And heart abandoned.

Rain makes me happy.
Come sit on the roof with me?

Today was good. Still have Ignite later. I don't know if I'll go or not.
I'll call you and ask if you wanna go.
But you'll probably say no.
You always have.
I don't know why you would say yes now.



"God made you special, and he loves you really much."


I feel heartless.
Why don't I just ask you what's wrong?
Sometimes I feel like it's my fault.
But I don't think I mean enough to cause you pain.

Fire fall down.

Last night was just full of coincidences.

We were standing there praying.
And I started praying for broken families.
Whether they have one single parent, divorced parents, two moms, two dads, they don't have parents at all, or they're family is all together.

Sometimes all of these can be deadly. I've always found that the last one seems the worst. They can play it off as though everything's fine. Just to keep that perfect family image. But when my Mom told me that she filed the divorce papers, it hurt more than I'd let show.
Reckless was filled with tears, and staring off into the distance.
It's true that my family was nowhere near perfect when we were all together, but at least we pretended to be happy. No one bothers to pretend anymore.

My mom goes shopping constantly, and then tells us we don't have money for food.
My dad's too willing to do anything for my sister and I. As though winning us over, would win my mom over too.
My sister gets random fits of rage. She used to get those a lot. But they went away for a while.
And then there's me. I go through the day, neither happy nor sad in total. Happy at some points, horribly depressed at others. But I still try to act like everything is fine.

I was also thinking about that one thing everyone says, when they go to kill themselves.
"I have nothing left to live for."
But wouldn't that mean you also have nothing to die for?
I think I'd much rather live for nothing, and find something to live for, than to die for nothing.
But then again, the suicide thing has never really made much sense to me.
I suppose it would make sense to those who are attempting it. But once again, "those who stand for nothing, will fall for everything."

Maybe this is why I get so many people calling me to help them not commit suicide.
Because I think it's stupid. No, not stupid, just a waste of time.
I always have a hard time explaining to people why they shoulddn't kill themselves.
But they never have, so either they were just trying to get attention, or I actually helped them.
I'd rather not think about people saying they were going to commit suicide even if they had no intention. Suicide is a serious matter, something you should not lie about.


"Deeper and deeper I wanna fall.
Deeper an deeper I wanna fall, in love."

I've finally decided to get baptized. A lot of people will be disappointed when I say it won't be at MCC. But it just wouldn't seem right to be baptized at a place, that wasn't really the place where I found my faith.

Take my hand

"Now I know your ways
'cause they're just like mine"



You say we're different now. But I think we're more alike than ever.
You ran away from everything.
You might deny it, but that's kind of what it was.
You took a break from the present, to analyze the past.
Isn't that what I do to some extent?
Oh, well.
I honestly still need you.
I wish you could see that...


That movie was interesting.
And it made me jump.
I won't have nightmares, though.
Even if I do, I won't remember them.


FRITLER!
what more is there to say?





"And I'm dying to win
'cause I'm born to lose"

Defines me.

I'm looking at your world upsidedown.

I'm so sick of just walking through my day.
And when I say they're all the same, they aren't. Each day becomes increasingly worse.

The only thing that made me happy today, was my science grade.
Yeah dude, B. take that Mrs. Roy.

I love how Mr. Howe has pushed up this essay thing by two weeks.
That means I get to procrastinate a little bit more.

I need to type up my drum major essay.
It's not very good. At all.
It's just basically me writing about how disgusted I am with this whole competition. And how I had no motivation to join into it. But I wrote the essay, so I guess I gave in...

Hugo, you make my days brighter, everyday.
I'm sorry you can't go to the movies with us tomorrow.
I was really hoping you could.
I love you, you knew that, right?


I'm not gonna lie. When I see you, I automatically smile.
I always feel the need to say something. Like ask you for a ride, even though I don't really want one. I'll come up with all these excuses as why you should give me a ride. But it's just because I want to talk to you. Say something, anything.
I still get that shock when you touch me.
asdfghjkl; I don't like it very much.


Olivia Gunther might be able to go camping with me!
<3



"I've never been so lost
I've never felt so much at home"- I woke up in a car by Something Corporate

There's quiet in the streets now

I have to do my Hitler report thing.
It's due tomorrow.
Yup, outta be great...

Thank you for the ride home.
I thought you had left me behind.
(:


"Hey now, we're bleeding for nothing
It's hard to breathe when you're standing on your own
We'll kill ourselves to find freedom
You'll kill yourself to find anything"- hey now by Augustana.


I found a box of pictures from when I was much much younger.
So tell me why everyone looks so happy in those photos?
Because that's the farthest thing from what we always were.
It's just another one of the shows my family was always putting on.



"You say good-bye
Every day and night
With writing on the walls
Everybody's gonna need somebody
To take our troubles, and our worries, and our problems all away"

You can't be that for me. I know that.
I honestly wish you could be.
But we all know now that won't happen. At least, not anytime soon.
I love it when you give me that smile though.
It's the smile you always gave me when you thought I was being funny.
You smile, and then do a little sigh, look down, and then walk away.
But you always turn around when I walk away.
(:
I need to stop blogging now.
And go do my report thing.
ha, sureee...

Or if I'm just missing the sun

Everyone's driving me insane.
In the middle of Civics, I just go so angry, for no reason at all.
Because I had been thinking about how even the people who call me their friends, treat me like crap.
And it didn't help that we watching a movie with George Bush speaking.
He was such a terrible speaker...
At least Obama has that going for him, but that's about all he has.



I'm just really disgusted with everyone. And how we treat our enemies, and our friends the same. Maybe you're joking when you do it to your friends. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.




You know you have the biggest impact on me still. So please just think about how much the things you say hurt, before you say them. Or actually acknowledge my existance every now and then?





I wonder if DeNutte liked that juice?
Oh DeNutte<3
:D


The Merrow Vista thing tonight made me more sad than anything.
Probably just because that was the one thing that took me away from everything I was dealing with then.
You were the only thing that took me away from everything I'm dealing with now.
I need a new anchor. Something that can't leave. Something that won't ever change.


Summer is so close.
Close enough that I can start day dreaming about leaving this hell hole.
Well not leaving.
But I get to sleep all summer, or whenever I want.
Do whatever I want.
My mom will be gone most of the time.
The only adults will be my brothers, and they're always at work.
It's not like people pay attention to me here normally.
Road trips galore.
Concert with Olivia.
Camping trip with Tim and random people.
Reckless trip.
Random drives with Taylor? probably.
Hanging out with Michi.
Being around people, who actually like me(:
I won't have to put up with anyone I don't want to.
I'm ready for the best summer of my life.
Please come quickly, and stay a while.

"And lately the weather has been so Bi-polar and consequently so have I" - high of seventy five by Relient K.

This explains you. At least that's what I'm going with.

a pebble in the water makes a ripple effect.

I don't totally understand how boys work anymore.
I know what they do for other girls, and what they do when they hang out.
But once they start acting weird towards me, I have no idea what they're doing.




"That's my hand you're touching."- meg
"No, unless your hand is oddly metallic."-nihco
"Well, not anymore, but you were touching it."
"I'm feeling up your saxophone."
"I'm feeling up Meg's hands.- toby.
"Okay, alright, how about we all just feel up Meg's hands."
"No I'm all set."
"That's because you know you can do that whenever you want, Toby."
"Yeah, this is a rare occurence for me. Don't ruin it."



If only his girlfriend knew that he and I are friends. That he and I are supposed to be good friends. That we used to be. Until she came along.











You are so stupid.
You know you can just come and talk to me. You don't have to look at me every few seconds.
Because that's just annoying.
I don't hate you, not in the least.
I think you're extremely stupid, but you could change that.
I'd like to think we'll be friends again.
Maybe not soon.
But I know we will be someday.
Somehow, someway.
It'll happen.
I don't really care whether it does, but if it gets you to stop looking at me constantly, then I'll go for it.


I hate parades.
I mean I always get to pumped before them, but then during, I just feel sick.
This is the only parade that I've ever been in, that I didn't faint in.
:D
I'm so proud of myself.
I think it may because when we weren't playing I'd see you turn around and look at me.
That made me smile.
She doesn't deserve you.
I'm not saying I do either. I know I don't.
I just know, that you're better than her.
I honestly don't think anyone's good enough for you.
And even though you should be, you aren't full of yourself at all.
But this I know, you miss us being friends.
I can tell in the way you look at me.

Maybe I can tell things about guys.
Doesn't matter, I'll always get confused.
And there will always be that one guy, that is so unpredictable, he's the most confusing of all.


"ohhh, you dated Tim Wood, right? He was my bus buddy on the New York trip. He's really annoying, I don't know how you put up with him."

I always want to punch people in the face when they say things about you.
Because they have no idea how you actually are.


"Hey are you still dating that boy?"
"no."
"You aren't? What happened?"
"It ended."
"You'll tell me about it later, won't you?"
"Sure, Nihco.

Just goes to show how out of my life you've been in the past few months.
You're welcome back anytime.
But we both know, that as long as you're dating her, we can't be good friends.
I don't want you to break up with her. No no, she makes you happy.
I like it when you're happy.
Less mood swings. You still take those out on me sometimes though.
Does she know you have them? Do you take them out on her?
I wish I was in your life again.
Just say the word.
And I will be(:

"I see it in the way you would do
What no one else could ever get through"- for those nights I can't remember by Hedley.

I'm glad to know that I'm one of the few people, you've ever told anything to.
You've apparently told me more, than you have her.
That makes me smile(:
But I also feel horrible.
She looked sick the whole parade, I wanted to ask if she was okay.
But she hates me so much...

over thinking.

Thank you Taylor, for that call at 2:45 in the morning.
Even though I'm exhausted now, it helped, a lot.


I don't know if I liked our main topic, but I guess it's something I always have something to say about.
That boy still just makes me want to kill people, so sometimes I still need to vent about him.

And I wasn't kidding when I said I'd always care about him. Even after all he did to me, I'll still remember the best part of our relationship, too.
Don't ever regret something that used to make you smile.

I did tell you however, that if I could, I would have never talked to him. Or at least started our friendship off with a different topic. That doesn't mean I regret. That just means I wish things had gone differently.

you kicked a door in my face.
I honestly don't know what that was supposed to mean.
It's not like I meant to be the only person with you in the band room that day.
I would have rather been in there with ANYONE else.
That whole day was just irritating.


Hey, if you're mad at me, remember that promise you made about telling me about it, instead of ignoring my calls?
yeahh, well, you could pick up your phone so I don't feel like I need to leave an abnormally long voicemail.
And if you aren't mad, maybe you're just sick of me again.
Or maybe it's nothing at all.
Maybe I think too much.

take a leap of faith

"pains of hunger won't go away, haven't gone away in years " permanent ink by attaboy.


I absolutely give up.
No matter what I do, I mess stuff up.
No more trying to please people.
It doesn't work anyways.


"It ain't nothing but a chicken wang."
haha, Justin Concepcion, you make me smile.


"You're getting better."
you mean at not touching people?
The fact that I have the urge to, but quickly withdraw? And then feel completely horrible about it afterwards? I guess if that's getting better, I'm heading in the right direction.


I had a horrible night.
Chris's depression didn't help very much.
John rubbing that girl on the car ride didn't either.
Aura getting annoyed with everyone, yup that definitely helped...
You looking so sad.
Hugo looking at me like he wanted me to help him.

I had the strongest urge to tell Chris that he could call me whenever he needed me.
But that didn't seem very appropriate to me.
He just looked, so sad.


I'm sorry Zane.



"you are stronger than you think"

I don't give up.
I just wish I'd stop meeting new people.
And just forget the old ones.

I'd always forgive you.

p.s.
I did try to talk to you.
you never responded.
I didn't overreact to anything.
You asked me to tell you.
I did.
This is your fault, not mine, so for once, instead of apologizing for everything, apologize for the thing you actually did. I'm not apologizing, because I didn't do anything.
You can go to Small group, I wasn't planning on going anyways. I'm sick of being over anaylzed in the group now. I'm sick of Aline always getting mad at me for the littlest things. I don't feel welcome there now.


Yesterday was my Parents anniversary.
My Dad came over and brought flowers.
It was the saddest thing I've ever seen.
My Mom came in, and said "Oooo Flowers, whose are those?"
I don't think she read the card.

Sin City; epic movie.
of course, it wouldn't have been as funny if it weren't for Tim's sound effects.
hahaha, Aren't you glad I chose that movie? :P

I'm so sick of people, except for about twenty.
I wish everyone else would just leave me alone.


I don't feel welcome at MCC anymore, at all, actually.
It just doesn't feel familiar anymore.
I'll ask Aura if I can go to church with her and Chris tomorrow.

comfortably numb

You and I in a little toy shop
Buy a bag of balloons with the money we've got
Set them free at the break of dawn
'Til one by one they were gone




I love the fact that they start singing in German(:
Ich liebe, auf Deutsch zu singen:D

There's so many things I could say to you right now.
I'd really rather not though.
You'll read them, and then argue that I'm wrong.
And maybe I am, but the way you act towards me still, is kind of irritating.
But I really enjoyed how we could make fun of each other and just laugh about it.
you picked me up. twice. jerk(:
I didn't really feel anything towards you the whole time, which was really good. I'm making progess(I'd still take you back in a heartbeat)
Thanks for the ride after school, and the T-bell.
And by the way, you know I love your singing, I wasn't being sarcastic.
Somewhere deep down, I know this isn't over.
Someday, but not yet.

You shouldn't be feeling the way you do now.
You barely know me.
We aren't dating.
But I guess we can't change it now.
I just need to say, I don't feel anywhere near that about you.
And I honestly, don't think I ever will.
so please, just move on?


Ninety-nine dreams I have had
And every one a red balloon
It's all over, and I'm standing pretty
In the dust that was a city
I could find a souvenir
Just to prove the world was here
Here it is, a red balloon
I think of you and let it go

should I just forget and let the balloon go?
because I'd much rather just hold on to it, until I know this is over.
but then again, I could never forget. never.
you made me promise to you a while ago that I wouldn't forget you.
That was the easiest promise I've ever made.
The easiest to keep too.



You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way - fast car by Tracy Chapman

I really enjoyed singing this in your car.
I love it.
It's so sad, but amazing still.
This is the only song I'll willing sing in front of people.


I remember we were driving, driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

I didn't think I missed you as much.
Until you sang Everlong.
It hurt so bad.
That's why I didn't say anything.
but I still loved it.
I always love it when you sing.
You can make the worst day of my life better, just by singing.
it's kind of sad.
But hey, what are best friends for?

you are the blood in my veins.

I thought we were good friends.
And even though you left me a voice mail apologizing, it wasn't enough.
That blog hurt.
And it was completely unnecessary.
Please do not talk to me.
I don't need people who pretend to be friends with me, until something goes wrong for them.

Ha, friendship.
I have those two that I sit with at lunch.
I feel like one of them doesn't really like me, and the other one only talks to me because I listen.

And the people that talk to me all the time, but don't really care about me at all.


I was having such a pleasant day today.


I was thinking about merrow vista.
And the night we did that cult thing.
When we were coming back, there were so many stars.
I just wanted to stay out and look at them all night.

By the way sweetie, you didn't know this, but I defended you so many times on that trip, even though I barely knew you. I knew you didn't deserve what they said.


May I just say that I love Olivia Gunther?
That whole trip it was always me and her. And frankly I'm sooo happy we were in the same group. I don't think I would have survived without her. Sure, I messed up a little while ago, and made her feel terrible. But the fact that she forgave me for completely overreacing, makes me love her that much more.
haha, she woke me up while I was sleeping today, to remind me about the concert.
I talked to my mom about it today. She said if I learned more about where it was and every thing, I could probably go.
So if you give me the details, I'll give you the money.
^^sounds like a drug deal(:

Happy Birthday.
I was really tempted to ask you earlier if you wanted to go to the waterfront with me tonight.
But I felt like that may not have been a good idea.
We would have had fun, I know that much though(:

Hey? Please don't touch me.
The last thing I need is you grabbing my butt in the middle of english.
k thnx.


And if it makes you less sad
We'll start talking again- the boy who blocked his own shot by brandnew.
Listen to it Kev, it defines us.

there's a calm before the storm.

So how about we go into the coffeehouse a little more?

I got there, and I didn't really know who was going to be there.
Well, I knew Olivia and Kevin would be there.
It made me happy to see you look at me when I walked in, by the way.
And really the only reason I went over and started talking to Brandon was because I was hoping you'd talk to me. But you didn't, instead you went and sat down by yourself. I went over and talked to you for a while. And when you looked at me, you gave me that look. The one I don't know how to describe as anything other than heart melting.
You still didn't go talk to your friends, until Phil dragged you over.

I had fun with everyone there. Mostly because none of them judge me. And I always get along with them. I met Phil. He's a pretty nice person. He talked to me for most of the night. I won't say he was flirting, but it kind of seemed like it. I honestly hope I didn't flirt with him.

Oh babe, it seems like you hit it off quite well with Brandon:P
I don't think that would be a good relationship for either of you though. Maybe you'll just become really good friends.

I wasn't aware of what's going on with Ian. I'm still not completely. I'll ask him about it, if he wants to tell, he will. He probably will, just because that's the way we are.

Hugo, Michi, and Sam, I do believe your band was the best by far.

And Phelan's would have been fine, if they had stopped playing after two songs...
They won though, sooo.

I can see you and me becoming good friends, even though everyone says you can be a "douchebag". But once again, innocent until proven guilty.


Even though I had an amazing night, I came home and sunk. I was so high the whole night, on happiness, and it just all went away when I got home. I couldn't tell you why, except I think it's because I didn't want it to end.
I find it weird how the only time I feel comfortable at parties, and actually want to stay at them, is when I'm surrounded by a bunch of people, who won't ask me questions, won't expect me to talk. They just enjoy my company. But even then it's still not enough to maintain my happiness. The happier I am, the lower I'll sink later on.

I feel fine now.
And I felt good when Taylor called. Because that's always something I can rely on. Talking to Taylor before I fall asleep. He makes me smile(:

I'm so glad it's almost Friday. But in a way I'm not. Because that means I'll have to go to the skyshow on Sunday. And then the parade on Monday. Which I don't mind much. I just always faint? mmm yup.
I need Reckless, but it's not happening for a while. Which is possibly the most depressing thing I can think of right now.


I have hives.
I need to stop touching my cat.
>.<

And I do regret more than I admit.

people always say they live with no regrets.
But the truth is you regret things whether you mean to or not.
It's a way of life.

Moving onnnn.
It made me smile really big inside when you said you'd pay for my coffeehouse ticket.
Especially since she was right there.
I'm glad to know we're still friends, even if we can't really talk as much.

I met that Phil kid. He seems pretty alright. Quick to judge. But alright.


Why can't I not talk to you?
probably because I feel horrible when I don't.
The fact that you didn't talk to any of your friends until you were forced to.
I feel as though its my fault, considering we have the same group of friends.
you didn't feel comfortable.
Which is why I went up to you.


I need to do my science thing.
and my english thing.
and that drum major thing.

Ahhh drum majoring.
I would absolutely love to be a part of that. More than anyone can understand.
I feel like it would give me a sense of fulfillment. A purpose.
I'm always aroud anyways.
I suppose I'll just have to write a very well written essay.
And I'll hopefully achieve my goal.
If I don't make it, I won't let it get me down.
At least, I won't show it.

Don't you forget about me

I have nothing to write here.
Other than I think I knew you didn't want to date me again.
It became more and more obvious every time you got mad at me.
It was actually weird last night, because I started to hiccup, but I wasn't crying.
It's just a shame to think that I'll still want you back, and you won't.
It's just another thing I messed up for myself.

" I miss you, and I care about you as much as I possibly can without liking you."
That makes me smile.
I'm glad you said that to me.
But this time it's not because it gives me faith in our relationship.
It gives me faith in our friendship(:
Just so you know, I probably won't ever be fully over you.
I think the only way that would happen is when you go to college and I don't see you as much.
But then, even when you come back, I'll feel something.
damnit, why do you have such a huge effect on me?
In some ways I hate it, but I love it in so many other ways.
You're my best friend, no one will ever mess that up for me.
Not even myself.
Not this time, I won't let myself.


"Slow change may pull us apart
When the light gets into your heart, baby"- don't you(forget about me) by Simple Minds.

This song came on while I was talking to you.
I hate how the radio does that.
Like the day I broke up with you, the radio was playing stupid sad songs, on every freaking station.
Whatever.
In some ways it gives me a satisfaction.
To know that the radio can describe how I feel.
Cheesy.


I need to watch the Breakfast Club now.
That's always been my favorite movie.
But mostly for that one song.


"Rain keeps falling, rain keeps falling
Down, down, down"

I know that when you read this, your immediate reaction will be :
I'll never forget about you, Meg, don't be so down on yourself all the time.

And the moment you say that, I'll smile.
Because I know how much you care, and even though we aren't dating anymore, I still don't understand why you do.
But I'm so glad I have someone like you.

It always hurts to be told to move on.
And the fact that that I just did that to someone makes me feel horrible...


Thank you Taylor.
I'm glad you told me.
I'm glad you trust me.
But I'm so sorry that happened to you.
I love you to death. No, I love you to life. You're one of my best friends, always.
I also feel bad about how hurt you sounded when I told you I only called Tim on Friday.
I didn't mean to make you sad. I know you would have made me feel better too. But I just needed him then.
Irony is, the moments I need him the most are the ones when he won't pick up his phone.
I'll just stop making him mad(:


"Don't you forget about me
I'll be alone, dancing you know it baby
Going to take you apart
I'll put us back together at heart, baby"

hahaha, I always mess stuff up.
but I won't let myself mess up our friendship.
I love you to death.
you know that right?
don't ever forget it.

spiraling down.

I hate being around people.
How can you feel so empty and alone with so many people around you, laughing and talking.
Asking questions.
I just want it all to stop.
It's like going through life in slo mo.
No, not quite, I'm in slo mo, everyone else is in high speed.
I watch as they go through everything happily, while I try to catch up, just to see what it's like to be classified as normal.

Although what is normal? I don't believe in such a thing.
Explain to me how even the most popular people get depressed.
They seem to have absolutely everything, but maybe they're just better at hiding it. Hiding all the hurt, playing it off as though every thing is fine.
I want what they have.
strength.


I tried to talk to you about it again. How I need my Meds back. They'll help me. I might actually enjoy being around people again.


Mr. Castillo, I do believe I love you. I love that I called to talk to Stuart, but since he wasn't there we talked instead. Even though you thought I was fine, I wasn't. But even without knowing it, you made me feel so much better.
So thank you.



I give up.
I don't want to talk to anyone.
I don't want Taylor to call me.
I don't want Kevin to call me.
Just don't talk to me.
The only person I'd talk to, is you, but you're with your friends.
I need you so much right now.
I wonder if you'll pick up if I call again later.

Master of Deceit.

Some things we do without thinking.
How much easier would the world be if everyone thought before they acted?
Even for a split second.
Anticipation: I hate this feeling more than anything. It drives me to do things I know I shouldn't do.

totally entwined.
two bodies,
two hearts,
two souls.
So close the hearts beat as one, the bodies move in unison, and the soul anticipates the same things.

We both have a gap.
I may be able to fill your need, but you will never fully fill mine.
and for that, you should never forgive me.

I think we need to stop talking.
Take some time, and actually think for a while.

A shock surges through the body when they touch.
For reasons they'd rather not admit.
Or at least she'd rather not, he won't have enough courage.
Things they both know, but one will never admit to, the other too scared.

Why must this always happen when you don't talk to me.
It's not your fault, obviously. It was my own, as usual.
You're my guiding hand, I need you there to tell me what the difference between right and wrong.
And this time I knew it was wrong, after it happened.

Nothing bad happened. Nothing at all. Just a bad idea, taken too far.
Lies I shouldn't have needed to say.
Thoughts I shouldn't have been thinking.

But once again while I was there, all I could think about was you.
I bet anything you'll pick up today, or call me.


Oh by the way, I love the idea of possibly having to do with you and your girlfriend dating.
It made me laugh to think that we might have dated if it weren't for Megan.
That girl has damaged my life in more ways than I had ever noticed.
Oh well, no point in thinking the "what ifs".
They're just a waste of time that distract you from your current decisions.
Almost regrets, but not quite, just, curiosity.
Oh and I lied to you. I didnt like you every now and then.
I liked you for a good three months...
:D

And to answer your question, I think I like the idea of you more than anything. And I honestly don't know if you have a chance. Right now it's a definite no. But who knows what will happen in the future? Only time will tell...



I miss you terribly.
I just want to see you.

What day is it?

I don't have very much to say.
I don't really remember anything from my days anymore.
I guess thats okay, in a way.
But I kind of wish I could remember the good stuff, and only block out the bad.

I go home and I sleep all day again.
I need help.
Everything's spiraling downward, and I'm just standing by, watching the entire time.
Everything blends together, and I can't differentiate between the days.
You think I don't need your help anymore, but I do. I just don't know how to ask.
You know I'll always need you. And when I don't need you, I'll guarantee I'll still want you.
In my life that is.

And I suppose Andy was right in some way today.
I wasn't sad, I was just thinking about everything.
The past eight months again, and that does normally make me quiet, or faint.
I'm just glad I didn't faint in your car. I felt like I was going to.
But I somehow managed not to, until I got inside.

I remember that time you said good bye to me in my garage.
And Taylor was just outside in your car screaming.
It't times like those that make me laugh the hardest.
When we used to get along all the time. When we used to laugh together.
I really hope you call tonight.
I would call you, but I dunno. I pick up the phone and dial your number, but can never press talk.

I love when I say I'm going to bed and you argue with me about it for at least ten minutes.
That's when I know you still like talking to me.
I just don't know how to express the fact, that I still completely miss you.
And I still want you back.
I'm just waiting.
wishing.
wanting.
but more than anything, hoping.

I feel absolutely pathetic.
But it's like I told you before, there are some people you know you just aren't supposed to let leave your life.
And you, my dear, are and always will be, one of those people.


I thought today was like, Wednesday.
I'm losing it.
Won't you come help me again?


I'm having a horrible day.
In the middle of a breakdown.
I called you, to see if you'd come take me away for a little while.
But you picked up and then hung up.
I don't understand.
I kind of knew you wouldn't be able to anyways.
if you read this, and you can, will you please pick me up?
I could really use someone like you right now.

a loveless motion. a discreet emotion.

"give me a place to stand.
and I will move the world."


I wonder if you'll call tonight.
I hope you do.


And once again Kevin, you need to do you paper, so you shouldn't be reading this.
You also shouldn't be confused. Because she likes you, so either go out with her, or don't.
I mean, she's moving in two weeks, so would it be worth it? Do you like her? There's just one thing I know. If she's at your party, I will not be attending. I don't really feel like dealing with her. She said I'm a boyfriend stealer, because we kissed, and she liked you. I didn't know she liked you. We haven't talked all year. And then she goes around saying crap about me. So, good luck with that Kev.


I love your hugs(: They make me happy. Kind of like how Stuart's hugs used to. He doesn't give very good hugs anymore...


"People who don't stand for anything,
Will fall for everything."

Somebody like you.

I wish someone would pick me up and take me far away from here.
That camping trip doesn't look so good anymore.
And yes it does have a little to do with the fact that Jade's going.
But it's mostly because I won't know anyone except for you.

I just thought it would either just be me and you.
Or us and one other person, who I knew.
But now theres like five people going, and I don't know any of them.
Whatever, I'll go, just because you begged.

Wait, you begged.
Even Taylor said that was abnormal.
Why do you want me to go so badly?
I don't really understand you sometimes.
But other times, I know exactly what you're going to say.


So Kevin, if you're reading this, it means you aren't doing your paper. So go do your stupid paper.

My sister knows what weed looks like. She knows bad words. I don't really like this at all. I was hoping I could keep her sheltered for just a little longer. Like five more years...
Even though she and I get along really well now, its gonna suck when she starts going through puberty, I'll lash out at her still, she'll lash out at me. Maybe she won't start for a few more years...

It's really windy outside. Made it hard to go up hills on my bike. That and the fact that Mel messed with the gears, and now its all messed up. Well, at least it doesn't hurt anymore.


My birthday is in like three weeks.
asdfghjkl;
I don't want it. Whenever my birthday comes around, everyone in my house pays more attention to me, and then they get angry with me. I don't want it. Not in the least.
Memories of birthdays past?
here it goes:
"I think I know what I want to do for my birthday."
"When is it anyways?"
It had already passed. Three days before.

"We're going to Shorty's"
"I wanted to go to Bugaboo Creek."
"You aren't coming, this is a date night for your mom and me."

"You have a loose tooth? Let me get that for you."
He punched me in the face.

Oh, and let's not forget the time when everyone completely forgot about it all together.
I didn't say anything about it, because well, who wants to remind their family that it's your birthday?

Whatever. This year for my birthday, all I really want to do, is go to tacobell with Tim and Taylor. That would make me happy.
Everyone keeps asking me what I want, I don't really want anything that you have to spend money on. You could draw me a picture, or burn me a CD. I find those much more thoughtful anyways.
But even just saying Happy Birthday would be enough.
Just don't do it over facebook, because that's lame.
:D

Your birthday is before mine. And I'll try and go to your party.
I'll try really hard.

Your birthday is after mine, and I have no idea what to get you. None at all. I have no money, so I guess I'll just have to be extremely creative. Don't get me anything though. I really don't want you to. Even though months ago you said you had already bought something. I don't know why you would do that...

Message for today: All birthdays are is a way to celebrate making it through one more year in this crappy world.


Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it's gonna make you notice
Someone like me.-use somebody by Kings of Leon


"I just need a place to go.
This world it too routine for me.
One day I'll find a new life.
Maybe then, I'll be satisfied.

Take me far away.
Far from here, and the ordinary days.
We'll find a way out of here.
And then we'll be completed.
together, united.
We'll start our own routine."

no title for disturbancies.

no.
No.
NO.

crap.
I didn't mean to do that.
Why do I always say things that sound so offensive?
I always say it, but I still do mean it, I never aim to make you mad.
No wonder I felt like I was supposed to apologize to you last night. It all makes sense now. I didn't even need to read your blog.
So maybe if my sense about that was right, and my sense about Stuart was right.
Maybe my sense about the other thing is right too...
I think the fact that I apologize too much makes me mentally think I'm doing something wrong, and then I actually do. shit.


Have you ever noticed that when you lie on the grass, its really uncomfortable at first, but then it just feels really good? Well I was lying on the grass, looking around my yard. And everything seemed too familiar. And I just need to get away from here for a while. That's why I wanted to go to Virginia. Why I can't wait to go on the Reckless trip. Why I was excited to go camping with you. But that doesn't seem very likely anymore. We would probably drive each other insane. But to be perfectly honest with you, that's what I was looking forward to the most.

And I do need you.
I know I do.
I just feel like I shouldn't anymore.
I feel like I'm being too clingy and I don't want you to get irritated with me.
But everything I do, ends up triggering the one thing I didn't want to happen.


I'm gonna go read for a really long time.
The only way I can actually get away, besides sleeping.


But with reading I don't think about my own thoughts. I can't do that with sleeping.
stupid sub conscience.

burdens as these, never seem to fade.

These dreams have come back. I don't know why they just randomly show up. I feel like I'm supposed to talk to you. Call you, see how you are. Maybe this is a sign that we'll be okay. That I still have no hard feelings towards you. I know I don't. I knew I never could, even though I played it off as I did. Oh well, I'm not going to you, if you need something, you have my number, and you can call anytime. anytime you need me.

Once again. I'm not going to call you tonight. I dunno what's going on with you, but I'm sure you'll be fine soon. If you don't call, I'll just walk to school tomorrow. And I'll spend my night talking to people who actually enjoy my company. And even if you do, well if you do, you'll call. will you call?

I don't like the effect I have on you. No not at all. I don't like that I feel like I'm supposed to help you, but whenever I leave, or you do, you just feel worse. I've only known you a few weeks, why do you feel so connected with me? To be honest, it's downright scary. But I did make you promise. So I still have to pick up when you call. If you have enough courage to call me during that, then I need enough courage to help you get through it. Give me courage.


My brother tried to fix my bike today, but the chain needs to be replaced. That may have been the most depressing thing I've ever heard. So instead, I used my sisters new one. I absolutely love the way it feels. I don't like how it doesn't let me pedal down hills though. I'll have to fix that.
I dunno, there's just something about riding my bike, that gives me such a natural high. The wind that no one else can feel. The feeling that makes you think you're soaring. When you go so fast, your eyes water. When I'm riding, I don't think about anything that goes on in my day. I think of the turns I have to make, the next signal, avoiding that pothole, that car, when to speed up, when to slow down. Absolutely everything.

You called and asked to hang out today. I wasn't very enthusiastic about it, with everything you've been doing lately. You could sense it in my voice, you knew I didn't want to. But after you hung up, I felt horrible. I called you back, said I wanted to hang out with you. You said you'd call back. You never did. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. It's just I see who you are now, and I remember how you used to be. How we used to be. Those days after school we would spend together. You'd apologize for becoming depressed, and said you just needed someone there. I was always more than happy to be that someone. Because I love you, I do. But I'm so worried about you. I just miss the way you were, the time we spent together. Everything.

oh boyss(:

There's something about you kid.
I don't know what it is, but it's definitely there.
I went to your play only because I promised I would.
And the play was good, but your acting skills are definitely what made it the most enjoyable.
You're the funniest person I've ever met.
(:

And then there's you. I just met you recently, but we have a connection. Although I don't think we think the same of that connection. And I really wish you would keep the promise you made me. I know somewhere deep down that I'm supposed to help you. I don't know why, but I know I'm supposed to.

Oh man. You drive me up the wall. But you mean the absolute world to me. I love spending time with you more than anything. And I always think you're mad at me because I care so much about you. And I hate the concept of making you upset. You're the only one I want a future with.

We have such an odd past. Best friends, liking each other, not talking, me being ignored, having a complete fall out. But for some reason, I know that there is supposed to be more to us than this. That we're supposed to be friends again in the future. I couldn't tell you why. But I know that we will be friends again. Maybe more than that. But I don't know if I really like that idea.


basically, these are just a few of the boys who've made a huge impact on my life.

curiosity is a thing of the past.

"Thanks for the car today babe. It made my day. You have come so far form when I met you and i am ooo sooo proud of you you'll never know. I know it's difficult going through all this crap on a regular basis, but you're strong I know it, so just hang in there and everything will be fine.

I've come so far? But what destination have I reached? Because where I am right now, is no place to be proud of.

Embarrassed. Rejected. Silent. Emotional. Ignored. Desperate.

How do you feel so many emotions at once? Isn't there such a thing as emotional over load?
Or is that called a breakdown?
I'm done with those now, though.
I let too many things get to me.
So now, when I see you look at me in the hallways I ignore you. And when I hear people talking about me when I walk by, I ignore them. And when someone talks to me, I ignore everyone.
Crazy, if you will, but it's working for me right now.

But then there is still Jordan and Ian, who make me laugh everyday in Math(:

What was up with you sweetie? You guys normally don't mind when I go to band practice and watch. Give a few pointers here and there. No one else minded, I wonder if you wanted me to leave, just so you could talk about me. I didn't think you were someone who would sink down to everyone else's level.

So in the end, who can you trust? Most people would say themselves. But I think I trust myself the least of all.

I wished I could rewind.

Is this why you're so angry with me?
Because I want you to come to church with me, just to see?
I know you have your beliefs. I just want to show you what makes me, well, me.
I'm sorry.

I hate school.
And I hate people.
I wish everyone would just leave me alone, and let me get through the day on my own.
So yes, I was sick today. Sick with my own thoughts.
I didn't go to school, because I felt sick to my stomach. And because I was worried I would just break down and not be able to do anything.

I don't understand why people think I'm such a whore. What is their definition? Because, I've never done more than make out with someone. But somehow, someway, there are rumors going around that I'm pregnant, and that I have an STD. How do you get an STD without having sex? I suppose if its hereditary, but I'm pretty positive I'm clean. And unless I'm the virgin Mary, I'm not pregnant. Who would I be pregnant by? I'm not dating anyone, and I don't plan on having sex until I'm married. So sorry for the people who like to talk about me, but your lies don't make any sense, whatsoever. But then, if its not true, why does it bother me so much? Maybe because I don't want people thinking things like that of me. Or that I lose friends because of it. Maybe that some people who have never even met me, already have a false idea of who and what I am.

p.s. I love how you went up to one of my best friends saying shit about me. And that he pointed it out to you. I hope you felt stupid and immature.

HA, you know what makes me laugh the hardest though? The fact that you've had sex with multiple people, but yet, me being the virgin, is labeled the slut.



on another note. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry that things I say to you bother you. If something I say bothers you, tell me, please? Because then I'll know not to say it to you ever again. I just want us to be okay. More than anything actually. I don't know how we have any hard feelings between us. Because somewhere deep inside, I know we both still have hope that everything will be okay. That maybe somehow, we're supposed to be together. But I don't like to think about that too much. I don't want it to be something else that bothers you. I don't want to be that annoying ex girlfriend, who always says she wants you back. You already have one of those. So maybe, I can remain your friend, and maybe someday, it'll be more than that.
But I do need to call you, and talk to you. I need to apologize to you.
Why do I always feel the need to apologize to you? Because when I do, you normally just say it doesn't matter anyways. Maybe because I know it does bother you, you just don't want to make me feel bad.

A world without hope causes pain.

Me, I'm used to being tired and bloody.
But you believed that I could be somebody- for the nights I can't remember by Hedley.

I never understood that about you. You thought I was someone. That I was worth your time. Your effort. I love that about you. You always encourage me. And you still haven't given up on me. Even with my low self esteem, and always assuming ways, you were always patient. And still are.

"And did you really look my way?
Cause no one could've seen this coming"

It makes me so happy that you were interested in me, out of all the girls you could have. You picked me. What made me so worth it?

"And what if I never told you I'm afraid to cry.
I wanna cry."

You always told me it was okay to cry. Even though I think it makes me weaker. You told me it would make me stronger.

"I'm so tired of running"

You knew that too. You knew I shouldn't run anymore. That I needed to stop and look around for a while. Did I ever tell you you're pretty much the most influential person in my life? Because you are. In a way, it's very bad. But for the most part its good.


When you smile at me in the hallways it makes my heart smile.
oh. uh. I suppose that's good. But it makes me feel absolutely horrible...


I need reckless. So badly. If we had it every night, I'd probably be the happiest person in the world.

The March
Thousands counted in estimation.
All with one common destination.
All made one mistake.
This is the price they pay.
One by one, two by two.
Rows and rows, all march to a wild beat.
Every one different. Consciouses the same.
Thought they had control.
Who's in control now?
Who watches them march guiltily?
They could have been saved.
Just needed to ask for help.
Just one person, anyone, to just be there.
But now, they march along.
Thousands counted in estimation.
All with one common destination.
One mistake they made.
This is the price they pay.

I don't have the greatest hold on reality.

I don't mean to sound angry in my blogs?
Especially not about you, but I always do?
I've never been thoroughly angry with you. I just get annoyed.

" All relationships go through that, when one person gets angry, and then their patience is much lower. But once you get through that patch, you'll both be happy."

But the thing is, we aren't dating? So, explain that? How will our relationship improve if there isn't one? haha, *confused*.

I'm so glad we talk every night again. My week felt slightly off without it.

I need to stop staying up so late. 'Tis messing me up(:

so, I know I'm a really touchy person, and a lot of people don't like it, but I'd much rather have people tell me, than have a mob of what I thought were my friends, come up and say I'm annoying, and too touchy. So basically, that made me really quiet today. I only really talked to Sam. And, I acknowledged Ian and Jordan, just because they make me smile(:
Okay, so if I'm so annoying why does anyone talk to me? Because a lot of the time I mind my own business at lunch unless someone talks to me.

SPEAKING OF LUNCH. I bought a wrap today right? Well I took a bite out of it, and there was something hard in it. And guess what? there was a twisty tie in my wrap. I almost ate a twisty tie. Nothing in my wrap comes in something that requires a twisty tie! buying pizza from now on.



"you say you gotta go and find yourself
you say that you're becoming someone else
don't recognize the face in the mirror
looking back at you
you say you're leaving
as you look away
i know theres really nothin left to say
just know i'm here
whenever you need me
i'll wait for you"- come back to me by David Cook.



*sigh* this came on the radio while we were talking about how you want to date me again when you're ready. It's things like this that make me think that we are supposed to get back together. So many things just click. And then there are other things, that are just so wrong. But not very many. You make me happy. When my phone starts ringing, and its your ringtone, I don't pick up immediately, because it explains everything so perfectly.
"waiting for your, call I'm sick, call I'm angry, call I'm desperate for your voice."- your call by secondhand serenade.

Where love never ends.

"I don't need you."
"why not?"

Because, I've decided not to wait for you anymore. Sure I'd still date you, but I'm not waiting for you. Also, I've come to the conclusion, that you are the example as to why I don't let people in. I let you in too far, and then I didn't know how to let you out.

I wasn't expecting you to call. I had gotten used to the idea of not talking to you for a while. I didn't mind talking to you, but I definitely wasn't about to open myself up to you again. You're gonna have to earn that right again.

ughhh, reckless. I love it. But I feel as though inviting you was a mistake. I love the fact that you got so into it though. But I didn't like how you seemed to get jealous when I was talking to Cam. Yes, it's true that kid has a crush on me, but we were just talking.

Mother, sometimes I wish you tried to understand me, rather than attacking me for no reason.

I wouldn't mind if you called again tonight. I wanna get you to open up. I don't know how though. You don't really let people in, and you have let me in pretty far. I just wanna understand you.

"I hung out with Jade today."

Oh, that's nice? I don't really care in the least sweetie, who you hang out with anymore. I'm not letting you effect me anymore. I think you expected me to react differently.

"you sound sad."

nope, not at all. Not in the least actually.

I think that if you and Jade ended up happy together, I'd be completely okay with that. Because you know what? She makes you happy. You said it yourself.

"I was the happiest I've been in a really long time."

Okay, cool. Good to know that I have never made you happy.

I wish she liked you. Because then maybe you'd shut up about her.

crap.

ooops.
you called me.
I'm stupid.
My badddd...