the journey is what makes it all worth it.

Bad thoughts;
I wonder why you're so worried about them. Everyone has them. People think about sex, suicide, murder. And you're worried about your thoughts. Your thoughts about your being?
I don't think I know what you mean. Are you regretting yourself? You shouldn't ever do that.
What were we talking about last night? How depression, ADD, ADHD, and all those other mental diseases, are self inflicted. Everything this world is now, everything people hate about it, is our own fault. You kept arguing with me about that. Did you realize we were arguing for the same conclusion? That we both thought the same thing, but yet we still argued.

You insulted my religion. I know we were both talking about our own opinions on religion. But was it really necessary to insult mine? You know how much it means to me, you could have just said you didn't believe in it, and that would have been fine. But telling me why my religion didn't make sense, was not okay. Religion is my everything.

"Keep your mind open, and your tongue silent."
How can you tell me to listen to you, if you won't do the same for me.
And you kept arguing with me about everything. Most people give up. What is wrong with you?
You're the only one who has ever fought me. And I don't like it. I know you're probably trying to teach me a lesson or something, but I don't like it.

"don't say I told you so."
"I told you so."
Really sweetie? really? I don't see how that was necessary, not in the least. Last time I checked, I didn't learn the lesson from you. I learned it from myself. I realize you had been telling me that all along. But when you say I told you so, you make it sound so defiant. Like, I finally realized I was wrong, and I should have listened to you.
You know I hate being told I'm wrong. I can figure out for myself when I'm wrong.


"I realized that I shouldnt have only one thing that keeps me going"
Oh how true this is. I do it a lot though anyways. Band. Religion. Friends. Never do all of these keep me going at once. Because I lose friends, my faith weakens, I do bad in band. It's only when things go well in these categories, and the other categories fade. Isn't that strange? How when one of these things goes well, the other two are all messed up?
I guess it works...

You're just a constant reminder.

I find you rather impolite, dear brother.
Just because I'm twelve years younger than you, doesn't mean I can't uphold an intelligent conversation. Maybe if you didn't talk over people all the time, you'd understand that.
Oh and mommie dearest, I'm so sorry. "MEG! walk faster, it's impossible to walk behind you when you walk that slow." Um, mom? there was a lady limping in front of me. I was trying to be polite. Sorry.

Slept over Abbey's last night(:
It was pretty rad.
Except I didn't need you hitting on me. Or touching me.
I have a boyfriend, which me and Abbey repeatedly told you.
" Do you wanna go lay down on her bed?"
UH. how about no?!
" I don't think he would date you. I think he would hook up with you."
Oh, thats great.

oh man, ouija boards. I don't believe in them at all. I find it amusing how much they freak sam out. What a pansy(:

I love how my mom listens in on my conversations, but doesn't listen when I'm talking to her.
"What are you talking about, I always listen to you. I heard what you just said."
"I was on the phone, I wasn't talking to you."
"But still"
And then she shipped me off to Abbey's.
I never said I was sleeping over.
"how many days are you staying there?"
"I wasn't planning on staying any."
"Well, why don't you go pack your bag."
ummm? Mom, really? I know you hate having me around, but you can't just make me stay over people's houses.

Tim comes back from New York tonight!
<3

"So what happened with you and Tim? Mel said you guys broke up."
"Just stuff."
"You aren't gonna tell me? And how come you're talking to him again?"
"Because we're still friends Mom."
I'm not telling her we're back together.
She wasn't even supposed to know we broke up.

I realized how much you suck.
Like, you are the suckiest person I've ever met.
Why was I ever friends with you?
You're such a fruitcake. No lie. You're a horrible person.
You think I'm an annoying freshman? I think you're an annoying junior. You're the one who always messaged me, not the other way around. You're the one who told people you liked me. I never told anyone I liked you, until after you stopped talking to me.
HAHA! I saw you in the hallway yesterday, and you just stared at me. Did you forget I wasn't going to New York? Did you forget that you promised we'd hang out this weekend? Well, I guess you remembered then. That's why you stared, and then walked away as fast as possible.
You're pathetic. You're the biggest excuse of a person I've ever met. Nice job running away from all your fears. Someday they'll all catch up to you, and you'll be screwed. I can't wait for the day that drugs aren't enough to make you happy. When you realize your whole life is messed up. And that it's all your fault.
I know why you told her you never liked me, and that I'm annoying. It's because you didn't want her to think you were pathetic for liking a freshman. Well, guess what, you aren't pathetic because you liked a freshman, you're pathetic because you lied about it. Oh, by the way, you can lie to her as much as you want, but she doesn't like you. And everyone knows it accept you. Everyone knows she leads you on, but she actually hates you.
Someday you'll realize how much time you've wasted on her. Just like I realized how much time I wasted on you. And maybe, when that day comes, you'll realize I'm not as annoying as you thought. You won't ever tell me you're sorry, whether you are or not. We both know that someday you will be, but you'll be too scared to ever admit it. It wouldn't matter if you did tell me or not. Because I think you're a loser. A pothead. A runaway. You're everything I used to be. And I wouldn't ever be able to deal with you. All you are, is a constant reminder. A reminder of how much I messed up my life. A reminder of how I hated myself. A reminder that I've finally changed, and now I'm happy. Without you, I'm happy. And that's the greatest thing you've ever done for me. You were a jerk. And now, I'm happy. I'm just... so happy.


He tells everyone a story, because he feels his life is boring,
and he fights so you won't ignore him, because that's his biggest fear,
and he cries, but you'll rarely see him do it.
He loves, but he's scared to use it.
So he hides behind the music, cause he likes it that way.
He knows, He's so much more than worthless,
he needs to find the surface, because he's starting to get nervous.- this is a call by tfk.

Hey, you. You're amazing. And I'm sorry I've been so horrible lately. But I'm glad I'm happy, and that I'm happy with you. You mean so much to me, and you're my best friend. I can talk to you about anything and you listen, and you care. I don't always tell you everything, because I don't want you to feel like you need to fix it.

"I call baby up.
Leave me alone.
I'm in pain but I won't let you band-aid my wound"-quiet mind by blue october.

I trust you with everything. And I can't see myself without you. Whether we stay together or not, I know you'll always be my best friend. Always.

"Back to where we left off, baby.
“How you been and what’s been new with you lately?”
Just forget it, it’s the same old runaround.
You build me up just to let me down." where were you by every avenue.

Please don't talk to me. Please. I don't wanna deal with you.


This blog is really long. It's because I haven't blogged in a few days because my computers messed up.

hate me today.

I just wanted you to know, that I NEVER wanted your help.
Never.
Why would I want the help of someone who doesn't know what to do herself?

Everyone's going to New York.
Not like it really matters, the only difference it will make is in Band.
And mod D, when Tim isn't there.
Gonna go to German mod A?! Just so I don't have to deal with you. Not like you'd go to Mod A anyways.

I finished my rocket! For once I didn't procrastinate. wOOt.
I'm really jealous of Jenna's family. They kid around with each other, and laugh and have fun. They all get along. She doesn't just go to her room when she gets home. And she doesn't mind when her mom comes in and talks to her. I wish I had a mother like that. One who actually cared.

I had so much more to write before.
I'll just go sleep...

We can only put a bandaid on to stop the bleeding

Have a good life.
I'm not gonna trash talk you, because you've said enough about me.
I don't wanna do that to you.
You've gone through a lot, and I'm sorry you have to deal with all of that.


In the years 1786-1887 the people of the time kept borrowing more and more money. Much like today, they borrowed more before paying it all back. And the "government" took away the people's farms if they were too heavily in debt. Kind of sounds familiar doesn't it? Mmm, people's homes being taken away to pay for all the money they've borrowed... The people of the time blamed the government, when in actuality it's the people's fault. History has repeated itself multiple times now. You'd think by now we'd realize what we're doing wrong.
In 1787, they had fixed most of what they had done, but the debt kept building up, and it's been building up ever since then. American is in debt by trillions of dollars, and what are we doing? We're still borrowing more money. I've always wondered why other countries haven't cut us off yet. To me it's pretty obvious we'll never pay it back. All the countries we're borrowing money from, think that by adding interest they'll make more money, but it actually makes it almost impossible to pay them back. We'll just fall completely behind. Oh, man, can't wait to watch the great depression happen all over again.
America may be the land of the free, but it's not exactly the land of the intelligent.

I really have a passion for civics, and politics. I think that if I were to go to college, I would major in something of that kind.

I love how Mr. Howe, was trying to debate me in English. It was funny, because he kept saying his opinion, and would not let me talk. And then he freaked out and said we had enough of politics. You can't open a debate, if all you're gonna do is voice your opinion, and not let anyone else share theirs. I am very opinionated Mr. Howe, especially when it comes to politics, and the economy. I know what's up. I don't need you acting like I'm an innocent fourteen year old who knows nothing about the world. Don't underestimate me. Because you'll just look stupid when I know just as much, if not more than, you. There is a reason why Mr. Sterling wants me to lead young republicans next year. It's because I know what I'm talking about.





Tonight's your last chance to
Do exactly what you want to- a boy brushed red...living in black and white by underoath.

CSH<3

why areyou loosing me?

8:56pmMeg youre leaving

8:56pmChris military?

8:57pmMeg yeah

8:57pmChris ll b fighting for you =D

8:58pmMeg (:you make me smile

8:59pmChrisi love you girly =D you know that

8:59pmMeg I love you too

8:59pmChris im not gone yet though. and even when i am ill miss you every day

I love you christopher scott hughes. this made me cry. you mean the world to me boy(:

Announce it the world.

I think I'm losing my two best friends.
"Meg, we're going to see him, he said he was baked."
I only agreed because I was gonna yell at him.
But when I got there I just felt horrible.
I sat there, and I couldn't say anything to him.
I couldn't express how angry I was. And then when I did, I felt terrible, because there he was not having any control over what he was doing. I realized it wasn't him who I was mad at it. Well that wasn't all of it anyways. I was mad at myself. I was mad that he is who I used to be. And that's scary. No one understands.
"you can't protect him from the world."
"I know, but I can protect him from himself."
I'm losing you. Where's the boy that would come to my house at ten just because I was having a bad day? Now you're off getting high. I miss you. I want my best friend back.

I'm losing you too. You're joining the military. You're gonna be off in training in a few weeks. I've lost both of you. I feel like I lost Chris a long time ago. He's not the same anymore.

What am I supposed to do? I lost my two absolute best friends. And I'm pushing away the only person who means anything to me anymore.
I'm gonna be all alone again.

I think Audrey is the only one who understood how upset I was about the Stu thing.
She got up to say good bye to me. I know she's not okay with what he's doing either.

Chris, you said we were going there to yell at him for what he did. You didn't yell at him. You scolded him for like ten seconds. Why would you put me in that position? You know how I feel about drugs. Seeing my best friend on them, is the worst possible thing you could do to me. So thanks for that. He kept saying I was making him feel guilty. I didn't mean to, but I'm glad I did. You cannot be mad at me. You do not deserve that privilege.
"Meg, where are you going?"
"Come on Meg, just announce it to the world."
"Meg come back? are you uncomfortable?"
"Fuck you Meg. Just announce it to the world"
"have a goodnight Meg."
"Thanks Audrey, you too."


I couldn't say anything to any of them except Audrey.




How many special people change
How many lives are living strange
Where were you when we were getting high? - champagne supernova by oasis.

Understand the power of your words.

I got home at three in the morning last night.
Yes I said three in the morning.
Why?
Because my mom didn't pick up her phone, or give me a curfew. I didn't wanna get home at a time where I would have to talk my mother. Because I knew the moment I did that my day would be ruined.

The square dancing was great. hahaha people thought we had been square dancing for years, but it was the all the girl's first time(:
Things like that make me smile. Also dressing up for the square dance makes me smile.
Hour and a half car drives make me so happy. I love just being in a car, and talking with friends. Well in this case it was a bunch of twenty year olds and two seniors. But I went because Emily asked me to, and who wouldn't wanna go to a square dance?!
Tenor, Evan, Kyle, Jason, Troy, and Travis. They were all so amusing. I think that if me and Kyle had talked more, he would have discovered we have a lot in common. He's a complete metal head. I love guys like that(:
Evan was a total cutie pie, but I wouldn't be surprised if he was gay. I wouldn't be surprised if Troy was gay either. Haha, Tenor was interesting... And definitely had a thing for Emily.

Haha, Jasmine, Leah, Emily and Tree, what a great bunch of girls(:


I actually also love going to a Diner at two in the morning.
<3

DUDE! their apartment was amazing, seven t.v's and like four computers. It's because they have so many people living there. And they don't always wanna play the same video game.
BAHAHAHA! It's basically what my apartment will look like when I'm older.

Ughhh, didn't go to small group because I was still asleep.
And today was starbuck's dayy.
Oh well, it's not like I have any money anyways,

I wish that I could make her see
She's just the flavor of the week- flavor of the week, by american high five.

goodnight babe

I can't believe I just did that.
Why did I do that?
I can't tell you about this.
I can't tell anyone about this.
I lied though, when I said I wouldn't do that with you.

I know why I did it.
Because everyone expects me to be that way, so why not prove it to them?
Finally everyone's expectations of me will be fulfilled.
But quite a few will also be destroyed.

I can't believe you were the one actually saying maybe.
Not me.
What have I become?

I'll see you later. Promise.

babe you make me so sad.
I love you so much, and you mean the world to me.
I want you to care, okay? I want you to care about people again. I'm worried about you.

I think I've just about given up on you. I am not a slut. I do not flirt with him, okay? We talk, and yeah we sat next to each other during the jazz thing today. But that does not mean anything.
I love him to death, he's amusing, and talking to him is fun. Besides, you said you didn't like him anymore. You said I wasn't a whore anymore. You're just over reacting, because it's what you do. And it's fucking annoying. I'm not doing anything wrong. I don't need you anymore. I haven't for a while. And to be honest with you, she's rubbed off on you, and you dislike me because you feel she's right, you've always taken her side. I don't understand why people need to drag drama into my life. I don't want it. I don't need it, so stfu and gtfo.

This is absolutely horrible. You have no idea how bad I want this.
No idea.
All I thought about while I was sitting at school for hours, was you.
And how our hug good bye lasted longer than it should have.
I know you feel the same which is the worst part.
I would do anything for you.

you need to stop. You know I used to like you. Stop doing this. You have a girlfriend. I can't hang out with you. Not if you like me, and are talking about cheating. It's not okay. I don't think we should talk for a while.

I love Sarah and Bianca.
And Mva!<333



I am a horrible person.
I keep thinking about this. When I'm with you, I wanna get back together with you. But when I'm alone with my thoughts, I don't.


"I wish I was on a roadtrip right now."
"why?"
"because I'm sick of everything now."

I'm so sorry. You were fine till I came along. I messed you up. You're getting irritated with people that you used to be okay with, and it's my fault.
I'm sorry.


When I look at you I am completely disgusted. Beyond belief. I'm scared to death I'll become you. And that's the worst thought ever. Becoming the one thing I hate the most.
You came to me looking for advice today. You didn't know that I had warned him. That I had told him what you would do. I wish he had taken my advice, because you did exactly what I knew you would. And now you're acting like the victim. You aren't. He is. So stop acting like this.

I don't ever wanna be you.


Cause it's been 18 days
Since I'd look at myself
I don't wanna have to change
If I don't then no one will- eighteen days by saving abel

It's only temporary.

I'm so sick of all of this. You don't understand. I hate how you're mad at him now. You shouldn't be. Yeah, he was a dick to me, and you can't trust him with things, but you're only mad because of what happened with him and me. You're just saying you aren't.
Why couldn't you just tell me how you felt about the whole thing ages ago? Were you trying to protect me? Or did you just not wanna share your feelings about it? Because that actually pissed me off, quite a bit. But after the concert I was fine. Because that's what music does for me, it makes me happy. I also kind of enjoyed how people noticed how happy I've been.
"Meg, I think you finally have the sparkle back."
No, Mr. Sterling, the sparkle never left, it just dimmed for a little while.
I think Mr. Sterling is the most influential person in my life. I'm always scared of letting him down, or doing something wrong in his eyes.

"you should apply next year."
"Me? apply for drum major? No, nonono I can't do that."
"yeah why not? It's not that much harder, you just don't play as much. And you seem like you could do it."

I'm sorry sir Jeff Hock, but people like Heidi apply for drum major. People that are actually good.

"you didn't say bye to me."
"bye Jeff."
"Bye.. Megan?"
"just meg."
"I'll remember that."
I'd rather you didn't. I kind of hope I don't have to see you again anytime soon.


How do you know it's temporary? Yeah, we both want it to be. But things could change drastically. I feel like we'll be together in the future. But not necessarily in the near future...

I feel numb.

I ended it with the most amazing guy ever.
Why?
Because I am the biggest bitch I've ever met.
I fully understand why so many people hate me now.
It's all falling into place.
I broke up with you, for such a stupid reason, but we both know things won't work out now. I don't want him as anything more than a friend. I don't even want him as a friend. I just wanna know what happened.
I hate how big a deal I've made this.

And now everyone is forcing me to talk to him. Tim tried to bring me to him. He said he wasn't home, which he actually wasn't. He got her to call him. I really dislike that girl.
"I know what's going on, she likes him and he doesn't like her, and you're trying to get him to like her." Who the fuck do you think you are? You do realize me and Tim were dating like an hour before you said that. I also don't think you have the authority to tell me what's going on. But still you made me feel really bad, and I just wanted to go home and cry. What does it matter to you if I like him or not? I like Tim. Not that kid, I liked him once a long time ago, but that doesn't matter now anymore. Whatever happened to that girl who hadn't cried in three years? And now all of a sudden, I'm having breakdowns during band, and I seem to always be crying.

I miss you more than ever before, and I hate myself more than ever.

The only reason I called you so many times last night, it because I liked your calling tone. It's what I fell asleep to. It's a good song kid.

I fucked everything up again. Who would have guessed?
And please babe, don't blame this on yourself. This was me messing up really badly.
"when you have room in your heart, please consider me?" of course. I will always consider you

Zoo of misfit animals.

What do I do?
All these thoughts keep entering my head.
bad, terrible, horrid thoughts.
This isn't good.
Worst timing ever?
I'd say.
I wish I did it when I had the chance
That's a lie
I never had a chance.
Why am I doing this?

I feel like I don't belong here.
I mean there are people like me, and I get along just fine with them. But no one really knows what goes through my head half the time. Like in math when I get yelled at for not paying attention, who knows what I'm thinking about then? Or when we watch movies in civics. Today we watched a movie about our founding fathers, and then they just started talking about how Sam Adams and his wife had a good sexual relationship. Woahhhh, what? What does that have to do with anything? I payed attention to the whole movie, and then they said that, and my mind started drifting. To who knows what? Nobody but me. I used to worry that someday I'd meet a mind reader, and they would know exactly what I was thinking, that always scared the shit out of me. Someone being able to look deep inside my mind? No thanks. People always used to tell me to think before I spoke. But I learned a long time ago, that the more I thought, the more unlikely it was what I said would make sense. And I know I say vulgar things a lot. But that's not what I'm always thinking about. Some of the things I think about, I think would alarm a lot of people. I do think before I spoke, if I didn't, then we would have a problem.
There are so many people worrying about me now.
"you're so quiet nowadays"
"I used to be told I spoke too much, so isn't it good that I don't anymore?"
"No, because now I'm worried about what you're thinking about. You were always so outspoken, you always spoke your mind, what happened?"
Once again Mr. Sterling, I don't know. I've lost a lot of me in the past few months. I'm trying to get it back. But I feel like someone took it away from me. I should have never given him the power to do that. He didn't deserve it. Not in the least. But he did have it, and I can't change that.


Temptations; Why are people so willing to give into temptation? I know I am. But today I stopped myself from giving in, at least to that anyways. I feel like I'm gonna give into other things.

FUCK YOU.
Maybe that wasn't directed to me. Maybe it was. Who knows. If it is directed to me, go fuck yourself. And if it wasn't, babe, what's wrong?
OH MY GOD. what is wrong with me?
If it is me, that hurts so bad. I mean I kind of always figured you did, and was surprised when you said you didn't. And if it isn't me, I wish you would tell me about it. I wish we could just talk again.

Screw New York. Screw the fact that I'm not going. Screw the fact that the only band kid besides me not going, is you. And lastly screw the fact that we were supposed to hang out that weekend. We promised that we would hang out while everyone else was in New York. You know what would make everything better? What would make me forgive you for everything? If you kept your promise and hung out with me that weekend. For some reason, I would absolutely love you for that.
I wish you would.


"Cause I understand, I could tell everything's not fine
It's never alright to push away, I'm not as blind as you may think
And I'm tired of all that is
And I know that this time it's not all in my head"- unhappy by thriving ivory

I wanna know what happened to us.
"you guys were so close for so long, it's always sad when friendship fades away"
oh olivia papp I love you.
You don't even know how sad this makes me. When people ask about it, I say it doesn't bother me, but it does. It bothers me so much. You have absolutely no idea. I don't want people to know how much this has affected me. I feel pathetic and I'm ashamed of myself. Why did I let you get to me? I just, miss the way we used to be. You were my best friend, you were my escape. Please, just try to understand this. Please just try.

head up, people would kill to watch you fall.

"i hadn't seen half the stuff you have. for you to keep going is something that i envy from you. i have a hard enough time going through the minor shit i do. but you, i don't understand it."

"thats so much on your shoulders. i honestly don't know how you do everything you do. if i had gone through half the shit you have, i don't even know where i'd be. you're honestly one of the strongest girls i know."

Aura, I get through all this stuff, because I have people like you. Who I know care about me, and I care about. I'm always worried that if I give up, I'll let someone down, and they'll think it's okay for them to give up. It's never okay to give up.
Like I said, there's a reason I go through all the shit I do, it's because God knows I can handle it. He wouldn't give me challenges if He knew I couldn't overcome them. I'm strong because I'm supposed to be. I'm strong so I don't let people down.

I worry about all the people that have a hard time with stuff, and give up. I hate the idea of giving up, because that's what so many people want me to do. I don't want to satisfy them. I've always been strong headed. I don't wanna give people the satisfaction of watching me fall.

Like I said to Aura, if everything worked out instantly, we wouldn't grow from the experience. We'd all be shallow, and would expect everything to work out all the time.

"Don't take life so seriously, it isn't permanent."
this quote defines me.

babe, what's wrong?

I feel horrible.
Because I am a horrible person. Sorry Tim, but I am. No sane person does what I do.
And I'm hurting you so much, I don't mean to, I really really never meant to. But I am, because for some reason these feelings just won't go away. And because of that I've left you confused, and myself hurt.
"When I see you, I see a girl trying to act as normal as she can, but on the inside she's screaming for help."
How do you understand me so perfectly? Why am I not completely falling for you? You are absolutely amazing, and Xander, well he's just Xander. There's no other way to describe it. He told me we were best friends, talked to me everyday, promised to hang out. And then one day, he stopped talking to me. I don't know if it's because he didn't want to like me anymore, or he just got sick of me. But that hurt more than anyone can ever imagine. He was this guy, that I had absolutely fallen for. When he messaged me, my heart beat faster, when we talked in the hallways I couldn't stop smiling, and football games were my favorite, because I spent them with him. But when he stopped talking to me I'd wait for a message and never get it, I'd fix his hood in the hallway, he wouldn't turn around, and he ignored me completely at football games. And that my friends, hurt so so so badly. I could have been in love with him, but I refuse to think that's what it was, falling in love always ends up with someone hurt. So maybe I did fall in love, because I'm definitely hurt. Oh, and the best part, HE thinks I hate him. What??? I could never ever hate him, for the past five months I've been trying to figure out why he hates me so much, and what I did to him. Turns out, he doesn't hate me. What does that mean? And when I tried to talk to him on the phone last night, he said no, because he didn't think it was appropriate since I'm dating Tim. Tim says it's okay, because I need to talk to him face to face. But no one understands that I can't do that.
"can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him?"
Not now Tim, not after everything that's happened, maybe if we were friends again.

"meg please don't cry."
What you didn't know is that I had been crying, I'd been crying since I told you everything about us. And then we started talking about Xander, and well, whenever I talk about him, I cry.
"meg, do you dream about him?"
I dream about him a lot. I don't sleep hardly at all anymore, because I want those dreams to go away, I don't want them here. I don't need them, they aren't helping me.
"I'm gonna tell him how he can make it with Jade"
I don't want him to make it with Jade. Because no matter what she's gonna hurt him. She likes a new guy almost every week, he told me that months ago when he stopped liking her then. I just don't want her to hurt him.
"babe, I just, don't know what to do. What am I supposed to do, you'll never have the same feelings for me that you have for him"
Tim, they will never be the same, but I DO have feelings for you, I have strong feelings for you, and I don't wanna lose you because of him. And because of what I felt for him.
I want him back as a friend, that's all, I want you as my boyfriend

LABOR?!

MY SISTER IS IN LABOR!
hopefully I won't have to video tape it this time.

Alex was supposed to come bowling with me and Aura, but ditched us. And now he's not picking up his phone. ALEX I TOLD YOU MY SISTER WOULD BE IN LABOR SOON, SO PICK UP YOUR PHONE! gah.

I need goldfish, its my personal favorite for "my sisters in labor, I need food".
But then again, goldfish is like my crack, and I have like five bags a day at school.
So I guess its just my drug...

Hey Audrey Castillo, I just wanted you to know my sister's naming her baby Audrey(:

You're being a dick.
I don't know if it's because you're around your friends, or what.
But it's really pissing me off.
A lot more than you know. You keep getting pissed at me for no reason, and it's not fair. I'm trying to make this work, but it doesn't seem like you are anymore.

i really wish you didn't feel like you had to end it with me.

Mental breakdowns;I've had a lot of those lately, haven't I?

Everything is falling apart.
My friendships.
My relationship.
My family.
My life

girl, you drive me up the wall sometimes. I can't trust you anymore. And I have replaced you. Because you replaced me too. Think about it. I know they're your best friends now. But why does that mean we can't be friends anymore? Wtf am I supposed to do? We haven't actually talked in months. And I have all these people coming up and telling me we aren't friends anymore, when did that happen? When did you give up on our friendship?
I want us to remain friends. Because I need you, and you need me. So why can't we work this out? We've worked it out all the other times.
High school has changed us. I know it's changed me, I've changed for the worse for the most part. I dunno about you. I'm just worried about you.


Relationships; sigh. These never work out for me. I don't actually like relationships. But I thought that maybe because you're so amazing, that'd change. But it hasn't. It hasn't changed at all. I like you soooo much, you have no idea, I just... Don't like relationships.


My family; what is with them nowadays? They take everything out on me. I spend most of my time in my room now, in desperate hopes of avoiding them. But the moment I come out of my room I'm attacked. Josh, you have NO authority over me, so stop acting like my dad. My dad was never there for me, so I definitely don't need you telling me what to do. Hey mommie dearest. Fxck you. I don't even talk to you anymore. And when I try to tell you whats bothering me, you act like its no big deal. It is a big deal. It's a fxcking huge deal. My life is falling apart, and you don't even give a fxck. Hey Stephen, yeah I can't even call you Dad anymore. Because you stopped being one of those ages ago.
I absolutely hate being at home. Which is why I sleep all the time.
Mom, does it even bother you that I might not make it to sophomore year? Because it doesn't seem like it. If I bring home a good test grade you don't even congratulate me on it. And when I bring home F's and D's, you still don't care. Like I've said before, why should I try to succeed if you don't care either way?

I'm being so emotional right now. I hate being emotional. Emotions are for weak people. I'm stronger than this. I hate myself. Strong headed, that's what I've always been. So why can't I just get over all this?

because it feels like I have nothing left to live for anymore

I just wanna go get wasted.
NO MEG. SHUT UP. YOU AREN'T DOING THIS ANYMORE.
everyone hates it when you do this, it makes them disappointed in you. And you HATE that. so don't do it.


Its no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy
Cuz every now and then I kick the living shit out of me- my own worst enemy by Lit.

I can't do this anymore!- gunther.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.
you don't even know why I'm apologizing. You don't need to know. It's okay.
Babe, why do you put up with me?

I'm really worried. About Obama.
I'm reading Revelation.
I'm also worried that I'm pushing away one of the best things I have.

hey Alex. Thanks for being there and making me feel better. Because I feel like a horrible person, and although you telling me I'm not doesn't change my mind, it does make me feel a little better.

Help?


10:11pm Cameron: lets have a child
10:11pm Meg: can we? haha.
10:12pm Cameron: lets do it
10:12pm Meg: whennn?
10:13pm Cameron: tomorrow, in the bathroom. your boyfriend doesn't need to know
10:13pm Meg: haha. when did you decide this?
10:14pm Cameron: just now

oh man. I love this boy.
He makes me smile at just the right times(:
I love how I can be perfectly honest with him, because he won't be disappointed in me. Everyone else is. They always are. I'm just a huge disappointment to everyone, but mostly myself. No matter what I do, I let someone down. I wish I wasn't the way I was. I wish I could stay in a relationship. I wish I wasn't so flirty with everyone. I wish everyone didn't hate me for stupid reasons. I wish I could make everyone happy. But no matter what I do people always end up disappointed. And even when I do make people happy, I normally end up disappointing myself.
There's no way to win.

excuse me. That my sister seat.

that girl in my english class, is so weird...


I love how everyone's freaking out about the music dept. being cut. They can't actually cut the music department. Do you know how stupid they would have to be?
"Let's cut the music kids, who are actually the smartest kids in the school. Let's see how far down our test grades go." idiots. And besides last year the same thing was said. Just because they talk about it, doesn't mean they'll do it. If they get rid of the music dept I'm definitely moving to bedford. Sorry, but Band is my life, and it's one of the only reasons I go to school anymore.

This is so horrible.
I feel like you and me are getting distant. And I don't know. We're kind of in a rut aren't we?

haha, apparently I have a sore throat, from giving to much head. oh stuart(:



ALEX AND AURA?!
pffffft best friends. I've known Alex for not even a week yet, but whatever(:
He's pretty cool. And I can already tell that I'll be able to trust him(:
Aura! Best friends babe(: I've known you for more than half my life. But we only started really talking this year. She means the world to me. And I love that she lives two houses away. It's awfully convenient.
Alex Aura and I all have an obsession with Hitler.
SEX WITH THE MAN WHO TRIED TO KILL ALL THE JEWS!
Haha, I love how Alex thinks I'm funny and a good writer.
what a loser:D
we're going glow bowling on saturday! hopefully I can get money to gooo...


I think I'm gonna get back into writing songs...
I miss writing music.


Sinking lower into the sea of despair.
could you, could you be my lifesaver?
I'll work on this song more later.
haha.

anything with my best friend will be fun.

Why is that whenever I talk to you, I feel depressed? You make me laugh and everything, but when we stop talking, I just feel low. The same thing happened with Stuart months ago. We'd hang out for hours, but I'd walk home completely depressed. What's the deal? I shouldn't feel low after talking to you, I should feel happy? right? You're gonna be my best friend, I can already tell. I just have to figure out why I feel so horrible after talking to you, and then we'll be all set.
Hanging with Alex on Saturday?! Bowling and a fiesta of hugs?! this kid is legit gonna be my new best friend(:

I'm hanging with Hugo on Wednesday! I missed my Asian so much, babe, you're amazing. I wish I could have been there for you lately, but a lot of things have come up. We'll catch up on Wednesday, okay?
(:

Hanging with Tim on Sunday? maybe, I never know for sure.

I feel a lot better about last night. Because I realized we didn't do anything bad. And talking to Taylor for hours always helps(: He gives AMAZING advice.

And as far as the whole dream thing. Whatever. Like Taylor said, it's my sub conscious, I can't do anything about it.

HAHAHAH! david<3
I'm a vanophile. I rape vans. That could get pretty hot.
OH GOD DAVID, I just thought of all the parts of a van you could do.
Like I could do it in the exhaust pipe and the muffler, and the fuel injection hole

haha aww man I love this kid(:

oh boy.

I almost lost it there. Like it was an eleven on the scale. I almost gave in. I knew you wanted it, too, even though you said you didn't. I'm kind of ashamed of myself. It shouldn't have gotten that bad. But it did, and there's nothing I can do about it. I enjoyed tonight, I did, I just feel... I dunno. Kind of bad.
I feel like I shouldn't have pushed it as much as I did.
and yes, I am going to say it, I'M SORRY.
so there.
And I know you're all happy now, but, don't you feel bad at all? I pushed it too far, it went, too far.

Don't get me wrong, it was great, and amazing, it really was. But, it just...
I feel so scared now. Like I can't believe I almost went as far as I did. I almost lost something very valuable.

asdfghjkl;
I don't even know what to say.
I just dunno.

Meg! Do you wanna get abducted?!

Meg, you know I've been wanting this as long as you have, maybe even longer?
What's with these dreams? I'm not okay with them. Sure they reflect everything I wish had happened. What I wish could still happen. But I'm in no place to be having these dreams.
Why can't I just be over this? Why can't it just go away. I have a feeling that you didn't wanna do this. And I hope you feel bad for hurting me so much. Couldn't we just be friends again? Couldn't we just talk again?
I wish this had actually happened, but it didn't, it never will. It can't. Good thing this was all just a dream, right? It doesn't mean anything. It's like the elephant dream. Do you remember that one? Well, I do. It was a stupid dream, but that one was trying to tell me something. But this one, this one doesn't mean anything. This one can't mean anything.


I hung out with Chris and Stuart till like one in the morning last night.
We ordered a pizza, and gave the guy $18 in dimes and quarters. He was genuinely pissed off. When he left he called me a bitch. I don't think he knew then that we only gave him a seventy five cent tip.
I hate the things these boys make me do<3
We went to Troy's earlier. Ha, travis. I had hoped I wasn't going to see you.
>.<

I love how when I call Tim now, I end up talking to his friends, not him. Like I talked on the phone with greg for like an hour and a half the other night, before he put me on speaker. And then when I called you yesterday, Taylor picked up and asked if I wanted to get abducted. And then you asked.

I'm so glad you're okay. You could have gotten really hurt. :/




Like a runaway
Spend these nights counting stars
Like a runaway
And maybe I could call this home tonight
Like a runaway - runaway by thriving ivory

jumanji.

I look to the heavens, but all I see is clouds- akl.
you guys are pretty okay(:

Meg, why are you doing this to yourself.
please stop. All the other times, you ended up losing the best thing you've got going.
Don't do it again.

I only wish me telling myself was enough. It's gonna happen, I know it will, I'll come up with some lame excuse. And that'll be the end of it. I don't want it to happen. But in a way, I kind of do, this what I do, this is who I am. And I can't believe the reason I have this time.
>.<
What is wrong with me?

I can't do this again.


I didn't go to school today.
I was soo sick.I threw up like fourteen times>.<

my mom and I are trying to order Chinese food. I really want tofu(:
really really badly.
whatever though, I'll probably just end up throwing it up anyways.

get your wing son.

"I'm stealing your orange juice"
"No, Stuart, my mom just bought that, she'll be so pissed at me."
"Okay then, look that way while I leave with it, so when she asks you can say you don't know happened to it."
"No, Stuart, give me back my orange juice."
"I'm putting it back!"
"No, I'm taking it."
"That's not fair! I was gonna pretend to put it there and then take it."

haha, I love my best friend. Is it not enough that he drinks out of the carton?
But he steals food from Troy's house and brings it to me, so its okay. Mmmm, Framboises:DDD

(8:00:25 PM) troy: so cute
(8:00:34 PM) meg: what?
(8:00:37 PM) troy: you and tim
(8:00:45 PM) meg: haha why do you say that?
(8:00:55 PM) troy: saw you guys kissing today
(8:01:01 PM) meg: where? haha
(8:01:05 PM) troy: and then your bag fell off your shoulder
(8:01:13 PM) meg: haha. when?
(8:01:51 PM) troy: today around 2:40

I think Troy is the biggest stalker I've ever met(:
What a creeper.

So dude gave me his number at the pizza place.
Why are guys noticing me all of a sudden? They've never noticed before.
Has something changed?


HAHA, "is she sitting with us again tomorrow?
she was pretty cool. I was dying all of lunch. it was amazing."
you were pretty chill, too. The only reason I sat there though, is because I needed food(:


"You can find him sittin’ on your doorstep
Waiting for the surprise
It will feel like he’s been there for hours
And you can tell that he’ll be there for life"- daydreamer by adele.

please meg, don't let you do this to yourself. You have a good thing going. A great thing. Don't let yourself ruin it, not again.

"hahaha well then she must be a lying stupid cracker bitch, no you know what? she wishes she could be a cracker :) lol"
you know what kid? we could be best friends(:
And I'm glad you said you're okay with that. Because it doesn't matter if you are, or not, but agreeing with me, just makes it easier:D
I sound so creepy(:


This is a pointless blog.

I'm supposed to be doing my science project, but instead I'm playing twenty questions with Alex...
and on the phone with timmm!
(:

Go directly to jail, do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars.

I feel, dead.
yes that's the word, and Case pointed it out to me. She wasn't telling me I'm dead, but the way she described it, I knew it was me.
I don't care anymore, I go home and sleep. It's all I do. And when I'm awake all I think about it going back to sleep. I realized I was never stressed when I used to do this either. I just, didn't let anything effect me
" I have this halfway place, a rest stop on the road to sleep, where I can lay for hours. I don't even need to close my eyes, just stay under the covers and breathe."- Speak.
This, explains it perfectly. I don't think about anything, I just lay there. It's my way of running away, just not acknowledging anything. You called me today, while I was in my favorite place. You called to tell me about our date tonight, and how it wasn't gonna happen. I said it was okay, and you said as you always do, "No it isn't", sweetie it is okay, it means I can just lay here for so much longer. There's nothing wrong with me, I promise, this is just how I cope. This is how I make sure nothing gets to me. Why do you think the whole Xander thing didn't bother me for so long. It wasn't until you told me I needed to stop running from things that I realized how much I missed him. You helped me get over that, too. You're always there. But you've never known the girl, the one who I really am, the one dead to the world half the time.

I should be doing my assignments due tomorrow, but I just wanna lay here for a while longer. Maybe, just maybe, this is why I did so terribly last semester. I procrastinated, in the worst way. I procrastinated without doing anything at all. I procrastinated life.

I hoped it would just go on without me, so I could lay there, and just watch everything change. But I've changed, too. I had to. I didn't want to. No, I just wanna go back to seventh grade, when my parents were together, and everything was okay. Yeah, I was still keeping a horrible secret, and yeah, life wasn't amazing exactly. But it was the best time of my life. Or on field day last year, when you just lay there on the grass with me, and we made clover jewelery, those were the things that made up my life. Just the small things.

I played monopoly with Avery in study hall today. And it made me wonder why I liked him for so long, haha. But it also made me think about life. In a weird way, that only I'd understand. There was something about playing monopoly that made me think about things I'd like to change. Things I might not be able to change. Things that will never change. And the things that I wish would change, but the way they look now, it doesn't look like they will.

This is a depressing blog.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
But babe, can you let me run away for a little while, just let me go back to the way I was? I need to get away from everything for a little while, just recharge I guess you could say.

For now, I'm just gonna go back to sleep.
No, no, I can't. I need to do my assignment.
I have to do it, if I wanna get into a level three english, I need to do this.
And if I wanna pass science this semester, I need to do this. I'm gonna do this.


my mom brought home the divorce papers yesterday. No one understands how much this hurts.

I'm just gonna go lay down. Let this all pass over me.

It sounds like winter.

HAHA, spending after school with Megan and Erika practicing; best way to spend my time.
I still wicked need to talk to Megan though...

Nihco and Stuart, two of my favorite people, but alas, I do not particularly favor walking in the twelve degree weather in dark. HAHA, but of course Stuart, being the tank he is, was not wearing a shirt. I'd say that's pretty impressive.(:

And frankly Mr. Sterling did you really have to make me talk to the one person I'd rather not speak to?
But I mean, it didn't go as bad as I thought it would. It was almost like we were friends again. I know that the way I said things to him were just cold, but he didn't get angry with me. And we just talked. Well, about him lending me a baritone sax, but still. Even though I know we aren't friends and that we won't be ever again, it's cool to know he isn't gonna be a dick to me(:


Sorry about this morning sweetie, that was my bad.
>.<



Things didn't go the way I thought they would at lunch. If I knew we were only gonna talk about scheduling I wouldn't have bothered.

"I dropped out".

I don't wanna talk to you.
Please, stop messaging me.
The last thing I need is you back in my life.
I can't deal with you.
And I may seem fine, but I'm not.
Just stop. You know this is a bad idea.

We are better together

God.
His name. It's so simple. But yet he's complex. He works in mysterious ways. And I never know what he's gonna do next.
Fate; I don't know if its fate exactly, I think it's destiny, God's intention. The fact that I told Case I'd go to church today, what was that about? I did not intend to go to church today, or ever again. Well, not THAT church. So why did I go? Well I'll tell you this: being with my kids again in the rockers room, playing with two year olds again. Sitting in service, and for the first time in a long time, actually paying attention, make me wonder why I don't continue to go to church.
But then there's you. You came up and talked to me for the first time in months. You have no idea how much that meant to me. But you don't understand that it hurts when you act like nothing happened, and that we're back to the way we used to be. Because you stopped talking to me for months. And you can't just act like that never happened.

I went to reckless last night. And, I don't think I can explain this through words.
"God is gonna be in this room tonight."
I thought this man was stupid. God? Ha. There's no such thing. Where has God been these past few months?(He was there, I just pushed him away.)
Laughing at this man, was the stupidest thing I've ever done. Because twenty minutes later, I was crying my eyes out, and pouring my heart out to this lady I'd hardly just met. I want God back. I do. I realized that even though I forgot about him for months, he never gave up on me.


Please hold me close
I can’t stop shaking
It’s not for fear
My walls are breaking down- can't live without you by Bebo Norman
I wish I could go to his concert.
He's amazingggg(: