Zoo of misfit animals.

What do I do?
All these thoughts keep entering my head.
bad, terrible, horrid thoughts.
This isn't good.
Worst timing ever?
I'd say.
I wish I did it when I had the chance
That's a lie
I never had a chance.
Why am I doing this?

I feel like I don't belong here.
I mean there are people like me, and I get along just fine with them. But no one really knows what goes through my head half the time. Like in math when I get yelled at for not paying attention, who knows what I'm thinking about then? Or when we watch movies in civics. Today we watched a movie about our founding fathers, and then they just started talking about how Sam Adams and his wife had a good sexual relationship. Woahhhh, what? What does that have to do with anything? I payed attention to the whole movie, and then they said that, and my mind started drifting. To who knows what? Nobody but me. I used to worry that someday I'd meet a mind reader, and they would know exactly what I was thinking, that always scared the shit out of me. Someone being able to look deep inside my mind? No thanks. People always used to tell me to think before I spoke. But I learned a long time ago, that the more I thought, the more unlikely it was what I said would make sense. And I know I say vulgar things a lot. But that's not what I'm always thinking about. Some of the things I think about, I think would alarm a lot of people. I do think before I spoke, if I didn't, then we would have a problem.
There are so many people worrying about me now.
"you're so quiet nowadays"
"I used to be told I spoke too much, so isn't it good that I don't anymore?"
"No, because now I'm worried about what you're thinking about. You were always so outspoken, you always spoke your mind, what happened?"
Once again Mr. Sterling, I don't know. I've lost a lot of me in the past few months. I'm trying to get it back. But I feel like someone took it away from me. I should have never given him the power to do that. He didn't deserve it. Not in the least. But he did have it, and I can't change that.


Temptations; Why are people so willing to give into temptation? I know I am. But today I stopped myself from giving in, at least to that anyways. I feel like I'm gonna give into other things.

FUCK YOU.
Maybe that wasn't directed to me. Maybe it was. Who knows. If it is directed to me, go fuck yourself. And if it wasn't, babe, what's wrong?
OH MY GOD. what is wrong with me?
If it is me, that hurts so bad. I mean I kind of always figured you did, and was surprised when you said you didn't. And if it isn't me, I wish you would tell me about it. I wish we could just talk again.

Screw New York. Screw the fact that I'm not going. Screw the fact that the only band kid besides me not going, is you. And lastly screw the fact that we were supposed to hang out that weekend. We promised that we would hang out while everyone else was in New York. You know what would make everything better? What would make me forgive you for everything? If you kept your promise and hung out with me that weekend. For some reason, I would absolutely love you for that.
I wish you would.


"Cause I understand, I could tell everything's not fine
It's never alright to push away, I'm not as blind as you may think
And I'm tired of all that is
And I know that this time it's not all in my head"- unhappy by thriving ivory

I wanna know what happened to us.
"you guys were so close for so long, it's always sad when friendship fades away"
oh olivia papp I love you.
You don't even know how sad this makes me. When people ask about it, I say it doesn't bother me, but it does. It bothers me so much. You have absolutely no idea. I don't want people to know how much this has affected me. I feel pathetic and I'm ashamed of myself. Why did I let you get to me? I just, miss the way we used to be. You were my best friend, you were my escape. Please, just try to understand this. Please just try.