just so I can put my thoughts somewhere.

I've been chasing these dreams all over the place.

People see God every day, they just don't recognize him.

People only wanna get to know you, to find your secrets. The darkest thing you hide is the ultimate prize.


I've never been good at showing emotions, but when I'm around you, all of that changes.


I have your guitar pick in my pocket. And that's where it will always stay.


"Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is... Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever."



It's the curiosity you feel when you see someone new. Or when you know someone wants to tell you something, but refuses. Or even a mystery you just want to solve.


God understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them.



"I've got a feeling if I say this loud enough. You will sing it back to me."



Everything has a reason.
Every door that closes, or one that opens, has a purpose.
Whether we go through the open door, or if we try to open the closed ones, well that, that is our decision. Some doors close, to never be opened again. To lock it and never look back. Some close, just so we can try to open it again, to remember all the things that the door leads to. And some open, just to tempt us, to test us, even. It's our decision to decide what doors we go through, and which ones we lock forever.
Just remember though, never, ever, lose your keys.

pretending.

Sometimes I don't realize how I affect other people.
How strongly, how often.
I like to pretend I live in my own little bubble, where nothing I do, hurts anyone else, and nothing can hurt me.

It's like when a child is young and thinks that if they can't see you, you can't see them.
So they proceed to put their hands over their eyes when getting yelled at, or even in a game of hide and seek.

If I cover my eyes, maybe no one will see me.

But that's not the way it works.
I don't have a bubble around me, and people will still see me. They'll just think I'm being silly.
The things we do, do affect other people.
Positively, and negatively.


I learned yesterday not to follow my heart, but instead to lead it.
People say they were just following their hearts when they do something wrong.
But if your heart is leading you to sin, or do something that will greatly hurt other people, then you shouldn't follow it.
Following your heart off a cliff is the same as sinning.
If your heart was telling you to jump off a 12 story building, you wouldn't do it.
So why do we follow our hearts to cheat, or lie, or deceive people?
Don't follow your heart. You're in control of it, so instead of following it, lead it.

This is something I'll need to work on.


Sometimes I like to pretend that the mistakes, and the failures early in my life won't affect my life later on. That all the failed classes and laziness will just disappear by the time I'm an adult.
But that's not the way it works either.
Our mistakes follow us, but that doesn't mean we have to let them control everything we do.
And most of the habits I've gotten myself into don't disappear in a click of my heels.
They take time and effort to end.
Time and effort I'm finally willing to give.


So I've decided that I'm going to get the love dare book. Not for a boy. But for my mom.
She's been so sweet lately. I'm not gonna say it's because Brad's around. But that could very well be why.
All I know is, Melody and I are terrible to her. If there's anything awkward in the love dare book, I'll skip it. But I'm pretty sure that most everything in there will help earn her trust in me back.

Okay. I've been rambling.
Time for church!
:D

rawr.

People should comment this blog.
Because comments make me happy.


I am currently wicked sick... again.
Sore throat, runny nose.
So it's not as bad as previous illness. But I hate sore throats.

I am watching Wayne's World 2.
Because I'm a winner.

Christmas... I didn't end up working at the soup kitchen. I was wicked disappointed.
But I went to the Hughes for breakfast, and then spent the rest of the day with my dad.
Giftcards? yes. Awesome.
To all my favorite places? yes. Even more awesome.

Still have to celebrate Christmas with my mom and all my siblings.
Fantastic.

I'm extremely excited.
For no apparent reason... :D

Ugh.
My throat hurts really bad.
This was supposed to be a good blog.
Like with poetry and stuff.
Oh well.

Merry Christmas.

The smell of evergreen fills the house.

frustrated.
disappointed.
annoyed.
confused.
happy.
thoughtful.
excited.
anxious.
sad.
chipper.

all these emotions at once can be hard to handle.

frustrated- school isn't going the way it should be for me.
disappointed- the fact that you have fallen so far down. and I can't do anything about it.
annoyed- The Christmas spirit just isn't in my house anymore. Any spirit at all, for that matter.
confused- I thought you forgot about me?
happy- we've come so far along, so easily. It only gets hard from here on.
thoughtful- the joys of Christmas are everywhere, it just takes a keen eye sometimes.
excited-for tomorrow. and the next day, and the next.
anxious- to see what you'll do next.
sad- watching my dad in the holidays in the saddest thing, ever.
chipper- because I am finally content with everything.

you are deceitful. Dishonest. Forever assuming. And the worst part is, you don't know it.
and I surely won't be the one to tell you.

grrrr. my internet turns off in six minutes.
I really hate having a limit... not to mention I haven't finished the homework I needed to do for health...

So, we had to do this survey thing for health, to determine the cost of a baby for a year.
$15,872.
If there was ever any doubt, I am definitely not having kids now.


Christmas party for SLT tomorrow.
These are the things that make me happy.


Time to go make Christmas cards. Goodnight

Have you given a piece of your heart away?

I haven't blogged in five days... what?
The last time that happened was because of summer.
Everything was so good, or not worth mentioning.
So I only wrote about ten blogs.
People always yell at me when I don't blog.
So here it goes.


Miscommunication is fun.
But that's over now.
And I like it a lot better the way it is now :)

I finished Kenny's present. And he liked it.
It was a scrapbook/notebook thing.
It took me FOREVER.
Now I just need to finish my other seven hundred presents before Christmas.

It's a good thing my mom is making us wait a week before we celebrate Christmas.
There is no way I could pull everything together before Friday.
So all I need to do now, is pull everything together for my Dad and friends.

Aura.
Lauren.
Miranda.
Cam.
Josiah.
Chris.
Bego.
Mutt(:D)
Nick.
and Andrew.
I don't know about the last three though...
I don't even really know them anymore.
And as for Bego, he always seems mad at me when we hang out now.


My sarcasm has gotten kind of out of control.
I didn't even realize how bad it was.
It's driving me insane.


Reckless yesterday was absolutely amazing.
I was in a really bad mood for most of it.
But during worship, I broke down.
Everything I've been holding inside lately.
Everything that Corey and Nate have talked about at Reckless hit me.
Not because I've had my heartbroken, or given pieces away.
But because of more than that...

My mom bought a tree... its my height.
We normally get like, seven foot trees.
This is weird.


Christmas Party on Tuesday. Wicked excited.
White Elephant anyone?

The definition of love, please?

Did you know I love you?
This is real love, this isn't what I say when someone does something for me, or is being nice, or just themselves. This is the real deal.
I was always scared to actually love someone, but I realized that's never what I've been afraid of.
It's falling out of love that terrifies me.
Thinking you found the right person, the person who fits you, and then one day, they don't match you anymore.

Scary to think about, isn't it?
You spend all your time thinking about how you wanna spend forever with them, and you daydream, and you hope and pray. And then something happens, and you don't want to spend forever with them, and you hope and pray that they won't take it too hard.
Why does it happen?
Maybe because we're teenagers. Most teens change on a weekly basis.
If you're constantly changing, you can't find your match, because your match changes as frequently as you do.


I understand this, and I'm not letting it get in my way.
I have something on my side that most people don't.

It's weird to think about.
I am definitely not in a position to be in a relationship right now.
I have a lot of repair work to do first.
But, why on earth do I think I'm ready to be in love with someone?
I do love him, there is no doubt about that.
He is my match, and I am determined to make sure it stays that way.


I'm too much of a flirt.
I'm still working on that.
I'm still working on quite a few things.
Tearing down everything, to build it to be better than ever before.
Piece by piece, day by day.
One day, it'll all work out.

It's all about perspective.
Some people may think I'm unhappy, some will think I have a great life.
Like I've said before, I never fake happiness.
If I'm smiling, its because I feel happy.
Not because I'm covering something up.

I don't have a perfect life, I don't have a life anywhere near perfect.
But I do in fact, have a great life.


All I have is yours.

When yesterday seems longer ago than it was, and the weekend never comes.

For the days when the world is beautiful and all white.
When everything seems calm, even if only for a second.
The moment you walk outside, and you're greeted by the sounds of winter.
For the days when the good times don't last, and the bad ones never end.
There's a lullaby that comes along with winter.
Listen closely.
The creaking of the trees, the whistle of the wind, the crunch of walking through the thick hardened snow.
Listen closely, and your dreams will be sure to follow.


You express your emotions through singing.
I express them through words.
Most of the time, the important ones never reach my blog.
Someday, I'll write something that will hopefully show how I feel about you.
I don't think I can pull the right words out of my vocabulary and put them in the right order.
But who knows, maybe I will. And maybe, that will be your Christmas present.

you randomly calling just to sing me a song, is what makes me love you.

old decaying tree.

Ignore my post from yesterday.
I wasn't mad at you, I had a good day.
Until I got home.
But isn't that the way it always goes?

My mom went away for the weekend.
Apparently Lauren's sleeping over tomorrow?
RECKLESS.
Maybe I'll actually get to talk to you about what I need to.
church Sunday.
oh, and of course, homework.


Just smile.
Even if it starts out as a fake smile, you can make it real.
I don't fake smiles, ever.
Smiling shows that you're happy, but, you can smile to make yourself happy.

Mr.Sterling wanted to know why I didn't stop smiling during band today.
I told him that I finally understood.
Which he didn't understand.
But it doesn't matter.

"According to you I’m stupid, I’m useless, I can’t do anything right. According to you I’m difficult, hard to please, forever changing my mind."

"But according to him I’m beautiful, incredible, he can’t get me out of his head. According to him I’m funny, irresistible, everything he ever wanted."

It's such a change.
The future doesn't scare me anymore.
My past is free, and I don't care anymore.
I had a another dream about xander.
But get this, it was me saying goodbye.
cool huh?
:D



"Like branches on a tree, we may grow in different directions, yet our roots remain as one. Each of our lives will always be a special part of the other..."

HA.
I know I wasn't gonna write anything about you.
But I had a dream about you, too.
I saw you for the first time in like five years.
I was married, and you weren't.
You had a part time job.
A small dirty apartment.
And nothing you wanted for your life was happening.
It was extremely sad.
I felt horrible.

That quote on your profile.
I hope to God that isn't about me.
When you chop down a tree, the roots eventually shrivel up and die.
You chopped down our tree, it isn't still growing.
I planted a new one, and your roots are no where to be found.
And I have feeling that this tree, will be bigger and more beautiful than that tree could have ever been.


So, I can't promise I won't think about you, and that you don't still affect me.
Because I do, and you will.
But that doesn't mean anything.
You were a big part of my life.
Bigger than anyone else.
But you left like everyone else does.
This time though, I expected it.
I don't cry myself to sleep, I don't think about trying to get you back.
You'll always mean a great deal to me, but in the past tense.


I get to see you tonight.
And I am so excited to be able to actually talk to you :)
No interruptions.
:D

In the middle of a breakdown watching you scream.


I saw you tonight.
cool.
bye.

snowgiant!

Gooooood day.
I have a ton of homework to do tonight.
Another all nighter?
you bet.


I GET TO SEE YOU TOMORROW.
so.excited.


I can't wait till the city is covered in snow, and everyone has their christmas lights out.
Best thing about winter.
Besides the obvious answer of Christmas.
But this year isn't gonna be that great.
My mom will be gone, and I have to spend the day with my dad.
We'll go to a homeless shelter like last year and work all day.
I don't mind much, I love being there helping.
I wish I had time to volunteer there more often than just Christmas day.
It's no big deal though :)
When I have time, I'll try.

Love is like a shooting star.

Why am I so jealous of you?
Maybe because all my best friends that I lost, are now yours.
It's frustrating watching you, because you annoy me so much, but I barely know you.
But, I look up to you too.
I have no reason to dislike you, you seem pretty cool.
I think I just hate how I lost everyone, and it seems like they replaced me.
Oh well, this honestly has nothing to do with you, yourself.
It's just my own stupid emotions once again.


I had a good day taking pictures with two of my favorite people.
I need to learn not to sink so low after I get home from a good day...

I was really looking forward to seeing you today.
You weren't there...
I wrote a note to myself reminding me that I'm lucky to see you as much as I do.
Who knows, maybe I'll see you Thursday :)

perfect hot cocoa.

I manipulate everyone around me.
wayyy too much.


baking cookies, watching the notebook, getting hot cocoa and chinese food with laurennn! and andy.
I'm starting to get those signs.
I don't want them.


I miss you :)
And I can't wait to see you tomorrow.



DID I FORGET TO MENTION CHRIS CAME OVER TODAY?!
Ilovethatboy<3

We were always meant to say Goodbye

I had a weird dream that I could make three wishes a day.
And instead of wishing for things I really wanted, I wished to fix everything with you and me.

I sat there thinking about how if I tried to fix other situations, it'd make them worse too.
How if I tried to fix my relationships with people, they wouldn't be as strong as they could be.

So instead I wished that you would call, and talk to me, and just tell me everything thats been going on. That we could be friends again.

It was stupid.
And I will promise that as of today, I will never blog about you again.
That I won't spend time thinking about you, and what's wrong with you.
It's a waste of time.
You will from now on, always be a waste of time.
I'm done.

Just another perfect day in a year of imperfection.

I don't know what it is about this song, It makes me so happy, for no apparent reason.

"Its the feeling I get, my arms would sweat, like some kind of daydream I'd never forget. I'm stuck in this spin, where does it begin? By touching the edge of her skin." It could just be the singers voice. He always captivates me.


Pastor Dave said to me that if you feel guilty after you do something, it means you're more conscious. That if I was guilt free, it'd be much worse. I asked if it was awful that I knew when I was doing something wrong, but I didn't stop. He said that if I do it often, it's a problem, and that I should pray about it. I have a problem.

It's just another huge lie I tell that everyone believes. I wish someone would call me out on it, so maybe, just maybe, it would bring me down to earth. Maybe it will help me stop.

Why has everyone been talking about cheating lately? I wish I could drown out things I don't wanna hear. Not my flaws, I appreciate when people point them out, it helps me fix them. I wish I could drown out sex jokes, swearing, gossip, just the things that aren't helping me with my journey. Who knows, maybe I can drown it out.

"Could you be the one whose not afraid to look me in the eye?" This song has played at least twenty times now.

I made a mistake last night. I knew I would regret it right after I did it. I did it anyways. It wasn't a sin, just something I'd have been better off not doing.
I needed to tell you... I didn't. I rambled on, but I never said it. And now, it'll never be said.

I went to the hairdressers today. She cut my hair wayyyy too short. And I am not pleased.
I just wanted a trim :(

But anyways, I was walking home, and it was mostly dark outside. Except, there was still some traces of the sunset in the distance. On the cities horizon, with the bright orange surrounded by the dark night sky, with the buildings all lit up, and the city ablaze, it was beautiful.

"I have to tell you that I cant stop thinking about you"

So many things in my life are amazing, absolutely beautiful.
Someday, I'll learn how to love the good things, and let them outweigh the bad.

"Meg, you need to get up. You need to think about how hard I'm trying for you. How hard this will be, but without your cooperation, nothing can happen."

I'm sorry. I'll try harder now. I promise.

"If you do this for me, I will do anything you want me to. NO listen, ANYTHING you want me to."

Thanks. I'm not interested. Not in the least.


p.s. that song is called you make me smile by Blue October.

"He only wrote it, so you would react. And because you did react, he got what he wanted."

It's been a month or so. I'm calling you.

Do hard things.

My posts have been short lately.
I've been happier.
But that doesn't change the fact that I might move.
That hopefully I won't, and I'll just transfer.
That'd be good.
That's what I'm waiting for. When my dad calls me and says, "everythings all set, you'll be able to go there in a few days."
That, would possibly be the best thing I've ever heard in my life.
I shouldn't expect it though, its not very likely.
I'm allowed to have dreams, right?
:)

forty pages of homework. How come everyone actually starts assigning it when I'm out of school?
This is gonna be a longgg week.

I'm waiting, waiting to see your reaction.
If you'll have one at all.
You might not, you might not for a while, but in the meantime... I'll be waiting.

Family meetings are always stupid.

I hate irony.



I might not be moving.
There's gonna be an intense family meeting tonight.
I'm gonna break down, no doubt.
Hopefully it'll be done in time for SLT, if we have it...

I can't handle this.
I can't move away from Reckless.
I can't move away from aura and kenny and lauren and everybody.
I can't do this.
I swear I'll die before you can ruin my life like this.

Nononono, please, I don't want to move.
Not to Maine.
Please no.
All I wanted was to talk to you about transfering schools.
Not transfering states.
I can't handle this. I can barely handle going to school, which is why I haven't been going.
and don't plan on returning anytime soon.


everythings seemed to finally be falling into place.
Please don't do this to me now

It's done.

Why am I so incapable of motivating myself to do anything?
I might as well just stop going to school, there's no point anymore.
I know that it's a stupid idea, but I can't handle it anymore.
I'm gonna go absolutely insane.
I need to be somewhere else.
I'm not going anymore.
And I don't care how hard my mom tries to get me to go. I'm not doing it anymore.
I don't care how bad of an idea this is, I just don't care.
Everything will be fine.
I'll be fine.
I just know, I'm not going back.
I've been too depressed lately, and I don't wanna be driven back to where I was last year.
Anything but that.
I'm not going.



"would you still love me if I was covered in piercings?"
"I would always love you, I just... might never touch you."

bahaha.
I'm glad we hung out today.
We never actually talked though, you know...

Isn't the moon pretty?

"I was just calling to let you know that I haven't forgotten about you, and that I do miss you."

You are possibly the sweetest boy I have ever met in my life.


So, I've never cried during a movie. I watched the new harry potter movie tonight, and was practically sobbing when Dumbledore died.
haha, I am so lame.

I don't have much to say...
My stomach flu is gone!
I feel fatter than usual!
and I can't wait till Miranda's party thanggg tomorrow!


BYE!

turkeyday.

Oh man, oh man.
Here goes a list of things I'm thankful for?
yeah, guess so.

1. RECKLESS! It's not even just so I can stay on track with God, it's just always the highlight of my week. No matter what.

2. Chris Hughes is coming back soon?! YES YES YES. I am so thankful for that. Babes I missed you so much. You mean the world to me. I wish you could stay longer than a month, but I understand that you have to go back. I love you to death, and you will always be my best friend.

3. Aura Wood you are absolutely amazing. And I am so sorry that I haven't been there for you as much as I should have been. I love you to death, you are my best friend. I love actually having a girl bestfriend. Someone I can talk to about anything. The fact that we can act completely stupid together, but think its the funniest thing. "I'm drunk off of Jesus!" I love you girly :)

4. Taylor Calabro? Yes. Absolutely. No matter what. I love you, so much. And I miss you terribly. Not a day goes by when I don't regret what happened between us. If I could take it all back, I would. Nothing means more to me than your advice, and your constant willingness to be there for me.

5. Kenny Hollingsworth :D You're special. In a good way :) "Give me your AIDS!" I love you so much. You are always there(except for when you're grounded, WHICH IS ALWAYS:P), haha, but really, you try to be there for me as much as you can be. You're the only person I've ever met, who when they don't know what to say, just gives me a hug instead. You don't try to sugar coat anything with your words. You're the only one who understands, that sometimes words don't need to be spoken.

6. So I see you in the hallway, and I've realized how strong you've made me. You always did the best you could to help me, to be there for me. You amaze me, but I worry about you so much.
I miss you, but that's okay, because it just reminds me how I need to stay strong.

7. Ian Burbank, you are amazing. In every essence of the word. We don't even have to talk about everything, and sometimes we get so far off topic. You get annoyed with me though. "so... nevermind." "NO, what?" "nevermind." "no! Meg I wanna know!" "I forgot.."
You make me smile, and just at the right moments too. I may not trust you completely, but I should, because you deserve it.

8. I'm thankful for my family. Because no matter how bad things get, they could always be worse.

Psalm 69:30: I will praise God's name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.

My mom's boyfriend is here.
Perfect start to a terrible weekend.

he said good morning with a bright smile on his face.

"you're better than the best. I'm lucky to just linger in your light."- smile by uncle kracker.

I am not ruining this for myself. Nonononono.
I messed up last night.
I'm not gonna tell you about it though...
You don't wanna know.
I don't want you to know.
haha, now you're gonna ask about this...


I STILL NEED TO TALK TO YOU :D
and I'm not gonna do it tonight.
just so you know :)


But last night was extremely stupid.
And I knew it while I was doing it. I kept thinking about how I should stop. But I didn't.
I'm just stupid, that's all.


I remember waking up and seeing a man out my window working on the telephone line.
He smiled at me and said good morning. I smiled and said thank you, and told him to have a good one, too. Then I remembered it was the morning of the yardsale.
I bounced out of bed, and got dressed, and hurriedly ran out the door.
The tent was already set up. The exercise machines were on the front lawn, and there were already people parked up and down our street.
Both my parents were wearing silly fanny packs to keep the money in.
There were people from church everywhere, saying hello, and that they were happy to see me. It was a really sunny day, so I took off my favorite red sox jacket, and put it on our stone wall in the backyard.(Later on I found out someone bought it, and was extremely upset :D)
I remember going through my piggy bank trying to find all my "shiny money" so I could buy little trinkets and stuffed animals. I'd go up to someone working and ask them how much something was. They always said, hmmm welll, I'd say its about ten cents. And I'd always exclaim about how good of a deal that was. I'd give them ten cents, and continue on my merry way.
I was only about eight years old, and I don't know why I remember this day so clearly.
I remember my parents being really happy at the end of the day for raising so much money for the church. And when it was all over my mom made soup and biscuits and we all watched a movie together. It was such a good day.
I try not to think about these things. The good ol' days when my family was together and happy. Well, for the most part.
Things were never perfect or anywhere close, but they were better than they are now.

I only forget, because its less painful than remembering.

maybe it is more than just a word...

You make me happy whether you know it or not
We should be happy that's what I said from the start
I am so happy knowing you are the one
That I want for the rest of my days
For the rest of my days
For all of my days

You're lookin' so cool you're lookin' so fly,
I can't deny that when I'm staring
You down right dead in the eye
I wanna try to be the person you want
The person you need
It's hard to conceive
That somebody like you could be with
Someone like me

I'm happy knowing that you are mine
The grass is greener on the other side
The more I think the more I wish
That we could lay here for hours and just reminisce

You're lookin so fresh
It's catching my eye
Why oh why did I not see this before
The guy* I adore was right in front of me
And now I'll take a step back and look in your eye
And ask why it took so long to see
We're meant to be

I'm happy knowing that you are mine
The grass is greener on the other side
The more I think the more I wish
That we could lay here for hours and just reminisce
On the good, the bad, the ugly
The smiles, the laughs, the funny,
Or all the things we put each other through
It's for you for you for you

You make me happy whether you know it or not
We should be happy that's what I said from the start
I am so happy knowing you are the one
That I want for the rest of my days
For the rest of my day

I'm happy knowing that you are mine
The grass is greener on the other side
The more I think the more I wish
That we could lay here for hours and just reminisce

*changed from girl to guy, for obvious reasons :P

nine times he uses the word happy in this song, and I still don't think its enough to express how happy you make me.
:D

You take me as I am. No critiques, no comments, nothing but sweetness and compassion.


It's kind of hard though, yanno?
I've been trying to be in control of my emotions like I used to be, but then when I'm around you, they explode everywhere all over again :)
It's safe to say I've never felt this way about anyone before.
I feel no need to do anything more than what we've done now.
And that's pretty much nothing XD
I wish I saw you more.

I've never felt these feelings before. and I want them to stay.
I want you to stay. always.

Sure, it may be a little far fetched in some people's eyes.
Okay, so he's only sixteen, and I'm only fifteen, but I'm almost positive that this will work.
But who knows, it's all God's plan, not mine.
I can definitely say that God is pointing me in this direction though. And with the instructions of "be careful, don't give into temptation, and don't be so forceful" in mind, I'll continue with this in a Holy manner.

hahahahahha, people are so gonna read this, and say Meg's crazy :)
And then you'll read it, and it'll make sense to you, but I may just be crazy.

Is there SLT this week?
oh man, I hope so.

P.S. I still need to talk to you :)
But I'm making you wait a week, or at least until you call.
I wonder if this was just an evil scheme to get you to actually call me during the week :P
I can be quite devious you know.

I am running on no sleep still, and I kind of think I'm going pyscho.

Have you seen this girl?

It was kind of silly for me to write that comment on your blog...
You'll probably never see it, and even if you do, you'll delete it.
You don't know the person who wrote it, not anymore.

I think this was better than calling you though. You could have hung up, or never listened to the voicemail. But people tend to feel the need to finish reading something. Well, at least I do.
Everything I said in that comment though, was true. And it always will be.

I have Reckless tonight. So pumped :D As always.
But maybe more, because you're teaching.

It's two o'clock, and I haven't showered yet.
I am the definition of disgusting.
And you are the definition of a liar.

I'll always find it weird, that I believed you. The lies that you said frequently and the ones not so frequently. "I love you." "I'll never leave you." "How could I ever forget you? I promise I never will." "I'll never hurt you again."

I could just be silly, for believing that anyone could do any of these things.
Somewhere deep down, I knew he would hurt me, that he'd leave me.
But I wanted with all my heart, for him to be telling the truth.
And I've always wondered, that if you believe something so strongly, that to you it isn't a lie.
So you didn't know you were lying. But you always were.

"don't you forget about me."

My mom and I have been getting along.
My dad doesn't drive me insane.
My sister and I talked about what she's been doing.
Taylor and I talked, and I think we both realized something.
Ian and I talked, and I realized something.
Everything is just fine.
I've learned to face my fears without needing someone beside me.
Maybe because there wasn't anyone left to be there...
I thank you for that.
Maybe after all, this was just another lesson.

I hope your nightmares go away. I hope I never cause them.

INFLUENZA.

So, I have the flu.
I haven't gone to school at all this week.
I feel absolutely terrible.
But I NEED to go to Reckless on Saturday.
I don't even know if I can, my mom might not let me.

Oh, and Austin Reddington, you are officially my hero.
Thank you so much for helping me out with the English project.
I was worried you guys would be in trouble since I haven't been there.
But you pulled through, thank you so much :)

Its so stupid, the fact that its the beginning of the semester, and I will already have FIVE absences.
I have skill, obviously.

ugh.
I miss seeing people.
Andrew called me today so we could hang out.
I really wanted to hang out with him, but I felt so miserable.
I miss him :/
I haven't seen him in like, a month and a half, and its not okay.


Not much has happened all week.
I've been sitting here.every.day.

Except, I hung out with Peter and Ben yesterday.
Kenny was supposed to be there supposedly? But he had youthgroup.
Me and Ben went to Tacobell and only took like twenty minutes to find it XD
Then we picked up Peter, and then I went home.
Its kind of awkward being around Peter lately, and I'd rather not explain why.


yeah, well, I feel like I'm gonna be sick.
So I am going to go throw up the brocolli and cheese my father was oh so kind to bring me.
Graphic? sorry :P
bye.

TWLOHA

When my friends do it, it hurts wicked bad. Seeing the cuts on their wrists, the scars. And when you ask them about it "It helps me feel better."



When I see the cuts on my baby sisters wrists, and I ask her about them, she says, "I've only done it once."

But once always turns into more. And more turns into a regular habit. A regular habit turns into a severe problem.



It scares me when my friends do it, but this is my baby sister. The only person in the world I would do ANYTHING for. And now all I wanna do is take the pain away. I want her to have more friends, for my mom to not yell at her, for her to feel beautiful.
I want to protect her from everything, but I know I can't. And this is evidence enough.

There have been times when I have wanted to cut myself. When I have wanted to throw up.
But I never can. Theres always something inside me that says I need to stop, that I'm stronger than this.
But am I strong, or am I just a coward?

I am not going to school tomorrow either. I am staying home with my baby sister, and spending time with her.
I am sorry about my group project that is due tomorrow. Maybe you guys will think of something. I'll pray about it.
I just know, that I can't make it through the school day tomorrow.
Not now.

get down with the sickness.

I feel like I'm completely disconnected from that group now.
I don't really talk to anyone in it anymore.

And as for the awesome squad, the same thing applies. Excluding Chris.

School is stressful, friends are stressful, my family is stressful.
The only thing that doesn't stress me out, is talking to you, and it seems like we'll be doing less and less of that from now on.

Yes, I'll wait, but I cannot say I'm not disappointed.
December 13 was so exciting, but now to think that I might have to wait years, is almost torture.
So I guess we'll go on dates, and technically be together, but we won't be allowed to call it "boyfriend/girlfriend". That is going to get annoying. Explaining to people that I'm dating someone, but not really?

ugh, whatever.

yeah bye.

"don't think this is a clean slate...I'm destroying your slate, there is no second time around"

*giggles*
I think you may be the stupidest person ever.
But I think its finally sunk in that we aren't friends anymore.
A complete meltdown the other night, and no one to call.
Is this what it feels like to be left alone?
I guess so.
But I'm glad that you can maybe be happy without me in your life.
I wanted to apologize for every time I've hurt you, or made you upset, or needed you too much.
I still love you a lot. But I no longer have any feelings for you.
I would never try to forget you, because thats just a little bit worse than hating you.
To be honest, I'd rather have you never talk to me again, but still have our memories, than to forget it all.

I wanna see you tonight. You make me extremely happy.


I do not like being told what to do, and I don't like being told what I should be feeling.
I don't care if you think my reasons justify my emotions or not. Because they are MINE, and not yours.
I don't care how you think I should handle these situations. I have my own ideas about them, and they will be carried out how I see fit.
I thank you for your input. But I do not thank you for analyzing me, and my choices.

Walking at a slow pace through the parking lot.
The sun was glistening off the blonde of her hair.
She could feel the heat through her sweatshirt.
She started to fall behind her friends more and more.
As she walked and thought.
How is it possible to feel so much guilt for something you haven't done?
For something one of your friends has done, but yet you're guilt ridden instead of them.

She looked up to the clear blue sky and wondered how things would be different if she could change whatever she pleased.
The way that boy knew the right things to say at the right time.
Parents who won't take responsibility.
A girl who seems to have changed, but it can't be taken for sure.
Just anything.

So she walked, and when she got in the car, she stared out her window.
She saw the people walking down the street, and she felt calm.
She saw the river running, and wished she could be as free, but as reserved as the river is.

She knows shes a disappointment, she knows shes an inspiration.
And still she doesn't understand.
There's always been a difference between knowing, and understanding.
She knows theres a difference, but she doesn't understand it.

She got out of the car, and felt the sharp pain pierce throughout her body. So unlike the electric feeling she had felt a few hours before when he held her hand.
Everything changes. Different feelings always have the same base root.
Love and hate can be the same thing.

And so now she sits. She sits, and thinks about all of these things, and wonders if any of them make sense. Or if she's just trying to be a river. She knows how, but she doesn't understand.
She prays someday, she'll be free, but have complete control.
That she won't be able to change anything. And that everything will just be as clear as the bright blue sky.

People never look at both sides of the story.
They see that one person did something wrong, and there's absolutely nothing that can be done to justify it.
Even if there's a perfectly good reason for the actions that were taken.

I think I'll go into this more later.
Now i have SLT.

bye.

paranormal activity.

I spending thanksgiving alone this year. WOOO.
My mom is going to Maine, my sister is going with my dad.
and me? I'm sitting in my room all weekend.


Filming all day was fun.
"LIKE A SHEEP?!"
" I AM THE LORD OF HARVEST!"

I love my friends. Sooo much.


yeah okay, goodnight.

everything is okay.

You're only doing this, because you're upset I don't need you anymore.

I am so happy. Today was a good weekend.
And its not even over yet :)
I got to see you yesterday for a while. We were completely honest about everything. And you trust me that much more now. This is so worth it.
December 13 here we come :D
Alsoooo, your sister doesn't hate me anymore. I am so relieved.

That song you wrote, was amazing p.s.


I am so terrified now. I do this whole thing where I think I'm making a mistake and then ruin stuff for myself.
I pray to God everyday that it won't happen this time.


"all it takes is all we have"

"I think its time I should leave"

You have to tear down what was there to begin with, to buid something even better.
Its like when you clean your room. You have to like take everything apart, and then you have all this stuff everywhere, but then you clean it, and its so much better.


I love how that relates to everything. Its my ultimate pick me up with I'm down.


I think for the first time, you actually made me happy.
Telling me you knew everything about me. That I put on a fake smile every day.
I literally had a smile on my face when you said that, and there was nothing fake about it.
You spend all your time saying you don't care about people. But what about all those times when you forced me to open up. You cracked my shell, supposedly.
I think instead you cracked my spine.
I am so glad I only have my own expectations to live up to now. I don't have to worry about yours, and your constant criticizing.


I fell apart because of you. Not because of all the stress and everything I had to deal with.
You making me think I had to face all of this stuff. Even this lame stuff that doesn't matter to me at all.
Like this, for instance.
I can't say I haven't been this happy in a while. Because I have.
You just made my day so much better.

I've changed, yeah.
But for the better. I love where I am right now.
With God, with school, with everything.


you're stupid.
Erase me from your memory, and pretend everything that happened between us didn't.
I feel like you run away from things so much more than I do.


I am so pumped for Saturday.
I wonder if he sits around all day and during school wishing the week was over so we could see each other again.
:)





Please don't call me tonight. I won't answer. I'm not talking to people.

The bear and the rabbit.

I don't remember what that conversation was about. But I feel like it was something along the lines of me being a bear, and you'd be the rabbit.
And it's oh so true.
You're calm and innocent, and I'm loud and obnoxious.
A hint of innocence, but most of it was taken away.

My over touchiness? you became used to it a while ago. You just don't know why I am like that.
I wanna tell you everything that makes me, well me.
But I'm scared. You think I'm amazing, but what happens when you find all my demons? Will I still seem that way to you?
I'm terrified of losing you.
It's true that I don't exactly have you.
But I feel in my heart, that this is supposed to happen. And if God intends for it, it will.

Yeah, I think dating is lame nowadays. There's no point really. But there would be with you.

I've always believed that the point of dating was to find someone to marry.
So, yeahhh.
I dunno.

Too many thoughts are running through my head.
I can't keep track of them all.
God, you, school, God, Webster Kiddies, you, homework, you, praying, obstacles, God, you.
Oy, I need to take a step back and breathe a little bit. Decemberrrr.
Not October, not November, but December.
So stop for a minute. We don't even know how this will go. I don't know if I'm setting myself up for hurt again. But I know deep down you would never do anything like that.
You are the sweetest person I have ever met.

"And when I look in your eyes, I see a piece of me I was missing."

scary yes. But comforting as well.

One thing left to say, I can't wait till Saturday.

Is it creepy if...?

"Did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?"- drops of jupiter by train.

People are odd. Don't know what you got till its gone? Possibly. I never meant to hurt you. Ever. But I didn't know you liked me either. I'm kind of disappointed.


"you're just the girl that everyone wants, you don't try to impress people, you're just yourself."

awww. I don't even know how to react to you.
You make me smile.
How nervous you get around me. You make me feel amazing.
You have a confidence that most guys don't. And innocence none have.


Ian Burbank, I still think you're amazing, and you are one of my best friends. Alwayssss!


"Itll still be two days till we say we're sorry" one week by barenaked ladies.

I miss you.

:D

"its like when the grinch's heart grows at the end of the movie, thats what happens whenever I see you"

awww. I don't even know what to say to that. I'll wait till December for you, of course.
And no doubt you'll be reading this since I gave you the link.


Do you like me, I can't tell?
Am I the direction you're going in, because I feel like the roads been closed off.
Maybe even a dead end?
I like you a lot, I do. But I've found that you really don't know what you want right now. And you really aren't ready for a relationship. I am. And if that means waiting for someone until December I don't mind. Because he is an amazing guy. And he's a Christian, double win!
I dunno, I told you I wouldn't wait, and so, I'm not. asdfghjkl; I sound like a terrible person right now. But I've realized that I need to stop spending all my time waiting for people. It just ends in wasted time. And maybe this wouldn't have, but I guess we'll never really know...
I'll call you tonight. We need to talk. oh, and thanks for the voicemail, it made me smile.

God is amazing.
people are good.
waiting is a waste.

I think I've learned something today.

By waiting for you, I found someone who had been there all along.

"It starts in my toes, and crinkles my nose."

"And after all, you're my wonder wall."

I still wanna be best friends for you. Always :)

Smile and the whole world smiles with you.

Because thats all you need to do to feel better sometimes.
Just smile.

Its not pretending nothings wrong. Or even covering it up. Its creating your own happiness.

I did that all at the football game, I just smiled.
When he looked at me I smiled. When I was practically frozen, I smiled. And when Garrett gave me a bruise, I smiled XD
But then you got there, and sat annoyingly close to the band. I frowned. A lot.
I cannot stand seeing you. I didn't know it could hurt to miss someone this much.
Or at least, not again.

Reckless tonight, I've waited long for you.


And I'm sorry we couldn't hang out today. I wanted to. I did.
:)
Oh well, just smile.


"And I'd die to win, Cause I'm born to lose"

cold hands. warm heart. warm hands, cold heart. maybe we can even each other out.

Did I really just consider that.
I think you're cute.
I know everything you've done.
But still, I don't think I'd mind getting to know you better.
GAGS.
NOOOOOO.
thats bad.


I wanna write more stuff here.
But I can't, because someone reads my blogs.
And if I say anything about how I feel, he'll see it.
I don't think he should know everything going through my head right now.
How amazing I think he is. How my heart speeds up when I see he's calling.
Even how I automatically feel better. I can't help but smile at the sound of his name.

Whoops, did I just write that?
Doesn't matter, thats not most of it.

footprints in the sand.

"My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

Mmm that poem is uplifting. So inspirational.
And then "everything" by lifehouse always makes me cry.

Fights with my mom are always awful.
We hadn't fought in a while. But this was definitely one of the worst.

"you taught me how to lie"

If there was anything I ever learned from you. It was that.

Leila thinks I'm a good writer, I couldn't tell you why, but that made my day.

You built up a world of magic.

Sometimes I say things, only for sympathy.


I used to pretend to be hurt, because I loved it when you cared.
Does that make me a horrible person. Or does it mean, I just wanted love?
Because that's all I've ever wanted from you, nothing more.


You said I became so emotional. But thats because it was the only way to get you to show me love. When we'd hang out you'd hurt me. Constantly. Even when I asked you to stop. And that scared me so much.

I say I love you too much. To everyone. I don't think I know the meaning of the word. I certainly haven't been shown t that often. Thats why I love it so much when you say it to me. And I'd say it back. But, I don't think I know how to love.

I also say I'm sorry too much. I overused it so much I forgot what it meant.
But when I apologized to you. I meant it with all of my heart. And maybe more.


Ian Burbank. You are amazing. And I know that I love you. In a best friend kind of way :)
Thank you so much for always being there. Especially lately, with everything thats been going on, I need someone as great as you :)
And I hope I can help you out too.
I believe you when you say you'll never leave.


When you say I'm amazing, I just might believe you.

Remembering.

"I have the upmost faith that you will always make me proud. You're one of a kind Meg, don't lose that."

Even when I was eight years old, him saying that to me made me fly. The only person back then who seemed to care about me. I miss him so much. But in all honesty I think I miss the memory of him more. I don't remember much about him anymore. Other than he was always smiling.

Its crazy. I remember everything. People always remark on my memory. It's because of the fact that I over think, everything. But the one thing I want to remember. I can't.

Maybe that's the monster.
Not remembering everything I should. The things I should think about, I avoid.
Run away from.
Well, I'm done.

MY DEMONS.

I have nightmares about you now.
I haven't had a nightmare in a long time, not one like that.
I'm terrified of you.
I don't consider us friends.
Even though you said we were.
You're the one person who has the full ability to hurt me. And it seems like you've decided to take advantage of it now.
And the worst part is, you don't even know it.

Every detail drawn out. Everything so specific.
The demons I thought I got rid of long ago.
The monster. The monsters back.
You never knew about the monster.
But you drove him away for almost a year.
But there's nothing protecting me from him anymore.
I couldn't tell you what it is.
Or why I have it.
Or even why you were the one who made it go away.
But its back.
And its bite is sharper than ever.
Its claws ready to grab ahold of me.
Ready set go, I'm gone.
And I guarantee you, this time when I go under, its gonna take someone like who you used to be, to pull me up.

I think my heart just smiled.

Was this really neccessary?
You're stupid, I'm not wasting my time on you anymore.

I have nothing left to say to you.

Alsoooo, please ignore the first part of my blog yesterday. I didn't mean it.



I see you, and then I see your shadow. Shadows never change, not by much. To me, they're a reminder that we can never completely change who we are. For better, or for worse. I would know, trying to do complete changes in my life. But there's always the one part that stays.
Your shadow, is still exactly the same as the day I met you. So maybe, when I decide to talk to you again, everything will be the same. I can guarantee you, that in the past week, I've changed, almost drastically. This was the first football game I went to, where I didn't come home and have a breakdown.
I stopped feeling like I needed to call you.
I heard people call me names, and I smiled.
Nothing matters anymore.
There's only one thing I care about anymore.
And I am so, happy for this.
You would be too, if you cared anymore.


I just know now, everythings gonna be okay.
"Are you living?"
"yeah?"
"Then you'll be okay."
you're logic doesn't always make sense, but maybe for once you were right.
And I am okay, with or without you.

I'm mr brightside.

Aggravated, yes.
I am so done with this.
Waiting and hoping I'll "win".
It's stupid.
Lemme know if you actually like me, not because you had to choose between two chicks.

And you can go fuck yourself. I don't need your shit, nor do I want it. All you are is a liar. Someone who did the exact same thing as that other jerk. But I can say, I finally know why he did all of that stuff. You have no reason, other than you're a dick.

So whatever, I'm not going out of my way to talk to anyone anymore.

its the way you say my name.

"and with that, she slammed the door in my face. But I wonder if it was in more ways than one."

This house is not a home. And the ways of it say it never will be.

It's almost like we all live in the jungle. Eating each other alive, to survive. Only, we feed off of happiness. Taking it away from each other, supplying ourselves with it instead. I just sit and watch. A bystander at most. Sit in my room and do nothing, until I'm disturbed. Until someone decides to suck away my happiness too.

I think I'll die the day I find how to ignore it all. A secret too great to be known for too long.

I think my heart missed a beat. Your words made my stomach flutter. Soon to be followed by a tightening feeling. Am I falling out, just as I fell in?

you're too far gone.

"I looked away, then I looked back at you. You tried to say the things that you can't undo, If I had my way I'd never get over you."

You were my everything. You went to just being something. I'm debating on whether you should be anything. You could be nothing. You could always be something. You'll never be everything again.

Your deep chocolate eyes are always there to confuse me. Lack of emotion it seems, over emotional all the same. Your eyes are what scare me the most about you. And always have. The fact that I can't tell what you're thinking through them. You're a mystery, one that I no longer have a desire to solve.

So, this might end up okay. Or could take a turn for the worst. I'll just have to wait and see. But will I have the patience...?

up, down, left, right.

It was a sense of control that probably shouldn't be given to me. I would never trust someone like me with any responsibility.

"you are strong. I can't say much else about you."
No. I'm a liar, and that's all I'll ever be. I've dug so far down, there's no way out anymore. Except for that one, but I couldn't do it. I'd fall so far. Farther than I've ever been. And to be honest, I don't know what would pull me out anymore.

"And I love that about you."
What do I say to you now? I haven't felt that way in ages. And now, you do? I don't know if I can retrieve the feelings from a year ago. I don't know if I want to.

But then, then there's you. The answer to my possible prayers. The ones I pray for, but don't expect to recieve. Does that make any sense? You're just, everything. There's no other way to describe you, really.

He's here. He sits on my couch like its his. Goes through the fridge like its his food. Talks to me like I should respect him. And I don't. I hope I never do. He tries to start conversation, but doesn't listen. He started to date my mom before they were divorced. And he expects me to respect him. I promise, that is the one thing I will never do.

scuffling through the leaves.

its that moment when you first walk outside. When you no longer smell the after time of a downpour, but instead your senses are filled with the signs of autumn.

I couldn't tell what it is about you. Just seeing you makes me smile. It's like every thing stops the moment I see you. Even in the crowded hallways, there's only you.


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I wish I could say that everything happens for a reason. And maybe it does. But they never say it's a satisfying reason.



My mood always fades in autumn. A complete sadness, but utter happiness as well.

____________________________________________________________________

I wanna know what it is. What it is that keeps us all going. And what makes some of us stop.
How friendships end over honesty instead of lies.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I suppose you could say I've grown in the past few months. The only way I could say that would make some sense. But in the end I did more than grow, I became more of who I want to be.

Put your feet in the sand.

I stood on the shore line, watching all the waves blend in together. Hearing the swish swoosh of the waves breaking. The drip drop of the rain falling all around me. Seeing only the outline of my friends a few yards away. The darkness closing in all around me. I stood on the shore line, and I remembered. I remembered all the things you did to help me, immediately followed by all the things you did to hurt me. You've always been okay with hurting me, as long as I learned something from it. But I've decided that I'm through with this. I am one of those people who has a lot to deal with on a daily basis. I do not need you adding to that. Sure, you were always the person I could turn to when I was hurt, but who am I supposed to turn to when you cause the pain? You tell me I should like who I am, but then you're standing there, telling me all the things I need to fix. You shouldn't care what people think, you aren't the same anymore, and etc.
The last thing I need is someone telling me who I need to be. I like who I am now. And I think I'll like myself even better, when there's no one standing there telling me who I should be.
You can call, or whatever, I guarantee nothing. I'm gonna learn to be dependent on myself only. Because when you depend on someone else, no matter how many times they promise they won't, they always leave.

"They always end up leaving, always."
"I will never leave you, I promise."
As much as I wanted to believe you, I couldn't. And now I can see why.

So this is where I say goodbye. This is the part where I walk away from the shore line, and never look back.

never lose sight.

I've come to the conclusion, that way too many people assume.
Find some facts first, then make your assumptions. There really is no point in going off on a limb.

My whole body is peeling, and its really gross. So is the fact that I have a massive amount of new freckles.

I love band camp. Well, to an extent anyways. I like playing and marching. But I hate sunburns and I hate being overworked.

Summer is almost over. But in a way, I am so completely happy about this. Maybe no more drama, no more dependency, and maybe I can make this my year.
I have a list of goals. But I'm not putting them on here. Some of them are kind of stupid.
And besides, I already have them hanging up in my room.
They're mostly basic, like doing well in school, making good friends, not losing sight, and things like that.

Bego keeps yelling at me for not blogging :D
So here.
This is a blog.
And now its over.

soulfest?

It's raining really hard right now. I just wanna go out and dance with Stuart. He's still in Colorado though. I'll get someone to dance with me today(:

I really don't have much going on anymore. In the way of bad stuff, anyways.
My Dad's still bothering me.
And I kinda feel like Tim is avoiding me.
I probably shouldn't feel that way. Chances are, he isn't.

Going to Soulfest tomorrow, maybe?
Katie invited me to go tonight, but I can't.
She sounded so sad when I said I couldn't go tonight.
And now, I feel terrible.

I hate the distance between Texas and New Hampshire.

This blog is entirely pointless.

Interesting, unique, and different

I think I've figured it out.
You're familiar. That's why I feel this way.
I know what you'll say, what you'll do next.
You never shock me too much. I understand your reasons, and motives.
No wonder I get that feeling.
You're the only person who has fulfilled my dream.
My dream of understanding people.


Bego Terzimustafic.
We are so similar it's scary. I love blasting music and singing at the top of my lungs with you.
I am so so so happy you aren't leaving. Now that I've found you, I don't wanna lose you.
It's weird picturing my world without the gang now.
They've become my life. I've pushed everything else out.

I went to a concert with Olivia and Kirsty(:
The Veronica's, Nevershoutnever, The academy is..., Boys like Girls.
It was fun.
But, what happens in Kentucky, stays in Kentucky(:

amazement.

"Where's your favorite place to be? Like where are you when you're the happiest?"
"honestly?"
"no. I want you to lie :P"
"When I'm alone. I like to stand in the early morning in where the sun hits my wood floor and reflects, waking me up if I leave my door open, and silently leading me out of wasted time. I stand there, warmed by the ray that so carelessly interrupts everything I'd had planned, and I think. I think about how stupid this world is, how little everything matters, and how much I just want to get out and praise God.
That, is honesty "
wow. I am completely amazed by you now Alex Strom.
I hope to meet you someday, and become better friends with you.
I needed this, thank you.

cause this is see you later, I'm not into goodbyes.

Chris left today.
I didn't get to say goodbye.
So I wrote him a letter.
My stomach hurts, and my eyes keep watering.
I keep thinking about him, and how I won't see him for so long.
I don't know what to do.
The only person, who knows everything about me, is gone.
My absolute best friend. My brother.
I can barely see what I'm typing.

Box city, the quarries, petland, mcdonalds, new jersey, sitting in church together, building 19, I wish I could list every memory I have with him. But there are so many. I've known him for ten years. I love him to death. Who's gonna walk me to school now? Who's gonna go job hunting with me? Who's gonna just walk into my house and wake me up, because I've been sleeping too much?
Who will just sit in my livingroom talking about everything with me?
I can't do this. My support is gone.

I saw some random army guy at walmart yesterday. He smiled at me. I started crying and ran out of the store.
I probably ruined his day.

I'm being selfish. Chris did what he thought was right for his life. I just hope he writes to me often, and if he gets phone calls, he better call me.
I'll survive. Sure I might cry myself to sleep every night. But that'll go away after a while too, right?

"I promise not to mind if you go your way and I go mine."- promise by eve 6
I support your decision, no matter how much it hurts. I love you, that's all that matters right?

"I promise not to try not to let you down"
I'm gonna try harder now. Do better in school, behave better, try to be okay. I just want you to know, how much I love you.

"I promise not to try not to, not to, not to leave"
I will be here, every time you visit, and when you officially come back. There is no way I'm not seeing you.


"In a day and a day love
I'm gonna be gone for good again"- here's to the night by eve 6

"Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye tomorrow's gonna come too soon"

"All my time is frozen in motion
Can't I stay an hour or two or more
Don't let me let you go"

lalalala.

I love Andrew.
(:
the end.

Forever isn't long enough.

"you're a pretty impressive person meg"
Was I just trying to boost my ego? Pushing him along, so he'd feed me lies again?
Or maybe, they were never lies.
"Theres so much to like about you"
I always thought you said things like that, to make me feel good about myself. But now I wonder, did you really feel this way all along?

I'm pretty good at knowing what I can't have, and leaving it at that. So instead, I became best friends with you. Watched from a distance, never longing, nor wanting. Just being there for you, with you. I never knew you liked me. You were so caught up in other things. Other people.


"its okay(: you know when we first started walking home together? And we'd just sit on your front steps? haha, when I'd go home, I'd feel really depressed. And I never knew why. But I think I may have figured it out."
"why hun?"
"Because I never wanted to leave. At that time, I really liked you. You made me happy, and thats why I always spent so much time at your house. Because you could make me smile, and I never wanted to go back to my family."
"..honey i never knew that"
"haha. I figured you should know"
"well next year is another
so why dont you just spend more days at my house"

I don't know why I needed to tell you that. Sometimes, I just feel the need to tell people how much I care. How big of an impact they made, or something along those lines. And it always seems to be at a time when that person needs it.
But with him, it's different.
The feeling I get when I leave his house, or he says something really nice to me. I don't know what it is. He's the only person who gives me that feeling. It's almost hate and love mixed in one.
Am I in love with him? No, I don't think so. Do I love him? Very much.

There's nothing I fear more than him losing himself. I'm afraid he's almost gotten to that point. But would he have apologized to me, if he was already there? I doubt it. I want him to find himself again.

There were always signs. His whole family loved me. The feeling I would get. The things he would say. How our clothes always matched:P When we'd say the same thing in unison. Or we'd both be thinking the same thing.

We were meant to be best friends.

Sponataneous combustion.

It's needless to say that not everything felt right today.
It felt, new, unexplored, dangerous.
But yet, I jumped into it anyways.

Should I learn to think before I act?
Just as I've been working on thinking before I speak?

Spontaneous. A word I tend to live by. I should work on it a bit.
I need to learn to contain myself. Not be so outspoken. Quick to jump.
So Tim, you were wrong when you told me to take a plunge. Instead I need to step back, and analyze a bit more.

I hate being in the midst of something like this.
It's practically a triangle/ square
Me and Andrew.
Andrew and Jazz.
Matt and Jazz?
Me and Matt.
Could someone make up their mind?
Whatever love shape this is, I want out.
Well, no, maybe not out, just not part of a whole.
Could I be fine without drama?
Or is it something I need to get by?
Something that entertains me when I become bored?
Doubtful, but I don't think I'll ever know for sure.

So I realized today, that I do start drama.
But never intentionally. It just tends to appear.
Appear at the worst times, like when shopping for underwear, and you see friends from school.
:0
I lose. Once again.
And I might as well say it. I lost the game, too.

And that my friends, is my send off.

you keep my feet on the ground

For once, everything felt right.
Everything.
You and me, together.
I've always loved the way that sounds. How it feels.
And I don't believe you when you say it was a bad idea.
I feel unaffected. Still untouched.
Nothing's getting to me.
Although I was kind of in a bad mood when I got home last night.
That subsided eventually.

Do people not understand, that feelings like these, don't just evaporate?
Disappear into the night, not to be seen again?
Don't call him stupid, or a waste of time, because you don't know.

I have questions for you now.
Some I'll consider asking, ones I won't, and the ones that have always been there.
"... When you trust me with everything, including your heart."
You expect too much of me. My heart? My dear boy, how do you intend to maintain that, when we aren't dating?
It's not something I hand out to people.
In fact, I've never given it to anyone. My closest friends, nor my family.
Giving your heart, means you can be hurt.
And being hurt, is something I avoid at all costs.


Oh, last night. Apples to Apples, 711, sitting in my livingroom in the dark.
I will never get how the group works:D
But I love it.

I don't know what to say to you.
I'll see you later today. Maybe I'll talk to you, maybe I never will.
In the end, does it change anything?

The thoughts fly out the window.

Ha.
I'm in Bego's bedroom(:
He told me to write it:D

We're just waiting for Chris to come back. And then the quarries.
More drama has risen since last time.
There's not much I can do about it though, boys will be boys.
I'll just sit back and watch.
I am sorry Andrew...

Timothy. Why is it I decide to go to Livingston on your day off?
I'm only kind of stupid.
Oh well, we're hanging out tomorrow.
Movie maybe?
Eh, we'll see.
But you know, you do owe me those...(:

All is good in the world of Meg.
Besides being bitched at by my sister about my dad.
He just doesn't get it...



If everyone in the world used their sense of right and wrong. But also felt guilty when they did things wrong, the world might be simpler.
"There are many shades of right and wrong, missy"
Yeah whatever Bego.
I was making a point, you jerk.
Get outta my house.

and with that, the world ended.

There's something calming about Steph telling me their family is serious about adopting me.
Maybe then I could be happy, live life the way I've dreamed.
To think the perfect family for me, has lived across the street this whole time.

Stuart James Castillo.
I love you to death, I hope you know that. I miss you so much, I can't even begin to express.
I still talked about you in a loving way to people.
"you're friends with stuart?"
"not really anymore..."
You were the only one I could trust for so long. I needed you. And you were always there.
Then one day you were gone.
I'm glad you apologized, but I'm serious when I say, I would have taken you back no matter what.
"I thought about you today, I miss you"
I love you, I love you, I love you.

There's so much drama in my life right now. But yet, I'm not dragged down by any of it.
None of it is making me sad or depressed. Lots of confusion, sure, but that comes with anything.
I've completely transformed in the past two weeks. I like who I am now. I feel accepted and loved. And even with all this drama, I feel untouched.

I'm sorry for not hanging with all my other friends.
But if you think about it, my best friend is leaving in eight days. I want to spend as much time with him as possible. You'll all still be here. You don't get how hard it is to watch Chris leave.
No one does. And if they do, I'm sorry.

I wish I understood how the human mind worked.
For each person I knew. I could call their next moves, how affected they would be by something, how much pain they feel.
I'd just like to understand motives. The reasoning behind everything.
I like Bego, I understand him. There's something about him that keeps him interesting, captivating.
He's gonna be reading this:P
And no, I have no feelings of that sort for him. I just enjoy his company. I'm glad he isn't leaving me.


“Music is the effort we make to explain to ourselves how our brains work. We listen to Bach transfixed because this is listening to a human mind."
Amazement due to how someones mind works. The beauty someone can create. The ability to listen, analyze, understand it all.
Perfection.

awesome squad.

Last night was good(:
yay fireworks.
They actually sucked, but the group of people I was with don't.

"If you were a pirate would you put your parrot in this shoulder, or this one?"
:D
you're such a cutie.

"Andrew wants to know if you'd like to go to the beach with us."
haha, nice Bego.
Because you definitely don't want me there:D

ha, Irhad.
*reaches out hand*
*opens arms to give hug.*
"yeah, she knows whats going on."
These boys have quite literally made my summer.
I thought this would be the worst summer ever, but it's been amazing so far.
Chris is leaving in two weeks though, I'm gonna miss him so much.
I'd like to think I'll still be able to hang out with everyone even after hes gone.


"You cause drama."
So apparently Matt talks about me to Kat, and Kat likes Tim.
Tim and I are best friends, and exes.
This is not me causing drama, this is drama being thrown at me.
Whatever, I couldn't care less.
I'm trying to have a carefree summer, I'm not gonna let anyone ruin it for me.

You had me at hello.

I never know with you.
I hate to assume, because I always end up being terribly wrong.
I'll talk to you tonight. I'd like to know the thoughts that have been going through your head lately. haha, the question is, how many of them you'll actually say.

So, this wasn't supposed to happen, was it?
I love how the things we have no intentions for, are the ones most likely to happen.
I'm just gonna say it outright, you don't deserve this.
I wish it didn't effect you so much.

I don't want to hang out with you anymore. I actually wish you'd stop calling. It's really annoying.
I mean, it's not like we ever got along anyways? So, uh, bye.

HA, you would ask me for girl advice. I love the fact that you thought I liked you though:P
Everyone knows I don't give girl advice. I don't know anything about girls. haha. Quite honestly, you'd be better off asking a guy:D

AHHHH.
I wish I had gone to the park with Olivia yesterday.
You have no idea how sad I am.
The one day I leave my phone at Bego's>.<
asdfghjkl;
*hits head against keyboard*

Swimming later? Probably at Roy park.
Livingston's for losers:P
And I heard they have a pretty crummy staff this year.
(:

Cause I can't come back home till they're singing

I haven't been writing much.
Nothing's going wrong(:
Other than avoiding my Dad.
And my mother leaving without warning again.
OH. And I found out she has a boyfriend.
Nice Mom, the one guy Mel and I said we don't like.
"Meg, you're leaving in three years. And Mel's leaving in six. You aren't gonna be here forever."
Yes, mother, but we're here NOW. And I do believe you said you wouldn't date anyone we didn't like. I don't know why I believed you.
You've never been true to your word before.


Hmmm, I wonder if I'm still hanging out with the boys today.
Doesn't matter really.
I can stay out for however long I feel like.
My mothers not here(:


Olivia Gunther, we absolutely have to sing saturday in the park tomorrow.
That would make my summer(:


Ahhh, Strobe lights.
I know what you were gonna do. I'm not stupid(:


I have to visit Tim soon.
YAY, for him working at Livingston.
"I don't wanna confuse you with my feelings."
"waaa?"
You know that by saying that, you completely confused me.
I wish you'd just tell me, so I don't suffer as much.

"And even though you mean so much to me
I can't wait through everything" if it means a lot to you by a day to remember.

Partayyy

I've been hanging out with Bego, Matt, Andrew, Chris, and Nick a lot.
They're cool people.
Too bad I found them right before they go to college.

Mmm, Bego and I are really similar.
And when I say similar, I mean, the way we are, when we aren't around people.
He's kind of with Kristy? I feel like he may end up getting hurt. He doesn't deserve that. Not in the least.

Matt. Hahaha, he's a cutie. But he's GINORMOUS. not even kidding, this kid is six foot five.
:D

Andrew. He's adorableee! hahaha, he's definitely the funniest out of the group.

Chris. Best friend. Duh.

Nick. Well, he just annoys me. Him and Lexi always making out. Or he's bitching at me.
Whatever(:

AGHH. I don't want them to leave mee.
The only ones going to college here, are Bego and Andrew. And I'll definitely hang out with at least Bego(:
And I'll keep in touch with everyone.
Mostly Matt though.
I don't know how I'd keep in touch with Chris...
And I don't care that much about Nick...(:


HEY.
good job on giving a good hug today.
And I'll have to return your sweatshirt sometime soon.
Friday if we hang out at that thing you invited me to?
yupyup.


Nice party Reynolds(:

If I was any better, God would be jealous.

A sense of exploitation that shouldn't exist.
Not here.
It's the only place I feel safe anymore.
Far away enough from home, close enough to civilization.
People I trust...
But do I really trust them?
Forcing me to get up when I fall. Telling me everything will be okay. Being there.
Being there for me, through all the lies I tell. Don't feel sorry for me. I'm just here to draw attention to myself. Attention I don't deserve. Lies I shouldn't tell. People who shouldn't care.

I just wanted to curl up and die in that chair.
I didnt want you to pay attention to me.
Not now.
Self examining myself. Again.
When do I ever stop?
Beat myself up for every thing I do.
And trust me, when I say I deserve it.
You can argue with me as much as you'd like, but that doesn't mean it's not true.
No one knows who I really am. Not the people closest to me. Or the ones who have always been around. You know who I am, when I'm around you. Not when I'm by myself.
When I want to hide in my closet from everything.
This world that I've created, imagined, it to be.
The one I can't change now. I've merged with it. I am it.
There's nothing here, that I have not caused.
I deserve hatred. The one thing I want, the one thing no one will give me.

I can't stop shaking.
My fingers beat faster than my heart ever will.
ever can.

I don't belong here.
This world is too good for me.
you may think it's pretty messed up, but you have no idea. Look through my eyes. Try to see what I see. Horrors you can't even begin to imagine. Things you wouldn't want to imagine. Lucky are the ones who live care free lives.

I should have a care free life. So why do I force all these terrors here?

People always say its not your fault, that the parent is pyschotic. Mad if you will.
But he never did anything for something stupid.
If I forgot a chore, let my room become a mess, talk back to my mother, that's when he'd strike.
It was always my fault. He was trying to teach me right from wrong. I was just so stubborn, I never learned it.

I wish I wasn't so lazy. That I could do schoolwork. Be in level fours, like I always dreamed I'd be. But now I concern myself with whether or not I'll be able to graduate with the few credits I recieved this year. My stomach churns at the thought of staying back.
It churns at the idea of people knowing how far down I've fallen.
This hole I've dug, if only there was a way out.
It didn't take me long to dig it. It'll take years before I can climb out.

"Come down
And waste away with me
Down with me " everlong by the foo fighters.

Save me. Please come back. And save me.
All I need now, is your support here with me.
You know I can't ask you, when will you come back, help me find my way out of this cage?

"Coming out of my cage,
and I've been doing just fine.
Gotta, gotta be down,
because I want it all."- mr. brightside by the killers.

A year goes by And I can't talk about it

MICHAEL JACKSON. BREATHE! COME ON BREATHE.
Ahhhh! this is not a good way to start the summer.

I didn't really say good bye to anyone when I left school today?
Mostly because it doesn't feel like the years over, and because anyone I care about seeing, I'll see this summer. Or, I'll try to.

Why do people think that's okay to continue what they're doing, even when told to stop?
You piss me off, because I don't like being touched by you. I don't like you always comparing me to you. I don't like that you think we're so similar, so you can do whatever you want with me. Because it's not true. I may have power over you, but not because I want it. You take way too much advantage over your physical power over me.
STOP.

I got a 92 on my English final. Was there ever any doubt?
I'd like to think that I didn't fail any of my finals, but that's doubtful.

I'm still grounded. But that's okay, because I don't wanna go to the river anymore.
I don't want to see either of you really.
I feel so bad about you. We should probably stop hanging out as much. I don't really see us dating again...
And you have just been pissing me off to no end lately.

"Why can't anyone stay mad at Meg? She's irresistible."
Um, well thank you Ian. But I'd like to know the actual reason.
Kyle said it's because his anger leaves when he's with me. But why?
A lot of the time, I can do something absolutely terrible, but everyone will still forgive me.
I don't get it. And I don't like this weird power I have. Maybe I will be the next Hitler... But I'd like to use my powers for good...

Maybe that's why I liked you so much. Because you're basically immune to my "powers".
You don't take my crap. You doubt me, you argue with me. You were the perfect match. Someone who likes me, but won't do whatever I tell them to. We're both strong headed. It was good for us. Thanks for the ride today by the way(: But next time let me choose what radio station we listen to, haha.
you made my day.

My stomach hurts. Like it actually hurts, its the first time in a very long time that it has actually hurt. Not because I was disgusted with something, or because I forced it to hurt, but because it just hurts.

I have a lot of plans this summer. But all of a sudden, I don't feel like doing any of them.
Obviously I will. I have to, in order to survive.


Budget cuts. Whatever. I can't afford band next year. Okay, cool, one of the only things I love anymore. Thank you fxcked up school system. Oh. no. wait.
Thank you Obama.
^^^Taylor will be pissed at that statement.

It's over:D

My top ten lists of this year?
Haha yessir.
lists... lets see if I finish any of them.


TOP TEN MOST INFLUENTIAL PEOPLE THIS YEAR.
1. Tim Wood. Through absolutely everything, you've been there for me. You don't always understand my motives, but you stand behind me anyways. I've messed up so many times, but you still forgive me. More than anything, I look up to you. Always.
2. Taylor Calabro. I instantly trusted you, maybe because Tim trusted you, and any one who has Tim's trust, must me trustworthy(: You actually listen to me, and never think I'm being stupid. I love listening to your voicemails, they give me a reason to get up in the morning:D You influence me in the best way(:
3. Aura Wood. We just became best friends this year. It made me so happy when you invited me to go to Reckless. You have helped me so much with finding my faith and sticking with it. And for that I owe you everything.<3>Joy Beachy. Whether she knows it or not, she always says something amazing. Especially in small group. She finds insights most people would completely overlook. She helps me so much(:
5. Xander Howard. He and I have gone through a lot of crap this year. We were best friends for a long time, and even he can't deny that forever. yeah, I liked him, but that was my mistake. He hurt me so much, but if he apologized, I'd forgive him for everything. He may have hurt me, but he has influenced me. I never said people who influenced me positively.
6.Morgan Coffey. So I had to go a while without her support, but thats because I messed up. I love her to death. When she comes running up rubbing her stomach, it makes me smile(it means she has good news :D) I'm so glad I have this friendship back.
7. Olivia Gunther. AHHH, we became so close over the merrow vista thing, especially since we both hated it. Or pretended to hate it(: We lost some of that closeness of the year though. Maybe due to lack of classes together, or not knowing what to talk about. But she always says the right thing at the right time, whether she knows it or not(:
8. Hugo Lin. He understands this world more than anyone else I know. Sure he might hate the world because of it, but he has the knowledge no one else has. I love talking to him, because he's so insightful. I love you(:
9. Kevin Kelley. Although sometimes it may not seem like it, I don't hate you. You just annoy me sometimes, because of the feelings you have, the ones I can't change. It's the fact that in the end I don't have control over the one thing I wish I did. I'm sorry for everything.
10. Nihco Gallo. I don't really care what Heidi thinks of me. She cannot just take away one of my best friends. Talking to Nihco was always amazing. Staying after school with him for hours just talking about stuff, meant the world to me. And then one day, I tried to help, and my whole world fell apart.


TOP TEN BEST FRIENDS THIS YEAR.
1. Tim wood.
2. Christopher Hughes.
3. Stuart Castillo.
4. Aura Wood.
5. Taylor Calabro.
6. Hugo Lin.
7. Olivia Gunther.
8.Kevin Kelley.
9. Kyle O'Dowd.
1o. Jane Apple

TEN MOST LISTENED TO SONGS THIS YEAR.
1. Everlong- The Foo-Fighters.
2. Your call- Secondhand Serenade.
3. Wonderwall- Oasis.
4. I Miss You- Blink 182.
5. Eighteenth floor balcony- Blue October.
6.Let it Die- Three Days Grace.
7. 99 Red Balloons- Goldfinger.
8. Cut me, Mick- Yellowcard.
9. Three Cheers for Five Years- Mayday Parade.
10. Runaway- Thriving Ivory.

GOALS FOR THIS SUMMER.
1. Go on the Reckless trip.
2. Walk to livingston and actually swim there:D
3. Get a job.
4. Go on a road trip.
5. Do something completely unexpected.
6. Find out the Indian cornerstore boy's name:D
7. Clean out that mini fridge, and use it.
8. Practice Saxophone at least three times a week.
9. Go somewhere amazing to see the stars.
10. Go to a lake with friends for the fourth of July.

TEN NEW FOUND FRIENDS.
1. kevin kelley.
2. kyle o'dowd.
3. nihco gallo.
4. toby fox.
5. emily eastman.
6. phil russano.
7. brendan langton.
8. stuart castillo.
9. taylor calabro.
10. tim wood.

TEN FRIENDS I RECENTLY REDISCOVERED.
1. olivia gunther.
2. jane apple.
3. ian burbank.
4. brandon christen.
5. hugo lin.
6. zane mcdaniel.
7. mike lazos.
8. nate cunha.
9. aura wood.
10.patrick tobin.



BLAH.
I'll finish this later when I think of more lists.
promise.


This year has been full of ups and downs.
First somewhat long lasting relationship.
First bad break up.
Bad rumors.
Best friends.
I'd tell you all about my year.
but I can't. So instead. Here are some highlights:
Band camp! it was amazing. I suddenly felt so at home(: It was a good way to start off the school year.
Merrow Vista. I found one of my best friends during those three days. Grew to know people I never would have met otherwise. I learned how to be a better leader(:
New Years. day after tim and I started dating. got drunk accidentally, spent the whole night by myself, while talking to tim on the phone. minus the drunk part, it was pretty good.
Music dept. semi. twas the day tim and I finally started ot tell people we were dating. after keeping it a secret for almost a month, I was ready to explode:D Besides my friends ODing on pills, it was a good time.
Amnesty trip. WOOO, yay for um human um rights with um abbey uhhh curtin(:
The day I realized Xander Howard is stupid. bahaha, this one explains itself.
The first time in almost five years. I'd really rather not explain this one. It involves my dad. And the people who need to know, do.
September 26th. the day I told about what my dad used to do. the day my whole world fell apart.
December 5th. doesn't matter why this day is important. it just, is.

I had my ups, I had my very low downs. I had firsts, I had lasts.
But in the end, I am no longer, a FRESHMAN.
That's all that matters, right?

I found old friends, I found new friends.
I discovered amazing music.
I found new hate for new teachers, I found new love for new teachers.
Mr. Tagalakis<3
Terrible things happened, I got over it with help from amazing friends.
Although bad stuff happened, in the end, I'll remember the good, view the bad as stuff that made me stronger, and live this summer up.
Not holding back next year. What ever happens, happens. I'll get over it.
This year has made me stronger, I've lived, loved, and learned.
And as of now, no regrets.

Rock on Summer of '09.
rock on.