I feel, dead.
yes that's the word, and Case pointed it out to me. She wasn't telling me I'm dead, but the way she described it, I knew it was me.
I don't care anymore, I go home and sleep. It's all I do. And when I'm awake all I think about it going back to sleep. I realized I was never stressed when I used to do this either. I just, didn't let anything effect me
" I have this halfway place, a rest stop on the road to sleep, where I can lay for hours. I don't even need to close my eyes, just stay under the covers and breathe."- Speak.
This, explains it perfectly. I don't think about anything, I just lay there. It's my way of running away, just not acknowledging anything. You called me today, while I was in my favorite place. You called to tell me about our date tonight, and how it wasn't gonna happen. I said it was okay, and you said as you always do, "No it isn't", sweetie it is okay, it means I can just lay here for so much longer. There's nothing wrong with me, I promise, this is just how I cope. This is how I make sure nothing gets to me. Why do you think the whole Xander thing didn't bother me for so long. It wasn't until you told me I needed to stop running from things that I realized how much I missed him. You helped me get over that, too. You're always there. But you've never known the girl, the one who I really am, the one dead to the world half the time.
I should be doing my assignments due tomorrow, but I just wanna lay here for a while longer. Maybe, just maybe, this is why I did so terribly last semester. I procrastinated, in the worst way. I procrastinated without doing anything at all. I procrastinated life.
I hoped it would just go on without me, so I could lay there, and just watch everything change. But I've changed, too. I had to. I didn't want to. No, I just wanna go back to seventh grade, when my parents were together, and everything was okay. Yeah, I was still keeping a horrible secret, and yeah, life wasn't amazing exactly. But it was the best time of my life. Or on field day last year, when you just lay there on the grass with me, and we made clover jewelery, those were the things that made up my life. Just the small things.
I played monopoly with Avery in study hall today. And it made me wonder why I liked him for so long, haha. But it also made me think about life. In a weird way, that only I'd understand. There was something about playing monopoly that made me think about things I'd like to change. Things I might not be able to change. Things that will never change. And the things that I wish would change, but the way they look now, it doesn't look like they will.
This is a depressing blog.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
But babe, can you let me run away for a little while, just let me go back to the way I was? I need to get away from everything for a little while, just recharge I guess you could say.
For now, I'm just gonna go back to sleep.
No, no, I can't. I need to do my assignment.
I have to do it, if I wanna get into a level three english, I need to do this.
And if I wanna pass science this semester, I need to do this. I'm gonna do this.
my mom brought home the divorce papers yesterday. No one understands how much this hurts.
I'm just gonna go lay down. Let this all pass over me.
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