Fire fall down.

Last night was just full of coincidences.

We were standing there praying.
And I started praying for broken families.
Whether they have one single parent, divorced parents, two moms, two dads, they don't have parents at all, or they're family is all together.

Sometimes all of these can be deadly. I've always found that the last one seems the worst. They can play it off as though everything's fine. Just to keep that perfect family image. But when my Mom told me that she filed the divorce papers, it hurt more than I'd let show.
Reckless was filled with tears, and staring off into the distance.
It's true that my family was nowhere near perfect when we were all together, but at least we pretended to be happy. No one bothers to pretend anymore.

My mom goes shopping constantly, and then tells us we don't have money for food.
My dad's too willing to do anything for my sister and I. As though winning us over, would win my mom over too.
My sister gets random fits of rage. She used to get those a lot. But they went away for a while.
And then there's me. I go through the day, neither happy nor sad in total. Happy at some points, horribly depressed at others. But I still try to act like everything is fine.

I was also thinking about that one thing everyone says, when they go to kill themselves.
"I have nothing left to live for."
But wouldn't that mean you also have nothing to die for?
I think I'd much rather live for nothing, and find something to live for, than to die for nothing.
But then again, the suicide thing has never really made much sense to me.
I suppose it would make sense to those who are attempting it. But once again, "those who stand for nothing, will fall for everything."

Maybe this is why I get so many people calling me to help them not commit suicide.
Because I think it's stupid. No, not stupid, just a waste of time.
I always have a hard time explaining to people why they shoulddn't kill themselves.
But they never have, so either they were just trying to get attention, or I actually helped them.
I'd rather not think about people saying they were going to commit suicide even if they had no intention. Suicide is a serious matter, something you should not lie about.


"Deeper and deeper I wanna fall.
Deeper an deeper I wanna fall, in love."

I've finally decided to get baptized. A lot of people will be disappointed when I say it won't be at MCC. But it just wouldn't seem right to be baptized at a place, that wasn't really the place where I found my faith.