changed. I can't tell if it's in a good way or bad way yet. But I do know that it's made this difficult. You won't kiss me, you barely look at me, you don't even bother to call me anymore. I don't know what's going on, but it hurts. Can't we just fix this?

I'd be lying if I told you,
Losing you was something I could handle.- candle(sick and tired)- white tie affair

nothing is permanent, but change

"sometimes you have to come out of your comfort zone."
Come on sweetie, isn't that what you've been teaching me for months now?
Always telling me to face my fears, people, my thoughts, and worst of all, myself.
But then here you are. Telling me that everyone has a comfort zone, that they need to have.
Why wasn't that an option when it came to my comfort zone? You basically told me I had to get rid of it.
"Make the world your comfort zone." That is the advice I give to you now. I know you have those thoughts in your head, and that your mind is your comfort zone. Everyone's mind is there comfort zone. But most people talk about what goes through their minds. I realized last night, that I've told you so many secrets about myself. And yet, I hardly know any of yours, and although you say it's not because you don't trust me, it is. You don't trust me with your thoughts. I don't know why, and I might never, but I'm gonna try to understand, and learn them. I promise you this, though, I will never force you. I know how that feels, and it's not a good feeling. Being forced to do the one thing you know you aren't ready to do. Facing your demons, the tentacles of life. Sometimes, we just aren't ready to face them.

So on this day, I say happy three month anniversary. But on this day, I'm also making you a promise. A promise that I'm going to help you, just they way you've helped me.
I make ths promise already knowing this is going to be difficult, and that you'll resist. I will help you face your fears, and I will help you conquer them.
I promise.

I feel so inferior to everyone. Especially when I go to english class. "shut up meg, no one cares what you think." "c'mon meg, you can't honestly think you're not ugly." "you deserve no better than the dirt you walk on." and then you have the people that think I'm strong? "you're one of the strongest girls I've ever met" "I'm so jealous of you, no one else, just you." "you've come so far." I don't think I understand. I have all these people putting me down, so regularly, to the point I believe everything they say. And then these liars come saying that I've changed, that I'm strong, that my life is worth something. No. okay? just no. give up on me, just like everyone else.

And no, this isn't me giving up on myself. Because I am happy. I just don't understand why anyone would be jealous of me? I'm vulgar, I flirt too much, I act like a boy. People point it out, too. That I talk and act like a boy. I'm not ashamed of that. I like who I am. I just don't expect other people to.

The more confident I act during a day, the more people put me down. They know it's a fake confidence. They know.


if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way- hurt by nine inch nails.