If I was any better, God would be jealous.

A sense of exploitation that shouldn't exist.
Not here.
It's the only place I feel safe anymore.
Far away enough from home, close enough to civilization.
People I trust...
But do I really trust them?
Forcing me to get up when I fall. Telling me everything will be okay. Being there.
Being there for me, through all the lies I tell. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm just here to draw attention to myself. Attention I don't deserve. Lies I shouldn't tell. People who shouldn't care.

I just wanted to curl up and die in that chair.
I didnt want you to pay attention to me.
Not now.
Self examining myself. Again.
When do I ever stop?
Beat myself up for every thing I do.
And trust me, when I say I deserve it.
You can argue with me as much as you'd like, but that doesn't mean it's not true.
No one knows who I really am. Not the people closest to me. Or the ones who have always been around. You know who I am, when I'm around you. Not when I'm by myself.
When I want to hide in my closet from everything.
This world that I've created, imagined, it to be.
The one I can't change now. I've merged with it. I am it.
There's nothing here, that I have not caused.
I deserve hatred. The one thing I want, the one thing no one will give me.

I can't stop shaking.
My fingers beat faster than my heart ever will.
ever can.

I don't belong here.
This world is too good for me.
you may think it's pretty messed up, but you have no idea. Look through my eyes. Try to see what I see. Horrors you can't even begin to imagine. Things you wouldn't want to imagine. Lucky are the ones who live care free lives.

I should have a care free life. So why do I force all these terrors here?

People always say its not your fault, that the parent is pyschotic. Mad if you will.
But he never did anything for something stupid.
If I forgot a chore, let my room become a mess, talk back to my mother, that's when he'd strike.
It was always my fault. He was trying to teach me right from wrong. I was just so stubborn, I never learned it.

I wish I wasn't so lazy. That I could do schoolwork. Be in level fours, like I always dreamed I'd be. But now I concern myself with whether or not I'll be able to graduate with the few credits I recieved this year. My stomach churns at the thought of staying back.
It churns at the idea of people knowing how far down I've fallen.
This hole I've dug, if only there was a way out.
It didn't take me long to dig it. It'll take years before I can climb out.

"Come down
And waste away with me
Down with me " everlong by the foo fighters.

Save me. Please come back. And save me.
All I need now, is your support here with me.
You know I can't ask you, when will you come back, help me find my way out of this cage?

"Coming out of my cage,
and I've been doing just fine.
Gotta, gotta be down,
because I want it all."- mr. brightside by the killers.

A year goes by And I can't talk about it

MICHAEL JACKSON. BREATHE! COME ON BREATHE.
Ahhhh! this is not a good way to start the summer.

I didn't really say good bye to anyone when I left school today?
Mostly because it doesn't feel like the years over, and because anyone I care about seeing, I'll see this summer. Or, I'll try to.

Why do people think that's okay to continue what they're doing, even when told to stop?
You piss me off, because I don't like being touched by you. I don't like you always comparing me to you. I don't like that you think we're so similar, so you can do whatever you want with me. Because it's not true. I may have power over you, but not because I want it. You take way too much advantage over your physical power over me.
STOP.

I got a 92 on my English final. Was there ever any doubt?
I'd like to think that I didn't fail any of my finals, but that's doubtful.

I'm still grounded. But that's okay, because I don't wanna go to the river anymore.
I don't want to see either of you really.
I feel so bad about you. We should probably stop hanging out as much. I don't really see us dating again...
And you have just been pissing me off to no end lately.

"Why can't anyone stay mad at Meg? She's irresistible."
Um, well thank you Ian. But I'd like to know the actual reason.
Kyle said it's because his anger leaves when he's with me. But why?
A lot of the time, I can do something absolutely terrible, but everyone will still forgive me.
I don't get it. And I don't like this weird power I have. Maybe I will be the next Hitler... But I'd like to use my powers for good...

Maybe that's why I liked you so much. Because you're basically immune to my "powers".
You don't take my crap. You doubt me, you argue with me. You were the perfect match. Someone who likes me, but won't do whatever I tell them to. We're both strong headed. It was good for us. Thanks for the ride today by the way(: But next time let me choose what radio station we listen to, haha.
you made my day.

My stomach hurts. Like it actually hurts, its the first time in a very long time that it has actually hurt. Not because I was disgusted with something, or because I forced it to hurt, but because it just hurts.

I have a lot of plans this summer. But all of a sudden, I don't feel like doing any of them.
Obviously I will. I have to, in order to survive.


Budget cuts. Whatever. I can't afford band next year. Okay, cool, one of the only things I love anymore. Thank you fxcked up school system. Oh. no. wait.
Thank you Obama.
^^^Taylor will be pissed at that statement.

It's over:D

My top ten lists of this year?
Haha yessir.
lists... lets see if I finish any of them.


TOP TEN MOST INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE THIS YEAR.
1. Tim Wood. Through absolutely everything, you've been there for me. You don't always understand my motives, but you stand behind me anyways. I've messed up so many times, but you still forgive me. More than anything, I look up to you. Always.
2. Taylor Calabro. I instantly trusted you, maybe because Tim trusted you, and any one who has Tim's trust, must me trustworthy(: You actually listen to me, and never think I'm being stupid. I love listening to your voicemails, they give me a reason to get up in the morning:D You influence me in the best way(:
3. Aura Wood. We just became best friends this year. It made me so happy when you invited me to go to Reckless. You have helped me so much with finding my faith and sticking with it. And for that I owe you everything.<3>Joy Beachy. Whether she knows it or not, she always says something amazing. Especially in small group. She finds insights most people would completely overlook. She helps me so much(:
5. Xander Howard. He and I have gone through a lot of crap this year. We were best friends for a long time, and even he can't deny that forever. yeah, I liked him, but that was my mistake. He hurt me so much, but if he apologized, I'd forgive him for everything. He may have hurt me, but he has influenced me. I never said people who influenced me positively.
6.Morgan Coffey. So I had to go a while without her support, but thats because I messed up. I love her to death. When she comes running up rubbing her stomach, it makes me smile(it means she has good news :D) I'm so glad I have this friendship back.
7. Olivia Gunther. AHHH, we became so close over the merrow vista thing, especially since we both hated it. Or pretended to hate it(: We lost some of that closeness of the year though. Maybe due to lack of classes together, or not knowing what to talk about. But she always says the right thing at the right time, whether she knows it or not(:
8. Hugo Lin. He understands this world more than anyone else I know. Sure he might hate the world because of it, but he has the knowledge no one else has. I love talking to him, because he's so insightful. I love you(:
9. Kevin Kelley. Although sometimes it may not seem like it, I don't hate you. You just annoy me sometimes, because of the feelings you have, the ones I can't change. It's the fact that in the end I don't have control over the one thing I wish I did. I'm sorry for everything.
10. Nihco Gallo. I don't really care what Heidi thinks of me. She cannot just take away one of my best friends. Talking to Nihco was always amazing. Staying after school with him for hours just talking about stuff, meant the world to me. And then one day, I tried to help, and my whole world fell apart.


TOP TEN BEST FRIENDS THIS YEAR.
1. Tim wood.
2. Christopher Hughes.
3. Stuart Castillo.
4. Aura Wood.
5. Taylor Calabro.
6. Hugo Lin.
7. Olivia Gunther.
8.Kevin Kelley.
9. Kyle O'Dowd.
1o. Jane Apple

TEN MOST LISTENED TO SONGS THIS YEAR.
1. Everlong- The Foo-Fighters.
2. Your call- Secondhand Serenade.
3. Wonderwall- Oasis.
4. I Miss You- Blink 182.
5. Eighteenth floor balcony- Blue October.
6.Let it Die- Three Days Grace.
7. 99 Red Balloons- Goldfinger.
8. Cut me, Mick- Yellowcard.
9. Three Cheers for Five Years- Mayday Parade.
10. Runaway- Thriving Ivory.

GOALS FOR THIS SUMMER.
1. Go on the Reckless trip.
2. Walk to livingston and actually swim there:D
3. Get a job.
4. Go on a road trip.
5. Do something completely unexpected.
6. Find out the Indian cornerstore boy's name:D
7. Clean out that mini fridge, and use it.
8. Practice Saxophone at least three times a week.
9. Go somewhere amazing to see the stars.
10. Go to a lake with friends for the fourth of July.

TEN NEW FOUND FRIENDS.
1. kevin kelley.
2. kyle o'dowd.
3. nihco gallo.
4. toby fox.
5. emily eastman.
6. phil russano.
7. brendan langton.
8. stuart castillo.
9. taylor calabro.
10. tim wood.

TEN FRIENDS I RECENTLY REDISCOVERED.
1. olivia gunther.
2. jane apple.
3. ian burbank.
4. brandon christen.
5. hugo lin.
6. zane mcdaniel.
7. mike lazos.
8. nate cunha.
9. aura wood.
10.patrick tobin.



BLAH.
I'll finish this later when I think of more lists.
promise.


This year has been full of ups and downs.
First somewhat long lasting relationship.
First bad break up.
Bad rumors.
Best friends.
I'd tell you all about my year.
but I can't. So instead. Here are some highlights:
Band camp! it was amazing. I suddenly felt so at home(: It was a good way to start off the school year.
Merrow Vista. I found one of my best friends during those three days. Grew to know people I never would have met otherwise. I learned how to be a better leader(:
New Years. day after tim and I started dating. got drunk accidentally, spent the whole night by myself, while talking to tim on the phone. minus the drunk part, it was pretty good.
Music dept. semi. twas the day tim and I finally started ot tell people we were dating. after keeping it a secret for almost a month, I was ready to explode:D Besides my friends ODing on pills, it was a good time.
Amnesty trip. WOOO, yay for um human um rights with um abbey uhhh curtin(:
The day I realized Xander Howard is stupid. bahaha, this one explains itself.
The first time in almost five years. I'd really rather not explain this one. It involves my dad. And the people who need to know, do.
September 26th. the day I told about what my dad used to do. the day my whole world fell apart.
December 5th. doesn't matter why this day is important. it just, is.

I had my ups, I had my very low downs. I had firsts, I had lasts.
But in the end, I am no longer, a FRESHMAN.
That's all that matters, right?

I found old friends, I found new friends.
I discovered amazing music.
I found new hate for new teachers, I found new love for new teachers.
Mr. Tagalakis<3
Terrible things happened, I got over it with help from amazing friends.
Although bad stuff happened, in the end, I'll remember the good, view the bad as stuff that made me stronger, and live this summer up.
Not holding back next year. What ever happens, happens. I'll get over it.
This year has made me stronger, I've lived, loved, and learned.
And as of now, no regrets.

Rock on Summer of '09.
rock on.

secrets exist for a reason.

Jane baby I love you.
And I may not know the feeling, but I completely understand.
You deserve so much better.
You can talk to me, whenever you need me.

I'm currently eating goldfish and drinking arizona raspberry iced tea.
Why? because my friends are lame.
:D

I'm grounded. Chris and everyone were supposed to hang out with me today. Looks like I messed that up. Not gonna lie, though, I didn't really wanna go if Abby was gonna be there.


I was baptized on Saturday, and I do feel better. But I've also already messed up terribly. It's safe to say that I've mostly blocked out that night.

I didn't have finals today. But my stupid brother woke me up anyways. "Don't you have school today?" No I freaking don't, so leave me alone.
I hate him.

Thank you guys for bringing in my book today(:
I just didn't feel up to getting up for like ten minutes.

I'd tell you everything.
But sometimes its better to keep things to yourself.
I wish everyone would learn that.

Giving.

Just got back from graduation.
Nick gave me a ride home(:
Matt gave me twenty thousand hugs.
You gave me twelve thousand glances.
And Chris, well Chris didn't show up.

The actual graduation wasn't bad.
I didn't fall asleep, or think when it'd be over.
I was just cold the whole time. My only complaint.

I'm getting baptized tonight.
I'm so pumped.
Chris was so happy with me.
Oh, Chris Tapia, you and Aura are perfect together.

I'd like to go to Emily's party, but that would require missing curfew, and I've already been doing that too often.
I'll figure it out.

I'm lost without you.

I'm tired.
And no. I don't mean sick of everything tired.
I mean, physically, I'm just tired.
I promised Tim I wouldn't fall asleep when I got home. But I was just so tired.

I fell asleep in German, during the final, and wrote something along the lines of "The skirt on that elephant looks pretty." Only it was in German. Explain to me how you write things while you're asleep?

It's been raining all day, and now, I just want to sit on my roof, until tomorrow morning.
I'd love to talk with you on the phone all night.

Hey, you. You bailed on me tonight. I kinda figured you would, you have been known to do that.
Sometimes I don't know if its because you actually can't, or you just don't want to.
But hey now, I won't think like that.
Today's supposed to be stress free right?


I love hanging out with Taylor.
I bought him T-bell(:
We just talked about stuff.
:D



Oh, and I still care. It was extremely hard to not talk to you today. I told you, I have a hard time holding grudges, and even though you did something bad, I've already forgiven you.
I'll always be here.
And that, I promise.
I already know you've broken ours.
And that could be, the worst thing you've ever done to me.

I lied to you, to help you continue with the process.

I'm trying.
Trying to find that little girl that I lost forever and a day ago.
Not the little girl exactly, I need to find the woman she was supposed to become.
Because I know that this is not who she was supposed to be.

Jesua, you helped me so much last night.
Just talking to you for two hours.
We're so alike in so many ways. But people deny it.

Oh, and you. I am not anything like you. I became like you.
I adapt to whomever I'm around the most, and lately that's been you and Kyle.
So shove it. Don't tell me who I am.
No one knows, not even me.

Around Jesua, I feel like I can be myself completely. I can talk to him about anything, and he'll listen. Give a few words of wisdom, and then relate my story to something that's been happening to him in Texas.

I feel so terrible for him. He has only a few friends there. I don't understand. He's absolutely amazing. Full of knowledge, entertaining, open, religious. Best friend always. I promise.

Talking to you the other night helped too.
No serious conversation, not for the most part anyways. Until you decided we needed to ask each other questions. You know I have those questions I cannot under any circumstance ask you...

"scale of one to ten?"
"maybe a seven or eight."

To be honest, when you said that, I felt so happy. I shouldn't have. Because there's not really anything good that can come out of this.
And I'm sorry I was being so stupid. I just feel like I don't know you anymore. And I don't like that. Please just let me in again?


I need to find that girl, and who she was supposed to be when she grew older.
You said you'd help me.
Was that a promise?




I realized lately that I have a control over people, that I do not want.
I don't like it, and I honestly don't understand how I got it.
Can you teach me how to get rid of that control I have, too?
I'll teach you how to have it, if you teach me how to get rid of it.
You wouldn't have to use force or stubborn-ness to trick people into doing what you want anymore.
You'll be able to make them do whatever you want, and I know you of all people would not take advantage of it. But I, I do.
And I, I need to get rid of it.

LOVE LOVE LOVE.

I am about to explode.
Maybe too much happiness isn't good for me.
But Jesua Richer is back, and I missed him so much.
You've been gone so long.

"Hello, who is this?
"This is Meg, whose this?"
"This is the man from your house warranty. Ahh man I can't be serious."
"JESUA?!"

AHHHHHHH. I feel so happy right now.
I haven't felt this way in so long.
He thought I was acting pyscho.
I almost broke down crying.
My best friend? The one who moved to Texas soooo long ago?
Back in town?!
I can't even begin to explain.
I genuinely love him.
Maybe more than everyone here.
He's just so... real.
Jesua Richer, you are the love of my life(:
I'm so glad you're back.
Even if it is only for a little while.

I wish I am the way I was.

And maybe, I'm bi-polar.
Would not be surprising.
I mean well, my Dad is...

And maybe you expect too much of me.
To tell you everything that's going on.
When you barely tell me anything at all.
Go ahead and take advantage of the fact that I don't break promises.
"promise we'll stay best friends?"
"always."
I'm keeping my end, can't you at least pretend to care about yours?


And maybe you made me weak.
I never used to cry.
But you just have this, I don't even know.
The fact that I told you everything that happened on Thursday within five minutes of you asking.
I refused to let you have this power anymore.
Why do you take advantage of me, so?


And maybe I didn't think I'd feel this way about you.
You make me incredibly happy.
I stop, leave everything behind when I'm with you.
I'm so glad I have you.
so, so glad.


And maybe you shouldn't be jealous of me.
"I've always admired that about you, your self confidence. The fact that you can go and talk to people, and not feel uncomfortable."
It's not that I don't feel uncomfortable, it's that I ignore it. I ignore everything.
I don't let things bother me.
At least, I don't let people see it.
Sometimes I don't even let myself see it.


I'm weak.



I swear I never meant to let it die
I just don't care about you anymore
It's not fair when you say that I didn't try
I just don't care about you anymore- let it die by three days grace

You know it's true.
Don't deny it.
I'll call you tonight.
We need to talk.

I feel so pregnant right now.

So I'm home.
Well, no, not currently.
Right now I'm in Kevin's living room, where I seem to spend most of my time, nowadays.

I just choked on noodles that were not ramen.
yup, things like that always seems to happen.
Sometimes I have really good luck, but sometimes everything just falls apart completely.
Right now things are good, even though all my privileges have been taken away.
Doesn't matter, I've already found loopholes.
I love when my family acts really serious about something, but forgets about it later on.
Brush it under the carpet, and act like its not there.
Definite family motto.


I plan on playing videos games with Kyle and Kevin for a while.

Oh, and if you'd like to know about my weekend, feel free to ask.
It's so boring there's no real reason and writing it here.
But then again, do I ever say anything interesting?

It's like Jackie's girlfriend. She thinks I'm so funny, and I honestly don't understand.
I don't ever say anything funny. At least I don't think it's funny.
Oh, well, I suppose it's just another mystery of living...

desperate for a way out.

"There's something about you that draws people towards you. Almost like those things from Harry Potter. It's like your eyes entrance people, and you top it all of with that smile. Your facial expressions are always so insightful. I'd like to be the one who knows how you tick."

Absolutely not. I let Tim figure out how I tick, and he still doesn't know me.
Besides, I don't trust you. at all. And I'd rather not, ever.

But I don't know if what you said was a compliment or and insult.


And you, I should have ran back to you after you dropped me off.
I miss you terribly.

I miss everyone.
I love the voicemail that I got that had Kevin Ian and Chris all telling me they love me.
That made me feel important.
I didn't expect Chris to say it though.


Oh, btw, that episode the other night? Just another breakdown, I'm fine.
You can ask questions, I guarantee no answers.



Kyle O'Dowd is actually making me a mix tape. The world is officially coming to an end.
He doesn't make people mix tapes of his own music. ever.
Until now(:


I'm in Maine. It sucks here.
It's beautiful, and I'm getting amazing pictures.
But it sucks.
It smells like cabbage and my mom hasn't acknowledged me this whole time.
The only thing keeping me sane is Kevin's ipod, and my camera.
The lake might have something to do with it too(:

stop... blood...stop...

I never realized what its like to be in so much pain before.
Pop in a few pain killers, pop in a few more. And when that's not enough, just a couple more.
I don't really know how many I've taken.
I don't know why this cut won't stop bleeding.
And why I can't stop vomiting.
I hardly ate today. That muffin.
I didn't even eat all of it.
What's going on?


YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO GIVE ME RULES NOW. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE PAST YEAR AND A HALF WHERE I'VE BEEN MY OWN PARENT? I've done everything for myself. And okay, I leave messes. But that's just to prove to you that I still exist.
Stupid child services, you don't help anything, you ruin it.
All my privileges, everything is gone.
How many more times is she gonna take away everything good in my life?
SHE TOOK AWAY MY MUSIC.
please, stop bleeding.

she told him to. she told him to.
for once in my life. she told him to.


I need you so bad right now.
But you won't answer. You shouldn't be there to listen anymore.
pick up your phone...

Do you realize you had almost the exact same meeting with Noelle years ago?
Ha, oh look, she became pregnant at the age of sixteen.
stop repeating yourself.
you have problems.
go to counseling.
do something.

I don't need you.
You haven't been here. you can't just act like you have control over me.
You don't.
You never will.


no more trusting.
no more talking.
I'm done.

Green means go.

That face hurts my soul.
Eyes that could kill.
Constant thoughts of you, you give me a look too, but not so much filled with hurt, more waiting.
Your song is the one my heart beats along to.
Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. pulses through my veins like the blood that runs there.
That face, make it go away.
Shut up, shut up, shut up. No point in listening to your lies. Same ones you told forever ago. SMACK "what are you sorry for?" "I'm sorry for every thing." Your voice like thunder. Bruises leave, scars stay forever. Thoughts of the past sneak in, quick to slam that door in the face. No need for that visitor.
Your arms... Would it be the only safe place I've ever known?
Eyes so thoughtful, smile filled with hope. Sir? Why describe me in that way, I wonder?
Your arms... The thought lingers.

I actually love this assignment for English. Go for a walk, and then write about all the things you thought about. Oh, the joys of the poetry unit. I could get into this. I'll have to stay strong though, if I show any sign of being good at poetry in that class, the kids won't shut up about it.
I need them to just let me be...

You gave me a look I've never seen before.
I don't know how to describe that. It was like you were apologizing to me through your eyes, while trying to share another message with me. I just need to find the other message. I wish you'd just tell me what it is you were talking about in the hallway. It's rather clear that it is important, otherwise you'd have told me by now.

You gave a look too. But it was the one that instead of apologizing, makes me feel guilty, like I need to say I'm sorry. Not sure for what though...
You did apologize. You didn't mean it as much as you'd like to think. You aren't sorry, you think it all makes sense in the head of yours.

I was gonna ask you to go to the concert tonight with me, I think instead I'll ask if you wanna go to the orchestra one with me tomorrow.

I sincerely have the need to fix that saxophone of yours. That thing looked like what would happen if a saxophone was sent to hell.
p.s. I'd like if you'd call.


I quite like the music you're into it. It makes me feel happy.


I'm in a rather techno mood all of a sudden.
(:


And I do no prefer him over you. Think about things before you say them. Before you think them. I'd love to not hurt you by liking him, but that's not possible. But I do not in any way wish you didn't exist.
You mean a lot to me, don't forget that, okay?


Look over the surface and into the distance
Constantly showering me with decision- define a transparent dream by the Olivia Tremor Control

Looks like we both have a decision to make, hmm?
Go through with it or no?
"Green means go."
But what if the light is red?

I'm sorry that the look I gave you today, "pierced your soul".
Maybe that's the only way I'll be able to get in your head.

I can't stand to see you sad, I can't stand to see you cry.

I'm pissed at you.
Why would you act all supportive towards it, and then make me feel guilty about it in the end?
Yes, I really like him. Yes, I stayed on the phone with him. Yes, he likes me.
and most importantly, yes, I did give him a birthday card.
Because its easier for me to give him one, than it is to give you that specific one.
I hate how you react to me. Not just to me, everything. And it's true I don't give people birthday cards, but its not like I gave him the real one.

I do really like him. I love how easy it is to talk to him. How I told him more about what my dad used to do, than I told the state. Instant trust, instant bond. It's not normal. I keep trusting people too easily, and one day, I'll trust the wrong person.


Stupid Senior banquet, it would have been better if you were there.
Stuart wouldn't have bothered me as much. I would have had a reason to ignore him.
But I know how he is, he's found eyecandy, and he doesn't want me messing that up for him.
I honestly hate him, but I love him too. I can't stand how mean he is to me around people. But when it's just us hanging out, I... I don't even know. I just miss us, okay. I miss when you didn't do the things you're doing now. I wish you weren't as messed up as you are. I tried to fix you, protect you almost. There's nothing left for me to do, you're breaking me down. And I can't keep up.



I don't know what to say.
I need to stop for a little while.
But this all seems so good.
No way to explain it really.



And I lied to you last night. I do like him. And I am over you. The fact that you got all disappointed when I said I was going to talk to him, amused me almost.
"We just haven't talked in a while."
Well, sorry, but that isn't exactly my fault. You don't pick up your phone, and you shut down every chance we have to talk. You need to figure this out for yourself. I've decided for myself.
I love you, I do. But I've given up on you completely.



You hung up the phone, not either of us. So really, we didn't kick you out, you did exactly what you said you were considering doing.

Ich weiß nicht, jetzt was zu denken

I just had a really amazing writing moment.
The words just flew from the pen.
and my mind.
The night I met you the words came out easily too.
Odd how that works, mm?

I would write what I wrote in my notebook.
But it just isn't something I need absolutely everyone reading.
People ask too many questions.



You have a weird effect on me.
I don't really know what it is exactly.
But I like it.




*being too forward.*

no passing zone.

I think I could really end up liking you.
If only that boy wasn't trying so hard.
Let's put Meg and him next to each other on every ride.
Okay Kev, I get it, you want me and him to date, just chill out a bit, okay?


I didn't really pay much attention to that movie. More to the warmth that was there...
asdfghjkl;
Chill out Meg, okay?
No point in forcing this.
At all.

Oh canobie lake park. I went there for the first time ever yesterday. It was nice.

I enjoyed going to the river with you two on Friday(:
It was so relaxed, and it was the first time I've been completely myself in a while.

It's kind of funny how much we have in common.
"That hat would look nice in my hat collection."
"You have a hat collection?!"
"Yeah, and a scarf collection."
" Woahhh, me too!"
This could be going the way I wanted it to.
Or maybe it's going the completely wrong way.
We'll see soon enough, now won't we?



"meg, you don't have a comfort zone do you?"
ha, nope, not really. Except for my mind. You were the one taught me that.
It takes a lot to make me uncomfortable.

God is good.

He likes Chocolate, and I like fruit.

I'm really happy right now.
Like the happiest I've been in a while.
And it's all because of Hugo Lin.
He gets me, more than anyone.
I feel like I can be myself around him.
And we can just talk and we know the other will understand.
We have the same conclusions, based on different circumstances.
I love how we can go from serious conversations, to laughing so hard I almost cry.
Just walking around talking about everything with him, makes me happy.


I'm so happy right now.
I'm gonna sink so low soon.


And I can never date Hugo, Taylor.
That would be bad.



I think I like you.
Probably only because he told me it would be a bad idea.
But there's more to it than that...


The name of this blog is based on a story Hugo told me about his Mom's friend.
He had asked her when he was younger why she and her husband were getting a divorce.
Her response was that he liked chocolate, and she liked fruit.
That didn't mean much to Hugo then.
But if you think about it, she was basically saying that they were so different it didn't work anymore.
Ahhh, the simplicity of talking to children.
That had such a broad meaning that she only used because she was talking to a five year old.
But it makes so much sense...



"You waited too long to tell me, you never really knew me at all."- fearless by neurosonic


"I won't sit here and wait
For you to take me home"

I'm done. I feel like you never really knew me.
No one really knows me.
I don't know me.
I've been trying to find who I am, but she's a long way off.
I'm done waiting.
I had a breakdown.
And if everyone disregarded the blog from last night that'd be great.
I'm over it.
I feel like I can move on now, and I may have started the process...

No, no, I'm not okay.

I thought maybe when you said we wouldn't go out again, I'd get over you.
I was terribly mistaken.
I can't do this.
It's safe to say I still really like you.
And it's getting kind of frustrating, all these guys like me, but none of them are you.
I wouldn't say yes, unless they were you.
I'm pretty much completely pathetic.
You have total control over me.
You're the one person who would never take advantage of that, though.
I just don't really know what to do.
The fact that I still can't believe I got someone as amazing as you.
I'm just... in pain.
I need to call you. But I'm so sick of breaking down on the phone with you.
I just, don't know anymore.
I just wanna move on. But I don't know how.
How do you give up the one person you know is supposed to be in your life?
When someone has an answer to this for me, I'll be amazed.

my stomach hurts.
And so does my head.
I wish you'd call, so I don't have to.

And no, it's not for the better.
Not in the least.
I was just becoming happy.
And then everything fell apart again.
I wish you could fix it again.
But I know you can't, nor do you want to.

I hate myself so much right now.

I need to go throw up for a while.

Maybe I'm better off on my own.

ha, just kidding.
I'm not good at being by myself.


Concert tomorrow.
Those make me so happy.
No need to explain, most people will get it.
And those who don't, don't deserve to.

I don't know why I even bother talking about/to you anymore.
It all just hurts in the end.
So make up your mind where we stand, because I'm tired of running around.


So apparently Zack Black likes me.
Why do things like this happen to me?


I'm glad I saw you after school today.
I wanted to apologize to you again.
But I was about to have a breakdown, and didn't need you to see that.
You gave me a hug, which I was not expecting, but it helped in the oddest way.
It's almost like you knew...


I kept getting asked if I was high today, just because I kept passing out in all my classes.
I just feel so dazed.
I've been sleeping a lot lately.
And it's not even because I want to, I just end up falling asleep.
Something's wrong. I don't know what it is yet.
But it's there.


I prayed today.
For once without being reminded.
No one told me to pray for something. I just did.
I don't know what triggered it, but it had something to do with you.
p.s. this isn't who everyone thinks it is(:

and then there was just you and me.

Thank you everyone who wished me a happy birthday(:
And thanks for the cards, cookies, and cds:D
Oh, and balloons, especially Olivia Gunther singing 99 red balloons to me(:

There was only really one person who I was waiting for to say happy birthday to me.
He saw me, and then didn't say it.
An hour later though, he did.
I think he forgot.
Oh well. It still meant a lot to me.
(:

I still have to go out later...



Chris came over for a while.
It made me happy.
It made me sad too though.
He asked me to sign his year book.
Said I was the first person to, and that I get my own page.
I had to keep it happy, because I was about to cry.
You're leaving so soon.
I don't know how I'll make it without you.


I love our little talks.
The ones right after band that last like thirty seconds.
They make me smile. Because in that moment, its like its only you and me.

you overreact to everyone's underreactions.

It's safe to say I'm dreading tonight.
At least Stubear will be here with me.
I missed him.

I always hate when people ask about me and Stuart.
We're best friends, okay? We'll just leave it at that.

I don't want tonight. I don't want my whole family sitting together eating Chinese food. Because everyone knows, that if Josh is there, he won't let me talk.
He has something against me.
Doesn't he know how hard I try everyday?
Doesn't anyone?

It was good spending time with you today. You have no idea how good it felt, to be able to go back to the way we used to be.


I hate when everyone knows when your birthday is.
Watching everyone scream at you " I'll make you a card!"
Even the people you know dislike you. It's almost like they're trying to redeem themselves, just by making you a birthday card.
It's just a birthday, it's not any different than any other day.
I love the fact that only Hugo gets this.
He's the only one who gets me anymore. It's kind of scary how much we think alike now.
"You're starting to sound like me."
Only because I understand now.
I love you. I need you to know that.
I honestly don't know what I would do without you.