(9:22:30 PM) xander: i love you too
this doesn't affect me anymore. You could say this to me now. I don't think it'd affect me then either. Maybe putting your name in that box did help me. Also, reading old convos between you and me, hurt at first. But then I read old convos between me and Tim, and there was such a contrast that, I realized you were never worth the fight. The fight I've been putting up for months now, was a waste of time.
(9:24:01 PM) tim: the thrill of plunging in without knowing
(9:24:05 PM) tim: :)
(9:24:15 PM) meg: I dont plunge:P
(9:24:45 PM) meg: well it seemed like you were asking if I think you're gonna fight for my strong feelings or for singing. haha
(9:25:25 PM) tim: that was it...your better than you think you are at this;)
how is it that even after knowing you for two weeks, I had this strong connection to you. And I can tell from this that you felt it too. It wasn't just me jumping into something without thinking about it again. Trust me when I say that I thought hard about us before I even considered liking you. Is it bad to say that I felt that connection when I met you at the ice rink. Or that when Case said she kinda liked you, that I lied about our relationship. I told her that we were kind of an item, when we weren't. We just talked on the phone for hours every night. Neither of us had ever mentioned liking each other. But I wanted you, and I became very jealous when she said that. I got really defensive, and couldn't stand the idea of you with another girl. Even though, I didn't think I liked you then.
And I felt so guilty about that. You have no idea how bad I feel about lying to you. And I know you said you forgive me and that its okay. But I had no right to do that. He wasn't mine, and saying he was, was a terrible thing to do. I'm so sorry.
When Kristy told me to go talk to you at the ice rink. I never knew it would lead to all of this. And that my mindless flirting would make me develop a crush on you. I never thought that I'd talk to you again after that night. But then I added you on myspace, and then you added me on aim, and then we started talking on the phone. And I think self consciously, I wanted this all along. And I intended for it to happen. Does that make me a bad person? because I feel bad about it. I feel like somehow I tricked you into all of this. And I feel like you've gotten yourself into something you never expected. But I can't stand the idea of losing you.
Um, it kind of bothers me though, that the day after you get back, you're hanging with the one girl who's screwed you over for three years. And I know I shouldn't be jealous, but I am. Because deep inside I feel like she's gonna try something. Like she's gonna do something to try to get you to feel the way you used to about her. And I do trust you. I do. It just hurts, because I know she's gonna try something. And if she doesn't try anything, I'll have to apologize to her. But the fact that I think she will, hurts. Because she used to be one of my best friends. And the fact that she might try to hurt me like that is unbearable.
And babe, you kind of promised me to hang out then. And now all of a sudden you're hanging with her. It's like you completely forgot about it. I need you so much right now, and I know she needs someone, too. But why does it have to be you? Maybe I'm just being selfish.
I've been apologizing to everyone lately. Not necessarily because they deserve it. But because I feel like I've let a lot of people down. And I'm sorry. I didn't realize how much damage I've done in the past months. And so, I'm apologizing to everyone that I've hurt. I think I'm kind of over doing it though. Some of these people don't deserve it. But it always feels good when someone says they're sorry to you doesn't it? So hopefully I'm making people feel better. Maybe lifting someone's spirit.
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