"Then he slowly saw their nightmares were his dreams."

And every night she throws herself a pity party.
But she's the only one who ever shows up.

"I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on"

So, the moment things go wrong, we'll whip out all the things we've done for each other.
As though there's a price to be put on friendship.
I guess I just can't pay my debts.


Family is supposed to be there for you, right?
I guess I wouldn't really know.


It's okay that this is all my fault.
It usually is.
I just don't think I can handle it anymore.

I need to start shaping up apparently.

I thought life was getting better.
God is blessing my life so greatly.
So, please help me understand why I'm spiraling down into this hole I dug for myself a long time ago.

God, help me with this temptation please.

"Your Kingdom come, Your will be done, Jesus reign over me."

While I'm Waiting - John Waller

"While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting"

Dang flabbit.
Jesus, I need You.
I'm so ready to listen to You again.
I'm beyond ready to follow Your will, Your plan, Your way.
Mine never works out, and it leaves me heart broken, and alone.
I don't want that anymore.
But more than that, I want You. I want to be able to say I'm after Your heart God.
No one else's.
You possess my heart God. My mind, my soul.
It's all Yours.
And I'm so sorry.

There are some things you just don't say.
I wish you knew that.


Feeling a bit more pathetic than usual right now.

I'm not depressed.
But I'd sure like to talk to you.
I like people who are honest with me.
Completely and totally.
In order to have my trust, you have to be honest.
Explains why I don't talk to many people.
God? He definitely has my full trust.
The boy? With him it was instant. There was no question.
Stitches? He did. I don't know where it stands anymore.
And you? I do. But I'd never have the courage to call you.


Please, don't treat me like a little girl. I'm not the one messing up my life completely, and then trying to shove my truths on everyone else. I can handle myself. I always have.
Grow up.

I don't open up to people, because of people like you.

"If there is anything I can help with please don't hesitate... Been down that road before, and almost fell off the edge. I can relate."

Thank you, but I don't know if I can take you up on that offer.
The reason I don't talk to people, isn't because I'm afraid of what they'll think, or that I prefer to be alone. It's because I don't know how, and if I let people in too far, they'll leave.
It's been shown, many many times before.

people listen better when no words are said.

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

So why is it now?

The last thing on her mind was growing up

I can't live with myself. So stay with me tonight.

I thought, maybe things would change.
In not one situation, but many.
I guess it's true when they say, people don't change.
It's true, they don't change... They just get better at hiding their flaws.
Not for long though.


I don't know how much more of this I can take.
I'm about ready to give up the one thing I want more than anything(Besides my Jesus), because of you.

For that, I don't know if I could forgive you.

I hate that I'm an otter lion personality.
I hate that I'm so unorganized, conceited, loud.
But mostly, I hate that I have the desire to be a leader.
I mean, I suck.
In so many ways it'd take forever to list them all.
(that's usually a joke I say to Kenny when he asks what's wrong with me, but right now, it's not really a joke).
I have to be the stupid strong one all the time, and all these people look up to me, and I hate it.
If you really knew me.


He and I react to things in very much the same way.
We feel hurt, and worthless, but we will still make sure everyone around us is happy first.
Though, we will show you that you hurt us.
Only, if we want you to know.
If you really knew me.

It was nice, you know, having someone love you. Someone who showed it, someone who really cared.
Someone, who wasn't so caught up in themselves, they stopped to help others.
I don't think I know anyone as caring, and giving as he.
He'd give you the world to make you smile, just once, even it's for just a second.
I wish, I was good enough.

walls are gonna have holes tonight.

I'm sorry.




I feel kind of, full of failures at the moment.
It's okay, I'll fix it.

If I could save everyone around me, don't doubt for a second that I would.

why
is it
that
girls have such negative self images
why
is everyone
depressed
and a cutter

5:49pm
why are you talking that way

5:50pm
or bulimic
or anorexic
self critical
druggies
I
don't
get it
and I'm
talking like this
because
I
want to

5:51pm
I think people get down
because they don't know how to move on
or they don't want to
if something bad happened in their life

5:51pm
yeah
but its not even that
its
how we treat each other
everyone is so mean
to everyone else
with back handed comments
and they don't understand the constant sting

It's comments like "you're eating again?"
"Are you sure you want seconds?"
"Could you just listen for once?"

When there's nowhere else to turn
All your bridges have been burned
Feels like you've hit rock bottom
Don't give up it's not the end
Open up your heart again
When you feel like no one
Understands where you are

Someone loves you even when you don't think so don't you know you got
Me and Jesus by your side through the fight you will never be alone on your own you got me and Jesus

After all that we've been through
Be now you know I've doubted too
But every time my head was in my
Hands you said to me
Hold on to what we got
This is worth any cost so
Make the most of life
That's borrowed
Love like there's no tomorrow

I
want
God
to
help
me
save
people


I can crash and burn, I don't care.
If I'm helping people around me, that's all that matters.

This wouldn't be so hard if you could stop thinking about yourself for two seconds.
I can't stand how you've always needed all the attention.
That stupid paper in English makes me feel like crap.
But I don't know how to write anything happy.

Okay, so I might have set that up.
But only because you scare me.

I made a tumblr.
I'm keeping it to myself.

"There's gonna be some changes."
Does one of those include you not being a tool anymore?

Would it be alright, if we pretended to be in love for a night?

I very well might punch someone in the face.

I'm not even pissed right now.
I'm broken hearted.
I do everything to protect you.
I tell you everything, and trust you with even more than that.
But then you turn it around and throw it in my face.
I don't even know what to do.

"A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell."

This is by far my favorite C.S. Lewis quote.
In a world where we're surrounded by atheists who claim we as Christians, shove our beliefs on everyone around us.
I won't deny, that when I care for someone, I will try to express God to them. But there is no shoving it down their throats.
How many times have I been called a closed off bigot?
I couldn't count the amount on my hands and toes combined.
It's funny because as they're calling me this, they're sitting there, explaining to me why my beliefs are wrong, and how they are most certainly correct.
With no word in edge wise, I listen. The moment I try to say why I think differently, it's back to how I'm shoving the Bible in their face.

These are the same people who shun you for not liking the same video games as they do.
Or maybe, for disliking their favorite band.
We live in a world full of people who stand ready to tell us why we're wrong in a matter of seconds.
A world where if we think differently, we're considered weird, and bigotedly only interested in our own beliefs.

The next blog I post, will be number 300.
I think that's why I've been putting off posting as much as possible.
I don't especially like the idea that I'll have been writing this for three years on new year's eve.
How can you write three hundred blogs, but see a dramatic decrease in the value of your writing?

I'm really not feeling up to par lately.
It's not even just being sick.
I just feel very... indifferent
Very... melancholy?
ha.
I'd go into it more, but I don't think anyone really cares.

This story is kind of stupid.
Here's your heads up.

The day I was supposed to go talk to that lady of the state, I was terrified.
I went for a walk, praying that I'd get hit with a car or something.
Anything that would make it so I wouldn't have to go to that meeting.
I walked to derryfield, and ran into Joe and Alec.
We talked and hung out in the field for a while, climbing trees and made fun of each other.
Then, Joe got really excited, he found a toy car on the ground.
And then, he threw it at me.
I got hit by a car.
Can I just say that God's sense of humor sometimes, is really really lame? :P
See... He answers prayers.
I still had to go to the meeting, but I laughed for a very long time, which made me feel better.
I don't know why, but I thought I'd share that story.

I thought maybe things would change.
But I'm back in the place, where no one believes a thing I say, and I do everything wrong.
Maybe my mom was right in saying I can't be trusted, that I'm not worth the time, and that I lie about everything.

I wouldn't be surprised if everything I blame myself for is actually true.

I'd just like to say though, that I love Senora Laura Therrien.

Finally someone who listens, and is actually taking the steps to help.

I can't thank God enough for people like you.

Do you believe in magic?

In a young girl's heart.
How the music can free her whenever it starts.

I like having Senora Therrien's respect.

This wasn't God's timing.
Our original plan was to wait a few years, and then we messed up, and decided to date.
Now God is showing us, that we didn't do a very good job listening to Him.
So now, we wait.


It's a fun little game, the waiting game.
It's certainly not my favorite, but when you win, it's the best of all :P

And you don't wanna keep me waiting, staring at my fingers, feeling like a fool.

I've been writing so much lately.

It's not even stuff about me.

It doesn't describe how I feel, or me.

I think they're gonna become songs.

Maybe Kenny will sing 'em, since he always wanted me to write songs for him to sing.

I was in a rut then, though.

I guess there's a bright side.

Today was better than the past two.

Things are gonna be okay.

With the words "You're above anything thrown my way", I'm moving on and feeling better than ever.

Spending more time with God than usual, and just feeling more confident overall.

It's gonna be okay :)

This is God's will.
Who am I to be upset about it?

The words well up in my stomach, only to be stopped by the catch in my throat.
They just stopped.
So a squeak came out, every time I tried to say what I felt.
I could've tried to scream, and all that would come out, is that tiny squeak.
It's like the sound of defeat.

If God was really number one, would this still hurt as much?
There's that promise that it will someday work out, so why do I almost start crying every five minutes?

I feel so incredibly pathetic right now.

I feel so sick.
And I am such a bad example to these girls...

Dear God, please don't let history repeat its self.
The more days that go by, the more scared I get...

"Meg, you're a fighter. You clearly have the Holy Spirit in you, and want to follow God's plan. I'm impressed with you."

"She's putting a lot of the kids who go here to shame. She's always on time, and has this big smile on her face, and she's always very respectful."

GAHHHHHHHHH.

"My heart stopped. It just stopped beating. And for the first time in my life, I had that feeling. You know, like the world is moving all around you, all beneath you, all inside you, and you're floating. Floating in midair. And the only thing keeping you from drifting away is the other person's eyes."

I'm sure the things that go bump in the night, couldn't hurt me as much as you do.

soundtrack of my life. right now.

What would it take
For things to be quiet
Quiet like the snow
I know, this isn't much
But I know I could, I could be better

I don't think I deserve it,
Selflessness
Find your way into my heart
All stars could be brighter
All hearts could be warmer

What would it take
For things to be quiet
Quiet like the snow
Are we meant to be empty handed
I know I could, I could be better

I dont think I deserve it
Selflessness
Find your way into my heart
All stars could be brighter
All hearts could be warmer


Mm, let's pretend for one minute that this isn't bothering me.
But you know, I never had much of an imagination.

They came to tell your faults to me,
They named them over one by one;
I laughed aloud when they were done,
I knew them all so well before,—
Oh, they were blind, too blind to see
Your faults had made me love you more.

I really need to learn not to get my hopes up so high. Watching them crash isn't worth my time.

And it hurts when you promise, and them someone else breaks it for you.
I'm sick of not having any say in this.
It's ours, not yours. It's God's plan, not yours.

Stop being a control freak. It's really not cute.

Mrs. Stuart wanted me to move up to a level three.
Seeing as how I got a 97 on an SAT essay, a one hundred on a beowulf packet, and a 92 on our book reviews. I honestly don't understand.
She doesn't grade me harshly enough.
I can't do a level three... I'm way too lazy.
But oddly enough, I said yes.

Oh, I missed conversations with Athena...
She just... gets it.
I know how others feel when they talk to me now, because of her.
I don't know how to react to someone who has been though horrible things.
I'm sure people don't know how to react to me.

The one person who seemed to, doesn't talk to me much anymore.
What a coincidence.

It's okay, I don't really need someone to talk to besides God anyway...

Can I just say how much I love this chick's hair?
Oh my, seeing people with beautiful red hair isn't helping me not dye mine. I'd love to do this color, it's like purpley red. Complete happy making.

So guess what I'm doing tonight? Dying my hair... Just not this color unfortunately...

Guess I really couldn't cut cold turkey haha.


Also, my hips have been hurting like crazy lately. Ugh.

I'm very sleepy...
But this weekend changed everything, and so the lack of sleep is a small price to pay.

It's four in the morning, and I don't really know why I'm still up.
I've been praying all night, that something will change.
I can't sleep when my mind is uneasy.
It's a wonder I sleep at all.

I went through pictures from a couple years ago.
Some were happy, and some were not.
I suppose pictures are wonderful, because they freeze a single moment in time, when you were happy. You can't be sad looking at a picture when everyone's smiling. Even if everyone in that picture is long gone.
Even if that picture was taken before the biggest mistake of your life with that person.
So many pictures with them... It helps you realize why you did what you've done.

I'm listening to explosions in the sky.
There was something about that song... I'll never really understand it.


I can't be thinking about this now. Not when everything's falling apart.
It just tears my seams wide open.


So I'm not... anymore.
Because now I went through my old messages, and I found a few from you.
We were really good then, and almost every single one of our messages was about God.
We should... be like that again.

I know you're just a ragdoll now, sewn together by the memories we might have had.

What a silly investment I had in you.

My heart beats for Him. I live to glorify Him.
Anyone who distracts me from that... isn't supposed to walk hand in hand with me on this journey.
It should always be a building up experience. Where they're on the same page as you. You help them run after God harder, and they do the same for you.

But let me ask you this, are we supposed to have water breaks on this run?


This isn't about my relationship.
(Corey Farr!)
Unless by relationship, you mean friendships.

I need to not snoop...

So I'll stand here and try to figure out the where and the how.
And what it really means to live.
Because we all know there's more than this.
But some of us choose the wrong way, just because we love to be proven wrong.

This doesn't even feel real anymore.
It's like a dream gone terribly wrong. We took a wrong turn somewhere...


"Look into your heart pretty baby,
is it aching with some nameless need?
Is there something wrong and you can't put your finger on it?"

When the other was upset, would we still just give them a half smile and a hug?

So, I wrote a blog asking people to give me their definitions of love.
I got a few people with feedback, and their ideas were all similar in some ways, but also very opposite.

I guess, in order to truly define it, you need to know which way the word is being used.
Like, if you're in love with someone, or your love for your sibling.
I was talking about the context of being in love.

Abby Desharnais(whom I love very much) said, "I feel like love is a deep care for another person. Love isn't an emotion you can really express in words. It's just something you can feel. It's the most intense emotion, and people throw it around like it's nothing. "

And Corey dearest says "Gosh. How do you describe a feeling? Love is accompanied by a bunch of emotions that I don't know if they've even been named. But love itself is a thing. And an action. Separate from and not constantly accompanied by those. But I guess, in the words of my great grandfather Russel-'you just know corey. You just know.' And I'd say his marriage was a pretty dang good example. So... I guess he's right. Also, look to God. He gave us marriage that we might have a small glimpse of His love for us and His self love. That we may be one as the trinity is one, in a never ending circle of giving and receiving perfect love and oneness. I can't really describe it."

One of the definitions in the dictionary is : sexual passion or desire.
Honestly, just because you have desire, doesn't mean your in love. This bothers me.

The greatest love story I've ever heard, is John three sixteen.
The gospels in their entirety.
I cannot think of a superior way to explain what love is.


It's simply indescribable.
There is a moment, where you just feel it. You can't explain it. You can only feel it. In the very center of your heart, it's this odd glowy feeling. It'll make you happy, and scared, eager, but cautious. You'll go crazy waiting to tell the person, you'll spend what seems like eternity wondering what their response will be, and the butterflies in your stomach will grow thousands of times worse, when they say they feel the same. The curiosity of the future will inhibit your mind. And the frightening thought of losing them will become more frequent.
You'll wonder why they love you, when you can't name every reason why you love them.
You won't even be able to describe what your love for them feels like.
Because,
it's simply indescribable.


I don't know what the point of this was.

It's simple reminders like the one tonight that help me remember we're gonna be okay.
I just need them every now and then...

"He says, son can you play me a memory? I'm not really sure how it goes. But it's sad and it's sweet, and I knew it complete, when I wore a younger man's clothes."

Let's go back to last year, in October.
Where we played horse(I won), and we told each other stories.
I talked about my dad, and how it made me the way I am.
You talked about your mom, and how it made you the way you are.
I didn't cry, and it was probably the only time I haven't when talking about that.
You gave me that half smile, stood up, and gave me a hug.
We were so simple then.
We knew each other barely. But I loved you even still.
I didn't need to know every little thing about you, or your reasoning behind everything.
I just loved you, what you said, your hugs, how you made me feel, and most importantly, your love for God.
We were so simple then.
But now, it's almost been a year. And half way through that, we had our first kiss, we "learned how to hold hands", we told each other everything, we talked about God's plan for our lives, both separately and together, we noticed each others habits, and our downfalls.
It's almost like we know each other too well.
I could probably point out a detail about you, no matter how random.
The slight space between your two front teeth.
The way you try to hide when you're upset, but if left alone, you'll come to me about it.
How you get sleepy if I play with your hair.
Random, tiny things that you only notice when you're around someone a lot.
When you really get to know them.
I still love you, even with your little flaws, and your sometimes major ones.
But I sometimes wonder what would have happened if we hadn't progressed as much as we have.
When the other was upset, would we still just give them a half smile and a hug?
Instead of a frown, and a hand squeeze. A "you'll make it through this".

I've never needed to hear those words, because I've always known them to be true.
All I want is that adorable half smile, and a comforting hug.
Honey, we've almost made it a year, let's not lose sight now.

Listen to Autumn

"When do
the steps
stop?
In this
midnight
staircase
of closed
eyes and
empty hands.
I feel
like I
have been
here for
ages"

I always thought heartbreak was a metaphor.

Well, I suppose there are worse things that could happen.
And I've probably gone through most of them before.
With God, I can conquer anything.
Everything.

Things aren't working right now.
And unless there's a change, it's not gonna get better.
We have to stop ignoring everything, and shoving it behind us.
That's not how this works.

And that night was just deja vu. And I'm praying that this won't fail the same way we thought it wouldn't before.
I've seen this attempted before. I've seen it fall apart.
I don't want that to happen this time.
We need to be careful, because I don't want this to be added to my list of "used to be's".


Also, I'm not a fan of Mrs. Stuart's newest English assignment.
"When I was five..."
It's not fun remembering back then.
I know I need to, in order to do this project.

We had to do a quick write.
When I was five; a list.
Now that I'm sixteen; another list.

Here, I'll show you.

When I was five:

• My mom used to make me wear ugly dresses to church.
• My favorite color was pink.
• I went to a small, lovely church.
• All of my siblings lived with me
• I had a family

Now that I'm sixteen:

• My mom doesn't even talk to me
• I hate pink, and my favorite color is orange
• I still go to a decently small church, but it's not the same as back then
• Only Mel and Josh live here now
• I still have family, but not a family

It was really hard to come up with things that weren't really depressing.
And even the stuff I came up with wasn't that uplifting.
How am I supposed to write about this stuff...?

The teachers know about my life, it's a small school, they know what I've gone through.
But they know through my dad's eyes.
Which is probably the worst perspective to go by, besides my mother's.

You know, I'm just kind of blabbing.
I haven't blogged in a while. I felt incomplete.

Also, I don't have anyone to talk to anymore.
Kenny and I aren't supposed to text as much.
Which is really hard to deal with, considering everything going on right now.
And I practically got rid of the person I talk to about everything.
Well, not got rid of, but I'm sure you know what I mean...
So, in the end, I'm left alone. Just like always.

And do not tell me I shut myself off, because the only reason I do, is because everyone leaves when I open up.
No one can handle my problems, which makes me wonder how I do.

He asks to come over for the day.
But I say honey, you don't wanna stay in this broken castle tonight.

My hip hurts.

Vent.

There are a few things I've noticed lately.
One of which being, my past few ex boyfriends have dated girls, who also have dyed their hair obnoxiously red, after me.
Weird.
Secondly, too many people, when finding out that I am no longer going to central, and in turn are going to a private CHRISTIAN school, start swearing at me.
You guys are doing a fabulous job of making me wanna go back to central.
Awesome job.

I got new cleats, which made me really happy at first.
But then I realized I have to break them in, which probably means, more blisters.
YES.

God has blessed Mel and me incredibly.
Some people from my old church are paying our tuition to go to Mount Zion.
That's over 14,000 dollars.
Unbelievable.
Considering we had absolutely no idea how long we'd be able to go there, or how we'd pay for it.
God is AMAZING.


And for all of you who think I'm dumb for wanting to go to this school, listen for a second, okay?
God wants me there(I don't care if you don't believe in Him). If He didn't, none of this stuff would be happening. It's all so amazing.
Second, I'd much rather be in a Christian environment.
Surrounded by people who encourage me in my faith, and understand what I'm talking about when I bring up something God's doing.
Thirdly, I LOVE the people there.
And of course, I love my friends at central, too. But, I don't have very many close friends there.
Fourthly, there are five other kids in my grade besides me. I love that, being in such a small class is amazing. Andddd, I now have a reason to actually work hard and succeed in school.
Basically, because I have to. People are paying A LOT of money for me to go there.
And how horrible would it be, if I didn't do my very best?
I would suck.
haha.

:D

Perfection cannot be achieved. Unless of course, you're Jesus.
Those seeking to reach perfection, wouldn't even know if they got there.
Everyone has a different idea of perfection.
So if we reached perfection in our own eyes, we could still be far off in others.
I don't even see the point haha.


Mount Zion is amazing.
So much more than I had even imagined.
It's true that soccer has destroyed my feet. But that'll go away eventually.
But, I actually do homework now?
Whoa.

I had a lot to say a few seconds ago. But I'm too exhausted to function.

I'm not really nervous anymore.

It's a conversation you're very hesitant to have.
The feelings of the person towards you, seem kind of bleak. They seem to have a somewhat bad view of you.
Are not a fan.
A burst of courage, that comes out of nowhere, just to initiate it.
You awkwardly talk at first, still slightly worried about their feelings towards you.
You're careful about wording, and work hard at not sounding like a loser.
And you realize how absolutely nice the other person is.
Friendly, and sweet.
The more you talk, the more you find you have in common.
Bad things, good things
You tell some of your story, and try to make it seem like its not as bad as it was.
You end the sentence with "haha", just to lighten it, so they don't give you pity.
Because that's not what you want.
She asked about your family situation, and that isn't easy to talk about without sounding pathetic.

You find things you have in common with her, that you would never want to have in common with anyone. Its a pain you've endured, that you don't want anyone else to.
But they have.

After the conversation, you feel a lot better.
And you start to feel more and more excited about what the school year holds.
You can tell, you'll be close friends with this chica.
I am a fan :D




And dude, I never hit it off with chicks right away.
God is doing something really awesome. As usual ;)

He took my broken life and made it into something so
much more incredible than I could even imagine.

SO excited for school tomorrow.
I need new shoes.
And a laptop.
God will provide.

It was worth a shot. right?

And my heart may have just broken in two.
And I might be wondering just why God's plans are NEVER the same as mine.
Why, when something starts to look up, and everything is going my way, its thrown completely off.

Maybe because it's my way, and not God's...
But still... I really wanted this.
I'm trying so hard to not break down right now. All I wanna do is scream. Just for a second.

But I'm not going to.
Because God's timing is perfect.
And I'll just cry quietly to myself while reading Proverbs 16:3&4 over and over again.

Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music

This whole thing just scares me.
And its incredibly uncomfortable. There's gotta be a way to figure out if this is all just in my head.
But is there a way without anyone getting hurt?... Doubtful.


"I know that I've got issues
But you're pretty messed up too "
I'm really kinda mad at myself for relating to this lyric in a Kelly Clarkson song(especially since you forced me to listen to it before school once in your car, you said "it describes us").
But I don't think that's true. I think its just that one line.

I don't really know where I am right now.
I feel like I'm in the middle of being who I was, and who I'm about to become.
It's sort of like the limbo of transition.
I couldn't tell you my favorite type of music as of now, mostly because I don't know what to call it. Corey calls it 'alternative rock'. Although I don't really think that's it.
Mostly I've been listening to worship music, and random weird bands I find.
The music that you could use to define a certain moment in life.
Like the song We Own the Sky by M83.
I wouldn't be able to tell you why, but it feels like summer to me.

I've been mocked a lot lately by how often I relate music to life.
But hey, its a big part of who I am. And I know most people say that.
I won't say that its different than other people, but I have a friendship with music.
I think it's wonderful when people can take how they feel and translate it into song.
Which is why I've been practicing piano a lot more lately.
I want to be able to do that.
And no offense to my band kid friends, but saxophone just doesn't cut it for me.
Its just so easy to write music for piano to me.

Alright, I'll stop going on about my love for music now.

I'd like to say that car accidents really are quite a wake up call.
Even if its a minor dent and paint swap accident.
To think that if we hadn't stopped as soon as we did, multiple people's lives would have been at risk, is terrifying.
All I can do is thank God was watching over us and them.


"When people hear good music, it makes them homesick for something they never had, and never will have."- Edgar Watson Howe

p.s. You are the perfect lullaby.
And so cute too.

If I know you at all anymore, you still read these.
Not really sure why you do, but I've realized that you are kinda...different.
So I guess nothing you do really makes sense.

But just so you know, I'm disgusted with who you are now. You're everything you always used to hate. It's sad. But I'm also glad I'm on the outside looking in, and not a part of your life anymore.
I hope you figure out what your purpose is.
You used to think it was helping people. But I hope you realized that you caused more downfalls than anything.
I really hate to see you wandering around like this. Because even though you have no significance in my life now, you used to. So its kinda lame to see you so messed up.


I have been physically drained the past few days.
Like to the point where I just wanna sleep and not get up. But I have too many responsibilities all of a sudden for that.


"you make beautiful things out of us."
Amen.

The thoughts of mine at five thirty in the morning when I still can't sleep

Curtains are a very curious thing. We use them to block things out and to block them in. Currently mine are being used to block out the sky that is getting brighter by the minute. I wanna sleep, I mean, I do have work later. But I wanna see the sunrise. I have continuously been opening and closing my shades for fifteen minutes.
What if its an amazing sunrise and I miss it?
Meg, you're gonna be cranky all day if you don't go to sleep.
But the birds are chirping. They want me to enjoy the sunrise. I would be singing too if I saw something as beautiful as that every morning.
What if its one of those sunrises where the sky brightens, but thats about it?

I don't think my mom knew me well enough when she made these curtains.
Its a wonder they aren't broken with my constant struggle between loving God's beautiful wonders, and His other amazing creation; sleep.

My final decision? To watch the sunrise. I won't regret it, even if its one of those simple ones. It's still beautiful.

After that though, I'm closing the curtains.

The thoughts of mine at five in the morning.

There's something very beautiful about the city at five in the morning. The sky is just starting to lighten with a mess of blue and purple horizons. The crickets are chirping more than they do late at night. Almost as though they're giving their farewells. They have their time of angst the same way we do when its getting dark outside. There are few cars that drive by this early. I wish I was one of the people driving somewhere right now. Maybe I could stay awake for the sunrise.

I like the soundtrack of the city. Every hour has its theme and every moment has its song. I don't take nearly enough time to stop and listen to it anymore. When I was younger I used to fall asleep to the sound of the cars going by. Now its too complicated. I listen to worship music before bed. But I wonder if God would rather I listen to the beauty of His creation and praise Him for it, instead of songs that overplay and lose their spiritual value.
This morning I will enjoy His creation; a city lullaby.

And she wonders why we're all conceited enough to think that we're the one thing God created that wasn't beautiful.

I'm lost and undone without you.

And I wouldn't tell you I'm not offended.
But then again, I wouldn't tell you much of anything.

So, there was always a reason for why I tried to move away from the then.
But it wasn't good enough until I was "pushed away".
Oh, but honey, didn't you know I hadn't planned on talking to you much more anyway?

People have the strangest ways of thinking.
And I've heard that no one understands it.
But shouldn't we all, since well, we're the subject of the most study?

When up is down, and wrong is right, and the blame is pushed all around.

I hope that nothing goes wrong for you ever again. And we might as well hope that if it does, you can make a valid excuse as to why it wasn't your fault.

You're awfully good at it.

I would've run out of people to blame by now.

Oh, okay, I see.

So I can get through anything.

But I didn't know that meant everything.

I'm not gonna sit around crying about this.

My life never falls apart, because it was never really together.

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle.

I just wish He didn't trust me so much."

God has given you one face, and you make another.

Wearing a mask at all times.

So let me ask you this.

When are you gonna take it off?

Who's that?

There are always gonna be those people who you hope will somehow intersect in your life again. Even if that means willingly enduring pain. But sometimes... the pain is worth it.

And sometimes its not, but I try to fool myself into thinking it is. To call you and catch up with you. Catch up... Seemingly always turning into the same road over again. Let's take this time to go the road less travelled. Yes, I'm that creative that I am going to steal Robert Frost lines and act like it's okay.

I'm also gonna continue acting like my extreme lack of sleep the past few days is not effecting my writing. I always get a little too philosophical when sleep deprived. So... as my thoughts continue to all jumble together and make no sense(especially since I haven't really talked to anyone about anything lately[maybe I'm a little people deprived, too]), I'll just leave this here.

Sometimes, I guess my thoughts just don't make sense.

Cuz, well you know, it was never easy to say goodbye.

And we all try to act like we don't hold onto the past.

We don't want anyone to know how much it still hurts, so we sit and we pretend.

And it's so easy to play that game.

I wanna see someone: different.

Someone who doesn't let life push them around.

And will always give you a run for your money.

Well, its been said that's me.

But honey, if that's what you think, I dun think you know me at all.

I'll always give you a piece of my mind, and no I don't like to be pushed around.

But we all have those moments when its easier to just say yes.

No one wants to hear the word no.

Not when they're convinced it's their biggest desire of the minute.

So, go ahead and sit, and pretend.

But don't hope they're impressed.

Oh, so I guess you've heard I'm not perfect.

I hope it didn't break your heart too much.

On your marks, get set, GO.

Because no minute is ever like any other.

I get so sick of hearing of how everything's the same. How nothing's gonna change. You know sweetie, you could never look in my eyes and say that. Months ago I could've said the same thing. Looking back now, I'm sure glad you weren't right.

And my Jesus is the one thing I couldn't survive without.

You say I could.

Doesn't mean I would.

I have set the Lord always before me, because He is at my right hand; I will not be shaken. Psalm 16:8

"If I didn't know who you used to be, I'd probably like you now."
haha, okay.

Prednisone

Okay, so a few days ago I had an allergic reaction... we're not really sure what it was to yet. But, oh well.
My lips and hands were swollen, as well as my throat, and I had hives on my neck, chest, and behind my ears. Awesome right?
So I went to the doctor on Monday, and he gave me... STEROIDS.
Even more awesome.
Soon after taking them, I've become really moody, and its been extremely hard to sleep... Even with taking benadryl every six hours.
So I called my doctor and he told me that this is due to the steroids I've been taking.
WOOOHOOO.
I love being really irritable. Especially when I'm trying really hard not to hurt people, who would not normally be as annoying as they have been the past few days.


This whole experience is way too much to even think about... Did I mention the memory loss? ha yeahhhh. Don't try to have a conversation with me, if you want me to remember it, for the next few days. Because... I really don't remember anything other than what I've read, and reread in my text messages.

Okay, so thanks to everyone who prayed about it, and who were concerned about. If you guys could pray about the side effects that'd be spectacular.

Do you ever sit in the rain pretending that its washing all your problems away?

Do you ever drive past the houses of people you used to know, just to see if they still live there? Or maybe hoping they're outside, and will say hello?
Do your dreams ever have themes? A reoccuring event?
When was the last time you saw a rainbow?


I want you to tell me what you think love is.
^^If you have read this blog, take the time to leave a comment(or since thats apparently impossible, tell me on facebook) answering at least that question.

"But I need you to love me.

I won't keep my heart from you this time.

And I'll stop this pretending that I can somehow deserve what I already have.

I need you to love me"- I need you to love me by Barlowgirl.

Ugh, these past two days have just not been worth it.

Bring my anger to God... I don't know how to do that without directing it at Him. And that's not something I want to do.

Today blew up in my face, really badly. And there was absolutely no way to fix it so everyone was happy.

Well, they ended up okay, but you know, I have feelings too.

If they could stop being trampled all over and then blatantly ignored, that would be awesome.

I'm not dealing with this anymore.

I am not dealing with people taking advantage of the way I am.

It's not fair to me.

And you know, all I can really do right now is repent.

I just haven't been myself lately.

It's dumb. I don't know who I am right now.

So when you ask me to hang out, I'll just put on a sign saying "be back soon".

Cause, I'm hoping for it as much as you are.

"And the night is so long when everything's wrong."

"The day I see your father angry is... You know, I can't even imagine."
I didn't even know what to say to this lady. She and my dad love each other... that's the most obvious thing in the world. But neither of them will take a step towards the other.
My dad uses Mel and me as an excuse, one that she accepts. But I know, he loves her too much to scare her away with his problems.
I want my dad to be loved, to feel loved, but I don't know. This lady... I don't know if she could deal with all of his anger problems.

I really hate learning things that my mom has said or done.
For some reason I still try to hold her on a pedestal. As though the past few years never happened. Like we're okay now, and she's just on another one of her weekend trips... One that's lasting a bit longer than the rest.
Like she's gonna come back and try to win us over with a cheap gift all over again. Her attempts at trying to get us to respect her, when she gave the least amount of effort possible.
Kind of like when I know I could ace a test if I tried. But I don't study, and barely get by with a 65.
But you know, she wasn't even giving that much effort.

Everyone's anger issues around here is really starting to rub me the wrong way.
I don't know how much more of this I can take before I boil over.
Two years of holding it in...
This isn't gonna last much longer.

God, help?

I didn't even write about how frustrating this night has been.
Gah, I really don't know how to vent do I?

And the taste of sin hung on his lips.

I found him!haha.

Love, Love, Love this man haha. Thank you for the multiple people who texted me saying who he is. Rob Bell is the essence of amazing haha. They used to show these videos at MCC wayyyy back in the day.He is amazing. You can find the rest of this video on youtube, as well as many others. And there are plenty of sites that have him on it. So go!I've been listening to him all day.

I'm trying to find these videos that this guy with blonde spikey hair did.
He was a christian, and the videos were wicked awesome.
If only I could remember the name... I think it begins with an N. The series I mean.

family is forever, minus a few years or so.

It's the story of history, and how it'll always repeat.
The tale of the most beautiful person you know.
A novel of the life of a simple person, that somehow makes a difference.

Spending time with family that you haven't talked to in six months, and haven't really talked to in years is rather interesting. It involves a lot of stories. Figuring out the important, and leaving behind the seemingly uninteresting.

I only got to see Justin for a little bit, we didn't talk very much.
He's such a good father. And he still has the same old sense of humor. The kind I take after. Jess, Mel and I talked about how different I am from everyone else in the family. How the only person I really look like is my dad and Melly. Personality wise I'm kind of the same as Justin. But I've always been the odd one out. But really, I'm okay with that.

I miss when I was younger. When I saw everything through rose colored glasses. When you still knew how to block out the bad, because when you're a kid, the worst that can happen is your mom doesn't let you have candy(Obviously there are some exceptions). When all you see, is all you know. The bad is orchestrated into normal. You don't know anything else, and you accept things as they are.
Don't get me wrong, I don't wanna go back, because I'd rather know the truth. To actually know the people you're living with. To know that they aren't faking it for you anymore. That you aren't even worth trying to fool.

I guess I never really talked about how bad things really were. I didn't see the need to. I don't want people's pity(Whether Bego agrees or not doesn't matter:P). And I never really have. When I do, its for small, meaningless things.
But I don't want people feeling sorry for me, which often happens when I tell my story. I don't want that. I want them to know that I made it through, and they can, too. That from my story, they can help other people. Understand a little bit better what it means to honestly not have a family. To see how difficult it is to try and sew everything back together.

"Family is forever"
But if it was never really a family, does it mean family is never?
Or does it mean, that sometimes you just have to get rid of the bad, and start over? That you can make it through anything with your family if you work hard enough? Because some of this family, is the reason we aren't one.


I know, I know. You wanna grow up, and then when you are, all you wanna do is go back to being young again.
Yeah, that happens to most people, but when your childhood was like mine, I would do anything to leave it behind. To move forward and feel no need to look behind me.

I want: to be a missionary
Junior year, here I come.
Cause yanno, I'm so sick of not being good enough.
and yanno, this is gonna be the year that changes it all.
Baby, there's nothing holding me back this year.

So, she said, "baby you know you're beautiful, inside and out"
And I say, "thanks Mom, they say I take after my dad."

Matt & Kim - Daylight

This song makes me so incredibly happy. Among others that I've randomly been finding.

I really need to stop blog stalking people, it's becoming an issue. And wayyy too much to keep up with.

I woke up at five in the morning today. It was just so hot, my body wanted me to do something about it. So I went upstairs and passed out in Mel's bed. Good thing she wasn't home :D

I woke up to find a voicemail from kenny that he left at one thirty in the morning. Literally ten minutes after I passed out. Our timing isn't so good sometimes. But guysss! He's back! And I'm ao excited. Maybe my summer will actually begin now.

You know what other song I love?

Number one Gun by The Victory. My choice in music as changed drastically lately. I'm finding I'm really into a lot of music that Mr. Kyle O'Dowd tried to get me to listen to a year ago. Oops.

So now my zune goes from african tribal music to Of Montreal to Metallica to Rap to who knows what else. I'd say that's pretty impressive.

I'm starving. But I've been too lazy to actually get up and get food lately. And then when I get up I pig out from lack of eating all day. This probably isn't the healthiest thing to be doing.

"All I want is to reach out For all of you, all of you.

It's the simple things that make me and take me, all the way."

I like songs that make me think of summer. Of certain feelings and memories. Those are the songs, to me at least, that are of real talent. Not the stupid catchy ones that everyone always has stuck in their heads, that stay on the top charts for MONTHS. So everytime you turn on the radio, its the same music every hour. And you can dance to them and sing along(all the while making yourself look like an idiot in the car next to you). But twenty years from now, they aren't the songs I'll remember.

I have to go to work today, which is okay by me, they have air conditioning! But I seriously need to eat and shower and stop acting like a hermit. I've barely been out of my house all summer. Nothing at all like last year. But I had a serious wake up call yesterday. One that I was okay with. If I'm going to be rejected because of who I've become, I'm okay with that. I don't mind. I like who I am, and I like who I'm around. I just wish there were more people that were home.

But like I said, Kenny's home! So that gives me one person I can spend some time with.

My sister-in-law Jess called me yesterday. Heyyy, I haven't talked to you since Christmas. I'm not sure whether to be happy she cared enough to call now, or to be upset she didn't care enough to call sooner. She and Justin had no idea what had been going on here for two years. And now, Justin wants to talk to me and ask me questions. Which usually turns into him scolding me for something... But I'm trusting God with this. His timing is perfect.

Time to live today.

"I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity"

And your faith really shows when...

"You can really tell God is in the middle of this."

I really, really hate when people say things like that.
Why is it that people only say things like that when God is working through the bad stuff?
No one really says anything like that when everything is going amazingly.
Why doesn't anyone say it when they see a child smile, or when its sunny outside, or even when it's raining outside. When they find true love, when there's an amazing sunset, or when they've found something they've lost.
Everyday occurrences are so overlooked.
I try to thank God with everything as the day goes on. But I still overlook the small things.
I'm not saying I'm any different, but the statement in quotes up above, makes me a little upset.
God is working in the middle of everything.
Just because you see it more, doesn't mean He wasn't there before.
And when you see it less, it doesn't mean He deserves any less praise.

"You can really tell that God is working in the middle of everything."


I very much dislike it when people won't admit their faults as well.
I have two people I know who butt heads all the time, because they both become angry extremely easily.
But neither of them will admit it.
One of them even has the nerve to say that he hasn't gotten angry.
I'm sorry, but normally when you're yelling and storming off, people are going to think you're a little mad.
But you know, maybe I'm just reading those signs wrong.




Something else that makes me pretty annoyed, is when people do whatever it takes to make you feel guilty. SOMETHING YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER.
All day long its: "I'm trying really hard to make things better." "If you would just look at it through my perspective." " I thought you guys appreciated the changes, guess I'll have to try harder."
You expect way too much from us.
And I don't appreciate it, so maybe if you could just stop for one second, and think about it through someone else's perspective, rather than always making everyone look through yours.



I feel sick... again. And Melly has a stomach bug, so this should be fun.


Also, please don't misinterpret the above paragraphs as me being angry at anyone.
I'm just kinda frustrated that everyone is so set on making themselves look good, that they don't do anything to actually make themselves good.

Hi, this is meg from trilogy wheelchair services

I love my job. But to a degree it really frustrates me.
Talking to people with so many medical issues, where most of them go to the doctor at least once a week. How do you comfort someone who knows their end is near?
Also, you can tell who is actually happy with their lives, and who are not, just by talking to them for a minute on the phone.
The ones who answer and you can tell they're smiling as they talk to you, give me hope. And they always seem to be the ones with terminal diseases.
And then, the ones who are quite obviously annoyed that you're calling them, well, they're lives are better off than some. Not perfect, but better off.

You can even tell when you talk to receptionists at doctor's offices. Which of them are happy to be there, happy to be helping people who can't help themselves, and the ones who just think everything sucks.

And if I read this much into the way they sound on the phone, it makes me wonder, which of the two am I?

Construction site.

It really is a sudden thought in an important moment.
A sudden thought that can change absolutely everything.
Absolutely everything, that was fine just the way it was.

When I want change, it doesn't come. And when I like the way things are,
change comes through like a wrecking ball.

Who knows how this will go. I like to think I can handle anything that comes my way. Because I can. But sometimes, I just don't want to.
I'm too lazy to even fix my own life.
But no one is ever too lazy to complain, huh?

He didn't stay in the grave, and He's not staying in heaven forever.

Because I'll be there,
and then I'll be gone.

I could never stay in one
place for too long.


So I decided that eventually I'll post some of my entries from my journal. The one without lines... Which is kind of annoying. But it's purchase helped children in Yuganda, so why not?


Anyway, a lot of the entries from that journal will eventually be posted.
Censored to a degree, however, since I'd rather not express all of my thoughts here.
I'm just not open enough to write down everything.


It's the story of the trials and journies, the battles, good and bad. Conflict and community. An account of God's work. Tales, mostly not exaggerated... God's glory from and unusual source, an unlikely perspective.


^^ That was my original plan for my blog.
I can honestly say I haven't really stuck to that outline.
Mostly the focus on God part. I really haven't done a good job
of that in everyday life, not just my blog. Its true that I never
really expressed that intention. I still feel the need to apologize
for it. Whether or not it's to comfort me, isn't important.


So, sophomore year is over. I am so happy.
But in a really weird way, I'm kind of sad...
I don't think I could explain it in a way anyone would understand.

Guess it's time for another end of the year thing.



TOP TEN MOST INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE THIS YEAR.

1. Jesus. Pretty sure He should always be number one on my list.
2. Kenny Hollingsworth. He's so completely different than the norm. It's pretty much amazing. He's usually there to give me a spiritual boost:)
3. Corey Farr. He's always there for me, even if that means waking up at four in the morning rofl. He's a good kiddo.
4. Matt Jenkins. He doesn't know it but he always makes me laugh. He's funny and somewhat intelligent ;P He makes my day.
5. Melody Delaney. Okay, yeah she's my sister, but she has a huge influence on me. She's such a sweet kid. And she deserves so much better than what she's given.
6. My Mom. Let's not even go into that one.
7. Chris Tapia. What an awesome kid haha. I can't even explain how awesome he is. He's just one of those friends who you never, ever wanna lose.
8. Andrew Stencavage. I don't wanna talk about it.
9. Bego Terzimustafic. Awesome person, but like everyone, he has his moments.
10. Cam Wright. I love this boy haha. Even though he thinks I'm a tool sometimes:D He has a good heart :)

TOP TEN BEST FRIENDS THIS YEAR.
1. Kenny Hollingsworth.
2. Melody Delaney
3. Aura Wood.
4. Lauren Makarawicz
5. Corey Farr.
6. Theresa Mequid
7. Chris Hughes
8. Taylor Crowder
9. Michi Tassey!
10. Brian Tassey

TOP TEN MOST LISTENED TO SONGS
1. Everything you ever wanted by Hawk Nelson(due to singing this song in a talent show rofl.)
2. You make me smile by Blue October.
3. Firefly by Jimmy Needham.
4. I can only imagine by Casting Crowns.
5. East to West by Casting Crowns
6. Hosanah by Hillsong
7. Who am I by Casting Crowns
8. Fire Fall Down by Hillsong
9. Everything by Lifehouse
10. Better is One Day by Third Day


GOALS FOR THIS SUMMER
1. Live out God's plan for me as much as possible.
2. RECKLESS CAMP! Follow God's plan during it, and help others live out His plan for their lives too.
3. Jump on a trampoline until I can't walk.
4. Get a new phone rofl.
5. Save up for Driver's ed.
6. Go to at least two shows.(soulfest doesn't count.)
7. SOULFEST!
8. Spend as much time with my Lord and Savior as I do with my friends. If not more :D
9. Plan a party at my house. With a bonfireeee.
10. Take whatever comes my way.

I am so pumped for Reckless camp. Stoked, even. You have no idea.

So after writing all of that, and looking at my blog about the end of the last school year, I finally realize how much things change over time. When you take it day by day, it doesn't seem like anything has, but when you look back, everything has. With change comes pain. But with pain comes strength. And once again as I said last year, I am even stronger than I was last year.

I wasn't as emotional as last year, and I was a lot less dependant on people. I think this year was worth it ;)

I'm getting paid for this.

It's been a while. But I keep getting pestered about not blogging.
I have a really long entry that I wanna put on here when I have time.
But for now, you'll all have to accept a somewhat short blog.
Considering I'm not supposed to be on right now...



So, five more days, and I'll never see you again.
I'll do whatever it takes to make sure of it. As well as whatever it takes to get rid of those memories.
Yes, you played a roll in my life, but no, it's not going to exist anymore.

I gave a message at Reckless on Saturday.
Terrified out of my mind.
Supposedly I did a good job. I'll leave it at that.

Things are better now.
You can still see my dad's anger gleaming under the surface sometimes.
I won't react until it comes to shore.

Melly isn't doing any better.
Honestly, I think things have gotten worse.
She misses her freedom, and in reality, I do, too.

Being able to do whatever, whenever was nice.
Obviously nothing outrageous, or rebellious even.
But, not having people care is kind of something I enjoy.
I don't normally like people worrying about me, caring about me.
I've never seen it as worth it.
But the few people who care now, I wouldn't trade them, or that, for the world.

I feel as though change is something I love a little too much.
The other night I actually said that nothing ever changes drastically enough for me.
It's true, I adjust easily.
It's hard to make me feel awkward. Angry. Nervous(unless I'm giving a message apparently). I want to be uncomfortable.
I don't want the world to be my confort zone anymore.

My job has lost it's thrill. Now its just another agonizing part of my day.
Something that gets in the way when all I wanna do is sleep.

My anxiety has surprisingly gotten worse. And as for the nightmares, more detailed and gruesome. I swear, I could make best selling horror flicks out of those.

So, I lied about this being short. I'm just trying to kill time. Letting out anything that comes in my head.

I know I normally put quotes in here, but since my blog isn't one of my main priorities anymore, I haven't been saving any.
I don't carry a notebook around anymore. I haven't in a while, really.
When I get a computer I'll work on it again.

I'm working really hard on making God most important in my life now.
You could say I'm failing epically.
But I'm also doing a lot better than I have been.
I'd say that's pretty alright.

Till next time, farewell.

mcdoubles, order for life?

Not moving to Candia.
WOOOO!
I'm gonna be living with my dad, Mel, and josh.
Things are gonna be better now.


I've mentioned before that it takes a lot to make me angry.
But, I'm starting to get closer and closer to spilling over.

Misinterpretations. Obviously something I love.
But to be totally honest, I'm getting a little sick of them.
My intentions are good.
Why does everyone doubt that?


I miss everyone who is in Buffalo.
Corey and Kenny, two of the people I depend on the most have been gone for less than a week and I'm already stressing.
Pathetic.


Definitely sitting in McDonalds while writing this.
At least creepy flirt guy isn't working right now.
"I think you just missed your dad."
Awesome, you shouldn't know who my dad is...




Frustration, pointless emotion.
Lost in transition.
What a seemingly false fact of living.

opinionated emotions, false accusations.

Moving to Candia May first. With all the hicks and potheads.
Joy.
I was supposed to have a meeting with my family tomorrow, to discuss living with my dad.
There's no way my mom will let that happen.

I can feel my solid ground turning to quicksand.

God. Help us, please.

Questioning authority? Maybe because you have none.


I saw the Passion of the Christ in its entirety for the first time yesterday.
I couldn't watch after the whipping.

make belief.

"You're right, I don't care."
For as long as I've known those words to be true, I don't think I've wanted to hear them.
I'm glad to know my thoughts haven't been make belief.
That I wasn't worsening our situation. Making it sound worse than it is.
Nope, it's just as bad as I say it is. If not worse.

Desperation... not a good thing.

I'm like wandering around...
Not in life, but more in my faith.
Definite wake up call though?
Having a dream about doing a message at Reckless.
And then waking up to find a text from Miranda saying I should do a message.
Now it's definitely on my heart, even more than it was before.
Jill and I talked about it, and the message I wanna do kinda revolves around Easter...
So if I end up doing it, I have less than a week...
WOOO.
If this is what God wants, it'll all work out :)

Last night was a definite sign of who my mom is now.
Scoffing at my sister as she sits on the ground and prays. Giving her dirty looks.
Saying that I don't take enough responsibility for Mel.
I wasn't aware that it was my job.
But, I'm trying so hard to protect her, and lead her in the right direction.
Be a parent to her? Since she's kind of lacking that in her life.
God, please help us, everythings getting so much tougher, I know you're there.
Working in the background, that this all has its purpose.
I know not to worry, you have it under control, but please, please, help us. Or at least Melly.

Why am I so unwanted?

No, Meg, you aren't unwanted.
You just feel so inadequate when you don't get the attention you deserve.
You feel unimportant if people don't pay attention to you.
Sure you're fun for a while, but then people get bored of you.
Your repetitive jokes, your sarcasm, your obnoxiousness.
You're too much.
This is why you get bored at parties after a while, and end up going home feeling depressed.
You like people who pay attention to you.
And when you don't get what you want, you go into a corner hoping someone will notice, that someone will care enough to see whats wrong.
Then they come over and ask you, and you say that you're fine.
You hope and pray that they'll pry, but no one ever cares enough to.
No one has ever cared about you as much as you'd like.
No one's ever cared.

It's like that gosh darn muffin this morning.
Everyone always loves the top of those muffins, it's always their favorite part.
They eat that part, and then don't want the rest.
The top makes it look so appetizing, so appealing.
It makes the muffin look good.
Everyone loves the top, they don't love the muffin enough to dig deeper, to eat the whole thing.

People love the outside layer of me.
They love that I'm always happy, always cheerful. I don't want that label anymore.
I don't want to be happy anymore. I'm dealing with so much and no one takes the time to ask about it, except for Corey Farr.
The only person in a long time, who makes me feel like he cares.
He pries, but not in a rude manner.

Why hasn't anyone cared since my grandpa died? Since then, till now.
I help everyone else, but no one cares about me enough to ask me how I'm doing, and to actually listen.


Even my closest friends, aren't that close.

I'm so closed off. I convince everyone into thinking I'm fine all the time.
I just wanted to let you know, that I'm not.


Is this me just craving attention again?

The dim reflection of that old dusky mirror, is that what I'd look like as a ghost?


A single flower growing in a sea of grass.
Sometimes that's what life feels like.
A loner, a beauty, but all alone.

A prick on a thorn bush, a single sharp pain, there and then gone.
A single drop of blood, there, and then gone.


So many thoughts in my head. Why is my brain functioning in such an observing way?
Noticing detail, coming up with beautiful words in my own head.
I didn't know I was capable.
Make it stop. I can't get them all out, and then I forget. Maybe it'd be better if they weren't there at all.

I can see my reflection in his eyes.
A boy once said to me that it reflects innocence, having a mirroring gloss on your eyes.
Does that mean that boy still has some innocence left in him?

Do I just wear a sign that says everyone can blow up at me all the time?
I'm so sick of being here.
You know there's a mental problem with your family when the last person you'd ever expect hits you. When he's not the first. And definitely won't be the last.


Just the family scape goat.
Just the one everyone can take everything out on.
Completely in the background.


I don't want to be in the background anymore.

Uncomfortable by association.

So, today, just like every other day, my cat begs to go outside. I let him outside, and not even two minutes later, he's begging to come in. I let him in, and then he begs to go back out. And the cycle continues.

But today was different. Because today, I thought about how it's exactly like humans.
We want change, but when it happens, all we think about is how great things used to be. We beg for change, it happens, and we wish we could go back to our past.
Why do we do that? Why can't we just be happy in the present. Stop depending on the memories of the past, and the hopes of the future. Just live in the now. For the now.


Also, that was one of the most awkward situations I have ever been in.
Actually two in one day. Fantastic.

First one takes place with Stuart. Well of course.
It's been so long that I've hung out with him, I forgot how funny he is, loving and caring. We started talking about how his girlfriend is jealous of me. That she's jealous of how much Stu's Dad loves me. How Stuart and I used to hang out so much.
And I asked about this summer, and what exactly happened.
I said something that was probably mean. And he told me he loved me.
And that 'I always rag on him'.
Well, I'm sorry. What am I supposed to do when you tell me you love me, and you're dating someone? Someones who already dislikes me?
Someone who has to deal with so much because of you already?
Stuart, I'm the only one who ever tries to keep you in line.
Are you sure that's not why you love me?
Because I genuinely care about you, about your future, everything?
I swear Stuart, you mess up your whole life, because no ones there to stop you.


Awkward moment number two?
Dinner with my "family".
Brad doesn't talk the whole time. No one talks till I start.
Some frikken family this is.
Where was this "family" for the past three years?

the worst mistake you could make, is not learning from them.

"It doesn't feel like Friday. But I'm glad it is."


The signs of Spring surround me. Memories from past years come back. Some unfamiliar and distant, ones I wish I could remember better. And then the ones I wish I could just erase.

I'm going on a walk with Aura and TJ.
Fun stuff.



Also. I've still been listening to We Own the Sky by m83 over and over again.
I don't know why, but I absolutely love this song.
It makes me think of Spring.
Of good memories... but I don't know why.
I like sitting on my roof listening to it, while its blasting.
This is the way I wish I felt all the time.


Everything's falling apart. But that's normal nowadays.
Everything's falling apart. But I don't care anymore.
Everything's falling apart. But I'm not gonna be the one to hold it all together anymore.

I like this feeling.
Stay a while, won't you?

"I was listening to the rain. It's quite lyrical."

cross the bridge made of your soul.

I bought a guitar. A crappy one apparently. But I don't care.
I need to buy strings for it. And learn how to play it. This could be just what I've been waiting for.


We own the sky by M83 is amazing. I just discovered a band I'm in love with, all thanks to Zack Hanney :)

I'm so sick of feel horrible all the time.
It's great weather outside, I've been in better shape, but I can't do anything.
I just hurt. Everything hurts. Not extremely. But enough to hold me back.

I can't express my love for this song.
I have to go out with my dad.
I figured this blog would be good enough to hold you guys over for a little while.

Anyone have some duct tape to hold my life together?

Stupid stupid mistakes. Leading to worse and worse mistakes. All coming down to horrible consequences and regrets.
It was a stupid mistake.
I feel horrible. I feel guilty.
And now, I feel even worse.

When I feel bad, everyone feels the need to make it worse.
When I feel okay, it has to be taken down, too.


"If you ask God for forgiveness for it, it'll be okay Meg. You made a mistake. And you regret it. You're human, we all make mistakes"

It's just so frustrating that everyone can get away with stuff. MAJOR stuff.
And the moment I mess up once, everyone cracks down on me.
Makes me feel horrible.
I know its part of representing God.
I just want some slack sometimes.
We do all make mistakes.
I try harder not to.
But I still do.
I just want everyone to leave me alone once in a while.
I can feel guilty all by myself.
I don't need you to tell me to feel it.


I am so disappointed in myself.
What on earth was I doing? What on earth was I thinking?
I guess I'm just dealing with so much stuff, that I'm not. Or haven't.
I haven't been thinking.

I'm sorry. My life is falling to pieces.
I'll try to keep it all together for all of you.
Because apparently thats all that matters.
As long as I hold it all together for everyone else, it'll all be fine.
It doesn't matter what I'm struggling with. I have to keep it together for you guys.


I love Brian Tassey tremendously.
I love Michi Tassey a lot as well.
But mostly, I love Kenny. And I'm sorry I almost messed that up.

Beauty is inner, not to be thinner.

It is so so sad to see so many girls struggling with anorexia, or bulimia, or even just binge eating, because they're unhappy with their bodies, or themselves in general.
To look in the mirror, and say "I am so ugly." "No one would ever want me" "Maybe if I lose a few more pounds." But how many pounds lost is enough? If you have never been happy with yourself, how will you ever know when you are?

Sure, I don't always look in the mirror and say "Gee, you're a ten."
It's normal to not be completely content with yourself. To pick out little things you wish you could change. But, being content with yourself overall, is such a far fetched idea nowadays.

So many girls rely on people telling them that they're beautiful. They just wanna hear " you are so pretty." "That outfit looks amazing on you." " You are the most gorgeous girl I have ever met." And yes, we all love flattery, but when you need to hear those things so often just to feel better, and you don't believe them, then that's when the problem arises.

The media. I know, I know, it's been talked about before. Many times in fact. But if it's been talked about so many times, why hasn't it changed? You hear all the time about actresses needing to lose weight to be in a movie. Why? Why do they need to lose weight? If they can play the role to a tee, why does dropping fifteen pounds matter?
Why do we need to edit girls in magazines to look skinnier, bustier, blonder?
They were chosen for the shoot, because they were thought to be beautiful. Not because they could be made to look beautiful. That's not fair.

Why is it okay to have other people judge what's beautiful?
Beauty wasn't supposed to be someone's outer appearance.
Inner beauty is, what beauty was.
The definition of beauty changes, almost constantly.
It used to be the more curves the better, being plump, being flat chested, and now it's being skinny.
And look what it's driven us to?
Eating disorders.
Something that is a daily task, became something deadly.
Young girls(and boys) are subjected to being told that they ARE NOT beautiful.
Teenage years are the most awkward, yes we know.
But did you also know that these are the years when most eating disorders begin?

We're in our awkward stages of growing up and finding ourselves.
Zits, weird body growth, etc. We start going through changes, and we're no longer who we used to be, who we were accustomed to.
These are also the harshest years. When taunting, and teasing becomes the worst.
You get picked on for the changes you're going through, that you have NO control over.
And then, of course, there's the media, making you feel worse and worse about yourself.

There are so many definitions of beauty right now.
And I can certainly tell you that I don't fit most of them.
Tall, bleach blonde? Nope, not me.
Not most people.

God created everyone differently. With all different shapes and sizes.
He created us all with different characteristics of HIM.
Not different features. No one has the eyes of God, or the height.
But we have the different personality traits.
Such as, being outgoing, or caring, considerate.
He created us in His image.
And he believes we're all beautiful.
We're all unique. Why would you want to look like everyone else, when you can look like you?
God, the king of the universe, the one who sent his son to die for us, thinks I'm beautiful.
ME. But not only me, you, and everyone.
When Jesus died on the cross, he saw everyone's face.
He saw mine, He was dying for me. He was dying for you.
He thought of, and loves, everyone.

These are the things I like to think about when I have a new zit on my face, or I can't fit into my favorite pair of skinny jeans anymore. That God thinks I'm beautiful. And if He thinks so, why should I care what other people think?

You are beautiful. And even if you don't stand up to everyone's definition of beautiful, don't let it get you down. Outer beauty doesn't stay forever. But inner beauty sure will :)






If you know someone with an eating disorder, or you yourself are struggling with one, please check out the links at the bottom of the page.


http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

http://www.something-fishy.org/

http://www.anad.org/

Or please call an eating disorder helpline. The one below is for New Hampshire residents.
If you do not live in NH, you can look up the number online, or contact me.

1-800-941-5313




Beauty comes in all different shapes and sizes.